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tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/1/2010 5:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Feel free to personalize this and give it to the less-than-understanding people in your life.  I've been bawling my eyes out for 45 minutes.  The kind a gut-wrenching grief you feel when a loved one dies.  Writing this out has calmed me.  I hope it can help you.
 
Imagine if you could never do anything right.  If you were never good enough for the one you love.  Imagine that you struggle to fight through ovewhelming anxiety - even with anti-anxiety medication - to complete the most mundane errands.  And when you tell the person that you love that you were overwhelmed and are exhausted from these simple errands, he looks at you as if you are ridiculously incompetent. 
 
Now imagine that you can't keep a job.  Sure, you can get a job, but then lose it in a week, or a month.  That you have never been able to kep a job longer than 14 months.  That there have been entire years that you have been completely unable to work - or leave the house.
 
Imagine being trapped in your unpredictable mind, never knowing when the next sadness - as intense as losing a loved one.  Or when the next rage so intense you understand how a person could kill their own child, or silent desparate desire to end it all in suicide. 
 
Imagine the physical side effects, dizziness, exhaustion, headaches, nausea, even vomiting.  Fatigue that causes you to sleep through entire days - even entire weeks.
 
Now imagine this torture interrupted by periods of euphoria.  Intense energy, the ability to move mountains, to accomplish great things.  Interrupted by heightened senses drinking in the beaty of the world.
 
Imagine being yo-yoed unpredictable between these, never knowing when you'll be able to do the simplest things.  And imagine that by experiencing such joy and euphoria, you know exactly how much emotional pain you are in.  Imagine a rush of irrational decisions with serious consequences.  Risky sex with people you hardly know, spending entire months' worth of income on items I don't really want or need while bills pile up unpaid.  Imagine energy so intense that you rarely need to sleep, and a to-do list so pressing you forget to eat for days at time.  Imagine periodically falling into eating disorders which you have not control over, often gaining or losing 10 - 15 pounds in a single week.  Imagine living life literally on the run, unable to slow down, speaking so fast others can't understand and finding yourself unable to drive remotely close to the speed limit.  Imagine yourself hallucinating - fleeting images in your periferal vision, clearly seeing people and animals that aren't there.
 
Imagine experiencing all of these symptoms at once in a torture far more physically painful than vaginal birth without pain medication. 
 
Imagine that trying numerous medications over 6 years, most making the illness worse and with debilitating side effects.  Imagine knowing that finding treatment is unlikely, and if possible, it is a temporary solution for a life-long condition with no cure.
 
Now imagine how other people would see you.  Withdrawing into sleep during pain, they see only a tremendously gifted, talented person with huge potential.  And without the ability follow-through, you are left with nothing.  Imagine hearing repeatedly if I could _________ as well as you can, I would quit my job and do that for a living.  But you can't.  Because you can't do the simplest tasks - address and mail a letter, check the balance on your bank account, or prepare a meal for weeks at a time.  Your plants die.  Your animals die because you are unable to care for yourself - much less anything or anyone else.
 
Imagine the life that other people expect you to live up to!  And your total inability to do so.  Do you receive compassion?  No.  You are called lazy, useless, a leech, a burden to the government and taxpayers that you rely on for treatment.  Imagine a stigma so severe that you are afraid to tell them you are legitimately ill.
 
Imagine that for 20 years, you've been told to "suck it up," "just do it," "quit putting on an act" and other insulting and torturous phrases from people who can never understand the hell that is your life.  I didn't choose this.   I didn't make this happen.
 
I want nothing more to be normal, to be able to work to earn income, to be able to live independently, to be able to follow-through (with anything), to be able to complete (anything).  I want to know that I am not in a relationship because of his pity, his sense of obligation, or just because the sex is good. 
 
I want the same life-span others expect to live - I want back the 10 years I am likely to lose because of this illness.  I want my health.  I want a chance at a life that has a purpose, a life that is more than waiting until I die. 

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/1/2010 8:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Besides an MRI, I've had about every blood test possible - and repeatedly. I did the taking blood sugar readings with every mood change, been tested for diabetes. My thyroid function is checked about every 6 months. I don't remember all they tested when I was in the hospital early this year. I know blood pressure is checked every 4 - 6 weeks, and liver is monitored for my medications.

My physical symptoms coincide EXACTLY with mood, so they think it is only that. Although diet is a big deal - all my symptoms, both mood and physical improve on a low-low-low carb diet. I don't get the nighttime elevated mood when I'm on a good diet.

I desparately searched for a physical cause - with 2 GP Dr's - and found nothing. :( I would love for it to be physical because a cure would be more probable!
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/2/2010 6:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Genetic. :)

I did "dark therapy" sleeping in the basement and cut back my sleep by 2 hours to lift my mood. It worked. I'm in a normal-slightly-elevated-good mood. I'm going to sit back and do something calming for an hour or so because I have been like this and had it turn into hypomania quickly.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon

Anne_S
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 9/2/2010 9:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I love the way you express yourself Totoise11. I am very similar in the way you express and feel but I do not use this forum to say very much...... You are very helpful. Keep it up. Keep in touch. Thanks!
topiramate
cyclothemia ~ histrionic personality disorder
--------------------------

"My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery - always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why? What's this passion for?" (Virginia Woolf)

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/2/2010 9:29 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm not starting Seroquel XR until Friday night. My son will be gone with his dad and grandma for 5 days. If I have a reaction like I did to regular Seroquel, I don't want him around!

We put the cable and internet on a timer to shut off at midnight. I'm going to have hime change it to 11:00. I don't want to know how to change it because I would undo it if I was hypomanic.

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 9/2/2010 12:18 PM (GMT -7)   

 

  Good luck tortise, i hope you find the peace you seek.  I too understand how awefull this desease is when it comes to stability. Or lack there of. LOL LOL LOL   I am just working on finding a little stability in my small corner of the world. Thank god when it comes to stability my dog and cats are absolute rocks i can anchor myself to. Puppy allways wants some of what i have to eat, the cats allways want attention, its that kinds of stability that i need in my life.

 

   Bill  


"If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"



"It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself." Happy Bill



Meds. Respirdal 0.5 a day, more if needed.

barcave
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 9/2/2010 3:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Tortoise....I feel you soul. I am a rapid cycler and my mind never shuts down. I also have Fibromyalgia and the pain never stops!!!!!! Right now all I see is darkness, my dealth. I to over the years have had every test known to man, they find nothing. My boyfriend whom I love so deeply told me of this site. I have read through all these threads, yours stood out and grabed me. Everything you said and so much more I go through myself. I have always tried to be the strong one...wearing a mask, until BP pulls you down into the darkness, sucking you deeper into its web until hospitalization finds you. In todays society BP is like allowing murders loose on the streets. There is no understanding.
My relationship is on the rocks right now....I keep telling him I am leaving. Where do I go? I don't know. Do I take the bags that I have packed or the gun? I have left out much detail...and yes, I am letting out some steam.
But, how will I EVER have the hopes and dreams I hold so dear? I want to work...I hate this these walls, I want to be free, I want to have a day go by that I am not dwelling on pulling the trigger. I hate the negitivity that has taken over my soul. I pray to God....take it away, or help me through it. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

Tried every med in the books...what diff does it make what I am on now? A lot!

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/2/2010 5:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Awww. Cave! (((hug)))

There's one good thing about bp. You will get out of this dark place. Maybe briefly, but you will remember why life is worth living.

You are welcome to read my blog - this post was actually right off my blog. I just really felt the need to share. http://www.pathologicallyinteresting.blogspot.com/

I've had suicidal thoughts, impulses, ideation, repetitive suicidal thoughts, and intrusive suicidal thoughts for 20 years. I'm still alive.

My fiance's gun cabinet is locked - the key is not in the house. I don't know how to use a gun and I refuse to learn - it's not safe for me. If I have enough meds to overdose I take them in and get rid of them. It's my job to stay safe, even when I DO NOT want to.

Even when I think my life has no value, I realize that my son would be ripped out of my fiance's life. I don't think I can do that to either of them.

I have a lot more to say, but the moderators would have to remove it. So go on over to my blog and have a read. Comment, follow. But definitely hang around on this forum and post. We genuinely CARE about the people here and we worry when people go missing for a while, or are showing signs of a bad episode!
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 200mg, Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon
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