What's Goin' On?

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charron
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 9/27/2005 10:11 PM (GMT -7)   
HI ALL!  I received a lot of very good advice here a few weeks ago when I asked about my b/p husband.  Well, Shannon, you were right--he came home September 10 and said he wanted to work things out.  He seemed much better.  Then, he left again.  I mean, one minute he loves me, then says "I love you, and I love the kids and I love all of my family members" (which I don't think is the same kind of love you reserve for a spouse.  What I want to know, is it common for b/p people to be so changeable in their feelings?  One minute, he wants to come home; the next, he wants to separate......BTW, he says the doctor gave him medication to take as needed. which shows denial to me.  (He allowed me no contact with his doctors--privacy laws)....I want to work things out, but if he refuses to discuss his condition with me, how can I help him or stay in this marriage?  Thanks in advance for your reply.

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/28/2005 3:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Charron
 
While I'm glad to see you back, I'm sorry to hear of the rollercoaster ride he's taking you on.   Unfortunately, his behaviour/feelings are very typical of an unmedicated BP.   We love or hate, depending on what mood we're in.  Too high and it gets past the euphoric, "I love everybody" stage and into irritability, no patience and hating the world.    Most people read that mania is an "elevated mood".  Hmmmm.......  It usually doesn't last too long, it happens on the way up before it gets to the next level.   Then comes the part where BPs can't stand anyone, especially the ones closest to them.
 
No BP gets medicated "as needed" because we need medication every single day to try and keep on an even keel.   Until he accepts the situation and complies with the doctor,  he will continue this behaviour.  He doesn't even know he's miserable more than likely, we never do, we just think it's how we are, it's normal to feel that way.  Except when we get depressed, of course!  
 
There is no way you can make him  get medicated and stay that way, the only thing you can do is calmly talk to him and tell him you it makes you feel, don't say "you make me feel......" that's accusatory and we are VERY defensive people.  Say something like "I am feeling so miserable and hurt and angry all the time, I just can't do it anympre.  I need you  to get medicated and STAY that way, or I'm going to have to leave for good.  I DONT want that, I love you so much.  It is your choice now whether we stay together or divorce, permanently".    That way you give the power to him, which is what he wants.   One thing you've done that isn't too helpful to you is you keep taking him back, and he knows you will.   You need to give him the ultimatum and stick to it.   I mean, what kind of life and marriage do you really have if he continues to be sick.  If you go on this way, it will be like this forever.   He may do one of two things either say "Fine, leave, go file tomorrow!" and not really mean it, or "Ok, I will".   Tell him to leave now anyway and go wherever he goes (I think you said his mom's?) to  think about it for a few days.  That will show him you are strong and have had enough.   (You have to learn to be manipulative, because we are great at it, lol).  Tell him you WANT to help him, to be a part of his life in every way.  Also, don't forget to mention what it's doing to your children.  Sometimes that REALLY works.
 
If you approach him with love and understanding, and calmly with no shouting or anger, he will likely be very receptive.  THAT part is up to you.
 
Please try this, your story is also the story of my marriage.  My poor hubby put up with this for 10 years, and finally said the same thing, and he's always the way I described; it worked.   I've never felt better and we are sickeningly in love, lol.  It's like we met each other again.  Of course, it's fall and in the fall and spring our illness gets much worse, even on meds we become very up and down and unstable at times, but its not as bad as before we were medicated, provided we were stable on meds in the first place.   Unmedicated at this time and I'm sure he's even worse.
 
I really hope this helps, Charron, please keep us posted (love that pun eyes  )  and let us know every step of the way, if you run into an impass, maybe we can help you get through it.  I'm sure when the world wakes up, you will get lots of responses. 
 
Good luck, Charron, I hope this works out for you both and your kids. 
 
Shannon
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 9/28/2005 10:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Charron,
Thanks for letting us see the other side of BP and sharing your story. My heart goes out to your and your family. Shannon has spoken with such honesty and truth and I hope that her story can help you find some strength and direction in your own struggle. I have seen many of the things that you mentioned in myself and I pray that you and your husband will find some peace through the turmoil. Sometimes its hard to know who suffers more when the illness is running the show.
Our thoughts are with you,
Putter

Arenace
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 249
   Posted 9/28/2005 12:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Shannon, you always no how to say what I sometimes can't. I left a devastating path behind me, as I've mentioned before!!!

I wish you nothing but good think Charron. It is a rough road you are looking at. I hope it works out for you.

My best to you,

Sandra

BP brings new meaning to Life's Little Ups and Downs


charron
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 9/28/2005 5:36 PM (GMT -7)   
THANK YOU so much Shannon...The warmth, caring and concern that comes through in your posts reminds me so much of how my husband is at times. I will follow your advice and let you know what happens. All of you are wonderful and so supportive. It's good to know that I don't have to go through this alone--his mother is filling him up with a ton of excuses and not helping him at all.....

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/28/2005 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   

Charron, I reallly do feel for you.  If it wasn't for me getting well (well, hmmmm, for us I guess) and seeing things through my husband's eyes, I couldn't help that much.   I truly feel for the spouse of a non med BP.  It's very very rough.  

I do hope you talk to him very soon, and I really want to hear everything.   And don't forget, if you stumble along the way, we're here!  Good luck! :-)

Shannon


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key

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