Bipolar partner unmedicated

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pollypocket123
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/22/2011 12:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi , iv just joined the site and there are loads of helpful ideas here, thank you. my boyfriend is bipolar he is undiagnosed but told me early in the relationship that he was. He was very loving and caring at first and hid away when his depression hit. Slowly he let me see this and then I witnessed what appeared to be a hypomanic phase or a manic phase. He seems to rapid cycle , aggressive verbally, picking fights, putting me down, then sometimes up to euphoric and often delusional in his thinking. After experiencing the high side when we were on holiday I knew I had to educate myself so I read and read and found people on line to give me information.
He moved in with me 6 months ago, his choice completely and it's very hard. To focus this a little iv etwo questions, I want to be able to support him to get medical help, he is adamant that doctors can not understand how he feels and as he was given anti depressants years ago that did not work he thinks nothing will. He is highly intelligent and holds down a very demanding job that he is good at, he does not let himself go at all in his appearance, he works hard. He is not a man you could get to do anything he didn't want to so any angles to follow I would be glad of help. I read the other day of taking the ' you are very successful as you are but all your ambitions could be met if felt better' . I am scared as he can be so nasty, so very hurtful to me.
Second question he seems to have gone off sex completely, for 6 months. I am so lonely. He says he loves me but is not affectionate or rarely, as he is not on medication is this a usual side effect of living with bipolar. When he's high he talks more in a sexual manner but has not made advances to me. He has a big ego and I think sometimes that my success as he sees it, job etc is a turn off for him. I think he'd feel better about himself if I wasn't successful in my own right. But he says he is proud of me. Sex was never going to be a huge major part of our relationship from the start, it was good but low key, he is quite shy sexually anyway , apart from once when he was high. I have lost my confidence completely in initiating sex with him for fear of being rejected. I told him how much I missed making love with him last weekend and he just hugged me close and kissed me. Before that when I've mentioned it he has told me it's because I am over weight and it's my fault then the next day told me not to change a thing , and how much he loves me. I want to continue in this relationship there is real love there. It's mostly one sided right now but I know he is ill. Any help from those who are bipolar or who have partners who are would be so appreciated thank you :-)

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 6/22/2011 2:33 AM (GMT -6)   
oh dear pollypocket, what a dilemma hey. Why do you say it was completely his choice to move in? Obviously it was fully both of your choices. In hindsight, it may have complicated your relationship but I understand there would have been many good reasons that both of you chose to live together too. I don't quite understand why you were/are prepared to take him on when he is not prepared to manage his health. I understand love and what we are prepared to do for someone we love. Believe me - my ex boyfriend has more problems than me in relationships and I am the bipolar one. But I still love him. He accepts he has a problem, he goes to a pdoc himself and he also pays for us to go to relationship counselling to work on the issues together. We may never reunite, we may not continue as friends - but if we do, it won't be at the detriment of either of our health and wellbeing - as much as we may love each other. Anyway, that is just to give you the background that I do understand how it feels to be in love with someone and not have the relationship being workable and trying to get it there. The really sad thing, pollypocket, is it does need to be both of you that wants it, and wants it to work. If he's not prepared to work on his own health management and he's not prepared to work on his relationship; he will most likelydrag you to a place of deep despair before long; far worse than that horrible loneliness that comes from being sexually rejected by a partner - (I have also had years of experience of that with my ex-husband. It is humiliating and cruel. They will do anything to try to make you feel responsible for the own lack of libido). I was shocked and very overwhelmed at the amount of attention I got when I left my marriage. I had been told I was "too fat and ugly to *(&^ " for 10 years. I had come believe it. I don't think your situation is impossible but it does require very effective intervention and BOTH of you to work on yourselves and your relationship for it not to turn into a nightmare that you regret allowing yourself to get into in the first place. By all means love your partner, but just make sure you keep YOUR wellbeing front and centre at all times.

Bipolar is a very serious illness and it is perfectly reasonable for you to ask him to move out until he gets his health sorted.

Make no mistake: Unmanaged bipolars destroy the people who love them.

You don't deserve to be destroyed. This is not your illness - it is his illness - and it is up to him to manage it.

My advice: Draw the line on what you will and won't accept and let him know of the consequences if he crosses that line - and enforce it. Us bipolars may not be able to control our moods but we sure do control every action we take. We are fully responsible for our behaviour. We are fully capable of treating the people around us with respect - and our loved ones with love, and our intimate partners with intimacy.

Bipolar is NO excuse for bad behaviour.

I hope this helps x

Post Edited (living well) : 6/22/2011 2:57:26 AM (GMT-6)


pollypocket123
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/22/2011 6:03 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Soooo much. This is just a quick reply, but you have been very helpful, I am going to start counselling for myself in2 weeks and I am going to let my partner know that I need this. I hope he may take up my lead to do the same. I am going to ask him to consider it for the health of our relationship. I don't think it's fair for me to ask something of him I'm not prepared to do myself. I am also going to ask him if he will get more information on his illness himself so we can look at strategies to make life easier. I can not say go to the doctor and get medication it doesn't work. When he fights with me afterwards he says , we will find a way to make this work, I know he wants to, I think I will have to take the lead here. I'll keep you posted. But a big thank you, you said things I needed to here, I hope you are feeling well and things are working for you. Big thanks:-)

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 6/22/2011 9:48 AM (GMT -6)   
If he truly is bipolar and refuses to seek help/counseling or give meds a try, I doubt there is anything you can do to help.  Maybe breaking it off with him may jolt him into thinking that he really does need to find a way to control/manage his symptoms.  If he does not I can tell you, you are going down a very very rough road.
 
I take a hard line on this one because you have to ask yourself, are you willing to give up a lot of happiness in your life to spend it with someone who does not even care enough about themselves to get help or atleast make an effort? 
 
food for thought

cantgoback
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/22/2011 11:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Polly,

If he is getting high, he is already self medicating. I know this because I did it myself. One of the reasons he is unwilling to go to a pdoc is because he will have to give up on getting high to take any meds. He also probably feels that being medicated will be too expensive, or make him seem weak.

He has to realize that the only way to manage what he is going through is to seek professional medical attention. Bipolar disorder is not something one can choose to treat on their own. Anti-depressants are not really effective either - so he may distrust the pdoc and any pdoc because of the wrong dx and px previously.

He could ask his own doctor about taking Lamictal if he doesn't want to go to a pdoc.....

pollypocket123
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/22/2011 1:30 PM (GMT -6)   
When I said 'he was high' I meant high on a mood swing not not on drugs. He does drink alcohol on weekends. I think he's scared of all of it right now, he's not going to be sectioned or anything like that he is very high functioning. The collapse happens in his head he keeps the rest of his life in order etc. But thank you for your reply it's all appreciated. Tired over here now, he's home from work too tired and ready for sleep. Loving and appreciative of me tonight too, I forget about the normal times sometimes when things get bad :-) . Thank you all.

Neicee rae
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/25/2011 10:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I just want you to know you're not alone. After reading your post I realized we are in very similar relationships. I have had some other issues but for the most part I understand how you're feeling. I was depressed a couple months ago. I just felt like maybe I wasn't good enough, because he would pit me down and if I tried to touch him or be intimate he would push me away. I finally pulled myself out of the depression. I realize it's not me and guess what it's not you either. Please whatever you do take care of yourself and be strong and really do some soul searching. I mean you have a long road ahead of you. I have a baby with my boyfriend and going through what I've gone through if we didn't have a baby I would've left a long time ago. I mean I really do care about him but the abuse is sometimes unbearable.

notinhellanymore
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/5/2011 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey,
You guys are not alone.... I have been with my (ex) boyfriend for 2 years and well it has been a real rollercoaster ride. It seems like all the BP are the same, all the stories are the same. My (ex) boyfriend has anger issues, fear of abandonment, wants to be in control, blames me for everything, mood swings, double standards, disappearing and turning off his phone, picking fights for nothing, lying, i hate you dont leave me (push/pull dance). Texting with other women and whenever i confront him he will say that i am cheating or i am imaginaring things. Ooh the sex rejection (tell me about it....) i also get the blame for the lack of sex...
He knows that he has a problem (goes to the doctor, takes medication/injections), doesn't drink coffee and alcohol during the winter, but in the summer when he is manic he will drink a lot of alcohol. For the past 20 months i told him to get help or else i would leave.... but for the past 20 months i failed and everytime i begged him back....
After a double standards fight he left (he is waiting for me to say sorry and beg him back)..... I told him if he wants to come back he needs to get help....this time i am keeping my foot down... i have enough..... xoxoxoxo

Becik
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/27/2011 8:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi dear,

all I can say to you is just run, run as far as you can from him.
I know I lived with one of them for 22 years.... what a loss of time, once upon of time I though I can help him, I can make him happy, I can make his anger and aggression go away only if I just ......
Nothing works, now we have 2 children, mortgage, and no friends or family around(his mostly because he pushed them away, my stayed because of me, but never visit) and I'm financially relaying on him(while I'm building my business)and every so often he is treating to go to a different state and live me. he was never been diagnosed because he is prefect, its something wrong with me he say, but I don't fight, I don't hate absolutely every one, I have friends, I don't thread, and I'm smiling to people
Live is hell, I still love him , but I'm scare of him so are my children, he is very successful at his job and I think they are are scare of him as well, every one knows his temper so they just listen. The only thing I ever wish to him is to be in one room with other him for a very long time so he can feel what we feel. so baby run, run before you have a family with him, and...... live is to short.

regards
Becik

Bipolar and Whatnot
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2016
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/4/2016 6:07 AM (GMT -6)   
I have to say, as a bipolar man with questionable control, there isn't anything you can do but love and suffer (good times exist in there as well) if he refuses any sort of treatment. That isn't to say that medication isn't the only treatment, but it is the surefire solution to serious safety issues for both you and him.

I will also say that even the most benign medication has serious side effects that aren't directly related to external behaviour. From my own experiences, I have worked better without medication but with plenty of time for meditation and exercise. These outlets saved me for years. However, I lost the love of my life relying on these techniques because, when the stress got too bad from my engineering job, I didn't have the capability of coping with home life as well.

In the end, she left me and I fully understand that. You have to make decisions for yourself and, if you can, remind yourself that his well being relies on an understanding of the actual situation that he is in.

However, my IQ dropped 40 points in the year since that by being on the most modern drugs available over time. It's unfortunate and I personally hate the fact that I'm close to being of average intelligence these days. But I hurt people a lot less now. It also helps when a bipolar person personally chooses to not ever involve themselves in an intimate relationship. That way no one is harmed.

I know none of this is positive but I feel this is honest.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4384
   Posted 10/4/2016 9:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Bipolar and Whatnot,

Welcome to the forum :-)

This thread you posted on is from 2011. It is an old thread and the members are not active. Please note that we ask that new members kindly take the time to introduce yourself in a new thread. This is easily done. Simply click on the "New Topic" button and the program will open a box for you to post your intro. This will help members see your first post and extend a welcome to you.

I am locking this thread since it is old. Hope you will start a new thread.

Again, welcome! I hope to learn more about you.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
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