Bloo's Clue's an introduction

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babybloo
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 8/20/2005 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay, try number 2.  Sorry I got really perturbed when I couldn't get this thing to post then it said I wasnt a member.  Ugghhh I am sure you know how that goes.  Maybe it was trying to tell me something.  Make it a short story not a novel.  LOL.
 
So on the day of my birth.... just kidding.  Well actually.  I was given up for adoption on the day I was born.  Started with a new family by day 3.  I think I have been carrying a feeling of abandonment since that day.  A sense of loss if you may.  By my teen years I suffered from chronic depression countered by episodes of self harm.  Believing a life of torment is what I had deserved.  Abused physically and emotionally by my adopted mother why would I think any other way.  My father knew of this and yet never really did anything about it.  To me that was worse.  I have an older brother and 3 other younger siblings.  All of whom have undergone some form of abuse throughout their childhood. 
 
It wasn't until college that I tried to come out of my shell.  I actually became friends with a range of different people.  Some good,  some bad.  I developed this egotistical nature.  Though not overwhelming just enough to allow me to excel in most of my college career and even attempt my high thrill stunts.  I believed I was somehow able to predict the future even what questions would be so I could prepare for them.  Some people even now believe I have some sort of psychic ability.  I know the truth.  In my quiet realm I studied each persons movements and faces, a change in their voice, their attitudes.  It is this that I use to make a prediction of their next action.  I met a friend, her name was Stephanie.  This was my first real friend.  We talked all the time.  about anything and everything.  We ended up taking a few classes together and would study together.  She had even gone on a spring break with me to meet my family.  We built a stronger friendship over the couple years that I knew her, before cancer took her from me.  I pulled myself away from her when she was diagnosed, created a barrier.  I didn't even see her the day she died as I had promised.  I will carry the guilt of my inactions with me every day for the rest of my life. 
 
I started to crawl back into myself.  Wouldn't even look out into the world for months.  Didn't eat and barely breathed for a long time. Made several attempts at ending it to no avail.  Not only guilt but failure forever rests itself upon my shoulders.  I moved.  Thought I could run away from everyone.  Moved to be with my favorite half of my family.  Got a job and a month or so later a apartment to call my own.  I did okay for a month or so, before everything crashed down yet again.  A guy I had been talking too online kept insisting he come from Europe to live with me.  Maybe even get married.  I tried to hide from him, but couldn't.  Then one day I agreed.  A couple months later when his temporary visa was about to expire he asked me to marry him.  I told him I couldnt.  But eventually did give in because it was nice to have someone again.  Not comparable to my friend, but close enough.  I wasn't sure if I loved him.  Now I do know I never really did.  I kept seeking help from different docs trying to find peace in my mind.  Even now I continued to get worse.  I was either in trouble or in trouble.  I made another attempt. Looking back now I never received any help from him.  He consistently used my actions against me.  One good thing did come out of our marriage.  My little man.  He is almost 3.  Smart as a whip too.
 
We are divorced now.  He doesnt pay support or insurance for our son.  He rarely sees him.  He made threats to kidnap him and take him overseas where I will never see him again.  So I had a restraining order put on him.  Now that is expired.  I live in fear everyday that he will try.  But then I also realize that it was an act against me, not an act out of love for his son.  He wasnt even there when my boy was severely ill and I was home alone with him.  He was with his new girl while we were married 18 out of 24 hours everyday.  He had convinced me I was crazy or paranoid.  That he wasnt doing anything.  But the calls kept coming.  I knew he was, but could I be losing my mind?  I saw more and more doctors who kept throwing out more and more meds.  I didn't even know who I was anymore. 
Then finally I had had enough.  My son and I left.
 
Through all of this and even the years after Steph's death.  I have never had a friend to talk too.  Then it seemed I was beginning a friendship with a coworker who happened to be my manager at work.  Only for that to come to a grinding halt when everything personal I had told her everyone else in the workplace now knows.  It was just for her own good and for gossip that she would listen to me.  I was the only one who called she never called me and never responded to emails either.  I guess it just took me a long time to figure it out. 
 
Today I struggle.  I still struggle with things of the past and even the on goings of today.  But I survive.  Though there aren't many days that I cant go but a few minutes without wanting to throw in the towel.  My work performance is good, but my attitude is horrid.  Some of which has to do with what is currently going on there.  The other is just that I have a hard time working with people who are lazy and frauds.  I try to hide my frustration I try to ignore it, but I cant.  I know I can't expect them to work at my pace but at least at half the pace would suffice.  The atmosphere is strange and my trust for anyone has diminished almost to nonexistence once again. 
 
I am considering group therapy where the doc can see me inbetween for med checks.  I like this doc she does therapy too and also suffers from bipolar disorder.  We got along fine on the intial visit, but then I lost support and insurance and couldnt see her again.  She keeps emailing me about group and scholarship assistance which I am considering but I have a hard time with people especially groups of people in general.  I usually freak out and never return saying there was something wrong with the group, not me.  But we shall see.
 
On top of all this I suffer from chronic pain, headaches, high blood pressure, low thyroid, and asthma.  Now I have started with a rash on my face that gets really bad when I am in the sun.  I have been talking about this in the Lupus forum.  I am so scared to see a doc about it because they all think I am a loon and treat me as such, literally.  Everything is related to the fibromyalgia they see.  Even though I have no trigger points. I was diagnosed with fibro the second the neurologist heard I had a history of bipolar disorder. She stopped the exam right in the middle.  I don't trust the dx any more than I trust any doctors at this point.
 
So for now that is my story.  I hope I didn't bore you.  I left out plenty as it can be harmful and hard to bear.
 
thanks,
 
bloo

babybloo
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 8/20/2005 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Unbelievably, I seemed to have forgotten something.  I have been diagnosed as bipolar 1, though lately it seems I am rapid cycling.  I also have a touch of OCD.  When just one thing no matter how simple is out of place... the world in my mind turns to chaos and I can no longer function normally.  I have had my share of anxiety and panic aswell.  I was initially diagnosed with depression until I reacted severly to antidepressants than things changed.  They actually changed to schizoaffective, but I still do not agree with that.  It all depends on the doctor I see.  I will go with the final psychotherapists decision who agrees with the bipolar diagnosis.
 
thanks again
 
bloo

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 8/20/2005 9:18 PM (GMT -7)   
You've had some hard times, for sure.  I'm sorry about your childhood abuse.   It seems to be a common thread among us, verbal/emotional/physical/sexual abuse as children.   The scientists suspect it's a trigger for BP that may somehow remain dormant for non abused children, but there is no proof, only speculation, but I think it's way more than a coincidence.   
 
Most of us also suffer many personality disorders along with being BP.  I suffer schitzoaffective disorder, avoidant and borderine personality disorders as well.  Here is a really interesting test to find out what disorders you may have, it's fun.  To me, anyway, a sucker for punishment always!
 
The psychic thing is also a common thread - I actually worked as a psychic - tarot, palmistry and psychometry (touch readings).  I was pretty good, too had many repeat clients.   It has always been of interest to me since I was a little girl.  I quit doing that right after I got stabilized; it went away.  I couldn't see/feel the things I used to and I thought it would come back, but it didn't.   Oh, well, I still have an abundance of gut instinct, the obsession of it is gone, tho,  and it's actually a relief - all that work is mentally exhausting. 
 
Don't continue to punish yourself for the way you handled Stephanie's death; that's a BIG one for anyone to deal with; much less a young person.   You distanced yourself to protect yourself from something you could not fathom.  It was your instinct.  Now you have had time to reflect, and think about what was going on, so you have learned and grown from it.  Try to forgive yourself; I will bet your friend totally understands, and isn't holding any bad feelings toward you.  You loved her and she knows.
 
You were very strong for leaving that SOB, most women in that situation just stay and keep hoping they will change, you didn't and you fought back.  Good for you!  At least you have your son out of it!
 
God, what a better doc than a fellow BP? Awesome!  I hope you  can find a way to keep seeing her. 
 
IMO, you should try to find another job.  I don't know what you do, but surely you could find one with insurance?  I had to leave jobs when they got to me like that, and they did JUST like that!  I changed about every one to one and a half years, if I didn't I would probably go postal on everyone! confused
 
I'm glad you wrote another "book" to post here!  Thanks for sharing, bloo.
 
Shannon
 

kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 8/21/2005 6:44 AM (GMT -7)   
 Thanks for sharing your story here. I would really get a second opinion on the dx of fibromyalgia. It took almost 1.5 yrs to eliminate everything else before dx my aunt with fibro. They symptoms are so closely related to other things like arthritis etc....  She no longer works and has many other complications due to the fibro. She was 35 when dx, and before that was working . A beautiful, beautiful woman, who has the lowest self esteem now. It's sad, she also has depression. Anyways, you said your restraining order expired against your ex, you know if you still feel the same way a judge wil have it re-instated. Trust me on these issues, I have had some terrible things to go threw , and have learned the laws, womens rights and am active as a domestic violence advocate for woman. I am not implying that you need to go that far, but if you need info ever about your rights and childs protection let me know. How often does he see his child? That bouncing back and forth into your childs life creates instability for your child. I am a firm believer in " kids need both parents" , great organization by the way. Unless the child is being damaged in some way. Something to think about, hope I am not over stepping my boundaries here. I am sorry to hear of your friend. I never got to say good-bye to my friend either. Different circumstances, but either way. I blamed myself for a few things also. I do not do that anymore , but everyday he is in my thoughts. I miss him so. They say time heals all wounds, well I hope there is alot of time for me... maybe that's my purpose, to heal my wounds.lol  about the job, uhhh..... I hate the fact the people seem to move at such a slow pace. Or maybe I am the energizer bunny. ( currently don't work) When I did, I managed a pool hall, and I would hire and train these people myself, because I wanted things done a certain way. Oh no.... and the time it took them to do it, was as if I was going to add more work if they got done early. This was a pool hall, not a auto shop!!! Irritating and annoying.It must be something we all share, were quick and efficient at work , it's the other morons . Okay, I have rambled enough, great to have ya.

babybloo
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 8/21/2005 8:07 AM (GMT -7)   
He sees him rarely. He will show up one day unexpected then not show for months afterward after lil one has forgotten about him and stopped asking. the cycle continues and it gets confusing to him. This is why I don't want him visiting at all. Each time he visits he threatens kidnapping him. He waits to leave until lil man cries. Which I dont understand. lil one will just say bye and give him a kiss and he keeps pushing till he makes him cry and asks him to stay... he is a very manipulative controlling man and really has no place around my son unless he can be reasonable and mature

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 8/21/2005 8:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Bloo, that is a HORRIBLE thing to do to a child!  mad mad   mad   mad It is cruel, and will mess him up in the future.  I totally agree with you, you should just cut him out of yours and your son's life.  I believe you can get full custody considering the emotional abuse he is inflicting on your son.  I am just so sorry for your little boy. 
 
So sorry if I'm overstepping here, I just couldn't leave it. 

kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 8/21/2005 8:36 AM (GMT -7)   
 Will he sign over his parental rights? He needs too if not. You need to talk to an attorney , if he doesn't pay child support or wants to be involved in a loving manner I would refuse to allow him to see your child. You have that right. He threatens kidnapping, make a complaint on him. The more you make , the les rights he will have as an unhealthy father role to that wonderful child. This infuriates me. Do not let him see the child unsupervised, as something terrible could go wrong. You need to get some legal help for the protection of your child and for the rights as a mother. My daughter is three, and no one would do that to her. No one has that right or does she deserve that. Remember to tell your ex, the child didn't ask for these things, so leave him out of it. Sincerely Nickie

Danarx
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 8/23/2005 12:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi bloo,

wow you've really had a rough time. I am so glad you found HW. we are really a good group here and I think you will find a lot of support.

I also have lupus, and the rash in the sun thing really sounds like it. Even though I don't get the rash, it's one of the classic finds. I would start by getting your ANA checked bye your primary doc and go from there. That will tell you if your body is producing antibodies against itself, indicating some sort of autoimmune disease. I'm sure that's what they are telling you in the lupus forum too.
 ~ With Love ~ Dana, Pharm. D.
 
~ Diagnosed with Lupus in May of 2004 and Bipolar II in April of 2001. 
 
Disclaimer:  On any medical information I provide, please bring your concerns to your physician.  I have no financial interests in any drug or drug company.  I will try be as objective as possible.  If I am giving my opinion I will state it first. 

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