There is a nice book called "Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder" - I highly recommend it.
It talks about setting goals, give specific exercises to do and work on, and give it 6 months before making a decision.
EVERY TIME I am depressed, I think I would do my boyfriend a favor by leaving him, driving out of state, destroying my identification and committing suicide. EVERY TIME. Does that make sense? Not when I am in my right mind! But when I am depressed, it is perfectly logical.
It is his reminders of how much he lives me that (sometimes) keep me going on those rough days. While you wait for a diagnosis, treatment, I encourage you to get the book. And TELL HER honestly how much she means to you, even with the mood disorder.
And you are completely right that with each mood swing, the illness gets worse! But there is still hope! I was totally disabled by it, and homebound. I still can't work a traditional job, but when I take care of myself, no one could tell there is anything different.
Remember: You cannot make her happy. Trying to make yourself a better person will not work. (Getting the book I mentioned and working TOGETHER has some hope, but she would need to be involved.)
My ex-husband would try to MAKE me better. It didn't work and the relationship turned abusive. You can't fix her, but you can use that book to learn how to work with her and make significant improvements in your lives.
You know, this is very very tough. But let me give you some good news. I was your wife, i was having affairs left and right and up and down. LOL LOL LOL It has been 2 long, tough, but ultimetly wonderful years. I havnt had an affair since, i have controll of my emotions. THings are good.
Are there tough days, yes there are. I have to work extra hard some days, i have to take more meds at times, but with acceptance i get thru it. I am strong each day for my wife, and thats all i look forward to the challange each and every day.
This is a hard road for you to walk, there is no doubt that you will have plenty of pain ahead of you. But if she is willing to embrace that this is what she is and what is wrong then you have a chance of making a life beyond bp. Definetly though you will need to talk to someone. If you cant than post here, we are here to help.
This is going to take alot of time and alot of work. FIrst of all she needs to reearn your trust. For me my life became and sitll is an open book. No hidden emails, she knows where i am at all time, everything was open to her. It took alot of time but now she is trusting me again. And i do my best to keep the lines of communication open so she feels safe and comfortable.
You did the right thing, when it gets to violence then it's time to say enough is enough.
That said let me say this, you did nothing wrong here. THere was nothing you could have done, no way to have loved her better, been more interesting in bed, earned more money, nothing would have prevented this. In her own way she is a victiam also. BP sneaks up on you over the course of years, slowly changing how you think and act. It would be so much easier to spot if you went to bed one night normal, and woke up the next morning BP. However that is why this desease is so dangerous, it allows you to think you are in control, and that your logic was completely correct. In the end it was all wrong.
Medication is what allowed me to find my normal, better self. But that was a journey of 2 years and will continue till the day i die. She may be lost to you now, but that doesnt mean she will be lost to you forever. WIth the right meds we do get better. Right now my advice is first, dont make any big or rash decisions, you need time to grieve for what has happened and come to grips with it. Just take care of yourself and your family, and if it doesnt really need to be done, than let it go for now. Get lots of rest, having energy and a clear head will help you in the days to come.
And keep posting here if you need to talk, we understand what she is going thru, and speaking for myself, helping spouses of BP people survive and recover from the wreak that is BP is one of the things that helps keep me on the path of medication and being a good husband.
You have my deepest sympathy and all the support i and we can offer you here.