Being Self-aware sucks

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Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 9/13/2010 4:59 PM (GMT -7)   
It's hard and confusing, well maybe not so confusing that's why it hurts. My therapist made the comment to me that I was suffering abandonment issues. On the surface it made sense enough. But today I was doing a little research and it struck a chord. I'm an internalizer:
problems with
*depression
?other centeredness
*care-taking & approval seeking
*LACK of BOUNDARIES
*Have difficulty saying "NO" for fear of abandonment

*Lack of sense of personal power

extreeme examples of shameless behavior include:
Sexual, Physical, Psychological and Emotional ABUSE....

I get so tired of reading up on these revelations and it's like I'm reading a darn book about my life. It just makes everything I've buried so much harder as it comes to the surface. Just giving me something new to work out or understand about myself. I'm trying to heal....but I don't know how. Nothing ever stays buried.
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.


Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD



meds: Seroquel

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/13/2010 5:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Maybe you meant shameful abuse, not shameless on your part. I buried alot of that stuff too, and it is VERY difficult to face, painful, stirs anger approaching rage. I knew, remembered, just as an adult it was so infuriating. Couldn't sleep with the anxiety. I still feel a lot of shame.
Yep, I had become a people pleaser, codependent, verbally abused woman. Its hard on your emotions to hide the childhood traumas, and after time, you'll deal with it and not use so much energy suppressing it. I've read that abused and neglected children do develop Schizophrenia and BPD later in life. It sucks. People walked all over me, I can relate to the abondonment isues.
Its good you have a therapist to help you work thru it. You didn't deserve to be treated that way and couldn't make it stop. Don't blame yourself.

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/13/2010 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   
When you dig it up, you can release it. It hurts to bring it up, but it hurts too keep it buried.

Yes, it is a miserable experience, but worth it.

"Yep, I had become a people pleaser, codependent, verbally abused woman."

Me too! Getting divorced triggered a long hypomania. With new energy, I was able to "right" all the "wrongs" and move on. I'm not longer codependent. I'm in a healthy relationship.

AND, the best part is having a civil relationship with the people that hurt me. Especially my ex-husband. But a lot of that was recognizing how awful I was to live with and apologizing. Sure he's a jerk in general. But he did the best he could under the circumstances. Was it good? Was it right? NO! But trying to see his point of view (with a lot of the men on the forum with bipolar spouses), I've released all that hurt and anger and we can move with productive conversations about parenting our son.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 200mg, Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 9/14/2010 5:23 AM (GMT -7)   
yes it does suck. but ignorance isnt allways bliss. by being self aware i was able to get my bp under control. so all the good things this last two years is due to the fact that i dealt with my issues, difficult though it may be. yes it is never fun to deal with this desease, but this desease thrives on ignorance and denile.
in the end i have too own this desease or else it will own me. and i cant allow that to happen
"If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"



"It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself." Happy Bill



Meds. Respirdal 0.5 a day, more if needed.

Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 9/14/2010 6:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm traveling down a slippery slope. I have my huaband worried, he said the last time I was like this was when I found out I was BP and started reading up on it. It sent me into overload and I was in a deep depression for a month or so. I understand that all the pain I have is buried some deeper than others. It's been fighting it's was to the surface for as long as I can remember. I tried to explain to him that it's simply identifying with and understanding the root causes of the disease. It's overwhelming and painful. Sometimes so much comes rushing forth that I can't breathe, I can't stop crying. I just can't go on ignoring my past, no matter how painful it is. All I can do is try and process in moderation. (easier said than done)
what's the use in being crazy if you have to be sane at the same time?
It hurts so much sometimes, I don't know who I am. The majority of my past/present behavior is directly linked to need to survive and cope.
Does it ever get easier? Once these connections are realized and worked thru?
Do we ever really work thru them?
I cried hard last night, trying to explain what's going on inside my head. How it feels to be around my friends and family one min and suddenly want to pull away, not be touched, talked to....it's unnerving. I want to run away and hide. But I have to hold those emotions at bay and it's such a massive struggle.
It sucks!!!!
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.


Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD



meds: Seroquel

red lightening
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 620
   Posted 9/14/2010 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
There are many support groups out there that may help. I belong to a Bipolar
support group as well as a 12 step group. We talk about things like boundaries,
dealing with our pasts, forgiveness, seeing our part, staying in today...etc. I'd be
nuts without regular attendance at these groups. There are 12 step groups for just about
everything...Adult Children of Alcoholics, Co-Dependancy, Al-Anon, Emotions-Anon
and then of course all the ones for addictions like A.A., N.A. G.A. O.A....I like group
therapy bc you can identify with others and come up with solutions instead of staying in the
problem. In fact I probably need a meeting of some sort right now bc I'm worrying about
everything!!!

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 9/14/2010 11:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, healing is real.

The only thing I can think of that you can do right NOW, is to write, scribble, draw. When you fell overwhelmed, pick up a pencil and express it. Get it off your chest. No, your family can't understand what you are experiencing.

But, you can write letters and notes to them when you are feeling well enough.

You can explain it like a cat that is purring one moment and hisses and bites the next. You are overwhelmed and overstimulated and need a break. You still love - that never changes - but you need time to decompress and regroup.
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 200mg, Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon
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