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tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/20/2010 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
After a TERRIBLE day with Seroquel, it has finally worn off.  Stomach pain gone, nausea gone, appetite back.  So hungry!  I can walk and talk normally again.  I can see right.
 
I feel emotion again!  tongue   I can tell my fiance I love him!
 
I might have a pretty rotten deal in life, but a day like today makes me appreciate my rotten deal.
 
I am NOT taking seroquel tonight!  My fiance's 15-yr class reunion is tomorrow.  After today, he won't leave me home alone.  And I can not go in the state I was in today!!
 
If my mixed episode is over, I AM NOT taking seroquel!  O.M.G.  skull   Thank god I normally have issues with only depression and the Lamictal has worked for that!  I have a bad mixed episode every 3 - 5 years.  Hopefully I'll be good for a while.
 
On an interesting note, my resting heart rate is close to 60.  Rage in a mixed episode is 190+!  shocked    After hours of that, no wonder I was tired!
 
Anyway, all is good here.  I'll be up a few more hours and might check in again.  Post if you want to chat.

Post Edited (tortoise11) : 8/27/2010 11:10:12 AM (GMT-6)


LindzKaye09
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 8/20/2010 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Glad you're feeling better. :-) There was a women in the hospital who was taking Seroquel and she said it was messing with her a lot and didn't want to take it anymore. What is it used for?

Lindz
I know I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be...But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. - Bob Marley

Bipolar I
OCD
Anxiety Disorder
PTSD

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/20/2010 7:21 PM (GMT -7)   
It's for the mania side. It is an atypical anti-psychotic.

Lamictal (anti-convulsant) controls the depression side well for me. But I was getting elevated mood and into a mixed episode. It wasn't really severe, but I very nearly did something so terrible that I can't talk about it online.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/22/2010 5:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Mixed episode: over. Thank God! My son is home again and it is back to normal.

I took a nap today and woke up depressed. What a rotten trick! After dinner I started crying for absolutely no reason at all. (Argh!) But it wasn't a really deep depression - I know I can work through this one and that it will pass. If not buy 9 p.m., then probably overnight.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

GreenTeaHero
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 181
   Posted 8/22/2010 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
wow tortoise. u're really going through a lot right now. way to keep your attitude positive, though!
i remember going through a mixed episode this time of year last year.. wonder if its seasonal?
sometimes extra sleep gets me depressed too, i dont know about u..

good luck beating off that depression!

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/22/2010 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
hmmm....  I guess I didn't think about that.  It is a little bit seasonal.  Last winter was the first that I wasn't depressed ALL winter.  I should look into that more.  Maybe I need better light?
 
I have a BAD mixed episode once every 3 - 5 years.  I guess I'm good for a few years now!  LOL
 
I'm alright now.  Not happy, but within the range of normal.  A little frustrated.  I finished a portrait today and I want to start another.  Excpet I'm waiting on deposits from 3 clients, so I have no paid work to do.  And I can't seem to find something to draw.  That was always my struggle.  I can work "on spec" but I've never had creative vision/inspiration to start from scratch.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/23/2010 8:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm already back to not sleeping much 2 - 4 hours, and IRRITABLE! *sigh* I called pdoc's office this morning about the seroquel disaster. Haven't gotten a call back yet.

So, I have TONS of extra medication. Enough to kill me. And I *know* that I should take it to the pdoc or pharmacy and get rid of it. But I don't want to. That is so twisted and wrong.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/23/2010 11:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Uggh. I just survived the worst ultraradian cycling in a mixed episode ever. It was very scary. My service-dog-in-training did her job and I'm OK now. Shaken and sore, feeling guilty for snapping at my fiance and son. But I'm safe again. And spoiling the dog rotten. So proud of her!
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

Voix
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 8/23/2010 11:29 AM (GMT -7)   
the seroquel is going to make it tough for a few days to sleep if you quit it cold turkey, even if youd only taken two doses. i wonder how crazy i must be to put up with all the side effects since nobody else around here seems to stick with seroquel as long as i have!
"crazy" french girl with bipolar II

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/23/2010 2:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I have another pdoc appointment in 2 days.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

Voix
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 8/24/2010 7:10 AM (GMT -7)   
best of luck, i hope you are able to get some sleep soon. i have an appt on monday
"crazy" french girl with bipolar II

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/24/2010 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   
I thought I was going to be OK after coming through that nastiness and ending up in a good place. My fiance made me go to bed early. COULD NOT SLEEP. Ending up finally falling asleep, but waking up... repeatedly. I woke up angry. :( I always wake up in a good mood. :(

Today is not a good day. My fiance came home for lunch, turned around and went back to work. :( I'll quit whining here and take it to my blog.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/24/2010 3:05 PM (GMT -7)   
No caffiene here. I haven't hardly ate anything at all and can't really remember. I'm so disoriented, I have a hard time figuring which day is which. And now that I just stopped and figured it out (it's Tuesday, BTW) I realize that I have a dog training appointment tonight. *whew!* I would have totally missed that.

Taking Lamictal - haven't missed any doses in the last week. At 150 mg. I think I am out of Klonopin. maybe 1 pill left?

I do ask for a deposit for the portraits. I'm glad I am waiting on a couple people for photos and/or deposits. I haven't been able to do that stuff for a few days.

I am having a harder and harder time resisting the urge to cut. I think I need to go buy bangle bracelets to hide them. At this point I consider it inevitable - I'd do it now, except my fiance will be home any minute now...

Right now I feel like taking Seroquel on Wed. night so I'm all effed up for my pdoc appointment. When I called the nurse, and she talked to my pdoc, and called back, she said that he said that I wasn't having a normal reaction. Although from everyone here that has been on it, it seems on par.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/24/2010 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
No person causing it. I've made dramatic life changes to remove all stress from my life. The thing that started this whole thing was getting engaged. Enter hypomania, and not sleeping. After a month of gradually less and less sleep, this is where I am. :(

I'm trying to figure out how to tell my pdoc what it going on. I have a mood chart. I asked my fiance to take some notes. I always get anxiety and I don't want them to send me to the hospital, so I always understate my symptoms. Plus I don't really remember issues later.

I had another significant ultraradian episode last night. Started with disorientation, then anger, turned into random bawling while curled up in a fetal position in the couch, followed by shaking, chills, goosebumps, totally overwhelmed. I went to get something from the basement and sat down on the stairs crying for no reason all over again. I went into the bedroom, pulled the shades and laid down. I started to calm down. Dizziness, grayed-out vision and shaking started to fade away. And then I started crying again. I had to go to that dog training appointment and I was fine for that - I train dogs because it is the ONLY thing I can do consistently (IF I don't do too much and overwhelm myself). And settled back into a okay/bad/not-going-to-kill me mood. Still no appetite. Bedtime and I'm not tired. (I should be exhausted for having that episode so late in the day.)

Dr. appointment is day after tomorrow.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/25/2010 3:13 AM (GMT -7)   
My fiance asked me to come to bed last night. Actually he just asked me to go to bed by midnight. And I started crying. I had a chance to tell him why I stay up late - because it is the only time I feel good. And that if I sleep, my days are still rotten and then I never feel good. He was really sweet about it and encouraged my to get my sleep cycle switched around so that he can be with me when I feel good. We hugged. I blurted out, "I don't know if I can do this!" And he's like, "What are you talking about?" I said, "Being around people [him and my son] that care about me. It's so much easier to be alone. If I die nobody would notice. and then I would have to worry about that all the time." He just hugged me. The look on his face was like "You have got to be kidding me?!" I went to bed with him - on the contingency that he would cuddle me. Which he did. And then I started kissing him... and one thing led to another. Oh, I enjoyed it! It was right when my normal/good mood hit, so I really enjoyed it! He was like, "What is that big smile for?" ... Ummm... I don't know. Because I don't feel like dying right now and I'm sending that time with you?

I was drifting off to sleep at 12:15 a.m. I assume I was asleep by 12:30 a.m. And I was wide awake at 4:30 a.m. I folded 2 loads of laundry, updated my blog. I have a new dog portrait to work on. It is an unpaid project for my portfolio. But I contacted the owner of the dog to make sure it was OK to post my work on my blog. She is so in love with the idea of having her dog's portrait done! She asked for my website. My rates are clearly posted... Maybe she will buy it? :shrug:
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/25/2010 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
cool    I'm all high on life, excited, SUPER HIGH motivation.  Dishes washed, laundry folded, portraits started.  Not sure what to do next but d*mn I have to do something!  The kind of happy that sends chills down my spine and makes me want to hug random strangers.  Woo hoo!  I'd be loving it if I didn't know it is a temporary high - and probably on the way to having even worse issues.  Gotta love it!  LOL  tongue
 
Genetic - I went back through my blog.  This started when my bf proposed.  Went into hypomania, screwed with my sleep schedule.  I haven't slept more than 6 hours at a time in a month.  And now I'm down to 2-4 hours.  Not good.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/25/2010 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm twitching. Gimping out. Running all over the house cleaning everything and getting distracted by stupid things like filing my fingernails. LOL! Talking to myself in pressured speech. Can't turn off my mind. LOL

Bedrooms are clean, beds made, clothes put away. Dishes washed, kitchen cleaned. Vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom next. How long will that take me?! lol

Woot! :D
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/25/2010 7:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Woot! Bathroom cleaned! Every floor in the house vacuumed or swept. Basement is clean. Dusted.

I think I will paint the bathroom now.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

LindzKaye09
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 8/25/2010 7:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh hun, you sound like me last week. lol Cleaned the bathrooms, swept, mopped, did dishes, laundry, and cleaned the downstairs carpets at like 2 am! Then, had to have a date with my vibrating friend and still had energy to spare ahahaha. Try to slow down a little hun. I'm glad you're having fun though lol. All I know, is the bigger up I have, the lower down I have. Have you tried a walk, not run, just a simple walk?

Lindz
I know I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be...But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. - Bob Marley

Bipolar I
OCD
Anxiety Disorder
PTSD

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/25/2010 7:39 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm coming down. Relaxed, calm. (Tired!) Thank God no big crash (yet). Chilling out listening to smooth jazz. Funny how fast this changes. I was nuts-crazy-hypomanic for only 1-1/2 hours. Now I'm into a sort of zen calm only get close to "good" hypomanias. BEST feeling ever.

Ah well. The house is clean now. :) My fiance will be happy about that. I have not been pulling my own weight on housework/cooking lately! And we're having weekend guests, so the timing is good.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/25/2010 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I crashed a few hours ago. I went to pick up a bunch of tomatoes at my fiance's work. I brought the dogs in too because there was a vet tech intern that needed to apply Frontline for her checkoff list thing and our dogs needed frontline. I had to sit around and wait for a while. (If I was in a mood, this would have caused awful anxiety). My fiance was inbetween appointments, so we sat in his office and chatted.

about 30 minutes before he got home and the end of the day I crashed. He comes home and is like - "That's not the same girl I saw at work today." Umm... yeah. no crap. Grrr.

I gave up and laid down, curled up in my blanket, crying. I eventually fell asleep. I was starting to wake up and fell OK-ish when he came in to wake me up and tempt me to eat with a homemade "cheddar bay" biscuit. It worked. :)

I asked him to help me go take care of the rabbits because I couldn't remember the last time I had taken care of them. One had died. I couldn't help but to actually say my thoughts, "I can't do anything right, I'm a failure" etc. I think he was a little surprised by that. But that is what goes on in my head CONSTANTLY when I'm in a mood like that. I'll never amount to anything. I'm going to destroy my relationship and then I'll be homeless and lose my son. I can't do anything right. I have no future. My life is a sham. There's no point to my life. It's not worth living. And continue into various suicide plans/strategies. I can go from zero to suicidal in about 2 minutes.

I really CANNOT go on like this. I wanted to cut so badly today, but I couldn't find my razor blades. It is really bothering me now. :( I don't know if I moved them or if he hid them. And if he hid them, I'll be p*ssed off! Oh well. Going shopping tomorrow. Ill just buy some more and keep them hidden.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/25/2010 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Another suicidal episode. My fiance is about done with me. For real. :( But then all the sudden, I stopped crying and was fine again. Like smiling, relaxing, hugging, kissing, all-is-good-in-the-world fine.

I am so FRUSTRATED. I can't take anymore I did cut. Felt tons better. Until he walked in on me. Thank god he doesn't freak out. He just went to bed and I felt horribly guilty.

20 minutes later, I'm ready to die. That might have been a new low for me. I've been suicidal A LOT in my life. But that was pretty d*mn close to actually doing it. And then I was suddenly OK again.

I can't take this roller-coaster anymore. I'm done with this. I hope there is an alternative to seroquel - I was so suicidal on that too.

My pdoc appointment is tomorrow. My brother, his wife and kids are coming up for the weekend. So I am safe tonight with those things in the near future.

I can't go to the hospital. There's too much relationship stress right now. I can't add that on top of it. :(
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/26/2010 5:29 AM (GMT -7)   
I slept 8 - 9 hours, and I'm OK. Good. Tired! I might go back to bed yet this morning.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/26/2010 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm trying to get ready for my Dr. appointment. Make sure I am prepared.

I am taking my mood chart - a computer generated one with pretty much every symptom I've had.

I'm taking a bullet-point list of major moods and episodes in the past week, hours of sleep, and meds

I'm taking back extra medications that I'm realizing are not safe for me to have at home: 240 mg Abilify + 5,950 mg Seroquel + 6,775 mg Lamictal. Enough to do some serious damage. Possibly enough to kill me.

I have a proposal of what I think I need:

Klonopin. (10 - 20 pills, 0.5 mg) I have taken it early into agitation/irritability that was likely to become a mixed episode. It stopped it. I can function and drive on 0.5 mg dose. I have one left, but I won't take it because "next time might be worse and I might need it then."

Xanax - (7 - 10. I don't know the dose, but it is my medical history at the clinic.) I took it once 3 years ago. At the time is was really bad. My son was young and eating every 2 hours. One dose knocked me out for 8 hours. (Can you say REALLY BAD?) But I don't remember any side effects from it. Take one at night for a week or so to get me back to sleeping normally.

From what I've read about other sleep aids, they shouldn't be given to a person prone to depression. So especially now, those sound like a bad idea.

My relationship is getting so strained that I can't risk a bad reaction to medication. 1 more day of this and I'm homeless. I will be safe over the weekend - my brother, his wife and kids are coming up for the weekend. If I can get a few good night's worht of sleep, I think I will be OK following that.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/26/2010 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
TY, Genetic! :)

I miss Horse Crazy too. Waiting for her to comment on SouthernBelle's threads.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."
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