Another day goes by

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Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 6/21/2010 9:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Another day goes by and I move with it. I don't Want to die every day so that's a plus.
I've worked hard to remain stress free. Doing only what I think I can handle. Without putting more pressure on myself than necessary, sometimes hard. It feels like I'm fighting inside to be the proper version of myself while the other side of me is screaming inside wanting to hit some one. My brain is like my own personal straight-jacket. It restrains the screaming questions and answers going thru my mind. I'm normally very logical, doing whatever it takes to help others, family, kids, friends. I still find myself withdran form most of them. Idk what else to say....I'm exhausted and haven't been sleeping well.

Tks for reading
Faith... is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD
meds: pristq, lamotrigine, ambien cr, Xanax


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/22/2010 5:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Not2L8
 
I know how you feel. I am deeply depressed right now and your post described what I am going through right now.
 
You are so smart for taking this slow, and ony taking on things you can handle. That is what we need to do in times like this. I just want you to know that your post, while it made me feel sad for you, made me feel comfort b/c I know that I am not alone. And neither are you.
 
I am sending you many hugs and I hope that this state lifts for you asap. Do focus on yourself right now. The others can get through until you get through.
 
One more thing: Sleep for us is the MOST important thing for us to be able to function or to just help us cope. Without sleep, we don't have a chance. Do you take anything for sleep? I know the drug I take, sometimes after several months, all of the sudden I will stop sleeping through the night and so I call pdoc and tell him it needs to be increased a dose. I do what I have to do to at least get my sleep. Without it, I am toast.
 
Again, more hugs, and please take special care of yourself right now. Check in on ya later :) 
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex 1.5mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 6/22/2010 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey mogs,
I take 12mg of ambien cr every night for probably the last 12 months. I find I'm staying up longer and longer after I've taken it. Evey night I'm up anywhere from 11pm-2 am and I'm waking up sooner, somewhere between 5 and 7.
I'm frightened...I haven't even attempted to really think about my next semester at school, just the idea of it sends me into panic mode.
My grandmother came to visit and stayed at my aunts, I was there just about every day for almost a week. My husband was working a lot so it was just me and the kids. Although I loved spending time with her...the pressure to keep the kids 6 & 9 in check without extra parenting was difficult. One of those things you think you've said enough then someone has to but in and push the kids further, trying to convince them to do something you've resolved....then feeling like I'm being pulled in a million directions never able to just sit down and relax a moment without someone asking me for something else.
It was probably my most stressful week since my last big episode and it shouldn't have been. I found the more I tried to control the situation, the harder it was to keep my composure. I just wanted to scream and cry and break something....but I didn't. Well once I had taken about as much as I could handle and went to the car to take a Xanax while a few tears slipped.
I leave next week for a month to vacation with the kids at my mothers...I'm a little worried. I don't know what I'll do if I get overwhelmed. I don't want another big break down. My husband won't be with me because of work. Ugh
I know I've been lucky having the last month or so to take things slow...I just don't know if I can jump back into the fire. I'm not ready yet and I don't know how long it will be before I am. People think because I'm functioning somewhat normally that I should be able to get back on track, but they have no idea that I'm only functioning because I'm taking baby steps...nothing stressful.
I'm sorry you're going thru a sad time right now. I hope it gets better for you soon. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Faith... is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD
meds: pristq, lamotrigine, ambien cr, Xanax


harleybluz
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 6/28/2010 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry not2l8t: I honestly don't know how to reply to this one because I'm still in the stage of wanting to die everday, or at wishing I'd never been born. Which, by the way, doesn't mean I'm suicidal. It just means life is not going as well for me right now. Hope you feel better soon honey.

This is no Social Crisis... Just another Tricky Day (The Who)

 


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 6/28/2010 2:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I honestly know what you mean. I'm sorry for that you're feeling that way right now. I'm taking lamactial along with pristiq, Xanax and ambien. My sleep patterns are all over the place so I'm sure that doesn't help. I'm currently taking 150mg of Lamactial but my pdoc is bumping up again.
I find the combo really helps the self harming thoughts (like wanting to run my car into a wall everyday) Still compared to how bad it was...at least I'm functioning. I'm working really hard to stay stress free, I find that when the stress starts to build the harder my feelings are to control. Everything takes time though, so I'm really skeptical to let my Pdoc change stuff.
I hope you're soon feeling better. Take care....
Faith... is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD
meds: pristq, lamotrigine, ambien cr, Xanax


red lightening
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 620
   Posted 6/28/2010 3:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I also needed to hear you say to take it easy and not push yourself.
I am depressed but coming out of it. I feel overwhelmed with every
thing that needs to be done that I didn't do when I was super down.
Now that I'm feeling better I can see what needs to be done but over-doing
makes me tired and down again. What a ride!

Try to take care of yourself and carve out some time for something
enjoyable that you like to do. Buy a new book, or take a candle lit bubble bath
or just slow down and take a few deep breaths.

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 6/28/2010 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   

Red - when I'm coming out of it, doing any little thing saps my energy.  So I do a little (VERY little) bit and take a nap until I have energy to do more.   The next day, if I haven't overexerted myself, I can do a little more and maybe sit on the couch instead of sleeping.

For me, getting things done is a powerful mood-booster.

Also - eating frequent protein and fat rich snacks help with building up energy.


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


havana
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 6/30/2010 3:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm glad you're still alive.
 
I mutter things to myself to keep myself going:
 
"Be here now," although "here" may not always be the nicest place to be.
 
"One day at a time," although sometimes it's more like "One minute at a time."
 
"Sleep, don't think," although sometimes my brain won't let me sleep.
 
"Left foot, right foot," because sometimes that's about as much as I can do for myself.
 
Keep going. It will get better. It will.
 
Y'know, I had a ring made for myself that has engraved on it, "This too shall pass." I've been wearing it a lot lately.
 
Take good care of yourself. We care about you.
 
All best wishes and thoughts,
Havana, newbie

Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 7/1/2010 11:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I like that...my son 6 gave me a ring for mother's day that says ...the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Baby steps....sometimes they stumble and fall but they get back up.
Faith... is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD
meds: pristq, lamotrigine, ambien cr, Xanax

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