Am I deluding myself?

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jbauls
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 7/28/2010 2:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanky ou to everyone who has been helping me cope with my wife's unchecked and untreated illness. She has her first appointment with the Psyche on Friday.

Question:

This is directed to anyone with experience, either on the receiving end or on the giving end of this:

My wife still says she loves me and cares about me. She says I am still handsome but does not feel sexually attracted to me anymore. We have stopped having sex as a result of this. Physically there is nothing hat has changed with me other than a few more years. She also says she doesn't feel that deep connection she used to with me anymore.

I am holding on for dear life because I want to believe that this is simply because of her illness. And that after treatment that dead, empty feeling she has will subside and my wonderful wife will come back to me as much in love and attracted to me as she did once before.

Has anyone who is Bi-Polar or has a spouse with Bi-Polar ever went through this? Does this sound familiar. After treatment and medication did it change for the better again. I would really like to hear you experience on this topic. It is EXTREMELY painful imagining my wife happy with someone else (although she says she doesn't want ANYONE right now) and just painful feeling unwanted from the woman you've loved more than any other woman in your life.

Has anyone felt this way or dealt with their spouse feeling this way and then came through on the other side feeling better?


JB

Voix
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 7/28/2010 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
I've been with a boy I love very much for a year now, but a few months ago things got really bad. I spent all day feeling empty and suicidal and was constantly depressed, very little relief from any of my symptoms (maybe 15 minutes a day where I felt okay enough to leave my room). I didn't want to go back on medication and we were constantly fighting and the relationship fell apart.
we broke up. i decided to go to a psychiatrist and therapist on my own and got put on medication to help control the mood swings. three months passed and i started feeling like my old self again. meanwhile my ex had been my best friend through all of this, keeping me company on the long walks to my psychiatrist ( i do not drive) and helping make sure i took my medication. eventually we realized we still loved each other very much and he asked me if i would want to give the relationship another chance. i said yes. we've been back together for two months now and while we still have a few bumps in the road when my medication fails me or i am overwhelmed we fight but lately he has been trying not to react to me when i am in a bad mood.
while i do think that we came through on the other side with a much stronger relationship, i really think it is up to your wife to want to get better. if she does not get better the relationship will never work, but if she really tries she can manage her illness. i really think this is the most important thing, for her to get better before you can try to repair the relationship.
its possible some of her feelings (not being attracted to you anymore or feeling like she has lost her connection to you) are illness related, but you have to understand that if she does start to feel better and her feelings remain the same, then it was not the illness, and those feelings might never come back.
"crazy" french girl with bipolar II


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 7/28/2010 4:28 PM (GMT -7)   
 
   You know, the thing about this disorder is that it so affects how you think. WHen i was out of control i was bisexual, since then (almost 2 years) i havnt even thought about it, just women. So yes, her feeling can be entirely colored by the BP talking. Especially since she isnt in treatment yet.
 
   Since i got help and got "normal" so to speak, i have wanted only one woman, my wife. Before that it was everything that moved. So treatment really does help.  But honestly she has to accept and own this desease. Like i said before i give myself a pass for the mistakes i made before i was treated, but i hold myself accountable for myself since then. I am in control now of BP, not BP in control of me.
 
   Just give it some time, dont give up hope, but there will be plenty of bumps in the road ahead before things get better.
 
  Bill
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


ManDown
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 7/28/2010 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Jb my heart goes out to you, afterall your posts are the reason I finally signed up instead of just stalking these forums. Reading through your posts and responses I felt as though someone was dictating my thoughts onto the web. although our circumstances arent identical, they were close enough for me to understand exactly how you feel right now.
I am currently awaiting results I guess from her first Dr app. tomorrow after being recently FINALLY diagnosed with BP. Ignoring the feeling of why I still try when she shares no intimate feelings whatsoever. Not to mention the total lack of interest in our children. Of course I get the I still love you, but I dont feel a physical connection anymore. We have split recently and rejoined again about 6 weeks ago, since then we have been together physically once, and it wasnt comfortable for either of us. Although we sleep in the same bed every night I feel alone.
I am praying for some semblance of hope from her upcoming appointment to guide my actions in the near future.

LindzKaye09
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 7/28/2010 5:00 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry jbauls and mandown. I have put my husband through the same things that both of you are talking about. When I wasn't on my medication, my feeling for him and my children changed almost daily. One day I loved them all, wanted them all near me and laughed and played with them. The next day though, the sight of any of them would sometimes make me just furious. There were times in my depressed state where I knew I loved them all, but I just couldn't feel it...do you know what I mean? It's very hard to explain, I'm sorry. All the noise the children made would upset me and my husband just sitting there letting me do everything would send me over the edge. I still loved all of them, but they were very much my triggers. Sometimes neither my husband or children would do anything to upset me, but I would just simply be in a mood and didn't want anyone around me. Sometimes I pushed them all away because I was scared of what I might say or do and hurt them more than I already had.
What I'm trying to say, is there is a great chance that this is simply her BP being untreated. It takes about 2-3 weeks for the medications to really start working, once they start taking them and they HAVE to take them regularly. No if, ands, or buts about that one. I bought a watch with a timer on it, so that It would go off every time I needed a dose. It takes a lot of work on both parts, but with patience, from both of you, I'm sure things will start to look up soon. Best of luck to all of you!
I know I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be...But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. - Bob Marley

Bipolar I
OCD
Anxiety Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


jbauls
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 7/28/2010 10:20 PM (GMT -7)   
THanks Lindz

Now that you are being treated and taking meds has your feelings towards your husband A) been a lot more favorable (loving him, wanting to be romantic with him) and B) been more consistent?

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 7/29/2010 8:09 PM (GMT -7)   

" One day I loved them all, wanted them all near me and laughed and played with them. The next day though, the sight of any of them would sometimes make me just furious. There were times in my depressed state where I knew I loved them all, but I just couldn't feel it...do you know what I mean?"

I know EXACTLY what you mean!  It is so frustrating!

jbauls - some medications have sexual side effects, so her sex drive may not return.  :(  I am thankful that what I am on does not have bad sexual side effects - makes climax difficult - so sucky, but at least I still have interest!

Finding the right meds sound improve consistency, but no guarantee about sex.


Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."


LindzKaye09
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 7/29/2010 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   
jbauls~ Mine and my husbands life has improved greatly. I'm not going to lie to you though, it took a while and A LOT of work from both of us. We are still not perfect, but much better off than before. I still have some days when I don't want anyone around and they frustrate me, but it's not nearly to the extent as before. Loving him wasn't an issue, showing it was. I'm sorry, but I don't know how to explain it properly. My sex drive has always been through the roof, except while on Depakote, so showing him I loved him in that way was the easiest for me. Like tortoise11 said, there are some medications that can literally put your sex drive in the toilet and there is really nothing anyone can do about it. Our situations are a little different, but I'm sure the same thing will happen to you both. Best of luck.
I know I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be...But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. - Bob Marley

Bipolar I
OCD
Anxiety Disorder
PTSD


jbauls
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 7/30/2010 9:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Lindz,

I hope it gets better. Her sex drive is literally zero. I think the embarrassment of her getting caught in the act has sent her into this state maybe. I hope she learns how to show it again. The last time she had a high sex drive was before the baby.

I might see if there is anything that can help her recoup her sex drive. I just want my wife back. Even if sex isn't great anymore I would like her to commit to making the marriage work. You have to choose to love as well. Love can be a choice we make. I make a choice to love her every day even though she has done things that many men would have left her behind over.
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