Someone/anyone??? Please!/ I am afraid of myself.

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stox4pat
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 214
   Posted 7/17/2005 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I am at the end of my rope. Just when i think I may be able to have a life again, its something else! How much can one person handle, I ask you. I started Entocort EC, a form of predisone for my colitis. I was so excited as it has only a couple side effects...headaches and insomia. Well, I guess that I dont have to tell you that I have them both with a vengence!!!!!I started them on Thursday a.m. and by Friday I had a violent headache (add that to myy migraines, and that is why I am losing it)! I talk to my husband this a.m. who has no understanding of a vicious headache or any other kind of pain for that matter. I was crying asking him, "Kev, I dont think I can take this pain, it is Escruciating!!!" He says  "Well Pat I guess u will have to stop the medicine." He is such a jerk, I am 2 steps away from a divorce, if I dont slit my wrists, before mad  !!!!! Guys this is the first med that has to come close to helping my colitis, I am so friggin confused confused  ! If I stop, I am right back to where I started.......10-20 diarreah attacks a day! I am a skelton, zero energy, etc. I have NO life whatsoever, cuz I am afraid to leave the house in case I have a diarreah attack!!! I really thought this was helping (which it is as far as my liquipoop attacks go, pardon my French, but there is no other way to describe SO SORRY for being gross, but it is my reality! ), but between my migraines and these "new" headaches the pain is over the top! God forbid these doctors would give me something strong for pain. I mean is it so much to ask??? Obviously!  And for my dear friends that are thinking "go to the ER", well of course you know who u r talking to. Last year I was having vicious abdominal pain from my colitis and my sis took me to the ER, well they said that i was pregnant so they would not give me anything for pain! As I laid there in pain, trying to tell the Doc that I am infertile, therefore I could not be pregnant.....he was like, "Yeah right!" (which of corse I WAS NOT PREGNANT, but hey why would they listen to me?)So, of course I demanded to see his supervisor! And she agreed that I was pregnant. Long story short, I left in the same pain I went there with. I have this thing where when doing blood tests it shows I am pregnant! I WISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I assume it is from the in vitros I did, but of course I do not know. So, I WILL NOT sit in the ER for 8 hours only to be treated like a drug addict! Please friends, pray for me. I just feel like I have nothing to live for. No children, a husband that lives 160 miles away from me, all my illnesses (see below),so lonely, I cannot even describe, no life, no friends, violent pain daily, our home trashed by the Hurricane last year, dont work (and that is torturing me), no money of my own, my neighbors treat me like crap as they think I am the biggest bi*ch in the world, and I swear I have done nothing to them they just do not understand what I have been going thru for all these years..so just write her off, I could go on and on, but I wont. Girls I am afraid of what i am capable of. If this pain doesnt go away, I have no other choice. Please dont say, "It will get better", because IT NEVER does or has. So, I think I will throw in the towel. Thank you all for being so loving. That is why I am here instead of the Crohn's/Colitis forum. And, Colleen, let me kow if u want my shoes as they have to go somewhere. I hope all of you get better and I love you all.
 
Goodbye,
Patti sad
Epilepsy (31 years) Depakote, Keppra-grand mals, Valium-myoclonic jerks
 
Colitis    (4 years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05)
 
Infertility (20 years)
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet w/Codeine
 
Depression (4ever) Effexor 150mg


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 7/17/2005 1:44 PM (GMT -7)   

Patti, try to give it a little time first.  I can't imagine how you must feel physically, but i do know how you feel mentally.  I am afraid I cannot help you with your physical problems, as they are out of the realm of internal medicine.  Steroids can make you feel euphoric at first, then when reduced or stopped cause a bad depression in some people, especially people who already suffer depression, as you do.  It will pass, that part at least.  Don't do anything drastic yet!

Do you have ANYBODY, you can call, a therapist or whoever treats you for your depression?  Better yet, your depression is what is making you the most miserable right now (that's the only thing that makes us consider suicide).  I really do suggest you get yourself not to the ER, but do a psychiatric hospital so they can stabilize you intensely.  You need help, hon. 

Why does your hubby live so far away, with you being sick and all?  Are you separated?  I know it's none of my business, but with more info, maybe some of us can come up with something to do.  You are too close to the situation and aren't thinking clearly.

Please either get to a hospital or just resist the urge to kill yourself.  You don't really want to do that, or you wouldn't have written in here.

Please let us know what is going on with you.

Shannon


stox4pat
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 214
   Posted 7/17/2005 3:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Shannon. First off, nothing is none of your biz. This forum is closest to my heart and there is NOTHING u cannot ask me. As far as my husband, here is the story: He is an Er Doc, (all the docs in his group are independent contractors, not employees of the hospital)and an assistant Director, he has 1 partner, who is the Director they are the "bosses" and 7 other ER Docs that work with them. Hence he makes doule than he could over in Ft. Laud.! We have a home in Punta Gorda, FL where he works and planned to live here until he retired. However, I HATE IT OVER there. People are either old and retired, or in the medical field as there is no businesses there as it is a small town. So, I tried to fit in, but I am not the average Doctor's wife. I am not a snob, my life doesn't revolve around Tennis. I am a friendly person, ( I hung out with the ER nurses and got so made fun of for it, but I didnt stop!) but these women (the doc's wives) talk about EVERYBODY and how big their homes are, what kind of cars they drive, etc. But, I thought this is a good place to raise children, so I stuck it out. Well after 5 years of trying and the in vitro, etc. I just wanted to be in Fort Lauderdale with my sis and my neice. So, we bot another house in Ft. Laud. (mainly because the property values are sky high ex: I bot a town house for $170m, and sold it 5 yrs later for $370m). Then last summer we (our house in Punta Gorda) were slammed by the Hurricane and we have over $250m in damage, the home is 3500 square feet, and we have 500 sf to live in! So, my husband basically sleeps at the hospital and I live over here in Ft. Laud. w/my 2 dogs. But, see Shannon that is another example of my husband, obviously money is more important than me and my health!) I cannot EVEN count the imes that I begged him to put me in a psychiatric hospital, and his answer is, "Oh Patti, just get a grip and stop it! You are just PMSing", Hello I doubt I can PMS 30days of the month! Shannon he is really a sweetheart, but I just cannot take his attitude anymore. I apoloize for rambling, I am taking your advice as trying to resist the urge. And try to keep busy so as to TRY to forget about the vicios Headache...although it is NOT working. I will let u go, and I cannot even describe how you mean to me. I will TRY my hardest to not slit my wriists, thanks toyou. Shannon, If I can ever help you...reach out!And if u want to visit ft. Laud....You and yours have an open invitation! If u have time, tell me about yourself. I cannot thank u enough for your help and BIGGEST HEART!

All my love to you and yours,
Patti....sending all the sunshine in Florida
Epilepsy (31 years) Depakote, Keppra-grand mals, Valium-myoclonic jerks
 
Colitis    (4 years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05)
 
Infertility (20 years)
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet w/Codeine
 
Depression (4ever) Effexor 150mg


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 7/17/2005 8:58 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Patti, I am glad to see your still with us!

I think that's a very unfortunate situation.  Why don't YOU put yourself in a hospital?  Why do you need his permission?  It's YOUR mental health, which at the moment isn't so hot!

I don't mean to sound bossy or mean, but you are in trouble, young lady!  Sometimes it's really the hardest thing in the world to take control of our own mental health; the nature of the illness is that we can't think straight.  But I know that you know you need immediate help, and that doesn't mean making an appointment with your GP or some family counselor!  Please go either tonight or tomorrow.  You have many other issues to deal with, (your marriage), but you cannot do that effectively unless you get some help.  If you take control of it,  and get on the proper psych meds, then when you start to feel a little better emotionally, you can work on sorting out what to do in your life to make things better.  Obviously, your marriage can't be healthy with you living away because you don't fit in with other doctors' wives!   Doesn't your marriage mean more to you than that?   I do agree that your husband could make a tad less money and compromise here, tho.  I am NOT saying it's your fault!  What I see (from what you said so far) is two stubborn people who need to come to some kind of compromise.  You need to work together.   When you are apart, the emotional closeness fades away, and you can lose sight of what is really important.  That should be each other above all else - money, social circle, whatever. 

Don't get me wrong, I have been in the company of docs and their wives for many years, and I know exactly what you are saying.  Nurses are better, aren't they LOL!  I do understand, becuase I would never fit in there, either.  Their wives are very empty and their only joy in life is spending their husbands money and celebrating the imperfections of others.  It's sad, I agree.  Being a doc's wife is hard, no matter how you slice it, but I really think given their schedules, the wife needs to be the hardest worker to keep it together.   I get the feeling that he wouldn't be agreeable to marriage counseling, so if he's not, I suggest you go.  You need some help there, too.

I believe marriage is sooooo important, especially to those of us with problems.  We need to know someone is there to love us in spite of ourselves, and we need somebody to love, to take our minds off ourselves some, too.  If there is any hope of making things better with your hubby, please try.  Make that your project and you will have much less room to focus on your problems, physical or mental.  

Well, if you didn't fall asleep or get pissed at me, thanks for listening.  Everybody who knows me knows I have this insatiable need to help other people.  I am opinionated, and sometimes I piss people off. I really need to try to learn the art of diplomacy, I'm told, haha!    But you know what?  It's only because I only comment on what I know, what I have been through.  Relationships (the love kind) are kind of my specialty.  I have had a million (unsuccessful, obviously), so I learned alot, but my marriage has taught me more than any of them.  From living in seperate bedrooms for 2 years (no sex, obviously) to getting stable and having a dream marriage with ****o quality sex, haha!  No joke.  The love was always there, I was not.  I believe it can be fixed, as long as both people want it to.  Why not call up your hubby and arrange to cook a nice dinner, no one else at home, or go to a nice hotel and get away for a couple of days to talk about what you both want, becuase I don't think you can be too happy the way things are.  Funny, I suffered IBS with major diarrhea and vomiting, was emaciated, depressed or manic, migraines, back pain, etc. my whole life. I was sick all the time.  When I got it together with the psych meds, I haven't had so much as a cold in the past 2 years.  It all went away.  It is possible, Patti.  You just have to want it enough to work your ass off to get it. 

I do care, hon, I know it's hard.  I know.  But you sound like you do have a strong spirit, you're just worn down.  It's not over, Patti.

Be strong, let us know how you are doing, OK? 

Shannon


kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 7/18/2005 10:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Patti, wow where can i start , Shannon always sums it up so clear and concise. I feel terrible for you.I too know how it feels to be in the company of doc , their wives, nurses, and other medical professionals. I always wonder when doc wives are casting judgement on others , ( more oftern than not) they have no special skill. What I mean is usually they do not have a degree or earning a a salry of their own, without their husband where would they be? Now this is not always the case, but to my knowledge and experience it is. Hey Shannon, you are right nurses are more fun to hang out with. They are more personable and do their job because they love working with people certainly it's not the pay. Compared to docs and such... Does the doc's wives realize that docs need nurses and vice versa, it's called functionalism. Sorry I could go on and on, it fumes me to the utmost to see rich wives of docs parading around as if they earned their husbands salary. Do you ever hear them say I saved someone's life today. I give credit where credit is due. Now with all that madness said, truly sorry. Does your husband accept your illnesses, or is he at least sympathetic to them? Do you all talk about them? I can understand a little more now, why you are feeling what seems to me depressed and alone. I think you said you have a sis and neice nearby, can you talk with them? With all that you have going on , can't they prescribe you something for pain management? I don't know alot about your conditions on a medical level, but I want to tell you as you have read, I have been that alone, scared and wanting to die just recently. I called my mom, maybe you can call your sis, however if you feel extremely low, go to the psych. hospital. Your husband doesn't admit you , you do. Please think clearly and rationally here, and all the people who do know and love you. Screw your neighbors , docs wives, and concentrate on Patti. In order for your marriage to work, YOU have to help yourself first. I like to be able to know and say in my heart that I tried 110% , no matter what the other person is or will be doing. You are down, but get up and think about how strong of a person you actually are! If there is anything I can do , please let me know. I will give you my personal e-mail if necessary. Stay with us , cause WE love you. Sorry so long, I too like Shannon am very opinionated. ( Shhhh, I think it has something to do with BP, or maybe hereditary lol) 
                   With love, Nickie
                    Hope you guys are okay with all the hurricanes. I have been watching!!!!

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 7/18/2005 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey, Nickie!  Funny you should say maybe it's bipolar, haha!  I think so.  Or maybe it's nurses!  Most of the ones I've met over the years are opinionated and real good at telling other people what to do, but don't often follow their own advice, me included!  Well, now I do, but it took a loooong time!

How are you today, Patti?  Please write in and let us know, since we haven't heard from you today.  We are thinking of you. :-) smurf


kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 7/19/2005 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Patti, I e-mailed you did you get it. Please with all that is going on, let me know you are okay!

                            Nickie sad


pepperina30
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 7/19/2005 11:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I lived in Florida for 26 years.  I am now in sunny CALIFORNIA!  Love it love it!  But no matter where I go I always seem to bring myself.  Come to find out most of the time it wasn't the people I was meeting I wasn't fitting in with, it was that I had crappy social skills.  With in the the first 30 min not only did I make it about me but you know all about me from birth to present.  That can really frighten a person.  And if I wasn't doing that, I was too blunt and forward they couldn't handle it.  I can't surface talk.  Worst part is it was like I was sitting outside myself shaking my head watching myself do it begging me to stop. 
 
Another reason for moving out of FL was that I was also tierd of being around people who defined themselves by materialistic things. 30% because I was jelouse as hell and the rest because I wanted them to love me even if I was poor and had a kid with no husband.  I wanted to be free of unsaid judgements and expectations. It was the best move I ever made in my life.  I actullay felt like I met myself for the first time.  Kinda cool.
 
Random acts of kindness.  Call me a nut (wait, I am, hahahaha) but I love to do crazy things for people.  I am always looking for opportunities to help.  Recently this family lost their home in a fire.  I don't have much but I have stuff in my garage that collects dust and would help them more.  Things like this.  Even when I'm down so low you could scrape me from your shoe. 
 
Hope all is well!
 
Pepper
 
 

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 7/20/2005 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
I have often thought of moving to CA; Paul has two brothers there, and lived there before, he loved it.  I know people are way more tolerant of "different" people there, but obviously we can't afford to move anywhere!
 
I am/was the exact same way socially as you!  People would really be drawn to me at first, but it would fade as they got to know my quirky and moody personality.  Especially if I would tell them I'm BP.  I didn't want to tell, but it's really hard to hide that for a long period of time.  I am also very blunt!  Funny, I was doing more reading up on BPs and creativity yesterday, lots of scientific studies and viewpoints, very interesting.   I always try to learn as much as possible.  Some interesting things, it said most BPs do have blunt personalities, they tend to sum up everything immediately, and don't usually beat around the bush.  It also said other really cool things, stuff you just don't find when you read about bipolar.  It also said that when we are interested in something, it's like a compulsion to become an expert in the field of that particular subject.  I have ALWAYS  been that way, can't get my hand on enough books to learn.  Also applies to any creative endeavor.  Oh, interestingly, it also said we are very likely to talk with synonyms, puns and rhymes unconsciously!  Wow!  I have ALWAYS done that too!  Many of us have BPD (borderline personality disorder) which is an unreasonable fear of abandonment.  we get really, really mad at someone we love if they disappoint us in any way, they are evil.  But if they are not, they are a perfect angel and we put them on pedistals.  It usually stems from a parent leaving, divorce, or some kind of physical or emotional abuse, which is common in the majority of BPs also.  I hate to admit I'm that way, even now.  It was such an interesting article.  Of course, it said (in most cases) BPs are very creative, always thinking and many of us really artsy.  Van Gogh was bipolar, among many more, including Hemingway. 
 
OK, I am rambling.  Oh, I would also give the shirt off my back to help somebody, and I don't have the money, either. 
 
Well 

stox4pat
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 214
   Posted 7/20/2005 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi friends and loved ones cool Before I go into "me" I want to start by saying to Nickie how terribly sorry I am for your loss. Lord knows how difficult it is in this world to find decent people, and then to lose him must be devastating. Always remember how much YOU mean to us yeah ! And (not to sound like a 3rd grade teacher) what have we learned from Nickie's misfortune? That being blunt (like we all are..lol) may not be so bad. If only your friend had reached out to you like we do, things may have been different. Lets just do a quick test (humor me).Shannon, Nickie, Patti and Pepper: Highly opinionated, warm souls, giving/loving hearts, perfectionists, obsessive (sure there is more but my brain is little) all these things and more equal us 4 girls! No offense intended to anyone not mentioned, I am going by those that spoke regarding the post. So, I certainly believe that all these traits are part of the illness we share. Did I mention the 4 hottest chicks since Sex and the City,(what am I saying, THEY GOT NOTHING ON US!)  tongue Now, I will try to keep this short. I am feeling a lil better, I am seeing an improvement in my colitis and that is important. I got some pain meds from my Gastro for the headaches I am getting from the meds (can u say:vicious cycle!) Shannon, you said things I did not want to hear, even tho they were true and I thank you. Nickie, I didnt receive your email, but thank you for reaching out, and understanding who I am (I SO LOVED the "screw your neighbors" remark).Pepper, I am sorry u left Florida, we could be at the beach right now and I could have another neice! Speaking of neices, my sister is on her way over w/my neice, so let me stop crying and put my "Lauren" (my neice's name) face on. She gets so sad when I am sad. Unfortunately for you ladies, I still want to talk about my BAD day, but they will be here any minit. I will be back soon. You all mean so much to me. I just ask, where are you!!!

Love and good health,

Patti scool


Epilepsy (31 years) Depakote (250mg x 5per day Keppra (300mg x 4per day, Valium-myolclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05)
 
Infertility (20 years)
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet w/Codeine
 
Depression (4ever) Effexor 150mg
 
Leg cramps/Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neuontin 300mg 1per day


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 7/20/2005 10:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Patti!  I am soooo glad to hear you're at least a little better; you sound good!   Thanks for not getting mad at me!  Not everyone appreciates my opinions and bluntness, LOL!
 
I love your psychological summation of us!  It's all true, i must say.  I think one word can sum it up well - passionate!  or intense.  People refer to me as these all the time, but most can't handle, haha!
 
Did you stop/reduce the Risperdal?
 
We were all worried about you since we didn't hear from you for a couple of days, I am very relieved to hear from you.  I had a day kinda like that (not as bad!) yesterday, I feel normal today.  Such is the life of a bipolar! yeah
 
Enjoy your family today, feel even better. smurf
 
Shannon

pepperina30
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 7/20/2005 10:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Many of us have BPD (borderline personality disorder) which is an unreasonable fear of abandonment.  we get really, really mad at someone we love if they disappoint us in any way, they are evil.  But if they are not, they are a perfect angel and we put them on pedistals.  It usually stems from a parent leaving, divorce, or some kind of physical or emotional abuse, which is common in the majority of BPs also.
 
Wowwee wow wow.  I really am just speachless.  I was reading about BPD and I ....................sigh. I can't type as fast as I am thinking.  What you said was cool.
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