Today sucked... I really hope tomorrow is better :(

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SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 8/31/2010 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I woke this morning knowing i was becoming depressed bc of the way I was so tired and felt sick and feverish when i went to bed last night. I made it through the day feeling blah... not doing much at all , and feeling worthless and disgusting for not cleaning or getting the kids organized etc .. so I forced myself to mop the floor , cook , do laundry etc ...  So I accomplished something at least.. then I spent the rest of the afternoon crying and listening to music ... ugh
 
Still havent said anything to BF... its dead silence unless he is asking about dinner...
 
It is days like today that I just dont care. I have thought all night about how he disgusts me in so many ways, and I wonder if I even love him anymore... I thought seriously about signing up again for match or some other website... Im so tired of his BS... and he is such a nerd... and a complete jerk sometimes... my ex husband was an abusive bipolar alcoholic and I was happier with him most of the time. 
 
And all these things that  Idont like about him are still there when im not depressed ( but very small) and when im in this mood they are magnified times 100..
 
I know it will go away if I hang in there.... Normally I would spout of all kinds of rude things to him , but Im keeping my mouth shut, I know I will regret it if I say something.
 
Im fixing to head to bed soon ... My kids are FINALLY in bed, earlier they came in from school and we all talking to me at the same time, excited about their new school , and I felt as if my head was spinning bc they were all talking at once , and I had to leave the room...
 
Bf jsut asked me (sarcastically)  " what time are the girls supposed to be in bed? bc they are not asleep! "  
 
 What I want to say is : They are in their beds and I am allowing them to watch a movie because *I* am their mother and *I* can allow them to watch a darn movie if *I* feel like it so shut the hell up and mind your own darn business you control freak. 
 
But I was VERY good , and just said " ill take care of it "   :) :) :)  
 
Lord help me .....

MMMNAVY
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 8/31/2010 6:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Maybe I am way off point here, but this still sounds to me like things are really out of balence and that maybe you still need to get some help sooner then the 22nd. I am truely concerned about you and the people you live with.   I hope tomorrow truely is a better day for you.
Hugs,
Navy
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 9/1/2010 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
ok im going to my new therapist today at noon. .. yes things really are bad , up and down , left and right ... and on its head. My nerves are completley shot. Im feeling better today though... still not a word between the BF and I this morning... im trying not to let that bother me ....

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 9/1/2010 7:51 AM (GMT -7)   
ok good I am so very glad! I am concerned about you.
Hugs,
navy
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 9/1/2010 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I have no idea what t o expect from this visit... never seen a therapist before.... 
 
So I tell her how I have spent all morning crying and listening to sad songs thinking of my ex husband??  or how I just want to get in my car and drive back home??  those are in my head ... and im not sure what can be done about that.... sigh
 
or should I discuss real life issues... like my ass of a BF..... and how ALOT of my problems are in reaction to HIS problems....
 
I really dont know where to start.... may ill start with that....
 
 thik im just nuts .... Last night I really was thinking of leaving BF ... never said anything bc I KNOW it will pass .... but when my brother called and said they would like to come here to visit us , and maybe go to sesame place , I perked up about staying here....
 
And this morning BF apologized to me bc he accidently turned the oven off and I had something in there cooking.. and I thought , well maybe he is a nice guy after all ...
 
The slightest thing can totally change my mind .... its just plain ridiculous, and makes me not trust my decisions.. Im so sick of it .

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 9/1/2010 9:50 AM (GMT -7)   
 
 

I am very concerned about you that I gathered up some of the things that have been concern me.  Because I want you to print this list off and take it too your therapist.  I am not making fun or judging, and I truly apologize if this comes off bad. I am just trying to help you organize your thoughts so you can get the help you need.  You have said something has been wrong for a couple of days and I can see how this is hurting you, your bf, and the children.  I hope this helps you to get along a healthier and happier path.

Hugs,

Navy

 

 

1. Fighting with bf, because of not notifying him of my change of decision regarding children’s school bags (lack of communication issue, somewhat due to job issues and now silent treatment), added to tension about the children’s wardrobe, leading to negative thinking (I have thought all night about how he disgusts me in so many ways, and I wonder if I even love him anymore... I thought seriously about signing up again for match or some other website... Im so tired of his BS... and he is such a nerd... and a complete jerk sometimes... my ex husband was an abusive bipolar alcoholic and I was happier with him most of the time. )

2. Job Stress- from current job  to dairy queen franchise

3.Feeling depressed and physically sick

4.Children stress:

1. gave most of the girls clothes to lady in need, but “How in the world I thought I could buy three kids new wardrobes in two weeks , plus all my other bills , is beyond me..... But that was my plan at the time....”

2. I am up one minute and down the next , I have lost my temper several times with my kids today .. my little boy was frustrated with his sister and yelled at her ,  grapped him by the arm and told him to get out of my house if he couldnt act any better... five minutes later I was online an he an I were looking at a new cell phone for him .  Then my daughter kept entering the wrong password on her facebook , and I jumped off the couch and ran over to the computer room and screamed at her that she was entering the wrong password, and I just started screaming I CANT TAKE THIS TODAY!!

5. I jsut went to the grocery store ( I had to force myself to do this) and almost knocked a woman down bc she just was walking to slow, I kept thinking to myself , WHY do I have to live in a world with stupid people, SLOW people

6. “I got so mad that I had to load the dishwasher that I was just grabbing dishes as fast a ss i could and putting them in and I grabbed all the silverware at once and there as a large knife in tehre almost cut my hand , and I thought well if Im stupid enough to grab the knife then I deserve to get cut.”

7. Its like my body is trying to feel bad but im so hyped up inside that it cant ( if that makes any sense) and it is very agitating!!  I ahve felt like screaming all day ... Im so annoyed at everything , and I want to tell someone off... just someone ... anyone... they I immediatley feel terrible about my thoughts.  Its not really energy thats overflowing , like it usually is ... Its just plain and simple aggravation.. agitation , and anger,  and it is up to my ears .

8. The right light took way to long to change and I felt like getting out of my car and throwing something at it until it broke, so I slammed on the gas when it changed and peeled out on two wheels. 

 

 

 


Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 9/1/2010 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I actually read your post to the therapist ( glad I took my Blackberry in)  and I do appriciate everythin you said! Thank you very much
 
the meeting went well ... I was flat the whole time , but I was honest about everything and she said I was very depressed , and that BF and I dont mesh well on alot of issues.. That I have a problem with authority ( VERY true) and beleive that I can break all the rules ( also very true) and he needs to be bound by rules and plans ( bc of the aspergers)
 
also she seems to think that I should re consider my ex husband ( LOL) or at least not get married any time soon and leave that open as a possibility one day .. I totally agree , in ONE way ... but then it seems completley nuts in another ... I cant live my life that way , and its not fair to either man ....  So I disagree with her on that one ...
 
so we made a plan ... and my main goal is impulse control ... meds to control the moods ... techniques to deal with the kids , and not taking everything so literally ... also the black and white thinking
 
AND... as I was leaving the office , my boss called me and offered me the EXACT schedule that I have been wanting at my job! it is perfect!! I am so happy about that .. it seemed to turn my day around alot! So I got the urge to cook a big dinner and went to the grocery store , so Im about to start cleaning a bit and get to cooking :)
 
IM also coming out of my depression... which feels amazing... I hate it , but I am SO thankful that my moods only last two or three days at most. I couldnt take the depression any longer than that. My whole life suffers ....

GreenTeaHero
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 181
   Posted 9/1/2010 2:24 PM (GMT -7)   
hey, that sounds like you're doing a lot better, suthernbelle...
congratulations on getting the job schedule you wanted :)

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 9/1/2010 2:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so glad things are working out. I am also so glad that you feel that your exhubby is not a good choice for you. The reason I am glad about that is you said alcoholic and abusive as primary discriptors, and him staying to the left is a good idea! No one deserves to have deal with abuse.

I will write more later, just very glad things are looking better and there is a plan in place.
Hugs,
Navy
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/1/2010 2:50 PM (GMT -7)   
I have impulse control issues as well. Lamictal helps to control it. Not sure why it works for that, but it's very obvious to me the difference between when I am on and off Lamictal.

I am beginning to recognize that when I'm snappish with my son, it is often ANXIETY, and NOT a mood swing. (who knew!) Definitely happened today. I had to go to the post office AND pharmacy AND library which was WAY more than I could handle and I had an anxiety attack when I got home.

I have Klonopin for anxiety and now I wish I had taken one when I first starting feeling anxious about going to the post office!

Maybe anxiety plays into your irritability?

I CANNOT handle any bad behavior from my son. Strict rules and disciple (and great rewards for good behavior!!!) WILL improve your kid's behavior. Being strict (but also affectionate) is necessary for my sanity and his safety. I always get compliments on his behavior - even when *I* think he is being "bad." lol

I hope you found some answers. I'm guessing with authority and impulse issues goals, plans, and schedules are hard for you. I think these are really important for dealing with bp. Of course my to-do list is constantly changing, as is my schedule. I can use these tools to manage my symptoms and prevent episodes.

Some structure will help your bf, and might be a powerful help for both of you. Without structure, your relationship seems like a ticking time bomb without much time left!
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 9/2/2010 6:46 AM (GMT -7)   
In what I have observed with people with aspergers changing their plans/routines is the equalivent of having someone punch you in the face.
I am so glad you have realized that things were out of control and got the help you needed.
I hope today is a much better day.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 9/2/2010 8:35:01 AM (GMT-6)


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/2/2010 9:32 AM (GMT -7)   
How is today going Belle?
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 9/2/2010 11:53 AM (GMT -7)   
I also would like to know how you are doing today?
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 9/5/2010 3:25 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for asking ......
 
im ok :)   my boss is screwwing me over and stuck me working double shifts all weekend... which is really taking its toll ... . I agreed to help them out and do it this weekend , then I loook at the schedule last night ... for next week ....  they have me 8am-10 pm wednesday, thurs, fri, sat, and sun of next week .  so im not happy about that. I tried to talk to me boss and his only response was " I know you have kids, but you cant see them everyday if you work here" I kept my cool ..... but wanted to punch him ....
 
 
other than being physically drained from work ... im ok :)

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/5/2010 7:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Not sure what the laws are there, but here, that is illegal! Your employer MUST give you 12 hoursin between shifts! Google or look in the government section in the front of the phone book and find out who you need to talk to.

You do not have to take this!


Stay safe!
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 200mg, Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon
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