feeling the need

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LindzKaye09
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 8/22/2010 8:17 PM (GMT -7)   
To cut REALLY strongly right now! I did it last week, for the first time in ages. I really don't know why either. My husband saw the cuts and completely freaked, which I understand. He's not happy with me right now. I feel like everyone thinks I'm this crazy chick since they put me in the hospital under suicide watch. Our families are almost insisting that I go and stay up in WA while my husband is on deployment. I can't get my mind straight right now and it's so frustrating. I just want some of this anger and sdness to go away. I was doing so good untill today, then, pow! It just hits you like a ton of bricks. Oh, I've tried using a rubber band to hit my wrist, that didn't ork. I can't go and exercise or run cause my head STILL hurts and so does my body. I just want this to go away. Why am I having so much trouble getting these darn moods under control??????
I know I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be...But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. - Bob Marley

Bipolar I
OCD
Anxiety Disorder
PTSD

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/22/2010 9:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there dear! Just FYI - mods might edit a lot out of your post because of the topic. It won't be anything personal.

Can I say again that I think it is a very bad idea and dangerous for your Dr's to refuse to have you on meds - even low doses?! Can you get a second opinion?! Given that you have quite a long time left and you're already having severe problems, I think you'll find a Dr. who will actually do his homework and research it rather than flatly say no. My pdoc says Lamictal is fine during pregnancy, even though my fiance (a veterinarian, who has access to more medical information that us and has done his own research on the med and studies done) says he wouldn't let me be on Lamictal while pregnant. But he DOES NOT deal with unknowns well.

Anyway - I think there are more options out there for you!

I do understand the urge to SI. I fought through it just 2 days ago. There are 2 things that work for me. I decide I'm not going to do anything stupid and in order to do that I do nothing at all. I was in a bad (violent) mixed state and I laid in bed (absolutely furious) for a few hours until my mom could pick up my son. I knew I was out of control and the only thing I could do was absolutely NOTHING. The other thing that works is a date with my vibrator. LOLOL

O know you've heard it before, but I think learning self-care techniques is necessary to get through this. CONSTANT self-care. It's tedious, but it can help keep symptoms away. It only worked for me if I did everything to the extreme. When I slacked off, I had bad symptoms again, couldn't get back on doing self-care and then started meds. Now that I'm more stable, I have the impulse-control to go back to it.

Are you able to meditate? Do you have access to meditation CD's? (Try your library!) I have a hard time meditating alone and I get stressed out trying to "do it right." But my tp gave me a CD and it really helps.

How about self-massage? Especially face, neck, shoulder. Feels SO good. You can just do it or pick up a book at the library on it.

I just searched my library online tonight as reserved some books on bp. Maybe I'll learn something new. Maybe that's an option for you?

Some people have good results with herbal teas. I personally don't like them, so no comment. :)

Large doses of Omega-3 fatty acids help. Of course ask your Dr since you're pregnant.

Strict sugar-free, super-low-carb diet. It is SO HARD to get started, but I noticed a huge difference. I can be off meds if I can stick to this diet. But if I have ONE sweet thing, I can't control the impulse and it all falls apart, I have to go back on meds to get it under control. Again - check with your Dr's. I don't know a thing about human health, but I know that pregnant dogs need carbs or more of the puppies will die.

No caffiene - I think you said you are doing that now?

My brain stopped working. There are so many things you can do. I didn't even start talking about planning around triggers and using a schedule. :)

Anything you can do will make it just a little bit better. Best of luck to you. Keep posting! I worry about you!
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/23/2010 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Lindz,

I have been very absent from the board lately. I am sorry to learn you've been in hospital, but glad you were there to be safe. Wondering if you need to go back with this SI urges? Perhaps it would be a good thing to lean on family (if they are gentle and supportive) through this.

Things desperately need to stablize for yourself and your baby. You really need to watch the stress you are under. Toroise gave some excellent suggestions for coping. I lean on both a distress and crisis line in my area as well. I call them whenver I am feeling on the edge. They really help in bringing me to an absolute calm.
 
Keep posting and please get help asap.
 
Hugs,
Mogs
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed for panic attacks
---temporarily off Lamictal----
Seroquel 50mg/night

LindzKaye09
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 8/24/2010 11:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey there. Sorry that you're having a hard time also Tortoise. It's been hard, but I haven't SI since last week. How have you been doing with the SI lately? I hope you're doing okay. I sw you were having some pretty hard days there, but I felt like I couldn't post anything, seeing as I'm having just as hard of a time and didn't know what to say to help you. Sorry about that.

My husband got on here and read some of my posts and was not happy. He knew I cut, but didn't know i was still having more urges. I don't tell him, 'cause I don't want him to worry. "I'm going to worry no matter what you say. But, I worry more when you tell me that everything is fine, when I can see that it obviously is not, " was his reaction. Which, I understand. Like I've said before though, I've gotten so used to hiding things from people, it's just so hard to tell him what's really going on. A) I don't want him thinking I'm crazy B) I don't want his family to think i'm any MORE crazy than they already do C) I'm used to taking care of things myself and am still learning how to let others help me and D) Half the time, I don't even really know what's wrong, so how can I explain what I'm going through to him, when he's never gone through it himself and doesn't understand it and when I'm going through it, but still don't understand it?!

I went to my counselor on Monday and told her about the hospital and that they still didn't give me everything and about my husbands family now thinking this is going to be a regular occurrence and thinking I'm crazier than before. Well, I ended up having a panic attack in her office. She told me to tense up all my muscles in my toes, hold and release, then go to my legs, then to my stomach, etc. I was able to calm down after about 10 min, but it kind of worried her. She was also upset that they put me in the hospital, but didn't give me anything. I have an appt tomorrow to see about getting on some meds. Hopefully they will give me SOMETHING! I honestly don't care what it is right now. I just need something to help me sleep and eat. I woke up almost every hr last night! Woke up pissed beyond belief this morning. Got a nap in this afternoon, but was woken up by my husband and was pissed again! I was lethargic all day, until about 7 pm, then was go, go , go. My husband likes me to lay down with him when he goes to sleep, but tonight I couldn't even lay in bed again. My body is sooooooo tired right now, but sleep is not in my near future.

I've cut out caffeine. Except for an Excedrin Migraine, because of my horrible headache that STILL has not gone away! I'm craving PB&J sandwiches likes crazy right now, but I'm using whole wheat bread. Drinking water and juice, trying to stay away from all the bad stuff. I've been taking long, hot baths, having my husband give me a massage or just a simply back scratch for a few minutes, writing in my journal, writing on here.....I'm running out of options. Hardly any sleep, no rem sleep what so ever, hardly eating still, headaches, panic attacks, mixed moods still going on, and getting more and more agitated by the day. I'm REALLY hoping they can give me some meds tomorrow!

Hey Mogs. The hospital really is ot the place for me. They refused to give me meds, except for something when I had a migraine and some benadryl to help me sleep. BENADRYL, can you believe it?! Usually it takes 200 to 300 of Trazadone to knock me out and they think a 25 mg tab of benadryl was going to do anything! Plus, I felt worse in there, while being away from my kids. I'm doing okay with the SI thoughts now, just hoping this appt tomorrow can give me something to at least settle things down a bit. At least so I can get some MUCH needed sleep lol. I did get a crisis line # to call and keep it by my computer, just in case. She did give some great ideas, unfortunately, I've tried a lot of them, and nothing seems to be working to help me right now. This too will pass though. It has to.

Oh, no need to worry about little ol me. I've been doing this long enough to know when I need some serious help and I'm not there just yet :) Eveverything will ne just fine!

Thanks,
Lindz
I know I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be...But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. - Bob Marley

Bipolar I
OCD
Anxiety Disorder
PTSD

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/25/2010 3:05 AM (GMT -7)   
LOL. You bet I'm worrying about you. Not because I think you're "crazy" but because I've been there - and well on my way to getting there now. It's not constant for me now, I am getting breaks in between mixed and depressive episodes. Ultraradian.... gotta love it...

It sound like you are doing a lot of good things - as many as you can. Of course I'll encourage you to do more until you can get some medication! :)
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."
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