I'm SO sorry you are feeling like that, Nick, I know exactly that feeling. Are you always unhappy with him, or are you in a very bad mood, hating the world and everybody in it and maybe exaggerating? (I am NOT making light, believe me!)
I know how you feel, dependent and stuck. Don't shoot me, but have you mentioned counseling for the both of you? Cos maybe you guys can't communicate effectively. When you tell him you're miserable and you feel like he doesn't care, what does he say? I remember one thing you said that really stuck with me, that he knew all your meds and how many mgs of each you were taking. That really does say something. Sometimes guys are really immature. What other things does he have to do that he can't help you around the house! Unless he's at work, IMO there is nothing more important than helping out with half the chores. You have a huge load at school, your daughter AND a household to run. I would be in the f****** hospital. No joke. You need to have a real serious talk with him but WITHOUT blame and accusations. If you're nasty, he won't listen to a word you say. Just tell him how much it would mean if he would help with whatever is your most demanding and least favorite jobs, that your mental health really depends on it because the stress is already bad for you. Make an agreement, sign a contract of what each of you will be responsible for. I'm serious. Just talking just doesn't get it, usually.
AT least it would maybe make your situation easier to handle and you wouldn't be so angry. I know the resentment of having to do everything while a guy just works and comes home is the worst of all and can make you hate them!
I really wish I could help you more, I feel for ya kid. Tell him you need 1 hour alone tonight to take a bath, chill, exercise whatever (solitude is MUST!!!!) Every day try to get at least 30 minutes. He can watch Jaylynn for awhile! Of course she wants to see her dad, he's all fun and you're the mom. It's always like that, it doesn't mean she loves him more. I'm sure it's quite the opposite!
I have been worried about you since you started school and I was afraid this would happen. Please call your doc, you either need higher dose of Topomax, something added to it, or something else completely. don't let it go too far, you dont' want to be in the hospital!
I would be PISSED at a guy who doesn't do s*** aroudn the house, but has plenty of time for all his sports, hobbies and buddies. That is one thing I won't tolerate. You're right, it's all about priorities. He has a family for god sake. That means a little more than just working. I also understand guys that just won't talk, it's hopeless. You have a little over a year right? If you think about it, that's really NOT a long time. It will fly by, esp since you're so busy, then you can work on getting out on your own. I think he DOES owe you the support through school. At least you didn't get married. You are stuck for now, true, but it's not forever. Look on the bright side, you have a good place to live. You're not stuck in some govornment housing piece of s*** apartment wtih the dregs of society. (Not that all people who get assistance are that, but there are a lot). You have plenty of money, and you're getting a good education. You will be more than able to take care of you and Jaylynn when you graduate.
As for feeing bad about being a late bloomer, ha! I had crappy receptionist jobs (all I was qualifed for) that I DESPISED and sucked at, always getting fired until I was 26 yrs old. I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I SURE wasn't ready to be responsible. I ended up having to work full time and go to school every weeknight night directly after work at 5:30 p.m. until 10:30 and then 30 minutes drive home. I lived alone and was making $8 an hour with a car payment, too. I barely had enough to eat. I was soooo tired. I wish I wouldn't have wasted my one opportunity when I was 18 and went to college, I was living with my parents (total f****** nightmare) and they were paying for school, but I spent all my time in the student lounge playing cards and pool, and partying, so one semester of that, and it was over, they pulled the plug. I just wasn't ready by a longshot.
The point is, it doesn't matter WHEN you get it together, it's that you DO. You should be so PROUD of yourself! You make excellent grades, you're responsible and are also taking care of a child to boot. That's awesome, esp the fact that you have a major illness to take care of too, not to mention your diabetes. Seems that life is oh so hard for most of us, but we survive and excel. I promise you will look back on this and be so proud of what you accomplished. It's hard now, but you will get the payoff you deserve and Jaylynn will benefit, too.
Try to put all this in perspective, hon, I know it seems like hell right now, but it's all worth it in the end.
Gosh Shannon, I wish you were around more often. I mean like close to me or vice versa. I have friends here well maybe I don't , cause when i am down they never call. Anyways, you have such kind words. I am trying to put this all in perspective and what will be best for my health and Jaylynn's future. I want to thank you, because I cried reading that, well not thanking you for crying but.... oh you know what I mean. I just don't want people to look at me and say I used Jason. Because I am not, he jsut isn't trying. i think he feels like it is too much like work, and since nothing is bothering him, then i should be ok. I know what his parents will think, and I almost feel obligated to owe him something. But hey, maybe I will just not make him pay child support for like a year after I graduate. Do you think that would make a difference? I am jsut confused Shannon. I thank you sincerely , and I know when this is all said and done someone greater than me has something in store for me. i truly believe I am a great person and deserve more than what I am receiving. Nickie
P.S. if I lived close to you Paul might not like me. lol I would be like Shannon can I come over to talk, and Paul would eb like again.HA HA Thanks for cheering me up a little. Oh also, this open glove technique, is hard to do. Without making the glove unsterile. By the rolling it does when you are putting them on. Good thing we don't have to do this alot. AHHHHHHHHHH.... can't seem to get the dumb things on without them rolling. I know practice makes perfect.
Wouldn't it be great if we all lived close by? Paul hates no one and he likes anyone that is good for me, besides you would crack him up!
about the no child support thing; WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING! Of course he should pay child support until she is 18! She isn't just your responsibilty, he's half the equasion. Geez. Don't feel guilty, love. If he wasn't her father and you were in this situation, it might be different, but he took on the responsibility when you two had Jaylynn; it's for life.
about the glove thing; I only assisted in some minor office surgeries, and it was so infrequent, I never did get the whole sterile field thing down, I always dreaded it. Luckily, I worked for a doc who didn't mind doing his own, except I did put his gloves on, I don't remember them rolling, they were just folded once and he didn't want them halfway up his arm, lol! I always hated surgeries.
I'm glad you're feeling better, whatever works! You DO have an awesome sense of humour! You crack us all up. You even crack me up when you're mad. (Not today, tho, it's different).
about one year off child support? NO. That's what I was talking about. You didn't "plan" this, you're not devious! It just worked out that way. You are living as a married couple, and this is exactly how it would be if you were legally married. It happens, do NOT blame yourself.
Let us know how you do tomorrow. I bet everything will look better if you get a very good (long) night's sleep!
Thanks again to all, I don't make Jason the bad person, he does a good job on his own. I think you have great advice, and some I already do. I want to tell eeveryone this: I TRY TO NEVER SPEAK A BAD WORD about JASON IN FRONTOF JAYLYNN. However sometimes she is closer than I anticipated. I know in the long run , she will come to her own understanding of what we are like as parents, I hope no matter whatshe will always respect the decisions I will make. I know she does respect people, so hopefully in the end she will benefit from all the decisions Jason and I make as parents. ( Mine will just be wiser).lol about Jaylynn cleaning , yeah she helps( i redo it when she's not around, I am real particlar) , as much as a 3 yr. old should. I let her clean mirrors and windows. She helps me sweep the floor in the kitchen.She always packs her own lunch , ith the choices I give her, same as what she will be wearing. I give her 2 choices, and she picks. Otherwise she would be dressing real weird. lol i know Sandra, I can't change a person, only they change thmselves, I guess i wonder why people make the decisions they make, LIKE I don't get it. Whatever, i shouldn't care, but it frustrates me. I am so the oppposite and can't grasp this. Like we talked about before on here, about jobs. And how we usually give 150% and the other employees only give 40%, or do as much as they are asked and it takes them all day. Why should one person do all the work, while the other acts like they cannot , it's so hard. ???? Anywasy, your right I worry to much and try to do it all, but like I said I like things done accordingly, basically my way. It's perfection, I am not but try to perfect all I do. Make sense? I think it's a BP thing, well i have noticed in other BP's. My mom laughed at me when I told her I had too much other stuff to worry about tha if Jason is cheating on me, she shook her head and laughed, and said other stuff? Like schol, Jaylynn important stuff. She goes yeah, that's the Nickie i know. I have endured alot thus far, and right now men , really can't phase me . It' s all rather a shame, because I really could make someone else happy, but I am tired of playing that role. I want to be happy. ME! So with all that said, I thank you all for the great advice. If you want to know one thing about me, is that I can make it through a mountain, I just sometimes don't like the road.I hope all is well today, and I will be too. Enough about Jason and Jaylynn. I usually don't talk much about my personal life, so thanks for listening. From now on , I will concentrate on positive things, well unless i cycle again in like 5minutes.ha ha. I am nuts!