Charron, I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. My opinion is that even tho you love him, there is nothing you can do to make him better. He has proven that for over 30 years. Even tho the in between times are good, the bad is unbearable. He is sick, he won't get himself clean and well and stay that way. He shows little regard for his family's well being. Sometimes, you just have to say enough. You've been married twice already, and nothing has really changed, except maybe the physical violence. I know this is hard to hear, but really, you and your daughter would be much better off without this constant upheaval and trauma. You can't even talk to his mother about it! she's as sick as he is. You have no support. Except here, of course!
Yes, he's sick. But, he knows that and refuses to take any responsibility, instead preferring to put his family through this s**** over and over. You just have to really have a serious talk with YOURSELF about how you want to spend the rest of your life. If you choose to stay with him, then know this is what to expect and that it won't change. Talking to him isn't going to help, he's beyond that.
I do believe he isn't gone for good, he'll be back at some point. Esp if he is borderline personality. I think between now and then you need to make preparations for which kind of life you want to lead, with or without him - and make your decision final this time.
I hope you don't think I am being insensitive here, but having the same illness as he does, it doesn't change, it only gets worse with age and it's totally up to the BP if they are going to get well or not - often it has nothing to do with how the loved ones feel
Please keep posting here for support, it's the weekend and some of us are busy, but I'm sure when the others check in and read, they will help you too.
Hang in there the best you can -
I have to comment here on what Nickie said, it's so true that in the moment we dont even realize how hurtful or emotionally/verbally abusive we can be, and it can be pretty bad, as you know. But later, when we have a moment of clarity, we realize what we've done and are mortified and soooooo sorry! But we can't take back the words that cut to the bone. The rage is uncontrollable and we become this other person that we can't control and are oblivious to at the time. Like Nick said, NOT trying to make excuses here! But non BPs will NEVER understand that. You would have to experience it. The physical violence is also a propensity in men. But, I have done it a couple of times, I actually beat the crap out of two men that dared to slap me. The adrenaline we get is over the top and even skinny little me bloodied and bruised both of them and ended up with not a scratch. I have destroyed so many things in my house, once I even picked up a vacuum cleaner and threw it into a glass coffee table. That's how irritable we get, anything can set us off. Things that wouldn't even bother normal people.
Yes it is our responsibility to get better, Iwon't say well, because we will never be as level as a normal person, even on meds we still have mood swings more often and severe than non BPs. It's a constant medication adjustment to stay level. It's so hard to get us to take medication, because we think we feel good, that's all we know (except the depression part, of course). So, when we take meds and "crash" we feel like total and complete crap. We feel dead inside, no emotion, no energy, miserable. Why would anybody want to go through that. It can last for weeks or months. We know, that if we stop the medication, we will be "normal" again. This is the price we have to pay to be level. Men have a harder time with it, and often never get better. It is a choice, either you pay the price for a temporary time to get there, or you don't. It really depends on how much your family means to you and how much support you get. Maybe you can understand that a little better than you did, maybe not.
I am again NOT making excuses or putting some guilt trip on you! I am telling you again, you really should not expect things to change. I can almost guarantee he is a lost cause. And YOU are paying the price, not him. Look what's happened. You're mentally and physically sick. Is that fair for a person who has done nothing but love, support and care for another person that consciousy chooses to cause her nothing but misery? I have to agree with Sandra, what is it that you love about him? Do you maybe confuse true love with co dependence. I personally do not believe you can love someone who causes you nothing but pain and has for 30 years. I recommend you get counseling to help you to think clearly, you are very confused, as I would expect anyone to be who has endured the kind of emotional abuse that you have. It is NOT YOUR FAULT! For your own sake, you need to leave him. I'm not telling you what you should do, just what I know of BPs in general and the abusive relationship syndrome. Google abusive relationship syndrome, there are myriads of studies, support and recommendations for getting out of it and healing your psyche.
Good luck to you, sweetie, I really feel for you.
WTF Sandra! Are you crazy! (Rhetorical question, of course, lol)
Where the f*** did you get that idea? Who said that that they're right! I must have been absent that day!
You have every right to be here and speak your mind! i do believe this lady wrote in here for opinions and perspective from actual bipolars! I think you're having a downswing day from lack of sleep, hon, that's what happens. You need to shut out the world for a while and go to sleep your not thinking straight. Go to bed!
I Love you dearly, hon
Charron, I know how hard it is to deal with, i really feel for you, hon. You'll be in my thoughts. Good luck with all of it.