Just hating my life the, only thing ggood about me...

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kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 8/25/2005 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
 I hate my life, I hate being so dependent upon. I hate the stupid things people do in my life. It's driving me crazy. I seriously think that people around me drive me nuts. Jason makes incredibly dumb decisions, I honestly don't fel like this is the life I should have. i feel like I always have to be a freakin mom to everyone. When i do come home, it always is the f***** same. Jason has things to do , and I do not have time to get all this crap done by myself. Everyone and everything else is more important, and to be quit honest I would rather he just not be here. I used to think when everyone said, if you were my girlfriend I wouldn't put up with you, so that means I should stay with Jason. I am just tired of being tired. My only close friend whose divorce isn't even final yet has found a new guy already, so you know how that goes. She's too busy to talk to me, and all her free time she is stuck on him. I just feel old, and tired , like I am not my age. Most people my age at least have fun, me yeah sure when I am manic it's a great time. Have you ever felt more intelligent than the company you keep? Does it even f**** matter what i think anymore. I don't want to be here, but have no other place to go right now. i wish school was done so i could support myself! mad I feel like venting . The only real thing I am good at is school and my daughter other than that, i don't want to be around anyone. I wish people could look at me and tell what I am thinking sometimes, then maybe they would grow up or shut the ***** up! Yep, that's how I feel today. Pissed at athe world and on the edge. My daughter stays at home with me all the time, before school started . I do everything with her and sometimes I wonder why she wants her dad so much. Whatever, almost like i get jealous or pissed off. Maybe it's because she gets to do whatever with him, or maybe she wants a break from me. I don't think I am in any shape to be posting . But why cry all by myself? Meds , do I need them? I apologize now for the very depressing post. I wonder if he even knows I am here sometimes. My mom says he is not the right person for me, in my heart I think I only stay because of Jaylynn. I am miserable and he doesn't even care, and yes he knows cause I tell him. S*** we don't even sleep in the same room. I guess I am just waiting to graduate, that's not fair I know, but I have told him that. I am just F****** mad

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 8/25/2005 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm SO sorry you are feeling like that, Nick, I know exactly that feeling.  Are you always unhappy with him, or are you in a very bad mood, hating the world and everybody in it and maybe exaggerating?  (I am NOT making light, believe me!)

I know how you feel, dependent and stuck.  Don't shoot me, but have you mentioned counseling for the both of you?  Cos maybe you guys can't communicate effectively.  When you tell him you're miserable and you feel like he doesn't care, what does he say?    I remember one thing you said that really stuck with me, that he knew all your meds and how many mgs of each you were taking.  That really does say something.  Sometimes guys are really immature.  What other things does he have to do that he can't help you around the house!  Unless he's at work, IMO there is nothing more important than helping out with half the chores.  You have a huge load at school, your daughter AND a household to run.  I would be in the f****** hospital.  No joke.  You need to have a real serious talk with him but WITHOUT blame and accusations.  If you're nasty, he won't listen to a word you say.  Just tell him how much it would mean if he would help with whatever is your most demanding and least favorite jobs, that your mental health really depends on it because the stress is already bad for you.    Make an agreement, sign a contract of what each of you will be responsible for.  I'm serious.  Just talking just doesn't get it, usually.

AT least it would maybe make your situation easier to handle and you wouldn't be so angry.  I know the resentment of having to do everything while a guy just works and comes home is the worst of all and can make you hate them!

I really wish I could help you more, I feel for ya kid.   Tell him you need 1 hour alone tonight to take a bath, chill, exercise whatever (solitude is  MUST!!!!)  Every day try to get at least 30 minutes.  He can watch Jaylynn for awhile!  Of course she wants to see her dad, he's all fun and you're the mom.  It's always like that, it doesn't mean she loves him more.  I'm sure it's quite the opposite! 

I have been worried about you since you started school and I was afraid this would happen.  Please call your doc, you either need higher dose of Topomax, something added to it, or something else completely.  don't let it go too far, you dont' want to be in the hospital!

 


Arenace
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 249
   Posted 8/25/2005 1:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry you are having a sucky day.
Bipolar brings new meaning to the "Little Ups And Downs Of Life!!"
 
Sandra


 


kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 8/25/2005 1:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Shannon, thanks for your reply. I have talked with Jason about this before, with no blaming. I just feel like when I get home and he is not working he should do more than lay on the couch all day, while Jaylynn watches T.V. That drives me nuts. He cuts the grass, that's it. Garbage, dishes, laundry (his mine Jaylynn's), vacuum, and every other thing. I asked him to give her a bath today for example. He did, at 2:00 in the afternoon. She should have had it this morning, to keep her on her schedule. Jason works 12 hr shifts. Example work schedule( this week), Mon. 6-6pm, tues 6-6, off wed. and thursday, works the weekend, he next week off mon tues, works wed thur, off the weekend. He has alot of free time and doesn't do anything at the house. You can tell if Jason is going somewhere for the evening when he becomes in a good mood, he talks. He plays softball 2 x awwek, it's all night event. If his game is at 8, he leaves at 7 and you won't see him for the rest of the night , unless he works the next day , he might come home around 12:00am. He has a garage that needs cleaned , 2 vehicles not running, he should be working on them. But instead he works on sheds for his dad, or helps his brothers. Hello, there's s*** here to be done. He has no motivation and his priorities are not straight. I told him not to long ago, that i am leaving him after school. We are like roomates. I told him that because he came home from the bar one night, and the next morning I went to do laundry and there was make-up on his shirt. I dunno where it came from he said. It was powder or foundation. Earlier this year, on his camera phone he took picturess and videotaped girls dancing, and all you seen was boobs and a**. I confronted him, he said I justcan't get that drunk. Well this is why I refuse to sleep with him. His parents think I am the problem, they don't know the half of it. Remember we split up when Jaylynn was born , because he was with another girl. He doesn't admit it or deny it. I know what he did, and I was pregnant. I just know people will think I used him, and whatever, but I really have told him I was leaving after school. My parents are building a house right now, to retire their. My nan, is too dependent for me to live there, and nothing for Jaylynn to do their. I can't get into a low income apartment, because you have to be working, when the h*** would I fit that in. Shannon, I am just angry . When i ask or talk to Jason, he usually says nothing. i wish my mom was on here to back me up with that, because normally people are like he says nothing. YEP. His mom pressures me to put Jaylynn into dance or something, I don't have time to take her and pick her up. The only reason she wants that is because her other grand-daughteer does it. Jaylynn like outdoor stuff, soccer t-ball.... I was gonna wait till next year until my school load lightened. I feel alone, and sad because I really don't have anyone to talk to. Jason loves his friend, bowling , golf, and softball better than anything. Try explaining to my daughter, when she asks, when is daddy coming home? This is the story of my life,and I just try to be patient. you know when I do go out, people are always asking for my number and wanting to talk to me. I don't know what Jason's problem is, I wish i could send a freakin pic, so you would see that I am not ugly. My mom says men don't cheat because there g/f or wife is ugly, they have the problem. I think this is why I am so insecure about my weight, cause when we got together I was so pretty and thin. I think he expected me to stay that way. But that is easier said than done. And about counseling, S*** , he can't even talk about little things, you think he would open up to a counselor. I have asked.No response. He jsut says, there's nothing to talk about, or I don't know>>>>> i hate i don't know. Anyways, I have rambled enough.Thanks for commenting. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do, but me. But right now that really isn't an option. I just cry about it. Cause I feel like I have failed my daughter, 27 no job, schooling not done yet. And a failed relationship.I just feel like a big loser. when you walk in the door , and you don't even get a hi, how was school. You just feel unwelcome. Thank god, Jaylynn runs when she sees me, saying mommy , mommy, with a great big smile. When i hear peole talk at school and they are younger , i wish I could turn back the time. I was always in a relationship, never time to grow. Again thanks for listening, LONG and BORING...... sad

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 8/25/2005 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   

I would be PISSED at a guy who doesn't do s*** aroudn the house, but has plenty of time for all his sports, hobbies and buddies.  That is one thing I won't tolerate.  You're right, it's all about priorities.  He has a family for god sake.   That means a little more than just working.   I also understand guys that just won't talk, it's hopeless.  You have a little over a year right?  If you think about it, that's really NOT a long time.  It will fly by, esp since you're so busy, then you can work on getting out on your own.  I think he DOES owe you the support through school.  At least you didn't get married.   You are stuck for now, true, but it's not forever.  Look on the bright side, you have a good place to live.  You're not stuck in some govornment housing piece of s*** apartment wtih the dregs of society. (Not that all people who get assistance are that, but there are a lot).  You have plenty of money, and you're getting a good education.  You will be more than able to take care of you  and Jaylynn when you graduate. 

As for feeing bad about being a late bloomer, ha!  I had crappy receptionist jobs (all I was qualifed for) that I DESPISED and sucked at, always getting fired until I was 26 yrs old.  I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I SURE wasn't ready to be responsible.  I ended up having to work full time and go to school every weeknight night directly after work at 5:30 p.m. until 10:30 and then 30 minutes drive home.  I lived alone and was making $8 an hour with a car payment, too.  I barely had enough to eat.   I was soooo tired.  I wish I wouldn't have wasted my one opportunity when I was 18 and went to college, I was living with my parents (total f****** nightmare) and they were paying for school, but I spent all my time in the student lounge playing cards and pool, and  partying, so one semester of that, and it was over, they pulled the plug.  I just wasn't ready by a longshot.

The point is, it doesn't matter WHEN you get it together, it's that you DO.  You should be so PROUD of yourself!  You make excellent grades, you're responsible and are also taking care of a child to boot.  That's awesome, esp the fact that you have a major illness to take care of too, not to mention your diabetes.  Seems that life is oh so hard for most of us, but we survive and excel.   I promise you will look back on this and be so proud of what you accomplished.  It's hard now, but you will get the payoff you deserve and Jaylynn will benefit, too.

Try to put all this in perspective, hon, I know it seems like hell right now, but it's all worth it in the end.

 

 


kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 8/25/2005 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   

 Gosh Shannon, I wish you were around more often. I mean like close to me or vice versa. I have friends here well maybe I don't , cause when i am down they never call. Anyways, you have such kind words. I am trying to put this all in perspective and what  will be best for my health and Jaylynn's future. I want to thank you, because I cried reading that, well not thanking you for crying but.... oh you know what I mean. I just don't want people to look at me and say I used Jason. Because I am not, he jsut isn't trying. i think he feels like it is too much like work, and since nothing is bothering him, then i should be ok. I know what his parents will think, and I almost feel obligated to owe him something. But hey, maybe I will just not make him pay child support for like a year after I graduate. Do you think that would make a difference? I am jsut confused Shannon. I thank you sincerely , and I know when this is all said and done someone greater than me has something in store for me. i truly believe I am a great person and deserve more than what I am receiving. Nickie

P.S. if I lived close to you Paul might not like me. lol I would be like Shannon can I come over to talk, and Paul would eb like again.HA HA  Thanks for cheering me up a little. Oh also, this open glove technique, is hard to do. Without making the glove unsterile. By the rolling it does when you are putting them on. Good thing we don't have to do this alot. AHHHHHHHHHH.... can't seem to get the dumb things on without them rolling. I know practice makes perfect. tongue


Arenace
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 249
   Posted 8/25/2005 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Nickie, would you mind if I put in my 2 cents worth here?
Bipolar brings new meaning to the "Little Ups And Downs Of Life!!"
 
Sandra


 


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 8/25/2005 3:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Wouldn't it be great if we all lived close by?   Paul hates no one and he likes anyone that is good for me, besides you would crack him up! tongue

about the no child support thing; WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!  confused Of course he should pay child support until she is 18!   She isn't just your responsibilty, he's half the equasion.  Geez.  Don't feel guilty, love.  If he wasn't her father and you were in this situation, it might be different, but he took on the responsibility when you two had Jaylynn; it's for life.

about the glove thing; I only assisted in some minor office surgeries, and it was so infrequent, I never did get the whole sterile field thing down, I always dreaded it.  Luckily, I worked for a doc who didn't mind doing his own, except I did put his gloves on, I don't remember them rolling, they were just folded once and he didn't want them halfway up his arm, lol!  I always hated surgeries. 


kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 8/25/2005 5:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Ahhhh I see about the sterile field, that's what i love. I mean like when you put the glove on, it shouldn't roll up onto your skin causing it to be unsterile. It's freakin hard. Anyways, I only meant like 1 yr. of not paying, kinda like I owe him that for living here. I just feel bad, and don't want anyone to think this was like a plan. The plan was for us to work out our problems. unfortunately, I don't se that happening. I would love to make Paul laugh. it comes natural to me. i think i have a great humor about me. Sandra of course you can put 100 cents in if you want to. Never ask, just tell . Thanks again Shannon, i feel better. I am studying , it actually calms me.

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 8/25/2005 5:36 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm glad you're feeling better, whatever works!  You DO have an awesome sense of humour!  You crack us all up.  You even crack me up when you're mad. (Not today, tho, it's different). 

about one year off child support?  NO.  That's what I was talking about.  You didn't "plan" this, you're not devious!  It just worked out that way.  You are living as a married couple, and this is exactly how it would be if you were legally married.  It happens, do NOT blame yourself.

Let us know how you do tomorrow.  I bet everything will look better if you get a very good (long) night's sleep! yeah   

 

 


Arenace
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 249
   Posted 8/26/2005 6:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Okay Nick, Here are my 2 cents worth. Bear with me please, though I am having a much better day, the ole` brains are still in the chicken coop and not where they should be!! And without saying but to be careful I will anyway this is all IMO and I back each of my words with experience. I have children and 2 of them are BP I have 2 that are very successful and one that Shannon can tell you is still in the denial part of the disease. So:

Number one priority is Jaylynn both for you and for Jason, no getting around that. You guys made her and it is your responsibility to give her the best and fullest life that you possibly can. But see that doesn't mean new train sets and christian dior. That means best parents that you can possibly give her. And Nickie girl from where I'm standing you are doing just that. What better gift to give a child than the lesson that whatever the age you can better yourself. You can still dream for more. You can achive, whatever the obstcle. But an aside here, and just a bit of advice from an old woman, don't make Jason the bad guy here, Jaylynn will know it soon enough, kids are smart, and pretty darn resilient too. And remember, if it doesn't get done, it doesn't. If you can't walk in to the garage, don't go in there. Lock the door so Jaylynn can't go in there either. Now's the time to start teaching Jaylynn to cook if Jason is not around, but she can help you make hot dogs, or grilled cheese, or? Bet you could study while she bathes and you instruct her not to miss behind her ears, won't she feel so very grown up? Kids don't really care what there bedtime stories are about, they care about the inflection in your voice, read your texts to her, this will teach her to take an interest in your schooling and you some extra study time. Let her "help" you with you chores. This will allow you quality time with her and more time to do the things we BP's just don't seem to let go. As for those non-running cars, if they aren't ones that you drive who gives a s*** let them pile up 10 deep. You take care of you and the nest and if the rest goes to s*** that's on Jason. I know this decision is a tough one, but it does work. And I do promise it won't be long before Jaylynn and the respective parents see which partner is not doing their job. You are making this way to hard on yourself. Make this situation work for you not against you. While anything I have said really is IMO trust that I do have a whole s***load of experience in this very thing. I did find the solution and will help in anyway that I can. You are welcome to email me anytime that you want to.

As for the childsupport thing please read statement number one and pull your head out of you a**!!!

I love you,
Bipolar brings new meaning to the "Little Ups And Downs Of Life!!"
 
Sandra


 


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 8/26/2005 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Such wise words never spoken, Sandra!  I don't have kids, so I have NO experience in that area, wish I could help more, but I'm glad you're here to share your wisdom! yeah

kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 8/26/2005 8:06 AM (GMT -7)   

Thanks again to all, I don't make Jason the bad person, he does a good job on his own. I think you have great advice, and some I already do. I want to tell eeveryone this: I TRY TO NEVER SPEAK A BAD WORD about JASON IN FRONTOF JAYLYNN. However sometimes she is closer than I anticipated. I know in the long run , she will come to her own understanding of what we are like as parents, I hope no matter whatshe will always respect the decisions I will make. I know she does respect people, so hopefully in the end she will benefit from all the decisions Jason and I make as parents. ( Mine will just be wiser).lol about Jaylynn cleaning , yeah she helps( i redo it when she's not around, I am real particlar) , as much as a 3 yr. old should. I let her clean mirrors and windows. She helps me sweep the floor in the kitchen.She always packs her own lunch , ith the choices I give her, same as what she will be wearing. I give her 2 choices, and she picks. Otherwise she would be dressing real weird. lol i know Sandra, I can't change a person, only they change thmselves, I guess i wonder why people make the decisions they make, LIKE I don't get it. Whatever, i shouldn't care, but it frustrates me. I am so the oppposite and can't grasp this. Like we talked about before on here, about jobs. And how we usually give 150% and the other employees only give 40%, or do as much as they are asked and it takes them all day. Why should one person do all the work, while the other acts like they cannot , it's so hard. ???? Anywasy, your right I worry to much and try to do it all, but like I said I like things done accordingly, basically my way. It's perfection, I am not but try to perfect all I do. Make sense? I think it's a BP thing, well i have noticed in other BP's. My mom laughed at me when I told her I had too much other stuff to worry about tha if Jason is cheating on me, she shook her head and laughed, and said other stuff? Like schol, Jaylynn important stuff. She goes yeah, that's the Nickie i know. I have endured alot thus far, and right now men , really can't phase me . It' s all rather a shame, because I really could make someone else happy, but I am tired of playing that role. I want to be happy. ME! :-) So with all that said, I thank you all for the great advice. If you want to know one thing about me, is that I can make it through a mountain, I just sometimes don't like the road.I hope all is well today, and I will be too. Enough about Jason and Jaylynn. I usually don't talk much about my personal life, so thanks for listening. From now on , I will concentrate on positive things, well unless i cycle again in like 5minutes.ha ha. I am nuts!  

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