Adam, I know exactly how you are feeling, I think we can all relate and have been there, maybe not prison, some have of course, but other horrible things we have done and have paid a dear price for, including me. A little about me, I like to let people know you're not alone and am an open book:
I am 40 yrs old, BP since a small child. Back when I was a child there was no such thing as mental illness in children; they were either good or bad. I was bad. I didn't mind, I didn't mean to and honestly tried, but it seems every time I turned around I was in trouble, even for the tiniest things. I was beaten till I had strap marks that turned to bruises on my butt and legs, and sometimes backhanded if I made the slightest remark of disrespect to my parents. Back then, it was considered fine to "discipline" kids that way, even teachers sometimes asked me what happened to my legs and when I told them I got a spanking, they just said "oh". End of story. I grew to hate my parents, was terrified of my father cming home because I never knew what I had done that day to get it. I wasn't allowed to get mad or cry, so I still can't if hurt, just extremely angry and I last out.
Anyway, that didn't help much. I went on to live the rest of my life in mania (type I w/ psychotic features also and rapid cycling). I made ALL the mistakes always listed in the "reckless behaviour" department, paid dearly for them up until 2 years ago when I bankrupted us charging up 37K on credit cards in the span of 3 months. Went from yuppie life to disability and bankrupt. I finally went on meds at age 39 due to an ultimatum by my precious, devoted and very patient husband. (I guess 10 years was enough for him!). He has forgiven and miraculously forgotten all past mistakes and there were worse ones if you get my drift. We are sickeningly in love (no kids to get in the way) and very happy together. After many meds, I found the right cocktail, slowly adding one as each symptom arose or didn't respond to the others I was taking. Recently added Abilify to the combo (three mood stabilizers, an antipsychotic 1 antidepressant and Klonopin for panic and sleep). Doing much better with Abilify to the mix.
Meds are tricky; they can affect everyone differently. Some pdocs write off label meds meaning meds that are experimental and not commonly on the list for BP. Trileptal is one, it works wonderfully for me. No weight gain, no real side effects, helps you sleep at night, no drowsiness during day, at least for me. I am very sensitive and like you have been on them all. Except Dopamax. Combined with Lamictal for extra stabilization and it also has a great antidepressant effect for BP depression only. Seroquel for psychosis and sleep (usually no weight gain or diabetic effect on that one, very low risk unlike Zyprexa). Welbutrin for depression and Klonopin for panic in crowds and sleep.
Thats just what works for me, but the Trileptal is off label and very few docs use it. It's the only one that worked for me without horrible side effects. I'm just saying, you start with one or two, keep adding as symptoms dictate. And getting a good pdoc that isn't afraid to try new things is great too! It does NOT have to take a long time to get the right cocktail. If one doesn't work, ditch it and try another. There are always several in the category of the one that didn't work. And most of them do work on the first try, not all but the majority. Your job is to study up on symptoms and what class of med is used for that particular symptom so you can suggest a med to your pdoc, he will usually listen and be willing to try. Do get a pdoc if you don't have one if you possibly can rather than a GP. There are exceptions, but not usually.
I totally understand your feelings about other people. I think we all feel that way! It's not sooo bad when you're stable, well, hell, sometimes it is, I really don't care for people I don't know and who aren't close to me. I panic in crowds, can't even go to the store or the mall or anywhere on the w/e. i can't stand in line anywhere because I can't have any stranger in my personal space. I have many other personality disorders, (Avoidant, schitzoid, paranoid, body dysmorphic disorder, narcisism ( I HATE that one, very embarrased), and dependent. Since I was 21, I lived alone supported myself, worked full time and put myself through school full time and paid for it myself until I married at 29. Now on disability per doctor's orders and NOT proud of it, but so much better. Disorders almost always go with BP, you're not alone. Even being stable, they usually remain you are very smart to get therapy. I TOTALLY disagree with your diagnosis of sociopath. Could you kill someone you didn't know, who did nothing to you without any emotion and then just go on about your day after dumping the body? I doubt it, that's a sociopath. You have schitzoid tendencies at best.
Before you jump to your death, please please please get some competent help. Write in here all day every day, most of us are on all day. Danarx is a registered pharmacist who can help you with meds better than me, lol. I can help, but she's defo the expert! There is also another nurse named Shannon (two BP nurses name Shannon found THIS board?) *twilight zone music*. Your sense of humour will return with stability. I was the very same way, I forgot how to laugh for years, peoples' jokes were stupid and I forgot how to laugh for many years. Now I laugh at everything, sometimes till I have tears runnning down my face. You CAN feel better. Sometimes it takes a lot of meds, but you can if you perservere. Most of us are not the give up kind of people. I think it takes a VERY strong character to continue to live with the kind of pain we experience constantly. Granted, lots commit suicide, but more don't. Be strong, Adam, you haven't tried all combinations, they are endless obviously.
I hope this short book I have written will help you some and at least give you some hope, it seems you need a "refill" of it, lol. Oh, and did you know BPs for some reason crack puns constantly without even meaning to? I am the WORST at it, but only when I am feeling good. There are so many special and good things about us, give yourself a chance to find them.
Please let us hear from you soon, Adam, we are all concerned.
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key