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GreenTeaHero
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 181
   Posted 7/24/2010 8:13 PM (GMT -7)   
i hate myself right now...

i hate that ive gained weight from the meds

i hate that my freinds have jobs and i dont

i hate happy people

i hate seeing myself

i hate that i survived

i hate that i dont wanna do anything and ive memorized my walls and ceiling

i hate hating everything :(

GreenTeaHero
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 181
   Posted 7/24/2010 8:15 PM (GMT -7)   
didn't you just post about anger... i read ur post but i didnt feel i could say anythign positive..

ladynimue
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 7/24/2010 8:47 PM (GMT -7)   
GreenTeaHero said...
i hate myself right now...

i hate that ive gained weight from the meds

i hate that my freinds have jobs and i dont

i hate happy people

i hate seeing myself

i hate that i survived

i hate that i dont wanna do anything and ive memorized my walls and ceiling

i hate hating everything :(
 
I know just how you feel and I've felt that way more than once.
The best thing I can tell you is the way you feel will pass. If I've learned anything
about being bi-polar is I don't feel the same for long, it just feels that way.
 
It's interesting that you said "I hate that I survived" Can I ask what you mean by that?
 
Even if you don't feel much better it was a good thing to write how you are feeling
in your post. I have a notebook I write my feelings in all the time.
I think of it as cheap therapy. But don't hate yourself, you didn't do this to yourself.
Hate the disorder, hate that someone probably pass the gene to you and there was
nothing you had to do with it.
I had a friend who told me almost everyone has a bag of bricks to carry in life and
I guess this is ours and it sucks. It's alright to be mad but if you could find something
to feel good about that would be nice too.
I have to look hard sometimes but it helps from getting too far down.
 
I turned off my A/C and opened a window, it feels really nice.
That's about as good as it might get right now.
 
 
 


 
   "Normal is Overrated"


GreenTeaHero
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 181
   Posted 7/24/2010 10:18 PM (GMT -7)   
you're totally right it passed :P called a dear friend and she talked me out of it! thank god. talk about bipolar how many moods have i had today?!

i liked your bit about everyone and their load of bricks. its true we all have loads to deal with. and i've been writing in my journal all day but it seems to make the darkness more real.

survived.. i survived recent suicide attempt and also survived a rape years ago.. not really sure which one is worse imo...

you know its hard to find something good when you keep seeing the bad but.. i will keep looking and i will find it. :D

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 7/25/2010 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   

 

  When i get depressed i have to use antidepresants, its the only way to keep me alive i get so dark. Thankfully they pass after a little while and i get back to my manic self. It's allways worse for me at night, for what ever reason.

  Glad you feel better. I cant understand being raped, however i can understand surviving a sucide attempt.  However i try to think of it in a positive light, there is a reason i  am still here.  And so i try to make myself a good friend, father, husband, and good samaritan each and every day i can. I figure i owe a life and i have to work hard to reearn mine.

  Bill 


 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


GreenTeaHero
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 181
   Posted 7/25/2010 1:30 PM (GMT -7)   
wow bill,
that is an amazing way to look at it. re-earning a life... wow... deep..

im getting started on anti depressants any day now once the pharmacy sorts out the dosage..
hoping that helps!!

i miss my "manic self" . abilify has taken that away from me..

havana
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 7/25/2010 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
GreenTeaHero, I hate many of the same things that you do. I absolutely hate not wanting to do anything. I used to be such an avid knitter and needlepointer, and for the past couple of months, I haven't wanted to do anything except sleep. And then unfortunatelyI have to wake up from the sleep. Mornings are, for me, the worst times. I wake up and think, "Oh, no. I'm still alive. And here's another day."

I don't have a job, and I'm not nearly busy enough, despite the volunteer work I do. And even when I'm doing volunteer work, I can't seem to get my mind off how horrible I feel.

I still seem to have the withdrawal symptoms, although they're not quite as bad as they were. The nausea isn't quite as bad, but I still have the shakes. The panic attacks aren't quite as bad and don't last quite as long, but they're still here.

My pdoc's nurse, knowing that I was going on a new drug this weekend--Depakote--suggested that I have someone stay with me this weekend. My estranged husband did, and he was wonderful. So empathetic and kind. I'm so grateful to him. We had some good talks. I hate to have him see me this far down and this vulnerable, but whatcha gonna do? I made it through the weekend without having to check into the psych ward--the pdoc's nurse had alerted the doc on call that I might have to do so--so I don't know if that's a triumph or not. Maybe it would be better to be in the psych ward getting "more aggressive treatment," as the nurse called it, whatever that may be.

I am so sick of feeling sick, GreenTeaHero, so I hear you.

I'm glad you snapped out of it.

I called a few friends after my estranged hubby went home and talked to them and really LISTENED to their problems, and that seems to've helped me, too. For the past few months, I've felt so alienated from everybody and everything, as I feel I'm sliding farther and farther downhill. So it was nice to feel I'd established a connection with some other people who're suffering.

GreenTeaHero, hang in there. We care about you.

Warmly,
Havana
Havana
bipolar II, panic/anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome 
current meds: Clonazepam, 0.5 mg prn; Topamax, 50 mg


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 7/25/2010 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   

 

  Abilify helped me a bit, respirdal helped ALOT. LOL LOL LOL However once i got my mania under control i revealed a depression lurking beneath the surface that was deadly. My PDOC feels my many mania days helped me keep the depression under control, at the expense of having sex with everything in sight. nono nono nono shocked shocked shocked turn turn turn   

   So i keep a supply of celexa on hand for when i feel a depression coming on. Then i take it for about a month to a month and a half to get over it. THen i go off of it and see if i am ok. 

  Of course there are side effects to everything, but in the end they are much easier to handle than going back to cheating, lieing, stealing, and the rages i used to have. Giving up 15 pounds and some hair is a cheap price to pay, all in all.

   Bill


 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


GreenTeaHero
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 181
   Posted 7/25/2010 8:52 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks havana. its good to hear that people care :) i can totally relate about motivation , and volunteering, and waking up thinking OH NO im still here...
so you're on depakote too? it was an easy on for me , no weird symptoms... i was happily surprised about that!! and thanks for your reply.

bill, thats hilarious :P you're too funny. so thats how you do it, you only take the antiDepressant when u feel depressed.. got it.. i may try that myself, seeing how this new one works out..
if you dont hear serious issues from me in 3-4 weeks then all is golden with the effexor :P

i totally miss my "good" mania, its been a year now.. :*(
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