Wrestling with my mind.

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Midian Rift
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/2/2010 7:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Every night I experience intense, stressful and sometimes horrifying dreams that leaves me extremely tired the next day. This has been going on for awhile and it has exacerbated since I was placed in an extremely stressful academic trip to the Middle East, I was in a terrible relationship during my adolescent where the person I was with would pressure me into sexual things that I did not want. It doesn’t help that as a child; I was already tense and stressed out. Sigh … I’ve been diagnosed with a case of manic bipolar disorder almost a year ago.

My relationship has gone down the drain lately, and it is my fault. I have terrible mood swings that leave me crying for hours a day—not only does this affect my relationship with people, but at the same time, my academics. I’ve a falling out with groups that I use to be close to, sometimes I lash out at my boyfriend for no real reason … and I know that it isn’t rational, in fact, I know that even as I am lashing out and it leads to an internal battle in me that tears me up further.

Specifically, I’ve felt so disinterested. At times, hanging out with friends seems like a chore, I have to force myself to do things that I use to enjoy—and I feel as though I am ambivalent and don’t love my boyfriend anymore. I don’t even want to drive to see him. Since we go to different universities on different ends of California, it is a long distance romance. I’ve proposed breaking up with him several times, which makes him angry … understandable.
There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s a very nice person that cares about me a lot, and I feel so terrible about wanting to leave him. I don’t really understand why other than I feel like being alone. He freaks out and wonders if I am just going to find a boyfriend that is closer—though my issue is that … I just want to be alone. I feel like I am just burning all of my bridges and I don’t understand why. Sometimes I feel as though I am drowning in air. I just feel so depressed, so stressed, as if my life is spiraling out of control, though in reality, I live a pretty comfortable life.
I just don’t know what to do or how to feel. If I don’t love him, I wonder why I cry so much every time I suggest breaking up. Yet sometimes I feel so unenergetic and uncaring inside my heart at times. Even if it is just my illness—and I do love him …

Next Tuesday is our one year anniversary and I just don’t feel like driving all the way to see him—he begs me to and just give it a chance and see if our relationship will revitalize. Though I am so afraid that I won’t be able to—I feel so much stress and anxiety from it, and I think it has gotten to the point of being physically ill. I just want to call it off and break up, but it hurts so much at the same time. I just can’t understand what I am feeling; I sometimes feel “twisting” feeling when I think of it.

I feel as though part of me just wants to be alone to form an emotional blockade … because in the past, my biggest remedy for moodswings is to isolate myself and become a big workaholic. I feel as though I am falling into that stage again. I don’t know what to do.

(Slightly unrelated, I’ve sought out psychiatry, medication, counseling … doesn’t help me. There was one counselor that helped me immensely at university, but I can’t have access to her anymore because of bureaucracy).

I feel like I am going mad because I just can't decide. I feel so irritated and uninterested when he is around, but when I say goodbye, I tear up. I don't understand what I feel. God someone help me, I am sobbing again.

Midian Rift
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/2/2010 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I was telling my confidant that I felt so torn apart because I had returned home - and deep down, I felt so depressed, yet it was so difficult trying to seem happy and active in front of my family because I can't bear them to know how awful I feel right now ... then the friend called me stupid, and says he doesn't believe me. I told my (now ex) boyfriend, and again he was upset, but he reacted so calmly and kurtly. I guess I went ahead and did it, I burned pretty much every bridge in my life. I got my wish, I can now sit in my room and sob alone.

havana
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 7/2/2010 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I think a lot of what's doing the talking is your brain chemicals and not you. And oftentimes, heaven help us, our brain chemicals and our selves are very much divided. The things you're talking about--the lack of interest, the wanting to isolate yourself, the sobbing, the inability to decide--are not necessarily about you as a person but rather about what the illness is doing to you. Given all that's going on with your bipolarism, of course it's hard to figure out how you feel about your boyfriend. It would be impossible for anyone to figure that out.

Believe me, I am not denigrating what you're saying. I'm just saying, "Be kind to yourself." "Be easy on yourself." "It's not your fault." "This illness is nothing that you asked for. It just got handed to you, and now you have to deal with it." It's something we all share with you.

Would you be willing to give psychiatry, meds, counseling, etc. another try? Is there any way that you can get to see the counselor at your university who was so helpful to you? If not, perhaps there's another counselor whom she could recommend who would be good for you to talk to. Please give some of these things another try.

Some people find a lot of help through nontraditional means, such as acupuncture for, say, depression. You might want to give that a try. Other people find massage therapy an enormous help for clinical depression. Again, this might be something you might want to look into.

I relate to you talking about having to force yourself to do stuff with your friends. If I had my druthers, I'd probably stay in bed all day long and pull the covers over my head. But I keep forcing myself to go out, get out, and do stuff. I don't really know why I keep on doing this. I guess I hope that something, anything, will lift my mood. And sometimes, just for a little bit, my mood will go up a bit. And what a relief that is! So, keep on forcing yourself to get out and do things with your friends. I think that's good for you.

And keep on talking to all of us. We'll listen. And we care.

Warmly yours,
Havana
Havana
bipolar II, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome 
current meds: Invega, 1.5 mg; Clonazepam, 0.5 mg prn; Lexapro, 5 mg; Mirapex, 2.5 mg; Topamax, 50 mg


havana
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 7/2/2010 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
There's a thread here on the board about people who think that we don't really experience what we think we're experiencing. That we should stop taking meds and basically get over ourselves. That we should "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps." It sounds like you just ran into two people who treated you that way. I'm so sorry you experienced that. Of COURSE you feel what you feel, and these folks simply don't understand. (Aren't they fortunate to not have BP?) It's a pity that your confidante and your boyfriend reacted that way to you. They need a major course in mental illness and what it does to people.

Sigh.

Havana
Havana
bipolar II, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome 
current meds: Invega, 1.5 mg; Clonazepam, 0.5 mg prn; Lexapro, 5 mg; Mirapex, 2.5 mg; Topamax, 50 mg


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 7/5/2010 6:16 AM (GMT -7)   

 

  That is the true curse of this desease, you honestly cant tell if what you are feeling is what you are feelign or is what your BP is telling you to feel. Lordy, just give me a little clarity. LOL LOLLOL

   Medications have helped me greatly with gaining some clarity in my life. Still other problems continue to exist and bug me now and again. Like i said, its hard to tell if i am feeling this or is the BP making seem that way.

   ALl in all i tend not to make many rash life changing decisions without thinking long and hard about it. I accept that i am this way and that mistakes will be made, so i do the best i can to reduce the damage the mistakes can make in my life. I know that to try for a completely sympton free life with no mistakes ever is a fools errand. For what ever reason God decided that i should carry this burden awhile. So i will. But i will do my best to "OWN" Bp. Because otherwise BP will "OWN" me. And that is something i just cant let happen, not without a huge knock down drag out fight.

   FOr you i would start with getting some meds into your system to get you stable. And stable doesnt happen overnight. It takes a lot of work to find stability in this world. Just take each day as it comes, and tommrrow can take care of itself.

    Bill 


 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


Midian Rift
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/5/2010 4:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I have tried to taking medication but I just reacted so poorly with each one of them. I tried Seroquel and it made me feel numb, and shaky. I couldn't function as soon as I took it - and everytime I did, I would sleep for twelve hours. I even tried a generic prozac, but it made me feel nauseated, as if I had to throw up.

I just feel like I am incapable of having any deep and meaningful relationships with people because I start pouring out my problems and lashing out at them. I just feel like I don't have a choice but to resort to a life of work, work, work and solitude.

I finally let my ex-boyfriend go for good just now, and I feel so horrible. I am sobbing right now while trying to pretend to the rest of the world that it is okay because the environment that I am in is filled with people that just doesn't understand and calls me a whiner if I tell them about my problem. Life is just ... so unbearable, I guess I don't have a choice. I feel as though if I am alone ... I'll feed sad from the loneliness, but at least I can minimize my sadness and contain to myself. I don't know if that is a stupid thing to say or do.

havana
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 7/5/2010 6:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't think that you have to be alone. I think a lot depends on the person you're with and how understanding he or she is of your BP. Someone who's not tolerant of your illness and who's not willing to learn about it? Forget about that person. But I think it is possible to find someone to be with who will be good for and to you. The person you were with may just not have been the one. Still, I don't think you need to give up and decide that you have to be alone. Maybe for right now you may need to be. But not for always.

It's too bad that you know people who think you're a whiner and who don't understand what you're going through. I guess I'm lucky in that a lot of my friends have clinical depression or BP. It just worked out that way. I am grateful to them for being so understanding. You, too, will meet understanding and kind people. Really you will.

And you have us. We understand, and we care about you.

Don't be too rough on yourself. Be kind to yourself. There are other folks out there, and you'll meet them. I guarantee it.

Warmly yours,
Havana
Havana
bipolar II, panic/anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome 
current meds: Clonazepam, 0.5 mg prn; Lexapro, 5 mg; Mirapex, 2.5 mg; Topamax, 50 mg

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