Another Friday Night

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charron
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 9/30/2005 7:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi again!  I gained some real insight from you guys--especially you, Shannon, concerning my b/p spouse.  I followed your advice, and I thought he was listening finally and that we could discuss his illness and not go through with a  divorce.  He is living at his mothers, and I am sure that any leeway I make with him is  meddled into by his in denial too Mama.   He said he loved me, and that I should call him tonight so we could talk.  When I called, he wouldn't come to the phone.  We are both musicians, and I also told him that I was going out to play some music tonight.  Is he mad about that, or just in a mood tonight?  This is so frustrating-  he loves me one minute, and hates me the next.  Oh, btw, I got some medication for the depression I've been in since January.  Is that common too- for the spouse of a b/p person to get sick themselves?  I've been really down, because I love him so much, and this has been going on for years; his last episode just about did me in. Thanks for caring and sharing everyone.  You are all wonderful people....

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/30/2005 7:58 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Charron - I am going to just go out on a limb and speculate.....At what point did you tell him you were going out to play music tonight?  Before or after he asked you to call him?  Either way, it is very possible and maybe even probable that he is pouting about that.  (How could she possibly be wanting to go out and have fun when we are supposed to talk?  Or even if we werent' how could she be enjoyign herself when we aren't together?   Who is she going to be with? (another man?)  She just doesn't care.)  These are some of the things that go  on in our minds, esp when we say "I love you, lets talk".  You'll probably never understand the twisted way our minds can work, either we are totally unworthy or we're superior.   It just depends on the day, lol!  Is there anything else you could tell us that would help?

And yes, it's common for the spouse to need help too!  Nobody's THAT good!   Of course it affects you in a very hurtful way, and I commend you for gettting help for yourself.   It will help you both to deal better with the issues.    Have you been on it long enough to notice any difference?  What is it?

I'm glad to see you back, charron, unfortunately not for the reason, but we'll keep trying!

Shannon


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


charron
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 9/30/2005 9:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shannon and All:  I told him I was going out (just to play guitar and sing and rock) and definately not with another man after we discussed his b/p and how it was affecting the entire family (including the kids).  He was really listening and I thought things were going much better.  The doctor put me on amitriptyline 10mg to start and up to 20mg after a week.  I'm really depressed and when he took off after latest episode, I was devistated.  He left a lot of his clothes and stuff here (we signed a lease in May and I am stuck with entire rent) and it isn't easy living here with so much of him here too.  When I play music, I forget all the pain.  When you are in love with a b/p spouse, and go through the mood swings with them, it takes it's toll I guess.  I said how can we work this out when he is at his mothers (who blames me for everything)?  I just hurt so bad and sometimes I just have no energy....Gotta go now, thanks for all of your concern and caring replys....

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/1/2005 4:39 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Charron, I hope you're doing well today.  I don't understand why he wouldn't come to the phone other than mood swing and/or mommy "talking" to him eyes    Worst thing, meddling MILs.

Since he chose that route, I would suggest you just leave a message that it's over, you've exhausted all your energy and patience and it's not worth making you sick, too.  It is ultimatum time.  This cat and mouse game is really bad for you, Charron.  And he has good ol' mom in his corner fueling the fire.   You and the kids deserve to get out of purgatory.

I'm not telling you to get a divorce, you know I want to see you both succeed at this; if he would just get medicated he would wake up and see what he is losing!  darn, but it's hard to deal with us!  I find myself getting soooooo upset at BPs who treat their families/spouses this way just because they won't take a few pills a day.  Especially because I was one of them.  (No kids, but an adoring husband who certainly didn't deserve that!).  Like I said last time, you're going to have to tell him no more talk, he has pissed away his last chance with you.  You are moving on and have to take care of yourself and your kids.   If he wants to continue to be sick, treat his own family like dirt and live with Mommy, that's his choice and he's clearly made it.   Sometimes, talking with authority to us and letting us know that's it, we have lost all our chances, we panic (in a moment of clarity) and will comply.  But also like I said, Charron, MEAN IT!   Don't let him manipulate you again.  If he says he wants to "talk", tell him to forget it.  You want see ACTION, not words; you're tired of "talking" about it.  You tell him if he wants any kind of chance, he has ONE.   He has to earn it, not talk about  it.  You're done talking.   First condition: get medicated and get on the RIGHT meds.  (Many times, we get meds at first that don't work).   I suggest strongly that he go to the hospital to get stabilized because they will be aggressive about it and he won't get out until he is no longer manic).  Don't worry, it isn't like TV and it usually only lasts a day or maybe three if he's really bad.   He has to go through the bad part of coming down and stick with it without quitting the meds.  He has to stay living with his mother while he does it.  (The reason for this is because you want to SEE him try without the chance of him just quitting them when he comes home and "wins".    Make him show you he is committed, (no pun intended there, lol) otherwise, it isn't going to work.  Don't give him a timeline, that's too easy a goal.   He has to suffer the adjustment period, that will be the proof in the pudding that he is committed.  And the last thing:  YOU and his CHILDREN come before MOMMY!  He needs to step up to the plate, be a man and defend you.  THAT'S what men do!

These have got to be the main conditions upon which you will take him back.  Make him sign a contract stating he will comply with these indefinitely or the deal is off.  It's time to get tough, no more *****footing and babying; his mother has done enough of that.

I hope you can step up to this challenge, Charron, it is the only way left from what you have told us here.  You have to get tough with us sometimes.  If he refuses, or falls back after a while, I'm afraid you will have to make a choice of either accepting that this is how it's going to be, or leave.   And, once you see more clearly when your meds take effect, you may decide that's what you want for relief anyway.

Charron, I really hope things work out for you so badly.  You sound like such a good, caring wonderful lady, he will see that if he gets stable.  But for now, he will take you for granted.

I hope I have inspired you rather than bringing you down.  I certainly didn't intend that!

Oh, and you might ask him a question at some point when you're telling him this:  Does he feel good and happy right now?  Living with his mother as an adult man with a family and losing his family because his so-good mood is worth it?  Sometimes that may make us think even when we're NOT stable.

I hope you have a good day and I'm looking forward to hearing back from you! :-)

Shannon


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 10/1/2005 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   
You're a great person to be so supportive. It isn't easy dealing with us. Many of us are master manipulators. We will twist situations around to our advantage with no thought for anyone else, and try to make everyone around us feel guilty for needing any support for themselves.
While it's wonderful that you've been there for your husband, make sure you're there for you as well. You deserve to be happy. Its hard to do that when you're walking on eggshells.
I hope everything works out for the best. I'm certainly no expert on relationships. Mines a mess right now but sometimes its easier to see someone elses difficulties that it is your own. Lol, maybe I should take my own advice.
Take care
Ellie

Arenace
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 249
   Posted 10/1/2005 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Ellie, your situation is different and you know it!!!!! LOL

Sandra

BP brings new meaning to Life's Little Ups and Downs


corey-jon
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 10/1/2005 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   
wow ellie1 you have me pinned down.  but i cant help myself. i love my wife and douggie and my mom but im just NOW learning how to give back instead of take:( takes everything i have to concentrate on my behavior and not make others apologize for upsetting ME all the time. i upset them too:(  my wife ell is a saint to love me and she is diabetic and anemic and puts me first ALL the time confused
gtx rules

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