Help..if only!!!!

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stox4pat
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 214
   Posted 8/30/2005 9:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh God everyone! I am just losing it. I cant stop crying and want to DIE!!!!!! I have been w/o service and have been catching up on posts and LIFE is so ironic. Ellie, Sandra, Nickie...you all have these lives that are so full with your children and all and some of u have financial probs that make life so difficult, all u want is some peace and freedom. Then there is me...I have money, a good husband that caters to everything I need or want. He and I live in 2 seperate homes because of the Hurricane that hit last year, he is on the West Coast of Florida (that is where he works..mostly sleeps at the hospital as they are re-doing our entire house due to the hurricane) and I am in our home in Ft. Laud. and he will have 10 days off and come here...he goes to the store, gets all the food I need (I am a skeleton due to my ulcerative colitis), takes care of all my meds (see illnesses below), gets me cigarettes even tho we fight about that cuz he HATES that I smoke. Takes me to doctor appts., etc. The only thing I do is laundry. I have a cleaning girl every 2 weeks, weekly pool guy, weekly yard man. Two nice new vehicles, one of which is mine that sits in the garage collecting dust, closets full of clothes, shoes, bags, etc. And you know what I WOULD GIVE IT ALL AWAY JUST TO HOLD MY BABY IN MY ARMS, AND HEAR HE/SHE CALL ME MOMMY. I ENVY u girls so bad. All I ever wanted was a child and I couldnt get pregnant and did 3 rounds of in vitro and finally threw in the towel. We had another hurricane hit us but on the Ft. Laud. side this weekend. Well, my cousin, her fiance his 2 kids and her 2 kids (6 people) plus my niece that lives in Ft. Lauderdale staying with me Thursday-Sunday and I had the BEST weekend EVER. I told Kevin (hubbie) that it was better than a month long trip to Europe. I LOVE BEING SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE!!! I took 2 of her kids to the mall and bot them Homecoming dresses and they were SOOOOOO appreciative. All I did was cry. They think I am some sort of freak, I know it. My cousin's fiance was in my hottub and said, "Patti, I think I have died and gone to Heaven, u have your own little resort right here"!!! But, I AM MISERABLE!!!!! I know u all are thinking "Why not adopt?" Well, had I not have developed my Colitis fter the in vitro we probably would have. I am just now in remission (thanks to the steroids...yuck!!!!) after 5 years of 10-20 diarreah bowel movements a day, plus all the other bull...I am sorry but i am so hysterical i cant even see to type!!!! just remember everyone...Watch out for what u wish for, you just may get it. Ill be back when I can see. Take care all.
 
Love to you all and your little ones,
Patti sad    
Epilepsy (31 years)  Keppra (300mg x 4 per day), Valium-myoclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05, tapering to 2 a day 8/12/05) Probiotic VSL#3 began 8/17/05
 
Infertility (20 years) in vitro fertilazation 3 times with no success/ Just a HUGE bill!!!!
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet
 
Bi-Polar (4 ever) Depakote and Effexor 150mg
 
Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neurontin 300mg 1per day                                                                                                                                           


Arenace
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 249
   Posted 8/30/2005 10:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh Patti,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly. I so wish that I could offer more than words to help you. Have you thought about maybe taking in some foreign exchange students? That way you can lavish treats and love on them, but they won't weigh you down so much that your health suffers. Heck Patti, right now I'd gladly send you mine with bows on him!!!

I know that having your own (I'm including adopted in that catagory) would be different than just having a visiting child. But, on the other hand, to nurture and protect a child from harm, to see that they are fed and rested and do their homework, and stay out of trouble, even if they call you Patti is giving a gift that is immeasurable. You yourself are the treasure to share. You share those things now, here, with us. You protect, guide, advise, educate, all the things a good parent should do. So I know you would be fantastic at it no matter which road your "parenting" took. I'm sorry, I not 100% back to my self yet, so if I have put something badly here let me apologize in advance. But what I mean to say is that you are great! and I hope you consider finding a way to share all that greatness!! And Patti, don't want to die, strictly from a selfish point of view, I would simply miss you just way way way to much young lady!!
Bipolar brings new meaning to the "Little Ups And Downs Of Life!!"
 
Sandra


 


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 8/30/2005 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Pats, you do have all the resources, including a long marriage to your hubby to adopt.  I understand you have colitis, but many times, when you don't have a gnawing emptiness anymore, like your childlessness, it gets much better.  It's driven by stress and anxiety, too.  (Not saying it's in your head!)

I bet Kevin would be all for it; you're not too old.  I would suggest foster care, but those kids almost always come with massive emotional issues and it wouldn't be good for your psyche.   You could adopt a baby overseas and not have the wait time it is here. 

I really do think if you had something meaningful in your life it would do wonders not only for your depression but for your physical health.  Maybe talk to Kev?

I would do anything to help, (except babysit, lol) we all would.  ((((((hugs)))))))

Shan



stox4pat
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 214
   Posted 8/30/2005 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sandra. Thank u sooooo much. You are a treasure. You NEED to stop apologizing. You have never said anything out of line to any of us, so as much as I appreciate it, u have nothing to apologize for ;) I am clueless to what a foreighn exchange student even is (sorry I am retarded)! I am assuming that u must have one? Honey, i am in such a downward spiral, it scares me. However as my girls know (meaning u all, who I consider my family), as much as I want to die (and have since I can remember), I do believe in God and the afterlife. So, suicide is NEVER an option, or I would have been history long ago. I know its hard for those that have this dreaded disease, jobs, school, shi**y husbands, etc. and I want everyone to know that money DOES NOT buy happiness. Trust me Sandra I am not bragging (u didnt say I was, in case u think u did..lol) about our lifestyle, just trrying to make EVERYONE understand that it isnt the end all. It sure hasnt made me happy! Unfortunately, I have lost so many people that I thought were my friends because of what my husband and I have. Which is TOTALLY ludicrous, especially when we "share" all our treasures. Again, if u remember I was the doctor's wife who would rather hang w/the nurses or my cleaning girl rather than the other doctor's wives (can u say Stepford wives)...NOT ME!!! I love you Sandra and u have made me feel so mmuch better. I thank u with all my heart and soul. I would miss you also, so promise me u WILL NOT leave. I am still waiting to email Nickie and get her butt back here.

Love,
Patti ;~)
Epilepsy (31 years)  Keppra (300mg x 4 per day), Valium-myoclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05, tapering to 2 a day 8/12/05) Probiotic VSL#3 began 8/17/05
 
Infertility (20 years) in vitro fertilazation 3 times with no success/ Just a HUGE bill!!!!
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet
 
Bi-Polar (4 ever) Depakote and Effexor 150mg
 
Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neurontin 300mg 1per day                                                                                                                                           


stox4pat
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 214
   Posted 8/30/2005 3:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Shannon, unfortunately Kevin no longer backs the "adopting" idea. He feels that we have been through so much (especially that we cannot even f'ing live together until the house is done, which is always longer than they tell us) already that neither of us can take much more. That is one of the main reasons I get so mad at him. He doesnt understand the emptiness. He says he has come to terms with the fact that we are childless and I know he believes one day I will also. I know that I need something meaningful in my life, I am just tired of everytime I turn around there is something else wrong. I was hopng that my pdoc appt. on Sept. 7 was that big step, but as usual I guess I was wrong. I just have to accept that what is, is what is and what is not, is not. Thanks anyway.

Patti
Epilepsy (31 years)  Keppra (300mg x 4 per day), Valium-myoclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05, tapering to 2 a day 8/12/05) Probiotic VSL#3 began 8/17/05
 
Infertility (20 years) in vitro fertilazation 3 times with no success/ Just a HUGE bill!!!!
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet
 
Bi-Polar (4 ever) Depakote and Effexor 150mg
 
Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neurontin 300mg 1per day                                                                                                                                           


Danarx
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 8/30/2005 6:01 PM (GMT -7)   
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Patti)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))*hugs

I wish more than anything that you could have/adopt a child, but I know that is something you and your husband have to work out. We all have our trials in life and it seems like you've had ALOT. Have you thought about talking to someone about these things. It's just a lot to take on yourself, and it makes me sad to see you in SO much despair, that you want to die and can't stop crying. I've been there recently though, and I know it's nothing easy to brush off. You are in my prayers patti!!!!

As far as nickie, I have yet to figure out what happened. Who said what in where. I really hope it wasn't myself that said something. We all need to stop being SO sensitive ;), lol, I think that's part of the bp.

Feel better sweetie!!!!!!!

Dana
 ~ With Love ~ Dana, Pharm. D.
 
~ Diagnosed with Lupus in May of 2004 and Bipolar II in April of 2001. 
 
Disclaimer:  On any medical information I provide, please bring your concerns to your physician.  I have no financial interests in any drug or drug company.  I will try be as objective as possible.  If I am giving my opinion I will state it first. 


stox4pat
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 214
   Posted 8/31/2005 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey all. Thanks so much for the support...that is what I CHERISH about you all! Even tho I dont feel I get the support I need from others, they do not have all my illnesses and issues. But you all GET ME! That is all there is to it. WE.. none of us can take each other for granted! I felt like a PART of me was missing when I was out of service for all those days! Trust me its a wake up call for those of us who need each other. Think it about lovebugs. And I sooooooo much appreciate you all your support.

Love ya'
Patti
Epilepsy (31 years)  Keppra (300mg x 4 per day), Valium-myoclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05, tapering to 2 a day 8/12/05) Probiotic VSL#3 began 8/17/05
 
Infertility (20 years) in vitro fertilazation 3 times with no success/ Just a HUGE bill!!!!
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet
 
Bi-Polar (4 ever) Depakote and Effexor 150mg
 
Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neurontin 300mg 1per day                                                                                                                                           


Arenace
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 249
   Posted 8/31/2005 10:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Pats, we love you too you know.
Sandra
 
"Bipolar brings new meaning to the Ups And Downs Of Life!!"
 
 


 

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