AAAArrggghhhh SO bloody ANGRY

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nuts?
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 8/1/2010 3:59 AM (GMT -7)   
I AM SOOOOOOO AAAANNNNGGRRYYY!!!!!!!!

As some of you know I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II (rapid cycling). ~4 weeks ago

Yesterday started hard but slowly turned into an okay day. Today started okay then became actually kinda good and I felt like I could do some study........ and now I could throw my laptop against the wall and need to pound something with my fists and verbally abuse someone.

But that is NOT me!!!!!!!!!

I'm coming off my antidepressants at the moment............Explains it all huh?

I've told my partner I'm feeling 'down and cranky' I'm avoiding everyone and venting on you guys.....sorry 'bout that but I'm sure you all know what it's like.

Anyway. SO ANGRY, I was literally starting my honours year in ecotoxicology the next week then I'm diagnosed with this. Yes I know the diagnoses isn't the problem, it was happenning already. But to be honest it just isn't !#$#%$#$%$&^&%$&^%^&## fair! skull skull skull skull I was going to be a SUCCESSFUL LEADER IN MY FIELD OF RESEARCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/1/2010 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
If you've gotten this far with untreated bipolar, you can go a long ways with it treated.

Everyone is affected differently - some are disabled, and some find it gives them an advantage.

There's a neat little book titled, "The Bipolar Advantage" It is written by someone with MAJOR bipolar 1, but he makes good points about abilities that bipolars have that others do not have. This book is based on the author's personal experience.

Even better is a book titled Bipolar II by Ronald R Fieve, MD. This book is more substancial and cites many examples of how bipolar II (diagnosed or not) is a trait of many if not most entrprenuers and successful business leaders.

Don't give up! Keep doing what you are doing, take your meds, learn to take care of yourself, and enjoy an awesome life!
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 8/1/2010 1:30 PM (GMT -7)   

 

    You know, i have worked very hard to incorperate my BP into my life in various good ways. Hey if im going to have this thing, might as well make the best of it.

   So i have become one of the best Loss prevention dectective that sears has. Less than fifteen percent of LP people ever get to   100 cases, even less do it in less than a year and a half working part time.  So yes, you can be BP and one of the top in your field. I now get cases slower because i am training a new crop of dectectives who are just burning up the cameras and apprehensions.  I take great pride in seeing how well they are doing, and i feel that work for me is a huge help in controling both my BP mania and depressions.  I work labor intensive projects when i am manic, and use the good things i have accomplished there when i am down to help me feel better.

 

    No one ever said this desease was going to be easy. But no one ever said it wasa  death sentence to our hopes and dreams either.  And i may be wrong, but isnt the symbol used by the chinese to express probelm is also the same one they use to express oppturnity. yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

    I define this desease effect on my life, BP does not define me.  

   Hope this helps you a bit. Bill

 


 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/1/2010 1:42 PM (GMT -7)   

"But no one ever said it was a death sentence to our hopes and dreams either. "

But Bill - it really can be this!  I have no hope of a career.  My survival plan is be a good wife and let him pay the bills.  :(

I *should* just be thrilled to have a great relationship.  I know it's not the norm for bp.

But instead, I'm angry that I can't live out my dreams.

And I'm secretly intensely jealous that nuts?, havana, and others have made it so far in school.  I've dropped out of college 3 times in 6 years.  Even with disability accomodations, I can't handle the stress!  The last time I ended up in the hospital.

I know I have it pretty good for being bp1.  But not being able to pursue my dreams really hurts.  :(


Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 8/1/2010 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 Hey tortise, have i ever told you how jelous i am of you? I have seen your paintings of your rabbits and they are fantastic. Something that i coul d never do because i just dont have it in me.  There are things that i "wish" i could do or be, i have learned that i just am never going to be that guy.
 
   In the long run i have to say that acceptance is what has given me great peace. I accept that this is who and what i am. I accept that in treating this desease i may never create again like i did when i was manic. I accept that in order to ever have a successful relationship with a woman i will need to be medicated the rest of my life.
 
   In short i look at things now and give thanks for what i have, not what i dont. I have seen over and over again at the firehouse how quickly our lives can end, or be changed forever.  I no longer look at a great bicycle and wish i had 5000 to buy it, instead i am thankful for the really nice 2000 dollar one i have. 
 
   And whats wrong with being the best wife a guy has ever had? In my honest opinion that is a noble goal just the same as if you were trying to be the best brain surgen the world had ever known.  Being the best is being the best. Plain and simple.
 
   Lots and hugs for you tortise.
 
   Bill
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/1/2010 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Bill I think you are right about acceptance - I'm just not there yet!

I'm thinking nuts? is in the grieving process as am I.

If you don't know the steps, here they are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I remember the anger phase. I was surprised by it. It was very intense anger. I'm somewhere going back and forther between bargaining and depression now. I haven't fully accepted it the way that Bill has.

Here is my best shot at acceptance for the day: I'm not able to do the school to be a veterinarian, but I am already a good dog trainer, and I'll be the best dog trainer I can be. How was that?
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 8/1/2010 5:54 PM (GMT -7)   

 

  thats the way to look at it. And you are absolutly correct about the grieving process, it applies to this desease also perfectly. I've had almost 2 solid years  of learning to live with this and coming to grips with it. 

   For whatever reason i can't or dont hold on to pain and hurt. Maybe its a defense mechisim.  I dont question, i just accept and move on in my life.

  And i bet you will make a great dog trainer tortoise. Feel like trying your hand with a very stubbron bernese mtn dog?????   LOL LOL LOL  He is a great friend but a bit opinionied about how and what he should do.  

   Bill


 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/1/2010 7:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Sure Bill - send me an email. I'm always surprised how many (dog) problems I can fix via email. :)
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

Anne_S
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 8/3/2010 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Anyway. SO ANGRY, I was literally starting my honours year in ecotoxicology the next week then I'm diagnosed with this. Yes I know the diagnoses isn't the problem, it was happenning already. But to be honest it just isn't !#$#%$#$%$&^&%$&^%^&## fair! skull skull skull skull I was going to be a SUCCESSFUL LEADER IN MY FIELD OF RESEARCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Dear Nuts,

I hear you loud and clear. This is the right place to vent, let it out and say what you need to say. It is so important to be able to freak out here and then go back to your day and get a grip and carry on. For myself, it might just mean, driving slowly with windows up, music nice and loud, and me yelling to the top of my lungs, just to vent and let out that excess "je ne sais quoi".... Meds will help. Finding the right combo is the key. Patience with that, okay?

Sometimes just taking the drama out of the equation can make a bit of a difference. Keep things simple around you and remember, be in the moment.

Anne

Cyclothemic, histrionic

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 8/3/2010 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Nuts,
To share a story of hope: I interact with a bipolar person on a weekly basis, who is in their second year of their PhD program. While it is not ecotoxicology, it is a physical science, and this person has somehow managed to intergrate this disease into a fire for their research. You might want to think about or research about having some accomendations. To encourage you I will share a quote from the Piled higher and Deeper show "what do you call someone who took 12 years to complete their PhD program?" .... "Doctor!"
Take Care,
Navy
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 8/3/2010 12:41:11 PM (GMT-6)


nuts?
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 8/30/2010 5:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry it took me so long to get back. THanks guys> I know that I can study and do research, I just need to find the right meds and lifestyle?

Thank you

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/30/2010 8:15 AM (GMT -7)   

nuts,

I am experiencing so much anger right now, and of course my depression symptoms just feed that anger.

I understand the urge to throw something, hit something, scream, cry enlessly etc. Try to calm yourself down in these moments. I try not to think of the big huge picture of my life and take a simple walk, do some deep breathing talk with friend, spend time with a pet? drinkg WATER..I think in these times of such intense symptoms you need to cope in the moment. Not overwhelm yourself with what is wrong with your life and wonder why you're not acheiveing such big goals. One moment at a time.

I think it's the small steps that can help with the big ones.

Hugs,

Mogs

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