called my Dr. this morning. Guess it's time to try the meds again. They worked last time. I just couldn't afford them but I asked about samples again and if not we'll have to find a way. If my husband won't go for it I"ll just have to call my ex. He was a terrible husband but a great friend. Hopefully I get a call back from the Dr. today. It's not really the hyperactivity thats getting to me. Oh no doubt its uncomfortable, Car trips stink, I feel so confined. I'm not able to sit long and of course focus is nearly gone . Mostly its the irritability. I'm snapping and I feel like I'm just barely in control. I don't want to yell at my kids. This isn't their fault.
Going back on meds feels like giving up. I hate the lack of personallity, i hate being dependant on a chemical, hate it all. It makes me feel weak, just not strong enough to do it on my own. I don't like weakness in anyone much but in myself it's just unacceptable. Can't let thils go on though. The kids are constantly getting on my nerves and I'm about to show my husband the door. Klonopin helps some but not enough on its own. Just so angry about this whole situation. I did okay for a couple of months. Okay isn't as "okay" as it used to be though if that makes any sense. My normal periods aren't quite as normal as they once were.