Bad decision, hard decision, not sure what to do

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Danarx
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Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 9/8/2005 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   
I went home to my parents for a few days, therefore haven't had the chance to respond to many posts.  It seems like we're running on emotions again here, which I would like to post about, but don't want upset anyone.  I think we need an additional moderator, but not sure, how to approach that without stepping on anyone's toes either. 
 
Well I see Shannon now nono saying I told you so.  But I think just being on my zoloft is causing some mania.  I'm always in denial that I have this illness, I don't want to expose a future child to any more medications than is necessary while I'm pregnant or trying to conceive.  I just got out of being severely depressed and I don't want to go back there. 
 
But monday night my mind was racing.  And I had this idea that I had to write a story or my life, in the middle of the night (which I don't write stories).  But I feld like I had to do it and wanted to get up and write.  But I made myself go to sleep and yet my dreams were aweful that night and every night since.  I also had a little paranoia when my extended family was at my parents monday night. 
 
I don't know what to think about it.  I want to say it was just a fluke, but I also stopped my zoloft for a few days and took half this morning.  I would love to go back on lamictal, but I would hate myself for the rest of my life if I took something while I was pregnant that caused my child any harm. 
 
So I'm trying to figure out what to do with my meds.  And I unfortunately won't let myself trust my pdoc to let him make that decision. 
 
Thanks for listening to me vent. 
 
Hope you all are having mood stable days tongue

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 9/8/2005 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I understand your reluctance to expose a baby to meds. Been there. Sometimes though if you really have to have them, what else can you do? Depression and anxiety isn't good for a fetus either. Pregnancy doesn't come with any guarantees. No matter how perfectly you do things you're still going to worry. I was 39 with my last and terrified the entire pregnancy. I had visions of all sorts of terrible outcomes but it all worked out okay in the end.
Wishing the best for you and keeping you in my prayers
Ellie

psychnurse
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Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/8/2005 9:33 AM (GMT -7)   

I'm so sorry you're having an episode.  You are fully hypomanic now, and I am just going to recommend you nip it in the bud before you do something stupid.  You know what I mean, you are having flight of ideas, paranoia and bad dreams, all are common.  You are running the risk of full mania.  Even hypo will cause you to do  things you will regret.  I don't have to tell you all this, you know.   You ARE bipolar.  You have to deal with it.  Ellie is totally right, these swings are dangerous for a fetus, so, there is a risk of not medicating too  and here are tons of risks when you're pregnant.  Things happen even when you're perfect!    And don't forget, you have a husband to think about too.   He deosn't deserve to live with that when it's fixable.

Just trust your pdoc, it is his/her specialty, they are the expert.  If you insist on staying on Zoloft, at least get a heavy duty stabilizer.  Well, lol, get one anyway!   You don't want to end up in the hospital.  That's all I'm going to say, it's ultimately your choice, I hope you make the right one.

Oh, one more thing (of course, lol)  what goes up must come down.  If you let yourself go for long in the hypo state, you will come crashing down, this is the time of year.   That always happens anyway, we all know that, it's either/or.

As for the moodiness, I know, I haven't been exactly helpful lately, either.  But, that's what this board is for, I think in general we are doing a good job despite the fact that everyone is cycling.  It is the time of year for that, if you aren't aware fall and spring are nightmares for us, it has to do with the amount of sunlight we get. 
 
I have an appt. with my pdoc in a couple of hours (thank god!) I can't take it anymore.  But, with rapid cycling there is only so much that can be done, at least it's not full fledged.
 
I hpe you feel better, Dana, I really do, we're all here for you.  
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 9/8/2005 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Dana I wish I could offer you some advice. I really don't know what to ay. I wasn't medicated during my pregnancy, and suffered severe depression, during and after. As for taking meds while pregnant, what is the chance that something will happen to your child? Do you any tyoe of research that you can look at ? I know that isn't very comforting , even the slighest chance I imagine would be scary. Okay about the moods or whatever, I have said this before. I will not intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, and for the most part I am extremely sensitive to people on the boards. i have an illness that continues to be unbalanced, and unfortunately I have really rough days. I have been for about 1 week now. If I can't be myself on this board where almost everyone is not well, at least 100%, then i will find somewhere else to go. I have looked at alot of my posts and only recently I have had some uncomfortable ones. I sincerely apologize, and I hope I am not anyone's reason for leaving. i don't know about adding an extra moderator, I think what we have is excellent. But anywasy, again we are all entitled to our own opinion! I can only speak for myself, and I will . i love to come here and post , I also accept when I was cycling maybe I shouldn't of posted, but I thought when you are feeling sick, someone on here could help. I don't know , maybe this is all my fault, but again I can only be ME. i happen to love me and hate me, s*** I would love to escape my head. So I will try alot harder to not post when i am ill, for the sake of others feelings. Maybe this will solve the problem. I have taken responsibility for all of my actions, and I wish you well. Sincerely, Nickie  

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/8/2005 1:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Nickie!  don't think that!  You haven't said anything wrong.  If we can't post when were feeling bad, then what good is it.  I think we all know by now the nature of BP is being not so nice when we feel bad.  unfortunatley, so is being overly sensitive to others and paranoid, a real catch 22!

It would be a shame that we feel we can only post when everybody, esp ourselves is doing great. 

I finally had to make an appt with my pdoc today, I can't take it, and can't seem to fix it no matter what I do.   Come to find out, I am having mixed episodes.  Nver thought I would see the day.  It's awful.   There's really not much they can do about mixed, it is the time of year and will play itslef out mroe than likely.  I am bouncing off the walls, tired, teary, angry and extremely happy and joking at the same time. 

I think we are all either mixed or rapid cycling, we just need to deal and help each other OK? 

Shannon


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


stox4pat
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 214
   Posted 9/8/2005 2:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Nickie..I am gonna kick your butt! Now darn it you have GOT to stop blaming yourself! Where and who EVER said it was you? Am I braindead or missing something?? This place is for good, bad and indifferent. We all throw ourselves a pity party and feel unloved..even by each other. But we all know it isnt true. I am dying inside, but that isnt your fault..and guess what..it isnt MY fault either. We have an ILLNESS darling. That is the problem, not us! People that arent sick may think we are hiding behind it, but we know better. Who the hell would live like this is there was a choice...duh??? You post no matter how you feel and if any of us cant deal with it....life goes on. You have never upset me..except when u say u are leaving or will not post unless u "feel good". So that is what this pyscho that has lost everyone close to her except you all and her husband, who is a doc and understands it isnt our fault, has to say! So please think about what I am saying, pretty please w/sugar on top??? Until next time,

Love,
Patti
Epilepsy (31 years)  Keppra (300mg x 4 per day), Valium-myoclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
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Arenace
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 249
   Posted 9/8/2005 2:38 PM (GMT -7)   
NICKIE!!!!!! You haven't done anything wrong, or said anything wrong!!!!! Heck you are one of the most helpful people I know!!! OMG what in the world. I'm so sorry that I didn't notice what a bad time you were having! I was having a rough time myself and just wasn't paying enough attention. Please Nickie however you are feeling post away, or email me. I know for me this is rough to go through alone. This "mixed episode" stuff is for the birds!!! Talk to me Nickie, I promise I'll listen.

Hang On,

Sandra

BP brings new meaning to Life's Little Ups and Downs


clic
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 9/9/2005 10:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Dana:

Hi! I gave your post a great deal of thought. I do understand your predicament, because in the next 2 yrs, we will be starting our family. I will be creeping around the age of 35, which troubles me to begin with, knowing that conceiving is that much more dificult arond that "magic" number. I have been trying to not get pregnant (and never have been) which makes me wonder if I can conceive at all honestly. To know you have been trying with no success breaks my heart.

As for the drugs, I feel for you in the deepest way. I think to myself that maybe I shouldn't even take the risk of having a baby b/c I could hurt it with the drugs, and if I am not medicated, I could hurt it just as much. Adoption has been heavy on my mind. Anyhow, I talk to my pdoc a lot, and have come to trust him as he seems to have me pegged (this took awhile!). He told me that yes, there is the risk of Ebstein's and lithium, but that he was not sure about the other drugs b/c honestly it hasn't been researched well, if at all. He raised a good point though. He told me that not being medicated can be just as dangerous, esp postpartum. He said that when a baby is floating around in stress hormones like cortisol, it is imapacted negatively. He tells me that damage can be done to the developing fetus if mom is a mental and physical mess. I thought I could risk going off the meds for 9 months, but honeslty, I remember what the crashes are like, and I am nothing short of either suicidal or a monster with the rage. He did suggest that perhaps for the firt 3 months to stay off drugs and go back on after that. However, you spend all that time getting stabilized and then it all goes south. The dilemma-what is best for baby, ultimately-and what is also best for you...I will keep you posted if I hear any more stuff!

Take care Dana.

Shannon2


Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 9/9/2005 11:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Girls,

I don't have anything to add directly in response to the meds question. Although I'm only 25 this is something that already weighs heavily on my mind. I want to say that I think that you are all brave in facing the reality of the situation. I know plenty of women who aren't nearly as cogniscant or aware of what it involves being pregnant and I think that its important to recognize that it takes courage to face these heavy realities.

My hearts go out to you all and I hope that you find some sort of peace in your quest,

Putter


clic
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 9/10/2005 10:39 PM (GMT -7)   

Putter, I just have to say that you are sooo eloquent and well spoken/written! It's always nice to hear from you, you are very thoughtful!!!

Shan2


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/11/2005 4:23 AM (GMT -7)   
True!  And you said you didn't have anything good to say! tongue
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/11/2005 4:45 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey, Dana, I just wondered if all the responses have helped ou make a decision yet.  I'm not pushing, don't worry, I'm just curious if we helped. 

How are you doing?  Did you call the pdoc?  I hope so!

 


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


Danarx
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 9/11/2005 7:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Shannon,

Thanks for the concern.  I am taking everyone's responses in and still pondering what I'm going to do.  I'm still having my moments, but I'm still not ready to jump on a mood stabilizer.  I know I would feel a whole lot better, but I'm going to see what cutting down on the zoloft does.

Thanks everyone,

Dana


kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 9/11/2005 9:18 PM (GMT -7)   
 Dana I don't want to step on anyones toes here but i most definately would not take an SSRI. I know you are very knowledgeable in your field, but I thought zoloft was an SSRI.Although I could be wrong. Now I not sure about if it is or not, but maybe you can try something else or like you said cut it down. I really wish you could become pregnant , because you have a great motherly instinct. Probably more than me. I am new to all this mom stuff, you would think after  almost  4 yrs. I would know. But I don't . I am praying for you sweetie.  Dana can I ask how old you are, I am sure you said once before  but I may have forgotten. Take care hun, Nickie

Danarx
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 9/12/2005 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Nickie,

I know shannon's opinion on SSRIs and she is extremely knowledgable and I respect her SO much. However, the SSRIs and bipolar is VERY controversial and the studies that exist are not very good, they have a lot of limitations. There are not a lot of them and are not well supported. There are even some pushing the other way. So I am hesitant to jump on the bandwagon of no SSRIs.

The reason I am taking zoloft is because it helps my depression. I was stabilized very nicely on lamictal and zoloft.

The consensus right now is that there should be a mood stabilizer on board especially when an SSRI is being used for depression. So I know this is not a good situation. My pdoc would like to see me on lamictal but I'm just not ready.

I am 26. Thanks for your kind words and prayers, nickie. You are really sweet and a special person. I'm going to be one of those mothers that worry about everything.

I hope you are doing okay, I know this is a rough time for most of us.

Love you all,

Dana
 ~ With Love ~ Dana, Pharm. D.
 
~ Diagnosed with Lupus in May of 2004 and Bipolar II in April of 2001. 
 
Disclaimer:  On any medical information I provide, please bring your concerns to your physician.  I have no financial interests in any drug or drug company.  I will try be as objective as possible.  If I am giving my opinion I will state it first. 


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 9/25/2005 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Just hadn't heard from you in a while dana and was a little concerned. Hope you're doing well
Ellie

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/25/2005 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Yeah, I was just thinking that this a.m.; you haven't even posted on medicine questions, are you ok??  You were "up" last time you were here, but that was a couple weeks ago! confused
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 9/25/2005 10:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Missing you Dana, hope all is well. Sorry it's not been great around here. I have a feeling it will! nickie

Danarx
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 9/25/2005 7:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Awe,
 
You guys are so sweet, I love you all!!!!!!  I am doing good, I have my ups and downs, but I'm still up. 
 
I'm sorry I haven't been posting to med questions, getting a little burnt out at work, and sometimes just don't want to deal with it ;) especially when it's impossible to have perfect answers.  I struggle, talking about meds, especially psych meds.  It's like okay a beta blocker for a heart patient is going to slow your heart rate down as well as your blood pressure.  You may notice some fatigue with exercising and could cause depression.  But it WILL decrease your blood pressure.  Where as an antidepressant, mood stabilizer, anti-anxiety, antipsychotic, or sedative, nothing is certain.  I can't tell people that it will or will not work.  And as far as side effects, I can't say what will or will not happen. 
 
And Nickie, as far as it "not being great around here",  I don't feel that way.  The way I think about it is we are BIPOLAR, therefore we are going to struggle with people disagreeing, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings.  I try to keep an open mind, and if I start getting upset with it, I just walk away from it and let it go.  I love you guys, and really enjoy reading your stories, and getting to know you all.  --- and we aren't the first or the last part of the forum to have disputes.  We are all struggling here with some illness or another.  And all need love and support.  *although I can't say I don't get riled up with certain posts, or people on certain days. 
 
But you guys are awesome ((((((((group hugs)))))))))))
 
 

kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 9/26/2005 7:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Dana I had a feeling you would understand. I am so glad you can wlak away from the situation, sometimes I dwell on things, and have to realize you can't make everyone happy and convince everyone of waht your saying is right , even if it could be wrong. HMMMMM... Did I say that. HaHa Glad to see your posts, and sorry to hear your worn out at work. Come here, you know well make ya smile. Or at least try. Depends on if it's my 2, or fourth good or bad day.LOL

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/26/2005 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Dana, I know what it's like to burn out!!!!!!   But Nickie's right, you will feel better if you come here, because we all do understand and we love you, too!

I am SOOOOO glad you're still feeling good, you went through a very long depression.  

Hope to hear from you soon!

Shannon   

 


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 9/26/2005 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Glad to hear that you're okay. I'd been thinking about you. Take care.
Ellie
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