I feel like im in the tilight zone!!!! NO wonder im crazy!!

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SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 8/23/2010 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Things have been PERFECT with BF the past two days ... I mean perfect! we have spent time together , laughed and been best friends again . It was amazing.  last night I lay there thinking oh if these two days have been great , I wonder if the next are going to be completley terrible.. ( that seems to be the pattern)    What I am about to write is completley insane to me ... I have no idea WHY this happened.  
 
Flash back to last week for a sec ... it is his responsibility to pay the utilities ( which always are threatened to be turned off bc he is NEVER organized with bills) So I got a pink notice from the water company that the water will be turned off on the 23rd ( TODAY) ...  ok  I said I would take care of it ( this was last week)   I knew I had until the 23rd to pay it , so I waited TWO days , until the 18th, and I was going to pay it ... BF said NO just give me the money and I will go pay it , I want to make sure it gets done (laughable) but ok.. I gave him the money..... 
 
He didnt pay it .... and on friday night he realized he forgot to pay it , and swore he would pay it this morning....  So this morning I wake up to this :
 
Hes stomping around the house bc he cant find the bill ... asked me where it is ... I told him I may have acccidentally threw it away bc it was in with some other papers.... his response is to yell  :   Jesus Christ, Now how can I pay it ? I dont have the address, I need to call and make sure they take cash, why the hell would you throw it out?!?!?!  
 
I apologized, again for my mistake ...  and offered to get the address ( its less than FIVE minutes from here)  go take the money NOW and pay the bill.... he REFUSED to give it to me! said NO you said for two days you were going to do it and never did...  I said OK you are  acting completley nuts right now , and I dont understand your reactions....  Give me the money back that I gave you for the bill , aI will go pay it right NOW.....   He still refused .... he said No I will jsut take a shower at my parents house... the water will be turned off at noon today ....  and you dont care!!!
 
then he left for work...
 
 

red lightening
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 620
   Posted 8/23/2010 6:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Try not to react...realize that this is his 'stuff.' He is in fear. It is very hard for the ego not to defend, fight back or behave in other manipulative passive aggressive behaiviors when someone clearly steps over the line. Instead ask yourself, "How important is it.? Try to have compassion for him and realize that this too shall pass and all will be well. You don't have to take it on. Just love him and rise above it...you will continue to grow spirtually if you can overcome this. I had to do this last night when my husband threw a fit at me. I wanted to fight back and threaten to leave and all that drama but I didn't. I am trying to talk myself into letting it go because it is completely out of character for him. I'm giving him a break and letting it go...same as I'd want him to do for me.

SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 8/23/2010 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   
I did.... I let it go and Im trying to understand .... then he walks back in the door and starts making smart comments " oh yeah that bill would have gotten paid , your still sitting on that darn computer" my initial response was YOU took the money!!! OR I *WOULD* have gone at 8 am... of course I get the "yeah right" .... so he jsut keeps going on and on and on about those TWO days that I didnt go pay the bill .... I just sat there with a confused look on my face.... I cant tell he knows that he crossed a line... he is calming down at this point..... Then he started again , and I lost it.... He said " all you do is take , you never help with anything" I said I GAVE YOU THE MONEY FOR THE BILL" He said " YEAH and it THREE TIMES what it normally is " ( NO crap, this is the first bill we have had with all 6 of us living here) so I said YES it was expensive , but I PAID IT, I GAVE YOU THE MONEY, SO WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM????? he said " YOU are my problem, and he left again.

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/23/2010 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey there,
 
I can relate to relationship struggles for sure. It's draining. I am sorry things are so up and down. It's hard to go through that when our moods are so up and down as well.
 
It's all so hard. But I've had to realize some things lately. I need to finally open up and tell my bf how our issues and our up and down pattern affects me. How it has changed my feelings in this relationship.
 
It's hard to try and really think about the big picture in a relationship like this, but I think at some point we have to. It sounds like you are experiencing some real unhappiness at times and that is not a good thing.
 
I hope you can find some answers within yourself and decide what is healthy for you and what is not.
 
We do not deserve to be yelled at for things that we shouldn't be yelled at for.
 
Hugs,
Mogs
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed for panic attacks
---temporarily off Lamictal----
Seroquel 50mg/night

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/23/2010 8:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Big picture here. Read this! http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-common-pattern-of-domestic-violence/

The cycle is the same with emotional/verbal abuse as with physical abuse.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
 
"It's never too late to become what you might have been."

SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 8/23/2010 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
 
 
I wrote him a NICE email.. ( see blue writing at bottom) then the top paragrahp is his NASTY UNCALLED for response....
 
Im packing my bags n getting myself and my kids the hell outta here. Im DONE
 
 
___________________________________________________________
 
Pad my world??  Are you kidding me?  YOU are the CAUSE of the overwhelming majority of my stress. You just do not see it.  Never had the police to my house in 45 years. Twice in the last two months. Never had kids literally destroying the house and then lying about it. I have tried my best to accomodate everything but this situation is all stress on ME. I have not had a moment to myself in two months.  You seem perfectly content with leaving the kids with me all the time and for me to handle the majority of childcare issues (which you admitted yesterday) The financials are ALL on me. The kids just do not listen. It is the accumulation of DOZENS of little things. I go to take a shower this morning.  Bathroom is a mess with kids clothes all over.  (remember how the kids were not supposed to use our bathroom??). I find a disgustingly full toilet. I mean can't the kid even flush the toilet???  I have asked him at least a dozen times. It s a WHOLE lot of little things that just add up. And you sit and watch and do nothing!  Last night:  You leave it for me to tell the kid to go to bed last night at 1230 am bc he is still playing the video game you told him to stop hours before!!!  Why is that on me?  You were right beside me.  I even asked you to and you said for me to do it!!   Why does that fall on me? You say you try and fix things?  I have never had so many things break!!  Glasses, tables, chairs, desks, games, toys, floors, lights, and on and on. It bothers me. And it bothers me that you don't do anything. You yell at jakab for running up and down the steps bc it gets on your last nerve. (mine too). You say the next time he does it he is grounded. He did it four more times in the next hour and you did nothing. That's why he does not listen.  Every single thing falls on me. Whether it be setting the rules WE agree on, enforcing the rules WE agree on or even getting the kids to bed. ALL on me!  When i get the kids to bed on nights you are not here, they are down at 930  last night you "put the girls down" but they watch a movie until after 11  and you do nothing.    They do better when you are not there.  And you tell your dr that you let me talk to jakab about calling emily fat to "make me feel comfortable about getting involved in discipline etc???  What a con job!!!  When we talked about the situation i said YOU needed to get more involved and YOU needed to talk to jakab. The truth is exactly the opposite of what you told him.   i dont want more involvement  I NEED LESS!!!!!!   You had me do it bc you would rather not have that conversation or know that you can't.  As I have said numerous times: you seem to rather NOT have anything to do with the kids for the most part whether it be playing or talking or correcting. I am doing 90% of all of that!  You leave it to me. We were both lying in the same bed and you asked me to tell jakab to get off the video games and go to bed at 1230 am!  Why?   And You try and pad my world???  That is a joke!!  That is the thing you do not understand. It is not just about the water bill.  I have said over and over again that something had to give. I told you yesterday that you need to get more involved with your kids. It was nit just about the darn water bill you were supposed to pay last week and subsequently lost.  It is many things that I have told you about that either you fail to do anything about, refuse to do anything about or can't do anything about

This particular bill was supposed to be Done by you. You told me you would take care of it and for three days nothing happened even though you were home all day until after three pm. According to you it would only take five mins and yet it was never done.  You just did not do it as you have failed to pay other bills. What really set me off is you criticising me about bills and telling me you ALWAYS pay your bills.  And you say I waited until the shutoff date.  Are you kidding???  You were supposed to pay it last week!  And  Who paid your last four or five car notes???  Your mom paid two. You stole the money from me to pay the others. I mean seriously???  You think you pay your bills??  Well maybe but with my money!  Every time you fail to do something related to financial situations it all comes back. I am in this situation bc of you!  I have gotten all kinds of calls from discover this weekend bc they want their money that YOU used to pay YOUR bills and you preach to me how you always pay your bills!!???  What should I tell them????  I have hesitated to tell them anything bc I don't want to get you in trouble but I don't have the money either!!  And your comment that I did not have to pay the bank back the debit card money is only bc they are still investigating you!!!  I keep that in reserve so you won't go to jail if they catch up with you. Just bc the bank MAY have written it off means it's ok???
  You were saying you were going to pay the water bill but never did.  It brings back the last 12 months.  How many times have you told me you were "going to pay me back" from LAST August?  How many checks bounced?  How many pay pal paymetns to me were denied?  How many pay back promises were broken. You also said you would pay the terminex bill and never did. So when you say you were going to pay something I do not believe you.  You can say the money from the debit card and discover were bc of the drugs and you don't remember but this issue goes back over a year and much longer with money issues with your family. 
  you simply have no credibility. And THAT is why I over reacted. So you can say how much this morning was an over reaction from a water bill in a vacuum but you fail to put it in context.  How can I view you as a financial partner when you stole from me and my kids college fund?  And this fictional IRS check that you were going to pay me back for last years theft?  Vanished into thin air. Gail says you cashed it  you say you never got it  its been six months  where is it?
Yes. If you look at just today I did over react. But if you put into the context of the last 18 months, not so much.  

I have stress at work too which you only make worse with texts and emails of overblown drama while I am at work despite the fact that I have asked you NOT to do this while I am at work. And you "pad my world"???  I would hate to be a person you want to upset! 

 
Sent from my iPhone


 
I have no idea what happened to you this morning.... I went to bed with the man I knew last night , and the only thought that was in my mind was I wonder when its going to blow up .I figured it would be today , that's why My reaction was not as bad this morning as it should have been ... I was expecting it. If it wasn't the water bill , it would have been something else... I have my issues ... yes.... and I am not trying to take away from that , so before you fire back with something about " my issues" just dont ... there is no need...  This particular issue has nothing to do with me .
This is an ongoing problem with you ... for years I have known you have  issues... blowing up over nothing... and taking it out on me ....  I know that YOU know what you did this morning was  out of line ( you MUST know that)
 
 
I have been very reluctant to discuss what I am about to write.... with good reason , but it has to be done ...  I want you to know that I am not attacking you , in any way . There are things that need to be said and although I feel that you will deny and most likely get even more pissed at me ... I have a feeling that a part of you will understand and realize that there is more of an issue than you are willing to admit.
 
I know I have issues...  I start by saying that because you seem to throw that up to me everytime I try to point something out that you do , like one cancels out the other.. and that's not true.  I have my own issues and I am doing all I can to correct them  . I believe I have done a good job so far. I am trying very hard.
 
I hate to just throw this out there without sugarcoating it some , but I guess there is no way to really do that.  you have issues... I believe that you are somewhat aware of them...  however I do not think that you are fully aware of how they affect you , your behavior, reactions, moods, and how it affects us in general.  I have known for a long time that you are at times on edge, and many times over the years you have snapped , without good reason...
 
I feel like you are two different people sometimes... The man i saw this morning is NOT the same man that was here yesterday ... its baffling to me ..... that the more I examine it , the more clear it becomes that you act like ME. Its scary ....  its just  worse in some ways because when *I* blow up it is a reaction to something usually ... when *YOU* blow up it is out of nowhere and I never know when its coming.
 
In the past you have told me about the aspergers and things not going right and how that affects you etc etc ....   I am trying to  understand this , and I have tried to learn as much as I can about the disorder and how to deal with it.  I dont think its full blown ... but there are traits there for sure.   Honestly ... I would say that there is something else going on as well ....  some sort of mood or personality disorder ...  im just not sure.  You cant have things like a water bill affect you this way ... im certain its exhausting for you to have to deal with things like this ... I see you running around out of control  like you were this morning and I feel bad for you , and I want to help , but I dont know what to do .
 
One thing I have read about and know all to well is the "meltdown" part ....  professionals call it "jekyll and hyde "   and I couldn't describe it any  better...  coping with stress , confusion , and frustration is an enormous challenge and leads to " flipping out" ... I understand that .. and I try to deal with it as best I can . It is NOT something new .... it is something that has been going on for years....
 
I am constantly trying to "pad the world"  for you ... when something goes wrong here , I try to fix it before you find out and have to deal with it ... its exhausting at times ... and  we are both dealing with my issues as well ....  its just exhausting.
 
I am doing all I can to control my issues... and I have done a good job so far... it is a work in progress ..
 
BUt I need you to take care of you... I am willing to help in an way I can , I am here  for you and will continue to be .   But There are issues there that need attention. 
 
I need you to see someone . I need you to do it quick .
 
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Anne_S
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 8/25/2010 10:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Best to take care of YOU and right away. You are a strong brave soul. Do let us know how things turn out.
topiramate
cyclothemia ~ histrionic personality disorder
--------------------------

"My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery - always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why? What's this passion for?" (Virginia Woolf)

SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 8/27/2010 8:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Im still here .....
 
of course I am .... I just  went off on my usual weekly "all is lost" bull ..... 
 
I talked ALOT with bf ... about everything .... we have actually made alot of progress as him talking to me and my therapist has actually helped him .. and me ... understand better.
 
I think we might make it .... it is going to be difficult , and I have made progress in some ways ... like not totally flipping out over something stupid.... I have taken a time out , and stopped myself  at times ....
 
I jsut cant get over this all or nothing ... black and white way of thinking ... I decide to leave him after he snaps at me ??? WHY? I beleive it is bc of my way of thinking .... all or nothing .... he either loves or hates me ... there is no inbetween...  als o my impulse control is non existent...
 
yesterday I redid the bay window in the living room , cleaned the entire house , went out and bought new air freshners and all kinds of yankee candles , (I think i over did it )  bc my house smells like the bath and body works store lol      re arranged the furniture , cleaned out the shed , set up the patio furniture.. then went to work .... it was a very good , productive day.  This morning I woke up and literally jumped out of bed , I didnt need coffee , whic h is nuts bc I need at least two cups before I can open my eyes...  
 
I went shoping at 7 am , the store wasnt open and that was annoying....   So I cam home and now Im feeling like Im getting depressed .... Im snapping at everything , pissed off bc the wind is blowing .... stupid things. ...   yet I want to go buy crown molding for the house , and install it myself ... before I leave for work at 3 pm today ....
 
At the moment Im very agitated... have some anxiety about my job .. kids starting school ... im feeling tired .. yet energized... I want to do things , but have less motivation today than yesterday ... and im very upset that it is 11 am and I ahve done nohting yet today....
 
sound like a mixed episode to anyone?  Im BP II I suspect , so it is never full blown ,,, its hard to tell whats going on at times ....

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/27/2010 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
It's possible. If it is, it could get very VERY ugly, very fast. Do anything you can to relax, slow down. Pull the shades and lie down. Relaxing music to drown out traffic noise or neighbor's noise. Meditate. I'm coming out of a nasty god-knows-what maybe a mixed episode. I think laying alone in the dark was the only thing that worked. I hope that with kids in school, bf will get his much-needed alone time, and you can have time to take care of yourself!
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon
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