It seems like I spend alot of time alone. When I am really down, it doesn't feel good to be alone, but at the same time I wouldn't want anyone around. My daughter goes with her father to cookouts and things and I never go. Sounds like a bad mom, you really have to understand the situation first. I think when she is away, some type of something hits me.It is hard to explain, I have her all the time and when she isn'yt around I feel real empty. It's like when she is here she keeps my mind on other things.. you know like stuff to do for her and with her... Am I waking up to some deeper issue, I think i have cried at least 60% of today since she has been gone. Do I use her to mask other problems? I don't know what it is, I just wish I could make it stop. I sometimes wonder is my only purpose on life to be a mom( don't get me wrong, that is great), but I just thought I would be at some happier stage. People really are fortunate to feel what that is alot of the times, Happy! I feel empty and mad and sad. I hate this and really wish it would stop. I have never felt more scared, and lonely , sad and depressed and so up and down in my life. I wish I knew what was going on. Sorry so long, and thanks for listening. I think I feel useless and unwanted?
By the way the fireworks go off and I don't even get up to look, I just sit here. What a mess.