This afternoon I went to see my pdoc because things have gotten so bad. I gave him a list of what's going on with me: I've lost my appetite. I feel nauseated in the mornings. (Nope, not pregnant. ;-) ) I'm feeling agoraphobic, which I haven't felt in ages. I feel panicked much of the time. My heart is pounding much of the time. My hands shake. I feel shaky on the inside. I feel "unreal," as though I'm walking around in a dream. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have lost interest in absolutely everything. School starts in six weeks, and I'm really worried that I won't be able to go. I feel worse than I've ever felt. (I did go volunteer at the hospice house after the appointment, and it was really hard not to burst into tears while I was there.)
My doc admits that he is totally puzzled and has no idea what to do. He figures, though, that being on antidepressants over the years is what brought me to this place. So, he's having me slowly get off Lexapro, the antidepressant I'm on. And he's having me get off Mirapex/Pramipexole, which is supposed to have an antidepressant effect, and which hasn't worked.
He's keeping me on Topamax and on Clonazepam. He's added Vistaril/Hydroxyzine for the nausea I've been feeling.
My doc also mentioned me going into the local psych ward, but he wasn't pushing this too hard. I have yet to hear a good explanation of why I should go into a psych ward and what can be done for me there, so at least so far, I'm not going. He mentioned electroconvulsive shock therapy again, but said we had time before doing that.
I am feeling so utterly discouraged. My doc has said I'm one of his most difficult patients, and that doesn't make me feel great. Nice to be going to a doc who doesn't have a clue what to do to help one.
Sorry to be sounding so grim, but boy, I can certainly understand why people give up. If I weren't so ignorant about suicide and such an utter coward about it, I'd be giving up, too.
bipolar II, panic/anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome
current meds: Clonazepam, 0.5 mg prn; Lexapro, 5 mg; Mirapex, 2.5 mg; Topamax, 50 mg