How to find your center

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keldew
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/26/2005 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Well hello everyone,
 
I guess I'd like to take a couple minutes to vent.  I am tired of having this stupid disorder.  So many medication changes, so many thoughts of hopelessness, so much frustration, somedays I just don't know how to feel. sad
 
I have Bipolar Type II-diagnosed last winter and since then I've lost two jobs, a mother to renal cell cancer and quite possibly my new home.  No one seems to want to understand what Bipolar Disorder is, they just hear mental illness and get scared, or in my experience, research the ADA (I'm in human resources)!  People in my life, including my boyfriend just don't seem to understand, they don't understand that a lot of people with Bipolar don't like to be left alone for two long or their thoughts start to wander or they don't understand that we can't help but yell and scream to express ourselves. mad
 
I live with my boyfriend, but I spend much of my time alone with my dog (a blessing, anyone who can tolerate having a pet, I highly recommend them!), his life is very complicated.  My family doesn't live close by and my friends are difficult to keep track of.  I hate being alone, my thoughts start to race and I worry about all the things I can't do anything about.  I'm not currently working and that is driving me crazy and it is all I can do somedays to get out of bed before noon. sad
 
I know I'm more than my illness, but sometimes it is just so hard and I feel like my world is failing apart.  I go to therapy and I see a psychiatrist, I take my medication, I try so hard and yet I'm filled with so much despair. confused
 
I would love nothing more than to get my "act together" but I just feel stalled out and lonely.  I hate putting the pressure on my boyfriend, but right now he's all I have.  I just want to be happy, contented and okay with where I am and I'm just having a hard time doing that.
 
Anybody have any suggestions?

Danarx
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 2/27/2005 10:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Keldew,

I have bipolar II as well. I also lost my job. I know that it is hard to get people to understand. I think the best way is through education. Especially education of those we love. Education of everyone else (i.e. employers is another difficult task that sometimes is better left alone). I guess I found that out the hard way. I think that there are a lot of resources out their to help us and our loved ones to unerstand bipolar disorder.

My mother is bipolar with psychosis since I was 13. We had not idea what mental illness was before then and soon learned. I am fortunate to have a father who has been a go getter in educating himself and getting our family through this.

I am now a pharmacist in between jobs. I lost a very important residency experience last month because I let the depression and mood swings get the best of me. And when I tried to get help I lost my job. They didn't want to deal with that.

I also was diagnosed with Lupus a little less than a year ago (that is a potentially serious autoimmune disease).

When I talked to my boyfriend now husband about mental illness and my family it was hard. The best thing I did was just to keep on it and get as many resources as I possibly could. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar II. It was hard but we learned. We still have screaming fights but they are few and far between. It takes a lot of time.

I'm sorry that you are lonely. I know that is hard. Sometimes when we are depressed we isolate ourselves. I'm glad you are getting therapy. Make sure you trust both your therapist and you psychiatrist.

Medications work differently in everyone, but my drug of choice for myself is Lamictal. It is actually really good for Bipolar II, being that it helps depression and is still a mood stabilizer. I'm also on Zoloft. When I lost my job I had been off my Lamictal for about 8 months. Now that I'm back on it I feel so much better.

It will be a trying time for you. When you educate your loved ones make sure you have as much information in front of you. Books, websites, complete information to help them understand. The website I cited in my "what is bipolar II" post is really good. It is very thourough and informative.

I hope things get better for you! And keep your head up, things will eventually turn around.
 ~ With Love ~ Dana, Pharm. D.
 
~ Diagnosed with Lupus in May of 2004 and Bipolar II in April of 2001. 
 
Disclaimer:  On any medical information I provide, please bring your concerns to your physician.  I have no financial interests in any drug or drug company.  I will try be as objective as possible.  If I am giving my opinion I will state it first. 


keldew
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 3/5/2005 9:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dana,
 
Thanks for all of your support.  I did take a look at you "What is bipolar II" link and it was very helpful.  Unfortunately it confirmed my fears of weight gain.  I know that I have dropped off my normal exercise cycle, but I've gained weight when I've hardly been eating, it's very disheartening.
 
It's thought that my maternal grandmother suffered from some form of bipolar or ODD-she was a performance pianist and it has been said that she would play for hours and hours until she would pass out, also she was very unhappy a lot of the time.  My mother seemed to suffer from post-pardem depression/psychosis-she had two children in 11 months and not a lot of support from my dad who was working 12 hours a day.  A few times she would pack all of her things in her car and threaten to leave-fortunately for us she didn't.  Later in life she was very controlling and liked to keep the "family together" and didn't respond well when my brother or I spoke about leaving the area-sadly she passed away from renal cell cancer last April.
 
My boyfriend just doesn't understand me, plus he's not very reliable. He has his own agenda most of the time and when my mood swings don't fit in he gets very frustrated and shuts down.  I like to talk and argue things out-he gets very passive-aggressive and feels sorry for himself.  My loss of my most recent job has put a huge strain on our relationship because I was the primary income in the household.  I am desperately trying to get a new job, one where my mind will be constantly occupied and challenged and just a chance to really try to seperate my personal life from my professional life.
 
I don't have a big support system.  Most of the time my family blames my boyfriend for my mood swings, my boyfriend blames my lack of a job and friends (I recently moved) and I just blame myself.  I go to therapy, I take my medicine, I try to change my behavioral reponses to stressful stimuli, but sometimes I just feel really alone.
 
Thanks again for being so understanding and thanks for the extra info.
 
Kelly

Danarx
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 3/6/2005 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kelly,
 
After reading your post I thought about a couple of things.  First you say that you are gaining weight.  I would definately provide that concern to your psychiatrist.  I said up front to mine that I would not take anything that makes you gain weight.  And we were able to work around it. 
 
Also I was talking to one of the other girls with lupus and her mother was bipolar.  She said that she came to a real understanding when she read and unquiet mind by Kay Jamison.  Kay Jamison is an extrodinary individual that you should definately familiarize yourself with. 
 
I'm not sure, but I'm getting the impression that your boyfriend is not very supportive and understanding.  I can't tell you what to do in that situation, but just don't feel trapped in a relationship. 
 
As far as you feeling lonely if you live near Indianapolis I would be your friend. smurf   Otherwise, which you probably don't, there are so many things that I think are important for you to think about.  Church's are good at forming relationships, usually towns and cities have park organizations that you can sign up for, there are usually places you can volunteer for that may help you.  I think you need to get out and meet people, especially since you just moved. 
 
I have two other books that I think are good.  I just posted this in the lupus forum as "my favorite books".  The notebood by nicholas sparks and Tuesdays with Morry by Mitch Albom.  They are really good if you feel like reading. 
 
I hope things get better for you!
 
 
 ~ With Love ~ Dana, Pharm. D.
 
~ Diagnosed with Lupus in May of 2004 and Bipolar II in April of 2001. 
 
Disclaimer:  On any medical information I provide, please bring your concerns to your physician.  I have no financial interests in any drug or drug company.  I will try be as objective as possible.  If I am giving my opinion I will state it first. 

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