BF is fighting with my therapist..

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 8/18/2010 9:53 AM (GMT -6)   
My therapist and I have talked over email for a long while.. he is a good friends of mine.... now he and my BF are in a tizzy with eachoterh... this is nuts. LOOK at what BF wrote to him ... and Phil ( my therapist) forwarded it to me this morning.
I appreciate you sharing your personal information and the fact that you obviously care for her well being.  But, with all due respect, you do not know a thing about me. You only know half of what has happened. I have not said that this was my house... Get out.  I HAVE said that she needs to go but only after she has screamed or acted out in other ways or has threatened to leave or kill herself or yelled profanities or the police have come or many other such things.  You said that she threatens to leave bc she is unsure of her status here bc I threaten to make her leave. You got it backwards.   I have only told her to "go then" AFTER she has threatened to leave.     
 I have a son with aspergers who I must protect. I welcomed her and her three kids into my house turning my life and my son's upside down. In exchange she stole my bank card and thousands of dollars. I just recently found out that she stole my credit card and ran up more. Her only comment is that she does not remember anything bc she was on drugs. 

During that time she lied to me about so many things that I do not trust her. Period.  I found 8 empty bottles of alcohol at different times.  She denied ever drinking. I found old prescriptions of pain pills that  I know had some left right before she came.... Empty. She denied it all. Empty cough syrup bottles that had codeine in it. "I never took it". All lies.   She can look you straight in the eye and BS the hell out of you.  "I have had nothing to drink"  was said so often i almost believed it until the police breathalyzer said otherwise.   That is why I keep a close eye on the situation. I have to sleep with my wallet not bc of some irrational fear that she "might" steal my credit card but because she HAS done so already. Numerous times. I keep a close watch not for some unreasonable motive or to have control it is bc she threatened to kill herself numerous times and a few weeks ago swallowed a whole bunch of pills to try and do so. I question her when she goes to her car not to keep tabs on her but because for three months that is where she hid her alcohol and pills and lied about it.   It's not about control. It is about not trusting her at all, being worried about her and protecting myself and my son whose college fund she raided!  How can I let my son drive in the same car with someone who was so stoned for three months she has no memory of a trip home she took two months ago (that she charged on my credit card). She denied it until the kids told her she was there visiting in June!  How can I trust???  By the way, while writing this my discover card called twice over charges I never made so this is not exactly in the distant past. I have to continue dealing with this daily.   

What you also fail to realize is that I rarely start or escalate these conversations. I agree that if I were to say such things without any prior comments then it could be abusive. Unfortunately,  that is not reality. Take last night. She approached me and was loving etc and asked me to express my concerns and promised me  that she would not get angry. Two minutes later the switch was thrown and she was yelling at me and calling me an ******. What did I bring up?  The fact that after leaving her kids alone with me for the entire weekend and not seeing her kids at all she literally walked past me and them and got on her darn phone/facebook/whatever and smoked all night.  The kids wanted to have some time but she just ignores them and it bothers me. She NEVER plays with them. EVER. She rarely corrects them.  They are up all hours doing whatever and she leaves all that on me. She never follows through.  She grounds them "from everything, computers, games etc" and then LEAVES for the day leaving me to handle it. Another example: Her son was calling her youngest girl fat which she already has issues with. Heather and I spoke & agreed something had to be done. The next time it happened she told him that "Stephen wants to talk to you about something." And made me talk to him about it!  I  am taking some control bc so much is out of control and she won't do anything.     
But back to the conversation last night: I never raised my voice nor called her any names while she stormed around the house calling me all kinds of things. (and I am the abusive one????) Until I just had too much. I still did not yell or threaten. I did call her crazy and I regret using that word. However, it aptly describes how she was acting.  Sweet as can be one minute and literally one minute later yelling irrationally.  I did NOT ask or tell her to leave. She yelled that her psychologist told her to get away from me. And I said then if that is what you feel is best... Then go. For those months that she does not remember, she already left numerous times. Only to find her asleep on the porch. I m tired of the threats to leave. I have not initiated her leaving. I have only responded. I'm tired of living in fear of what she will do. I'm tired of her never doing what she says she will do.  I'm tired of fearing to pull up in my own driveway out of fear of what I might find inside.  I'm tired of worrying about the effects on my son.  I am TIRED! 

With all due respect, these issues are not "picking on small details". I think that small details is hanging on a bad comment I made (droopy dog) when she has said FAR far worse. I'm sorry. While I see that comment as unproductive, I have a hard time with you telling me I need to let go of the constant lies (that continue) the theft of my kids college fund, the inattention to her children(which is ongoing) the suicide attempt and the drastic mood changes (constantly) while at the same time, condemn me for a stupid  comment made in the heat of the moment in which she gave more than she got and which happened weeks ago.   This makes no sense to me. 

While I respect your motives I do not agree with your assessment.  Calling my comments abusive is similar to one person calling someone every name in the book and pushing their buttons and when the second person finally responds with an inappropriate comment you call that second person abusive. Sorry. I disagree. Wrong on my part yes but very much provoked by actions and words.

 I do want her to get help. I have encouraged her as much as possible. The smoking issue was one I brought up a LONG time ago. Smoking is vile to me and I am slightly allergic. She knew that and supposedly quit. When I was in fourth grade I saw my dad taken out in an ambulance bc of smoking and now he has a cancer scare. My mom had to send another kid to the corner store for her cigarettes. I would get the eggs or milk but not her cigarettes. I told her I would nor help her kill herself. I was 10. Now Heather has been told by a dr that her lungs are shredded. That she got bronchitis and pnemonia bc of smoking and the smoking has only gotten worse. These are the reasons I want her to stop.  Not out of some need for control.  She has told me numerous times in the past few weeks she was going to get a script and stop. She hasn't. It has only increased.      

I have been very clear about making a life with her.  The things I have gone through the past several years as well as recently prove that. I have told her as much. I am not perfect. I made and comtinue to make mistakes. But my issues are not "small details".  Some of my comments were regrettable, especially when taken out of context.   
For the most part, i feel I have stayed remarkbly calm in the face of betryal, theft, lies, harsh language, yelling  and comments to me that would make a sailor blush. I have made mistakes but you only know half the story if that. 

By the way, she is not the only one who feels alone. I also feel betrayed by  my best friend.  While I can empathize with how she feels.... I also feel the need to protect myself and my son.  I have OFTEN felt her pain. Your implication that somehow I am not sensitive to what she is going through is inaccurate. I am being defensive now pure and simple.  I have no choice. Unlike your situation, I have a son to protect.  I have also told her this directly. He is my main concern.  

I am not really sure why you have written me since apparently you have already advised her to leave.   
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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 8/18/2010 10:12 AM (GMT -6)   
I am feeling like a referee here with two little kids ...
This is completley nuts.

This is what BF got back from Phil :

I welcomed her and her three kids into my house turning my life and my son's upside down. Turning your life upside down?? wasn't she the one who moved across the country? Yes its a huge change for both of you, but you have to give her a little credit here.

I have a son with aspergers who I must protect What are you protecting him from exactly? does she harm him in some way? or behave badly in his presence?

What you also fail to realize is that I rarely start or escalate these conversations - This could be true. I believe though it is your negative attitude/ resentment/ behavior is also a contributing factor to the conversations.

She grounds them "from everything, computers, games etc" and then LEAVES for the day leaving me to handle it = OK this is a perfect example of what she tells me . Let me explain : you want her to have more authority, and discipline the kids more ( which she did in this situation) Where exactly did she "leave for the day" to ? the beach? shopping? or did she "leave for the day" for work? Did you expect her to stay home to enforce the "grounding" is that really sensible? So. What would you have her do if it were to be done over? Not ground them? or not go to work? This is a perfect example of how she feels when she says " I feel I cant do anything right"

I understand your resentment. .. truly I do . I also know alot more than you think I do. So you telling me that I know nothing is inaccurate. I am in no way trying to bully you or place blame. I am merely trying to help. you both must accept your own faults and stop blaming each other. You also must be consistent, Another example: who watches the kids when she is at work: first I heard from her " oh everything is going to work fine, the kids will stay home in the evening for now, Stephen says that his Dr. said Jonathan is capable of being here alone with the kids for a few hours from time to time. The very next week I hear she is having to hire a sitter because you tell her it is too much for Jonathan to be alone in the house with the kids. So we are back to " I'm darned if I do and darned if I don't"

This causes more issues than you realize.

Also , and this is sort of batty on both of you : something about a computer and it not working correctly and you expecting her to fix it ... I dont fully recall all the details, but it seems this happens alot of the time. Why is it her job to repair things, and correct problems? is there something wrong with your hands? I understand asking her for help , but from what she tells me , you expect her to drop everything she is doing and tend to issues such as this. Silly little things... but this causes her to have resentment toward you... and causes more problems than you realize. Basically this is the picture I get from HER : you need something done, whether it be something around the house/ an errand/ or something as simple as picking up something from the store. This darn computer issue was huge for her. You sat around and did nothing to repair the computer and when she comes in from work yell that its broken, and ask her if she can fix it?

She attempts to be superwoman for several reasons. 1. that is just the way she is , which is not your fault. 2. you put so much pressure on her to do SO much , and when she cant get it all done , she feels she has failed. You both work ... you both have stress... yet you expect her to take care of everything? that's in no way fair. She mentioned hiring a housekeeper... with two adults in the house, there should be no need for this. " I come home from work and the house is a wreck, and there is laundry still piled on the couch that I folded yesterday" when both parents work, it should not be one persons job to do the cleaning / laundry/ chores.

Another example: Her son was calling her youngest girl fat which she already has issues with. Heather and I spoke & agreed something had to be done. The next time it happened she told him that "Stephen wants to talk to you about something." And made me talk to him about it! I am taking some control bc so much is out of control and she won't do anything : She told me about this , she also told me that the reason she did it is that she wants you to be more involved and feel comfortable as a "parent figure" with the kids, and wanted you to feel ok about discipline/talking to/ taking control , if need be.

And yes.. I did tell her to leave you.. I believe I used the words " control freak " on more than one occasion. From the tone of your email I can understand more what she means when she says she feels she has to walk on eggshells. The anger/resentment comes across very well. I can only imagine what its like in person.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 8/18/2010 1:02 PM (GMT -6)   
No offense here, but maybe a general write-up of events rather than a posting of the emails would be more appropriate? I'm betting your Doc might take issue with his email being posted here.

My apologies if I'm wrong.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/18/2010 1:12 PM (GMT -6)   
hi dearie - I think there are some valid points on both sides. :( I can't imagine how rough this is on you!
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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 8/19/2010 8:07 AM (GMT -6)   
I have no idea whats going on now.... The only reason I know about this is bc my therapist told me ... BF refuses to tell me and he doesnt know that I know its going on.   Yesterday morning he woke up happy ,, until he couldnt find his socks, and started blaming me for it . Then he stormed out of the house. Then I heard that he and the therapist were emailing ( from the therapist) then all of a sudden at 2pm BF comes home from work (STRANGE)  I tol him I was glad to see him .. he said nothing... I asked how he was , why he was home ,. he said I have a ton of things to do ... I asked what .. he said "laundry"  but he went upstairs and laid down in bed. He refused to speak to me .
So I went up to try and talk to him , and got nothing. he gave me the silent treatment all day , and even when I got home from work last night ... nothing.  He wouldnt even touch me. .. muh less talk to me. I kept asking what I had done , he just said " you havent done anything"  he is treating me so cold and it kills me .  I had nightmares all night about this . I dont know what to do .

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 8/19/2010 9:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Just to throw out an option on the table I wonder if this might be best addressed in some kind of single/couples/family therapies?  Because there is alot going on there... 
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happy bill
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Date Joined Nov 2008
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   Posted 8/20/2010 11:40 AM (GMT -6)   
You know belle, it took me screwing up that badly to finally accept that a lot of the blame lies with me. If u have been drinking, pill abuse, taking money and lying about it then you are where the problem lies. U need to get help to get out of this cycle of destruction that bp has u on. Once u are well and healthy then u can work on the relationship. But noone could live with u doing those things. Understand that in the end we only really have control over one thing in this world, ourselves.!!!!!! Good luck we are here for u
"If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"

"It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself." Happy Bill

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