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Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 7/26/2010 9:19 AM (GMT -6)   
I've been finding that, every time I think ahead to graduate school, which is only about four weeks away, I go haywire with terror. It's not so much the graduate school itself. It's just that it's all TOO MUCH:
I have a graduate assistantship, which is the only way I can go to school (for social work). The grad assistantship necessitates that I take FOUR classes, plus work ten hours per week for a professor. In addition, my computer skills are weak, and trying to learn everything I'll no doubt have to learn, while also acclimating myself to the whole school environment again (haven't been back to school since 1984, when I last earned a grad degree), overwhelms me. I wake up in the morning shaking with terror about how I'll manage this.
I used to be intelligent once. Where did that go?
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend about this, and she said that I should just concentrate on what's in front of me and not think as far ahead as school. So, I did, and this is the first morning I woke up not shaking myself almost out of bed with fear about grad school.
Maybe two solid years of school is simply too much for me?? I just don't know.
But at the moment, I don't feel that I have much in the way of marketable skills. And there sure aren't many jobs out there. And definitely not many jobs that don't call for computer knowledge.
What in the world do I do? I wish I could find some kind of low-stress job. OK, maybe I wouldn't find it fulfilling mentally, but maybe it'd get me out of the house, keep me busy, and tire me out. I'd like to fall into bed exhausted at night.
I'm guessing a lot of you are dealing with stress and how to manage it. How do you do it?
I just started going to a counselor. She wants me--I haven't even started doing it yet; I find it hard to motivate myself to do much of anything other than walk my dog once or twice a day, read, and sleep; the Topamax I'm taking has robbed me of most of my appetite, so I don't even feel like cooking or eating--to draw two mandalas a day: one that shows what I'm feeling at the moment and one that shows how I feel if I go deep into myself. I don't even know what I'm feeling other than fear. And she wants me to write down three statements and then modify them to make them more positive. Again, I feel paralyzed. I feel I have nothing to say.
It's just such a disappointment to wake up and find that I'm still here. Sigh. To feel that I've fallen into the ranks of the incurably mentally ill is so disappointing. What HAPPENED to me? Three months ago, I wasn't feeling like this. I feel like I've become my mother, who seems to've had the same problem. (We were estranged for much of her life, so I don't know a lot about her mental health problems.) Maybe I SHOULD be checking into the psych ward.
Depressedly yours,
bipolar II, panic/anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome 
current meds: Clonazepam, 0.5 mg prn; Topamax, 50 mg

red lightening
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 620
   Posted 7/26/2010 10:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Just take baby steps and stay in today.
The worries we have about the future rarely
turn out the horrendous way we imagine it.
The past is gone...we only have this moment.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 7/26/2010 4:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Red and Pebbles, thank you so much for hanging in there with me. I'm so sorry to be such a whiner. That's about all I seem to do lately is whine, I'm afraid. In the past two plus months, I've fallen into the bottom of a deep, black pit in the bottom of the earth, and I can't seem to get out of it. I can't remember feeling this badly for this long, although heaven knows, there must've been some time in my life when I felt this horrible.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for the kind words. They mean so much, even to someone who's so utterly lost, like I seem to be.

bipolar II, panic/anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome 
current meds: Clonazepam, 0.5 mg prn; Topamax, 50 mg

happy bill
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 7/26/2010 7:15 PM (GMT -6)   
   We have all been there, and guess what, we made it back.  Are you on any meds? I have to take an antidepresent from time to time (like now) to get thru the rough patches.
   But guess what, the world would be so much poorer without you in it. You are a special wonderful lady who has tons to offer.  Its ok to be scared of the unknown. I get it to, and i have to force myself to go try new things and new foods.  Before i started this job i was so affraid of it, it seemed so totally unlike something i would ever (loss prevention, catching shoplifters) Now a year and a half later i love the work and cant imiagine not doing it.
   I think anxiety goes along with this disorder.
   Keep thinking positive, and you can "whine" here all you like. If your talking thats a good thing.
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.

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