The Little Things.

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tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/4/2010 6:57 AM (GMT -7)   
I wrote this for my blog this morning.  Thought it was worth sharing.  :)
 

It's another day and I am alive and (mostly) well.  On good days, I find beauty in the ordinary-ness of the little things that make life "go 'round."  Things I might have never have noticed if I hadn't lived with bipolar disorder.  This disease has given me a perception all my own of life's small experiences. 


In mixed episodes (dysphoric mania) I am acutely, and maddendingly, aware of minutia.  The near silent tick-tock of someone else's wri****ch can push me beyond reason.  I take batteries out of clocks and unplug appliances with their deafening hums.  I can't be near electronic equipment and I will fly into a rage in a retail store environment - the hum of lights, the whirs of fans, the piercing high-pitched hum of the cash registers, overwhelming footsteps, the rustle of people clothes moving as they walk, and the chafing of air moving across my skin.  When I can control my rage (agitated depression), I am overwhelmed with panic.  It might be days, weeks, or months before I am able to perform the most mundane errands.


In a depressed state I am oblivious to the world around me.  No alarm clock can wake me from nearly constant sleep.  I lay in bed, only dully aware that life continues outside of my fluffy blanket cocoon.  My fiance's voice is distant and unreal, I have difficulty grasping the words he speaks.  And often, I lack the energy to speak and the cognition to form a simple statement.  There are no little things, only a sinking sensation of lifelessness and the unending desire to end whatever life is in me.


In a hypomanic episode I relish every moment.  As my eyes dilate, the world is bright, colorful, and intense.  Even cloudy days are flooded with light.  I am overwhelmed by a deep sense of well-being an security.  No longer plagued with anxiety I enjoy absorbing the fullness of life, the silent smells that go ignored - the essense of life.  As I rush through the joy of life, conquering challenges, I drink in the sensation of being completely alive.  I cannot be bothered by eating or sleeping - there is too much to do, to many things to experience, and too much work to be done.  I become temporaryily spaciously and bodily aware, my reflexes are ligthening, and I move with speed and effortless grace, dodging obstacles and completely chores in jaw-dropping speed.  I cook meal after meal that I don't intend to eat, just to experience the earthy experience of cooking and the hypnotizing aromas or spices and searing meat.  I sew, drinking up the scents of new fabric, the oil on my old machine, and feeling the roughness of soft fabric sliding under my fingertips.  Shopping is a pleasure, bright colors flood my vision, and new items beg for me to take them home.  I banter with employees and random strangers, and justify my purchases as "necessities."  I have new vision, a gift for seeing and recording into carefully rendered artwork.  Sex enters another world as my already-heightened senses meet physical arousal, I cannot get enough, I cannot be satisfied.  My continues accelerating, trying to absorb the experience of life before inevitably falling back into numb depression.


The little things and I have a dysfunctional relationship.  They refuse to stay "little" or they disappear entirely.  A few morning moments when the little things are just that - little and mundane - is a precious gift.

http://pathologicallyinteresting.blogspot.com/


Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

Carenpolar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 672
   Posted 8/4/2010 9:42 AM (GMT -7)   
awesome
hugs, Caren

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/4/2010 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   
I can do pretty much anything - depending on the mood. rolleyes

It's very frustrating. My Myers-Briggs personality type changes with my mood. When I am manic/hypomanic, I am a strong INTJ - the scientist. Which is why my choice of pre-vet study. But I've come up as almost every other personality type at one time of another. When I was a senior in high school, almost every instructor does personality testing to help students choose what they might want to do in life. I was not yet diagnosed bipolar, but was having some of the worst rapid cycling and almost daily mixed episodes. I got so many conflicting results, I thought I would go crazy! I *knew* there was something wrong, but no one believed me. (I also thought I was bipolar the first time I heard about the disorder when I was a freshman in high school, and I confided in the teacher who brushed me off and told me it wasn't possible because "I see you every day")

I loved being in college, the challenges, learning things, being in a community. Only seeing my son 1 day a week was the final straw. Or maybe it was losing my house, moving, adding 2 hours commuting, major depression, dissociative episodes, medication side effects, or missing class for days while I was in the hospital? I have no way to know - it all happened at once. :(

I dearly wish I could go back, but after my world falling down and dropping out of college 3 times in 6 years, I can't do it again. At least not yet.

I never could be consistent in the arts. I suffer from a total lack of motivation, and my artistic ability lasts as long as the mood. Usually 2 hours tops, before I either bottom out of I'm off into manic rage. I did learn to work fast enough to complete pencil works in 2 hours, but my artistic ability is so sporatic I can't imagine it becoming a career. I am just hoping to take advantage of the moods as they come and try to make saleable art then, to sell later for a little income.

Ocassionally, I have a gift for writing. Rarely. But this morning was one of those times. :)

Sometimes I am a strong public speaker and effective group leader. Sometimes I have no voice. Sometimes I can manage a business, and sometimes I can't even feed myself.

Because I'm a rapid-cycler (ultraradian, actually), my moods haven't lasted long enough to succeed at anything for a long time. When I have a long hypomainc or manic episode (my longest was a year and a half) I am pretty much awesome and can handle even high-stress deadline-oriented work. The rest of the time, I'm lucky if I can work training dogs one day a week. I depend on the few word-of-mouth referrals I get because I haven't been able to do marketing. I know what I need to do. It's been 6 YEARS and it's still not done.

I'm hijacking my own thread! lol I'll shut up now. :)
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

LindzKaye09
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 8/4/2010 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow....someone who ACTUALLY understands. Maybe it's the hormones or maybe it's finally realizing that there are people out there who KNOW, and not just pretend to know, what goes on inside my head, but this brought tears to my eyes. I know it wasn't intended for me, but thank you for this.
I know I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be...But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. - Bob Marley

Bipolar I
OCD
Anxiety Disorder
PTSD

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/4/2010 12:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Isn't it great to know that someone else "gets it"? There was a psychiatric nurse that I had med check appointments with inbetween appointments with the pdoc. I didn't like her or trust her. Until we got to talking and she revealed that she used to self-injure. It was a huge relief. Wow! She actually understood it. I didn't feel like the broken person talking to a whole person who couldn't possibly grasp what I was trying to convey. It started a whole new dynamic. We were teammates on the task of getting me well.

A little true empathy goes a long way - which is why I love this board. However anonymus our friendships are, I feel some of them are deeper than my in-real-life friends! Some of my IRL friends I haven't talked to in years, and I don't really care. But if a regular poster her turns up missing, I get really worried in just a few days or weeks. Sometimes I wish it was less anonymus so I could be there whe someone stops posting because of a mood swing.

I love you guys!
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 8/4/2010 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   

 

  That was great tortise, right on the money. I get lots of hypomania, but even that is a tempered form of mania which i used to create so much under the influence of. Now all i ever get is hypomanic, and that is fine. But still from time to time i do miss the ability to create like i used to before.

   As allways a great contribution. Thanks for sharing.

   Bill


 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/5/2010 10:33 PM (GMT -7)   
No offense taken.  It's more the people I know in person who know me a little bit better.
 
I'd call it a skill that I've spent thousands of hours, thousands of crushed up sheets in the recycle bin, plenty of tears and blood (yes really, blood).  It's really not that glamorous.
 
And I already hate the drawing I was working on and I'm trashing it tonight.  Porportions on the face/features are effed up and I have color on the paper so it's too late to try to fix it.
 
Thanks for telling me you read my blog.  I feel like I'm talking to myself most of the time.  :)
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/5/2010 10:58 PM (GMT -7)   
I added an archive/history feature to my blog so you can browse back to the beginning. I also added a keyword cloud, so you can pick out certain topics only.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."
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