My therapist and I have talked over email for a long while.. he is a good friends of mine.... now he and my BF are in a tizzy with eachoterh... this is nuts. LOOK at what BF wrote to him ... and Phil ( my therapist) forwarded it to me this morning.
I appreciate you sharing your personal information and the fact that you obviously care for her well being. But, with all due respect, you do not know a thing about
me. You only know half of what has happened. I have not said that this was my house... Get out. I HAVE said that she needs to go but only after she has screamed or acted out in other ways or has threatened to leave or kill herself or yelled profanities or the police have come or many other such things. You said that she threatens to leave bc she is unsure of her status here bc I threaten to make her leave. You got it backwards. I have only told her to "go then" AFTER she has threatened to leave.
I have a son with aspergers who I must protect. I welcomed her and her three kids into my house turning my life and my son's upside down. In exchange she stole my bank card and thousands of dollars. I just recently found out that she stole my credit card and ran up more. Her only comment is that she does not remember anything bc she was on drugs.
During that time she lied to me about so many things that I do not trust her. Period. I found 8 empty bottles of alcohol at different times. She denied ever drinking. I found old prescriptions of pain pills that I know had some left right before she came.... Empty. She denied it all. Empty cough syrup bottles that had codeine in it. "I never took it". All lies. She can look you straight in the eye and BS the hell out of you. "I have had nothing to drink" was said so often i almost believed it until the police breathalyzer said otherwise. That is why I keep a close eye on the situation. I have to sleep with my wallet not bc of some irrational fear that she "might" steal my credit card but because she HAS done so already. Numerous times. I keep a close watch not for some unreasonable motive or to have control it is bc she threatened to kill herself numerous times and a few weeks ago swallowed a whole bunch of pills to try and do so. I question her when she goes to her car not to keep tabs on her but because for three months that is where she hid her alcohol and pills and lied about it. It's not about control. It is about not trusting her at all, being worried about her and protecting myself and my son whose college fund she raided! How can I let my son drive in the same car with someone who was so stoned for three months she has no memory of a trip home she took two months ago (that she charged on my credit card). She denied it until the kids told her she was there visiting in June! How can I trust??? By the way, while writing this my discover card called twice over charges I never made so this is not exactly in the distant past. I have to continue dealing with this daily.
What you also fail to realize is that I rarely start or escalate these conversations. I agree that if I were to say such things without any prior comments then it could be abusive. Unfortunately, that is not reality. Take last night. She approached me and was loving etc and asked me to express my concerns and promised me that she would not get angry. Two minutes later the switch was thrown and she was yelling at me and calling me an ******. What did I bring up? The fact that after leaving her kids alone with me for the entire weekend and not seeing her kids at all she literally walked past me and them and got on her darn phone/facebook/whatever and smoked all night. The kids wanted to have some time but she just ignores them and it bothers me. She NEVER plays with them. EVER. She rarely corrects them. They are up all hours doing whatever and she leaves all that on me. She never follows through. She grounds them "from everything, computers, games etc" and then LEAVES for the day leaving me to handle it. Another example: Her son was calling her youngest girl fat which she already has issues with. Heather and I spoke & agreed something had to be done. The next time it happened she told him that "Stephen wants to talk to you about something." And made me talk to him about it! I am taking some control bc so much is out of control and she won't do anything.
But back to the conversation last night: I never raised my voice nor called her any names while she stormed around the house calling me all kinds of things. (and I am the abusive one????) Until I just had too much. I still did not yell or threaten. I did call her crazy and I regret using that word. However, it aptly describes how she was acting. Sweet as can be one minute and literally one minute later yelling irrationally. I did NOT ask or tell her to leave. She yelled that her psychologist told her to get away from me. And I said then if that is what you feel is best... Then go. For those months that she does not remember, she already left numerous times. Only to find her asleep on the porch. I m tired of the threats to leave. I have not initiated her leaving. I have only responded. I'm tired of living in fear of what she will do. I'm tired of her never doing what she says she will do. I'm tired of fearing to pull up in my own driveway out of fear of what I might find inside. I'm tired of worrying about the effects on my son. I am TIRED!
With all due respect, these issues are not "picking on small details". I think that small details is hanging on a bad comment I made (droopy dog) when she has said FAR far worse. I'm sorry. While I see that comment as unproductive, I have a hard time with you telling me I need to let go of the constant lies (that continue) the theft of my kids college fund, the inattention to her children(which is ongoing) the suicide attempt and the drastic mood changes (constantly) while at the same time, condemn me for a stupid comment made in the heat of the moment in which she gave more than she got and which happened weeks ago. This makes no sense to me.
While I respect your motives I do not agree with your assessment. Calling my comments abusive is similar to one person calling someone every name in the book and pushing their buttons and when the second person finally responds with an inappropriate comment you call that second person abusive. Sorry. I disagree. Wrong on my part yes but very much provoked by actions and words.
I do want her to get help. I have encouraged her as much as possible. The smoking issue was one I brought up a LONG time ago. Smoking is vile to me and I am slightly allergic. She knew that and supposedly quit. When I was in fourth grade I saw my dad taken out in an ambulance bc of smoking and now he has a cancer scare. My mom had to send another kid to the corner store for her cigarettes. I would get the eggs or milk but not her cigarettes. I told her I would nor help her kill herself. I was 10. Now Heather has been told by a dr that her lungs are shredded. That she got bronchitis and pnemonia bc of smoking and the smoking has only gotten worse. These are the reasons I want her to stop. Not out of some need for control. She has told me numerous times in the past few weeks she was going to get a script and stop. She hasn't. It has only increased.
I have been very clear about making a life with her. The things I have gone through the past several years as well as recently prove that. I have told her as much. I am not perfect. I made and comtinue to make mistakes. But my issues are not "small details". Some of my comments were regrettable, especially when taken out of context.
For the most part, i feel I have stayed remarkbly calm in the face of betryal, theft, lies, harsh language, yelling and comments to me that would make a sailor blush. I have made mistakes but you only know half the story if that.
By the way, she is not the only one who feels alone. I also feel betrayed by my best friend. While I can empathize with how she feels.... I also feel the need to protect myself and my son. I have OFTEN felt her pain. Your implication that somehow I am not sensitive to what she is going through is inaccurate. I am being defensive now pure and simple. I have no choice. Unlike your situation, I have a son to protect. I have also told her this directly. He is my main concern.
I am not really sure why you have written me since apparently you have already advised her to leave.
Sent from my iPhone