Fear of losing him

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psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 3/30/2005 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I have been bipolar (type I) as long as I can remember, about 25 years.  I finally met the man of my dreams about 12 years ago - it was love at first sight for both of us!  He has stuck by my refusal to get stabilized, (of course enjoying my mania) and making him mostly miserable, but with intermittent periods of extreme love and happiness.  I finally agreed to get stable last year and went through hell (in bed for 2 months after crash), but agreed to tough it out becuase he had finally said he couldn't stay if I didn't get on meds.
 
Bless his heart, I have bankrupted us, left for a week with a guy, had a rage disorder, irritability to the point his breathing or eating would make my skin crawl.  I can't believe he stayed.  But through all of it, I really did love him and need him.
 
After I went on meds, I slowly started becoming this other person that was buried in there all along.  Sweet, giving, caring, supportive and very loving.  I now treat him like a king, constantly remembering I have 11 years to make up for.  I love him more than life itself and we have never been happier!  He spends ALL his time with me, we are each other's best friends and it's almost like a fairy tale.  We rarely argue, I have learned to communicate calmly, he taught me that.  I am so grateful he stayed, and that he turned my life around.
 
OK, here's my problem.  I constantly worry about him dying.  I think about it numerous times every day.  I never did that before.  I seriously know that if he did, I would commit suicide.  I can't live without him, nor would I want to.
 
I know, everybody tell me to get out, get a hobby etc.  I have, but don't care to be around other people too much, so cooking is my hobby and fitness, all of which I do at home.  I'm happy that way.  But it doesn't compare to being with him.
 
Does anybody else feel this way?  How do you cope with it?  I've been in therapy - love my counselor.  She give great advice and really helps, just not in this situation.
 
Please help!!

Danarx
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 3/30/2005 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi psychnurse,

My mother is in a similar situation where without my father I'm sure she would have been institutionaliized. I worry very much about the day my father dies.

What gives me comfort is that my mother has found areas in life where she can help others. She is part of a lady's circle at church and she volunteers at a nursing home. Where she has changed so many lives. She will go play pool with this guy, named John, who's 50 yrs old and in a nursing home with parkinson's. John loves to play pool and she loves to help him. Even on their death beds she would go and read to them and made such a difference in their lives.

I think that gives her purpose and is rewarding for her. Without those two things I would worry more. It helps also that she has a very supportive family. And with lupus I am going to need her soooo much when I decide to have children.

I would say try to find a purpose for yourself. Fight the "comfort zone" that is comfortable, but yet inhibiting in many respects.

I know you love your husband more than anything. And I think it is good to think about the future and even death. It is a very natural part of life that is never mentioned. But I think that you need to come to tearms with it. I have a bood on death and dying by Elizabeth Kubler Ross (who just died actually) that I keep meaning to read. Also Tuesdays with Morrie is an awesome book that I highly recommend.

I often feel like not meeting people and going out because I it is not in my "comfort zone". But forcing myself to has changed my life.

This is a very hard topic, and very hard to give advice on. And I hope I helped, maybe just a little.

And cherish your time with your husband now. Because you have something many people only dream of, and that is a very special love.
 ~ With Love ~ Dana, Pharm. D.
 
~ Diagnosed with Lupus in May of 2004 and Bipolar II in April of 2001. 
 
Disclaimer:  On any medical information I provide, please bring your concerns to your physician.  I have no financial interests in any drug or drug company.  I will try be as objective as possible.  If I am giving my opinion I will state it first. 


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 3/30/2005 9:34 AM (GMT -7)   

Thanks, Dana for your reply.  You give good advice, that's what my counselor suggested.  I was a nurse for 12 years and was extremely dedicated to the people and loved the clinical aspect maybe even more.  I was awesome at my job, it was sort of an obsession. (I'm not trying to be conceited, please don't think that).

But the extreme stress of it caused me psychosis and landed me in the hospital one too many times and I finally had to take my pdoc's order to stop working five years ago.  It took me a few years to adjust to the fact I didn't have a career anymore and just couldn't handle the stress.  (Even on the meds, it causes major problems.)  The last few years of working, I wanted to stop working so badly, becuase it was causing such misery, but I had put us in so much debt that if I stopped, our excellent credit would be gone.  (We are now bankrupt)  I was always ragy from management (everywhere I went, I always had a problem with authority) and couldn't handle commuting. 

Anyway, back to the subject (I still do the rambling thing sometimes! LOL)!  The very thought of having to be anywhere becuase people expect me to completely freaks me out.  It's just like a job!  (Referring to volunteering).  How messed up is that?  All I want to do is stay home with my 2 dogs, do housework, cook, do errands, work out and be with my husband when he gets home.  I know it's not right, but it makes me happy and I don't have to deal with stress.  Avoiding stress is part of my pdocs instruction, and I'm fine when I'm not stressed.  I know it's probably unhealthy in other people's eyes, and I don't expect a solution, just wondered if anybody else feels this way.

 

Sorry I rambled. eyes


Danarx
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 3/30/2005 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
You are not not rambling, I understand your situation. But at the same time that stress is not healthy, being so dependent on someone to the point that you would kill yourself if that person died in not healty either.

I think that it is great that you found this forum and may be able to help people without having to be face to face. I am very active in the lupus message board and I LOVE IT. They ask me medication question ALL the time.

I know that home is a safe place, but I do think slowly getting out might be good. As far as volunteering, they don't expect you to be there. You come when you feel like it. My mom doesn't go on a schedule she just goes when she thinks about it. Or brings someone clothes from the resale shop, or bakes one of the people in the assisted living facility a dish. And they don't expect it, she just does it. As far as the church group, if one of the ladies has to go into the hospital, she will make them lasagna or something to bring over. My mother also enjoys cooking.

My mother also had to stop working as an activity aid at a nursing home from both slipped discs in her back as well as her bipolar disorder and the stress it caused her. She lost many jobs.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I think that getting out would be great. On your own time when you feel like it. I know it's hard, I used to never want to do or talk to anyone when I was yonger. But things have changed. I still find myself struggling every now and then, but the times I force myself I find that I have a good time.

I hope that things go well for you,

I'm pretty active on the forum and will be here if you need to talk
 ~ With Love ~ Dana, Pharm. D.
 
~ Diagnosed with Lupus in May of 2004 and Bipolar II in April of 2001. 
 
Disclaimer:  On any medical information I provide, please bring your concerns to your physician.  I have no financial interests in any drug or drug company.  I will try be as objective as possible.  If I am giving my opinion I will state it first. 

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