I have no idea what happened to you this morning.... I went to bed with the man I knew last night , and the only thought that was in my mind was I wonder when its going to blow up .I figured it would be today , that's why My reaction was not as bad this morning as it should have been ... I was expecting it. If it wasn't the water bill , it would have been something else... I have my issues ... yes.... and I am not trying to take away from that , so before you fire back with something about " my issues" just dont ... there is no need... This particular issue has nothing to do with me .
This is an ongoing problem with you ... for years I have known you have issues... blowing up over nothing... and taking it out on me .... I know that YOU know what you did this morning was out of line ( you MUST know that)
I have been very reluctant to discuss what I am about to write.... with good reason , but it has to be done ... I want you to know that I am not attacking you , in any way . There are things that need to be said and although I feel that you will deny and most likely get even more pissed at me ... I have a feeling that a part of you will understand and realize that there is more of an issue than you are willing to admit.
I know I have issues... I start by saying that because you seem to throw that up to me everytime I try to point something out that you do , like one cancels out the other.. and that's not true. I have my own issues and I am doing all I can to correct them . I believe I have done a good job so far. I am trying very hard.
I hate to just throw this out there without sugarcoating it some , but I guess there is no way to really do that. you have issues... I believe that you are somewhat aware of them... however I do not think that you are fully aware of how they affect you , your behavior, reactions, moods, and how it affects us in general. I have known for a long time that you are at times on edge, and many times over the years you have snapped , without good reason...
I feel like you are two different people sometimes... The man i saw this morning is NOT the same man that was here yesterday ... its baffling to me ..... that the more I examine it , the more clear it becomes that you act like ME. Its scary .... its just worse in some ways because when *I* blow up it is a reaction to something usually ... when *YOU* blow up it is out of nowhere and I never know when its coming.
In the past you have told me about the aspergers and things not going right and how that affects you etc etc .... I am trying to understand this , and I have tried to learn as much as I can about the disorder and how to deal with it. I dont think its full blown ... but there are traits there for sure. Honestly ... I would say that there is something else going on as well .... some sort of mood or personality disorder ... im just not sure. You cant have things like a water bill affect you this way ... im certain its exhausting for you to have to deal with things like this ... I see you running around out of control like you were this morning and I feel bad for you , and I want to help , but I dont know what to do .
One thing I have read about and know all to well is the "meltdown" part .... professionals call it "jekyll and hyde " and I couldn't describe it any better... coping with stress , confusion , and frustration is an enormous challenge and leads to " flipping out" ... I understand that .. and I try to deal with it as best I can . It is NOT something new .... it is something that has been going on for years....
I am constantly trying to "pad the world" for you ... when something goes wrong here , I try to fix it before you find out and have to deal with it ... its exhausting at times ... and we are both dealing with my issues as well .... its just exhausting.
I am doing all I can to control my issues... and I have done a good job so far... it is a work in progress ..
BUt I need you to take care of you... I am willing to help in an way I can , I am here for you and will continue to be . But There are issues there that need attention.
I need you to see someone . I need you to do it quick .