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tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/28/2010 9:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Being suicidal last week got some serious thinking.  I have a serious amount of IRL and online STUFF in my life that needs to be purged!  If I don't expect someone to take care of it after me, than it isn't important enough for me to worry about it now!
 
When I'm hypomanic or manic, I start small business.  Like one every year.  I am not consistent enough to do marketing.  (It's not uncommon for me to be unable to do simple errands for months at a time!).
 
So I REALLY evaluated what make financial sense and what does not.  I'm scrapping everything except one business.  I'm even quitting the dog training that I've been doing for 10+ years.  I'm d*mn good at it, but not enough market in this area, and I'm not able to do the type of marketing required to be successful.  And no matter what I do - I would always be underpaid!
 
I deleted:
 
4 online stores
4 blogs
2 facebook pages
1 youtube
2 (paid) websites, 2 paid emails
2 web forums
3 (free) emails
 
Woot!  I feel free!  Now I have to get rid of all this junk I've been bogged down with.  In the last moth, I've finally (after 10 years) found my artistic style/media.  I'm going to get rid of all my experimental stuff - like acrylic paints, that didn't go well!
 
I am so easily overwhelmed by human interaction.  My brother, his wife and 2 kids were here.  They are laid back and the kids are well-behaved.  But I was so overwhelmed!  I started having panic attacks over the littlest things - like how much butter to melt to make garlic butter!
 
So maybe if I get rid of all this other physical and virtual stuff going on, I can deal with other things more easily?
 

Voix
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 8/29/2010 7:00 AM (GMT -7)   
sounds like a really great start! :) maybe one day you will find time to start up with the dog training again, i know you love it.
"crazy" french girl with bipolar II

red lightening
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 620
   Posted 8/29/2010 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Keeping it simple has helped me out a lot. Sometimes I stay on top of things and other times
I slip. It's a daily discipline. When I was hypo last week I cleaned everything out from under my
bed, cleaned my closet and folded all the clothes in my drawers. It felt so good to be relieved of
all the useless baggage. I've also created in many different mediums and two or three times have
purged art materials that I didn't think 'were me.' Only to re-purchase them later! Oh well...it does
help to purge because it helps me focus on what's really important and then I can prioritize and use
my energy more wisely. Good job!

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/29/2010 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   

LOL @ It's Genetic.  I could never work for him!  He's very tough on support staff.  And I'm not reliable.  There are very few days that I can interact wtih people "in person"!  When I'm having a bad day, talking to people I don't know will trigger irritability, rage, panic.  I am very isolated with the exception of internet.  However, when I am in a slighty elevated mood, I really am a "people-person" and a bit of a performer. 

The art is nice because it is a relaxing thing.  I can go to my room in the basement and chill out.  I can hear my son's footsteps, so I can hear if he got up from his nap early or something.  I can do it on days that I am too overwhelmed to get dressed or eat something.  It's predictable and routine.  (I do hope it doesn't get boring!!)

I hope that I could earn a real income equivalent to a part-time job.  I have a really hard time accepting that I can't work.  (Getting a job triggers hypomania and I lose the job as soon as it the moods ends. rolleyes )  A decent income will do a lot for my self worth and help tremendously with my suicidalness.


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/30/2010 8:27 AM (GMT -7)   

hey tortoise,

Sorry I've been so absent from everything around here.

I know you've been having a rough go; definitely worried about suicidal thoughts and cutting...I know that you know what you need to do in those situations to be safe.

I think it's very wise to cut some things out of your life now and simplify. How healing that must have felt?

Like the rest of us, you're haning in and trying to make the best decisions for yourself. I am sending hugs and patting you on the back for continuing to fight so hard. Watch those mixed states; they are just the worst.

Mogs



tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/30/2010 12:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm trying the 100 Things Challenge. You live with only 100 personal items. (Not including household items. I'm giving myself 100 things for each of my hobbies - art, rabbits (Wow, that list is getting short!)

I donated almost all of my dog training stuff today. It felt SO GOOD. I didn't relaized how bogged down I was with all that "stuff."

It's like moving out of my house - everywhere I turned I saw and unfinished project or something I should have done. It was stressful and overwhelming! Here, it's not my house, we don't intend to stay here forever, so we don't make a lot of changes. And it's well-maintained so nothing to worry about.

Getting rid of stuff is just like that. No more silent nagging from those items I bought in hypomania, from all the small businesses I started in hypomania, and then quit in the next depression leaving me feeling guilty.

It feels good. I'm just working on things now. things are not important. I'm not ready to work on a will or anything. That seems like tempting fate (or a mixed episode).

I hope all of this thinking about what I NEED will help to change my spending habits and curb hypomanic spending sprees. I'm already limited to a finite amount of money, so that helps a lot. I don't get into big financial trouble because I know it's a big risk - one that would tear my fiance and I apart. So I have to do whatever I can to prevent it from happening.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/31/2010 5:41 AM (GMT -7)   
So last night and first thing again this morning, my fiance asks me, "Do I need to worry about you getting rid of all your stuff? Like you think you won't need it anymore?"

I wasn't exactly sure how to answer. No - I am not suicidal now. No - I believe this is healthy change for me. But yes - this does have a lot to do with being suicidal.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/31/2010 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   
He must have been reading up - getting rid of things is a warning sign for suicide. I go into a lot of detail on my blog. I'm not up for typing it twice. :) Email me if you need the link.

I think the difference is the getting-rid-of-stuff-suicide-warning is getting rid of stuff you LIKE. I'm getting rid of stuff I don't particularly like or need.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/31/2010 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey tortoise,

I've noticed a change in you as well; and that is due to this episode you are in.

Along with the suicidal issues, are you feeling manic at all? I worry that you are over-doing things in some ways. Although I am wondering just how cleansing or therapeutic this has been for you?

Just hoping that all of this is healing you and not hindering you?

Hugs,
Mogs

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/31/2010 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Umm... yeah. Today I am overdoing it. I sold the dog training stuff I haven't used for years - made $200+. And it's in my paypal which is my "mad money."

My appetite is down, energy up. I'm not hypomanic yet. Definitely need the dark therapy tonight and get a lot of sleep! I hope that keeps it in check.

I do have the script for Seroquel XR. It'll knock out any manicy stuff for 2 days, even if this version makes me terribly sick. Better than being manic anyways.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon
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