questioning a 2 year relationship with my BP partner

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fear_of_dreaming
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 6/30/2005 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm writing because I have been involved with my b/f for two years now and have come to a crossroads. I guess that I'm venting a bit, and hoping to hear some advice.

I love him, no question. He is a sweet, caring, creative, funny and amazng man when he is well and he tells me that he loves me each and every day.

However, there is alot about his life and illness that, after two years, I still have trouble coming to terms with. He lives in the US and I live in Canada. We have been living long distance for all this time. We have spent holidays together. We speak every day on the phone. The plan all along has been for him to move to Canada and live with me and if things go well, eventually get married.

When we started our relationship he was passionate, attentive, warm. It was amazing and I couldnt believe I had met someone so special. Later on, I found out that he is Bipolar 1 and witnessed him go through a psychotic episode in the two year span that we have been together. He is on disability where he lives, which he would not be eligible when he got to Canada. I believe at this point that it would be up to me to support him unless he found a job. He is a talented musician, and has worked in record stores in the US. I have seen and witnessed through our phone conversations his irritability on a regular basis, which he always apologises for after. During these irritable times, I can never call him at an appropriate time, he is always busy and has no time for me. Then other times, when I dont call, he complains that I dont. He goes through periods when he doesnt want to talk much to me. He tells me strange things like I am not number one in his life, then he calls back and apologizes for that too. I email him each day, he rarely writes back anymore, although he did at first. He has several female friends who he is close to, and who are constantly giving him gifts and calling his house. It is so hard for me to separate what is bipolar and what is actually his personality because I dont see him every day, as I said, we only talk on the phone. I am starting to think that this whole thing is perhaps not a great idea. I thought I was in love with this man, but having to possibly support him indefinitely scares me.

kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 7/1/2005 9:58 AM (GMT -7)   
 I have never been in your situation, so I am not sure I can even relate except I live in the US. It sounds more like a personality problem then anything else. Although I am no docs, and do not know this person. It's hard to say because you are trying to manage a long distance relationship. That alone has it's complications. Then like you said you would be supporting him, are you willing to do that?  Can he ever work again? You have a lot to think about , I wouldn't talk marriage until you actually live closer and you can see him on a daily basis, and differentiate between Bipolar or just an attitude. Good luck to ya sweetie, I really don't know what advice to give ya!!!

fear_of_dreaming
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 7/1/2005 7:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your response Kitty. Actually I was thinking about that this afternoon, that i should suggest if he wants to move here, he could live separately if he is prepared to do that, and then we would see where it all goes.

Thanks again!!!

kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 7/2/2005 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
 Good Luck to you Fear of dreaming... Just remember it is okay to dream, just know what reality is too.

fear_of_dreaming
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 7/2/2005 1:52 PM (GMT -7)   
yes....and thank you for taking the time to give feedback, its very much appreciated.

pepperina30
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 7/9/2005 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm not bad at giving advice on relationships but I can't live it wortha crap. Try a pros and cons list. Sit down, take a piece of paper and draw a line in the middle. On one side write all the pros about the relationship. On the otherside write all the cons. If you aren't ready to endure the rollercoaster of his illness and the things that go along with it, the relationship is going to be rough and frankly a waste for the both of you. If you are bitter (and you sound it) about having to support him now, it will be a constant etch in you and the cause for a lot of fights. I also have a funny feeling you already know you have to break it off your looking for reassurance that its ok. Sounds like he has plenty of support around him, so its ok.

Pepper

fear_of_dreaming
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 7/11/2005 11:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, bitter isn't a good way to be in a relationship, and certainly not the way I would like to live. I'm generally a happy person with a lot of good things going on in my life (career, child, friends etc). I have worked hard to make these aspects of life work for myself. The ideal thing would have been for him to move here on his own, take his own apartment, and spend some time independently, to see if he liked it here before he made the big move and moved in with me. It would have also given me the chance to see him on a regular basis, so that my decision in moving in with him was better informed. But unfortunately, he isnt in a financial position to do it, and from what I can see, never will be. He really hasn't planned for that kind of a scenario, and has assumed that I will take care of him. I know this because I asked him.

I am glad you mentioned the fact that he seems to have alot of support around him, Pepper, he really does. And you are right, due to that fact, he will be fine on his own. He's a great guy, funny and warm, I really do love him, but I really have to be practical and think logically on this one.

Post Edited (fear_of_dreaming) : 7/12/2005 12:55:08 AM (GMT-6)


justkeepswimming
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 7/14/2005 2:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Fear,

You've got the double problem of a long distance/e relationship ... and being in love with someone with this kind of illness... i actually find it's not that uncommon (happened to me too once or twice)... so you're not alone.

Set yourself a time limit and if he's not showing that he's trying in real ways to make you and him work out, then you can gently and slowly start to rethink things and start to move out of the situation.

It's not your fault he's sick.. it's not your fault you're in love with someone from another country... but it does suck! and it hurts so much... i hope you're feeling better soon!

x

Just Keep Swimming.

fear_of_dreaming
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 7/14/2005 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
it hasnt been easy youre right. so often Ive told myself that some things that are difficult are the most worthwhile...Im supposed to see him next month, maybe some things can get cleared up then.

Thanks Just Keep Swimming
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