Need advice on living with BiPolar Wife?

 I've been married to my wife for almost five years.  We've known each other for six.  We met late in life.  It was well worth the wait.  I love my wife dearly.  During the early years of our marriage I did not know she suffered from depression and anxiety.  Once she told me I began to understand some of her mood swings and odd behavior (excuse my spelling, I'm a terrible speller).

First, speaking as a Bi-polar wife, I applaud you're quest to understand her behavior patterns.  Many husbands don't do that.  I guess the key is patience.  And maybe give her her own account to limit the spending sprees.  I also can get out of hand with spending. Good luck and take care. Ellie

I am so glad to hear you are so commited to your wife. I am a BP wife and my husband has been to hell and back with me.  It took me 10 years of our marriage to finally take my meds, he just reached the end of his rope.  He is an incredibly loving, supportive, patient and understanding man.  I got stable just last year after trying every stabilizer, antidepressants, Klonopin, etc.  Nothing worked and if it did, I couldn't tolerate it.  You are getting a jump on things by reading about it, the best thing you can do.

But, she is NOT stable.  It sometimes takes a long time and many medications and "cocktails" of meds to stabilize.  She needs to see a GOOD psychiatrist, not a GP or family doc.  Psychiatrists are trained MDs in the field of mental illnesss.  Regular MDs do not get that triaining in med school.  They know nothing of the disease, except it's high and low.  They are DANGEROUS.  They don't use mood stabilizers, if they do it's usually not the right dose, or combination, wrong type antidepressants, etc.  She will need CONSTANT communication/visits with her pdoc (psychiatrist) and you will need to watch her closely for signs of danger, I am sure you are aware of those by now.  I know tons about this illness, and I can't even spot the symptoms all the time.  Don't let them go, they will not just resolve themselves and each time there is an episode, it is harder and harder to get her back to stable.

 Thanks for the great feedback Ellie and Psychnurse.

RW, if she's having that much trouble sleeping and still having severe mood swings, i.e. mania (shopping compulsively, gong "off" for that long, etc. and depression, and anything more than mild mood swings, her meds are NOT working well.  Does she take an antipsychotic at night to sleep?  Like Seroquel, abilify, Risperdal, etc.  I definitely would NOT recommend Zyprexa, it causes MASSIVE weight gain andvery quickly.  There are tons of things your doc can do to make these things better, but he can't if he doesn't know how much trouble she's having.  Sleep deprivation is the worst thing - like you said it makes depression much worse, and if it goes long enough, can trigger psychosis, hallucinations, voices.

Don't worry about looking foolish, don't be shy about asking anything - sex is vital to a happy, healthy marriage and the mental/physical health of both people. As you probably know by now one of the best features of mania is a huge sex drive!!  That will lessen some with medication, but shouldn't disappear.  If she is having depression problems, that will slow it to a crawl.  It sounds like she may be.  Also, antidepressants in the SSRI family are not only not recommended for bipolar (still used in some, tho), but it can drastically reduce sex drive and/or cause inability to orgasm.  There are other kinds of meds for depression in BPs.

She definitely sounds unmanaged to me.  She may be better than she was, but she could be soooo much better than that.  It doesn't take that long for most meds to work; a couple weeks for most antidepressants, antipsychotics immediately, mood stabilizers fairly quickly as well.  Why don't you go with her to see the doc, because we don't usually know what our symptoms are, unless very depressed.  You need to tell the doc what YOU have noticed.  Make a list every day of what you observe.  I still have my husband watch for me the signs of hypomania starting, because I just think I am feeling good.  I really can't tell, since it's not full blown.  You are an integral part of her success.

 Thanks for the feedback psychnurse.

There are some studies that suggest not only is BP inherited, it can be triggered by traumatic incidents in childhood.  I believe in many cases that is true.  I wasn't an easy child to raise by any stretch.  My parents (esp. father) just beat me every time I did something wrong.  If I got paddled at school, then I got the belt (until welted for several days) by dad at home that night.  He was/is bipolar too, but will not get help.  He is extremely mean, controlling and both my parents are drunks. He is now a retired business owner and is now very rich - worked his whole life away, no vacations, no spending of money except on his hobbies, everything his way or a huge price to pay.  Now, he is sicker and sicker.  I left at 17 quit high school and got married I wanted out so badly.  Of course, that didn't work!

 Thanks for the reply psychnurse.

I feel your pain!

Hello GSAVA1,
Many times once a person becomes stable, those hurtful actions begin to diminish. I know I was a real witch when manic. Took my anxiety out on the world. When depressed I was hopeless and just didn't care about myself much less anyone else.
I don't know if your wife is on meds, I'm assuming that since she was just dx that you're probably still looking for the right combo of drugs that works for your wife. Theres alot of trial and error involved and it's difficult for her to try to adjust to the meds as well. She may very well be taking her frustration out on you.
Hang in there, once she's stable, it should get much much better.
Take Care and welcome to Healingwell
Ellie

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Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.

Hi GSAVA1,  I can completely understand where your coming from as I am in a relationship with someone who is bipolar.  It is difficult not to get your feelings hurt and still be supportive to them at the same time.  My boyfriend is stable on meds now, but when he wasn't and was actively manic I often would seek my own space to calm myself and level my feelings and head instead of elevating the situation.  Somethings said or done are damaging and can be long lasting to a relationship but you and I have to keep in mind that during these times they are not themselves.  They don't choose to be this way to have bipolar, to hear voices or see things if this is one of their symptoms.  All we can do is be as supportive as possible and try to make sure that they get the treatment that they need.

You may want to talk to your own doctor about your not eating and sleeping at night.  Perhaps you have some situational depression going on and could benefit from a low dose antidepressant which would be short term until things at home are stable again.  Just a thought.....

But in the meantime Healing Well is a great place to come for support and advice so please feel free to utilize it....we are always here.....Take care

rwsjr, I hope you are still an active member here. I just joined a minute ago after reading the full thread of your and all the others' postings on needing advice on living with a BiPolar Wife and I'm here to tell ya friend, I could've written all the exact same words myself of my wife's and my situation. We just got married this past June 19th, and prior to that we had a few tough and trying times no doubt. She informed me of everything she could ever think of regarding this disease and its realities. She many times over stressed to me to seriously consider marrying into such a scenario for life.

I did not turn a blind eye or deaf ear to anything about the disease or anything relating to it with regards to this absolutely wonderful, loving, and very beautiful woman of my life. My wife. To say I love her dearly scratches the surface of the depth my loving emotions run for her and for our union together. Now that we're married, not much has changed from before we vowed to each other in the eyes of the Lord Jesus Christ, whom serves as a very strong bond for us as a couple.

My poor honey wants so badly to just scrape all those stinkin' meds into the trash, but her devotion to getting better by finding the right balance is what drives her day in and day out. She is the strongest and most amazing woman I never could've imagined. She's more. I may get the opportunity to list all her current meds here, but I'll wait until after this Thursday's meeting to see if anything changes. She just started on Depakote, which I've taken years ago after my malignant brain tumor was removed to avoid seizures. I only had to take it for about a year. That stuff is just awful. wow. Talk about wearin' ya down to nothin'. My wife works with her hands very actively all day as her profession, so to have such an incapacitating drug in your system like that is pretty darn rough. And that's just one of the many that her pdoc has her on right now. Some time ago, her current pdoc also had her on Lithium, which was beyond miserable for her. Nausea CONSTANTLY 24/7. Gracious. This is more than any one human should ever have to endure in their life here on earth. For heaven's sake, we're not here long enough to spend it in such misery as bein' so sick. It makes me sad that anyone has to suffer in such a way.

She's been through the ringer for a very long time - most of her 41 years, and was only diagnosed PROPERLY about ten years ago. A couple of years ago or more recent than that perhaps, she was perfectly balanced and, as the term I read here, stable. She said tonight that for about the past year she's been way off center for finding the right meds. For a very long time, many years that is, she was taking Trileptol, which really worked great for her from what I gather. But her current pdoc took her off of that, thinking its effectiveness was waning. Don't get me wrong, most of the time you'd never have a clue she is having any difficulty, she's that strong with managing herself. But she warns me in the most realistic way, that if the right combination of meds isn't found soon, she's possibly going to slip into the deep dark depths of the real bad side of BP. One of our sayings to each other through our mutual profession of our love is the phrase: "no matter what." I have vowed to always stand true to that and to her through it all, thick and thin, sickness and health, no matter what. I will doubtless eternally look for ways to comfort her evermore than she is whenever she is ill. It's tough to not overdo emotions at those times too.

Interesting predicament we supporters are put in at times like this. Tonight, and most certainly not the first time I've heard this over the last three years we've known each other, but she simply wants to be left COMPLETELY ALONE. TO JUST GO AWAY FOR HOWEVER LONG - who knows.

I am very sorry to admit that I never have proposed the idea of my accompanying her to her pdocs, but just tonight she requested that I join her this Thursday afternoon to visit her pdoc with her, if for no other reason than just for someone else to really lay out the facts of BP to me as a husband to someone who has it. My doubtless and unconditional admiration for her goes without question to me, but as I read many times just in this thread alone, it is mighty tough sometimes. Something I read at the tail end here was written by our Forum Moderator, els, if I may quote: "...I often would seek my own space to calm myself and level my feelings and head instead of elevating the situation." The importance of this particular point, in my amateur opinion, is truly immeasurable.

We've all heard ideas in our lives of how to handle a heated moment, such as take a short walk, count to (whatever number at or over ten), etc. I find myself immediately responding with sarcasm and criticizing her, not extremely or aggressively mind you, I'm not like that, but nonetheless, definitely handling the situation completely incorrectly. We've recently established, with out intention of course, a state of rather constant lack of communication now for a few weeks. You want to talk about tough, (no pun intended), try to live loving every opportunity to show your limitless love to your wife, who simply lets it fall away and leaves you empty, and I mean empty. I have been a very emotional fella my whole life, having been emotionally very close to my mom all my years on this earth, and supporter of many in my days for many folks who've had their tough times too, I know how bad things can get.

Anyway, I found this forum just by typing in "living with a bi-polar wife" (without quotes) and am more happy that I did then I can really tell ya here. It was the first site I clicked on, and feel I sure have found an incredibly valuable resource for my life with my VERY VERY loving wife. Just like I read here also, when she's balanced, my goodness, does she ever radiate joy and happiness to the world around her.

A simple thank you here really does seem inadequate, but for lack of any better expressions, thank you for being here for those of us who really do completely care about our loved ones with this rotten draw of the cards called Bi-Polar.

My best wishes and blessings to all who suffer from this, both those with the disease themselves, and their respective, ever loving caretakers. I believe in you. Have faith in yourself and in yours truly, as you are with them for a reason. It is perhaps why we are here if ever you need a reason.
- C

seenee,

I just wanted to let you know that this is an old thread, and it has not been active for over a year.

I also wanted to welcome you to the HW family, I am glad you found us. I am sure you will find the support you are looking for here.

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Olivia

Yea Olivia, I knew the most recent posting was from April of last year, but addressed my post to the originator, rmjsr because, with some differences now that I re-read his posting, our situations are quite similar. That was likely the problem with reading and typing all in one sitting late at night. When writing a research paper for instance, I spend time revising and proofreading for accuracy in response to something or to initiate thought on something. But that is not the case for online forums. Just type and send.

Anyway, I hope other folks will join in on this particular topic. It's a big deal, and I am really happy to get started on the process of thoroughly understanding as much about her being affected by it as I ever can.

Thank you all again,
- C

Hey C,

Lots of people here are working on understanding their bp spouses, and many more recently. Why not start your own thread? Do you have any particular questions?

serafena

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Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

 

rwsjr,
Just ran across your post and your situation sounds exactly like mine. I I mean if I didn't know better I'd say it was mine. I could really use someone to bounce all this stuff off of that was in the same situation I was. Everyone keeps saying, including my wife that she needs someone to talk too and yesterday my Dad said " who do you have to talk to" well noboby really although my two year old is a great listener - doesn't say much but he listens great. Anyway if you'd like to take me up on my offer my user name on here is Needs Advice. Hope everything is going ok.

rwsjr,
Oh by the way my wife had the same sleep problems and after spending 8 days in the hospital they added remeron to her combo of meds and she sleeps great at this point - only been about a week though - keeping our fingers crossed.

As stated above I could have written this post....

HELP,

Where do I go Who do I talk to , How do I get my wife some help..

We have been together for just over 2 years, We now have a 1 month old son. My wife's problems go back a long way Back to when she was a child. Without going in to great details Here goes.

At a very young age my wife was molested by her father as were her and her sisters. She has been told this by her eldest sister, She (My wife) firmly denies this fact. then she met a guy at the age of 15 who she wasn't allowed to see until she was of age. At the age of 16 he said to her it's him or me get in the car, And away she went. Knowing this man for the past few years I will say he is very controlling and used her as a door mat, As do her 3 son's they learned that her or any other woman are nothing more then house keepers. She left him several times in the past 18 years and for the last time when she met me. Well her problem is still him we can be having a great week month day or evening then she will call him or her youngest son (9) will flip out and she begins to take it out on me. I mean Jeckle and Hyde night and day. in the matter of minutes. She told my mother lastnight after I packed up the baby and left our home that she was afraid of me... Yet its me who bears the brunt of her anger (My mother being an abused spouse) told her that was B.S she finally admitted that it wasn't me it was he ex husband. She will admit that she needs help then say 10 minutes later it's not me its everyone else. SHe has told me that she is lost and I believe her 100%. Last night she left my Mothers place to go home and get some rest (something we haven't had a lot of) having a pre term baby. Last week she finally asked her GP for a referral to a psychiatrist only because I told her that if she didnt get some help she was going to lose her family.

Lastnight she left here in a very good mood telling me she loved me telling me she wanted her family back, She even called me at 5 am saying she was sorry for doing this for causing this, for chasing me away. Then by 9 am it was totally different she was blaming me yelling and cursing name calling and insulting my son. Telling me she only had a baby because I wanted it. Never mind that this was her second pregnancy with me. She terminated the first, Due to the fact she cheated on me and didnt really know who's it was But that was a huge lie on her part. In December when she asked me what I wanted I said that I wanted her back. Back to before August and I wanted back what we had before October when she did what she did. She said Feb-March well she got pregnant in January. Her mother ignores her and talks crap about her. I went to bring her a coffee at 11 and she was fine. hugging and holding me crying telling me she loved me and she was sorry again.

She shows signs of Bipolar and I need her to get some help we are to be moving in together in 3 days and there is no way I can do it not knowing when she is going to flip again. I am going to call her son's physiologist tomorrow morning she told her last summer she needed help (thank god a professional saw that) Is there somewhere I can take her someone I can take her too and get her the help she needs. I want my family back I want to find the woman I fell in love with I want my sons mother... Im so alone tight now it stings.



Sorry for thread jacking just have no clue...

LH, 

Scared_Wife

I am also in Canada. and have basically been told the same thing. Hopefuly she holds to her word and me and the baby ( that is with me) are important enough to her and that will make her get the help she needs.

thank you for your encouragement and support.

Hi LivingH3ll,

Welcome to the Forum, glad to have you. I hope you find the support you're looking for here.

It sounds like you're in quite a fraught situation with your wife. The basic advice I (and many others) have given to others (like Scared_wife) in your situation is to do what you can to help your wife, but to take care of yourself and your son first, because she's so resistant to treatment. She's got a pretty hard strain of the disorder. I'm no doctor, but she sounds like she's in the extreme stages of mania (if indeed she has mania and not something more pernicious). She has lived a tough, abused life, and she sounds like she's paranoid and unpredictable right now, so... be cautious about leaving her with the children, urge her to get help, learn about and use your resources to help both her and you, and take care of yourself. I know you love your wife, but your own needs and mental health count too.

Page back through the old threads. Read the threads started by Scared_Wife, Casem and Lleaky. They're similar, but with their husbands/bfs.

Again, welcome. We're more than happy to talk about any aspect of this we can.

serafena

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Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

_{It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare}

LivingH3ll,

Thanks Everyone...


Well things are not getting any better, We now have Children's Aid Society involved. Well awaiting involvement, due to the questions my wife answered to the public health nurse who thinks my wife is in an abusive relationship. It seems that the offices set to help are not there to help but there to interfere with progress. Yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with the PHN and this morning my wife came to see the baby and called the nurse... some of things that happened were not right at all. First my wife lied about being here, said she was at a friends, Secondly if she was afraid of me would I be at her house for 8 am to take her 9 year old son to school? the Nurse didnt understand that. So after my wife got off the phone with her I called right back (from the same number) and spoke to the nurse... said listen heres the deal she is here and called from here (check the numbers) this brings up a trust issue even the nurse is now questioning the things she is saying. Like when she asked what she felt Saturday when I removed the baby from the home her reply to me was "I Didn't Give a ****" to the nurse she said I don't know. Another thing is the fact she says I'm nursing the baby (Yes I agree) Once or twice a day for 5 or 10 minutes... and only when encouraged by myself. I spoke with her son's Psychologist this morning who basically said there is nothing I can do let things run there course let others see the way she is...

Now on the other hand how can a person who has seen us once make these kinds of judgments......


My wife has admitted that she doesnt like to be questioned she feels cornered and threatened and gives the answer she feels you want her to hear. that is what is causing most of her problems right now.

or to the has he put his hands on you "Yes or No" she says "I don't know"

Now she has like i said asked her GP for a referral but thats doesn't prove anything.

{I edited out the strong language} -- serafena

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 10/31/2007 8:27:07 PM (GMT-6)

I received a phone call shortly after posting this from the Children's Aid Society. Basically they wanted to know where the baby was I guess the Nurse did call but wasn't sure on the location of the baby?? anyways they were relieved when I said he was with me and has been since Saturday, and when I asked about getting my wife the help she needed I was told to either take her to the General Hospital where there is a Mental Health crisis team there that would see her.... Problem, I can't really drag her out of the car can I point made.. the CAS worker did say that someone on the case would be contacting me tomorrow and likely paying mom a visit and if she is that out of it she would be given the choice get the help you need or the baby will only visit you and we might also look at removing your 9 year old as well..

It looks like I am finally going to get my wife back... hopefully, Another thing the worker wasn't to pleased about was the way the nurse was prying for information and not being 100% honest with me as to the things she was asking my wife about.. Another thing is there was a worker already to see us 3 weeks ago when we brought our son home she came and went with no concerns had she a trained professional had concerns regarding our relationship they would have been back, They know there is no spousal abuse happening how can a nurse who has seen us together once and talked on the phone make that determination..

I also understand that I can not fix my wife.. But I can darn sure make sure the doors that need be opened are opened for her.