New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

hockeyboy
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/8/2005 8:11 PM (GMT -7)   
"Hello, is there anybody in here?"  Well I just registered today to see what things were going on here.  My mother sent me two emails that had Healing Well links on it so I thought I would try.
 
I am 33 years old.  I have had all sorts of mental health issues since I was about 3 years old.  I am no stranger to meds, hospitalization, and of course the ultimate help, therapy.  Only during my first few years of marriage did I not take anything or see anyone.  that would have been 1995 to 98.  Other than that I have spent 27 years on a bad dream.  That is a long long long time.
 
I was told as a child that I was upset over being adopted.  Then I was told due to my actions in school that I had ADD or ADHD.  After many years of drugs and constant therapy, I was told that I was depressed and they said I needed to go to the hospital at age 13.  They said you would be there for a few months. HA HA HA.  I spent the next three and a half years at the world famous Sheppard Pratt.  For over $100,000 a year you would think I would be cured or functional, but most of all my parents were broke.  They put me into there day program and therapy several times a week.   Family therapy was actually fun because the woman was so ugly my parents and I laughed and we thought everything they tried was stupid.  So I graduated high school and then the fun began.  After high school I went to the NAVY but after a year they knew about the therapy and was ask to leave, quickly.
 
I saw a doc that then told me I was a sociopath.  That I had no remorse that I had no feelings execpt for myself.  I told him he was stupid and not coming back.  So I got married shortly there after and I worked and things were normal, well at least I thought so.  I had problems with alcohol, drugs(all of them), and the business I owned I was caught stealing my clients money for there accounts and there atm machines.  I went to jail in march of 99.  When I came home in March of 00 my wife was pregnant with a crack dealer down the street.  But lets get back to the story.
 
I used drugs only from 95 to 98.  Yes they made me feel better and high and really might have even hide the mental health issues from me.  Well I was driving from Arizona to baltimore to go home to the wife and kids.  I started feeling the sweats and didn't know what it was since it only happened a few times.  I made without incident and I had a great night alone with my wife.  The next night Friday the 13th of November 1998 everything changed.  I had just sat down and taken some coke.  I had a panic attack.  A bad one by judging the ones I still have.  I called 911 and the ambulance came and when they kicked in the door I was fine.  Nothing it just passed so out of fear I sent them home.  I went up to tell my wife and she was worried and then it came again.  I called the ambulance back and they refused to come back.  So I called a cab.  They hooked me up to everything and took blood and my h/rate was flying away.  But after 2 hours they came back and said you just had a panic attack and they gave two pills to take home of ativan.  After that I was done.  I developed or rediscoverd OCD, bipolar with wonderfully beautiful pyschotic features, panic attacks and of course I got social anxiety disorder. 
 
I don't like people.  I don't like having to leave home.  I don't like public places.  I can barely drive even worse at night or in rain.  I find everyone trivial or dumb.  I have about 20 panic attacks a day on a bad day and 10 on a good one.  I am rude, inconsiderate, and have no sense of normal humor.
 
Drugs I have tried a lot of them, from ritalin, melerill, desipramene, prozac, paxil, effexor, lithium, depakote, topomax, ativan, xanax, valium, buspar, haldol, thorzine, zoloft, trazadone, abilify, zyprexa, risperidal, etc......
 
Nothing helps, nothing gets better.  I am going back to therapy on the 19th of this month and I am looking forward to it(I don't know why).  Some of us with BP and other disorders can make some good decisions.
 
You know its ironic,  my mother abandoned me before I was born(that's the way I view adoption).  But now I have two kids who I help take care of and raise.  And no matter what I would never abandon them.  I guess thats the only reason I am still alive....
 
Adam

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 10/8/2005 8:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to HealingWell.
It sounds like you've had a rough time of it to say the least. Maybe this new Therapist on the 19th is the one you've been waiting for, the one that will help you find some answers and some relief. You'll be in my prayers.
Take Care
Ellie

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/9/2005 4:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Adam, I know exactly how you are feeling, I think we can all relate and have been there, maybe not prison, some have of course, but other horrible things we have done and have paid a dear price for, including me.   A little about me, I like to let people know you're not alone and am an open book:
 
I am 40 yrs old, BP since a small child.  Back when I was a child there was no such thing as mental illness in children; they were either good or bad.  I was bad.   I didn't mind, I didn't mean to and honestly tried, but it seems every time I turned around I was in trouble, even for the tiniest things.  I was beaten till I had strap marks that turned to bruises on my butt and legs, and sometimes backhanded if I made the slightest remark of disrespect to my parents.  Back then, it was considered fine to "discipline" kids that way, even teachers sometimes asked me what happened to my legs and when I told them I got a spanking, they just said "oh".  End of story.  I grew to hate my parents, was terrified of my father cming home because I never knew what I had done that day to get it.   I wasn't allowed to get mad or cry, so I still can't if hurt, just extremely angry and I last out.
 
Anyway, that didn't help much.  I went on to live the rest of my life in mania (type I w/ psychotic features also and rapid cycling).   I made ALL the mistakes always listed in the "reckless behaviour"  department, paid dearly for them up until 2 years ago when I bankrupted us charging up 37K on credit cards in the span of 3 months.   Went from yuppie life to disability and bankrupt.  I finally went on meds at age 39 due to an ultimatum by my precious, devoted and very patient husband.  (I guess 10 years was enough for him!).    He has forgiven and miraculously forgotten all past mistakes and there were worse ones if you get my drift.   We are sickeningly in love (no kids to get in the way) and very happy together.    After many meds, I found the right cocktail, slowly adding one as each symptom arose or didn't respond to the others I was taking.   Recently added Abilify to the combo (three mood stabilizers, an antipsychotic 1 antidepressant and Klonopin for panic and sleep).  Doing much better with Abilify to the mix. 
 
Meds are tricky; they can affect everyone differently.   Some pdocs write off label meds meaning meds that are experimental and not commonly on the list for BP.   Trileptal is one, it works wonderfully for me.  No weight gain, no real side effects, helps you sleep at night, no drowsiness during day, at least for me.  I am very sensitive and like you have been on them all.  Except Dopamax.  Combined with Lamictal for extra stabilization and it also has a great antidepressant effect for BP depression only.  Seroquel for psychosis and sleep (usually no weight gain or diabetic effect on that one, very low risk unlike Zyprexa).  Welbutrin for depression and Klonopin for panic in crowds and sleep. 
 
Thats just what works for me, but the Trileptal is off label and very few docs use it.  It's the only one that worked for me without horrible side effects.  I'm just saying, you start with one or two, keep adding as symptoms dictate.  And getting a good pdoc that isn't afraid to try new things is great too!  It does NOT have to take a long time to get the right cocktail.  If one doesn't work, ditch it and try another.   There are always several in the category of the one that didn't work.  And most of them do work on the first try, not all but the majority.  Your job is to study up on symptoms and what class of med is used for that particular symptom so you can suggest a med to your pdoc, he will usually listen and be willing to try.    Do get a pdoc if you don't have one if you possibly can rather than a GP.   There are exceptions, but not usually. 
 
I totally understand your feelings about other people.  I think we all feel that way!  It's not sooo bad when you're stable, well, hell, sometimes it is, I really don't care for people I don't know and who aren't close to me.   I panic in crowds, can't even go to the store or the mall or anywhere on the w/e.  i can't stand in line anywhere because I can't have any stranger in my personal space.  I have many other personality disorders, (Avoidant, schitzoid, paranoid, body dysmorphic disorder, narcisism ( I HATE that one, very embarrased), and dependent.  Since I was 21, I lived alone supported myself, worked full time and put myself through school full time and paid for it myself until I married at 29.  Now on disability per doctor's orders and NOT proud of it, but so much better.  Disorders almost always go with BP, you're not alone.  Even being stable, they usually remain you are very smart to get therapy.  I TOTALLY disagree with your diagnosis of sociopath.    Could you kill someone you didn't know, who did nothing to you without any emotion and then just go on about your day after dumping the body?   I doubt it, that's a sociopath.   You have schitzoid tendencies at best. 
 
Before you jump to your death, please please please get some competent help.  Write in here all day every day, most of us are on all day.   Danarx is a registered pharmacist who can help you with meds better than me, lol.  I can help, but she's defo the expert!  There is also another nurse named Shannon (two BP nurses name Shannon found THIS board?)  *twilight zone music*.   Your sense of humour will return with stability.   I was the very same way, I forgot how to laugh for years, peoples' jokes were stupid and I forgot how to laugh for many years.  Now I laugh at everything, sometimes till I have tears runnning down my face.  You CAN feel better.  Sometimes it takes a lot of meds, but you can if you perservere.  Most of us are not the give up kind of people.  I think it takes a VERY strong character to continue to live with the kind of pain we experience constantly.   Granted, lots commit suicide, but more don't.   Be strong, Adam, you haven't tried all combinations, they are endless obviously.
 
I hope this short book I have written will help you some and at least give you some hope, it seems you need a "refill" of it, lol.   Oh, and did you know BPs for some reason crack puns constantly without even meaning to?  I am the WORST at it, but only when I am feeling good.   There are so many special and good things about us, give yourself a chance to find them.
 
Please let us hear from you soon, Adam, we are all concerned.
 
Shannon1
 
 
 
 
 
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


hockeyboy
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/9/2005 6:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you both for writing back. What is serequl. I am going to look it up but maybe you could explain when you take it and what side effects there are. Risperadal gave me chest pains(although) when I took it I was at a point where my doc said if you have one more episode back to the hospital you go. I tried zyprexa and to me that was a wonderful drug. I was on it for 6 years and I slept so good even too good. But another doc thoght best and put me on abilify in may and by July I was 30 lbs heavier. I am probably manic now. large amounts of trazadone make me fall asleep but I never stay asleep but I do end up with 7 or 8 hours.

When I first had depakote I went from being 6'1 and 220 to 280 in three months. Only last summer was I able to lose weight and get down to 250. I am now thanks again to abilify up to almost 300. That is a very big concern in any meds I take. Which is why when I read somewhere about serequl that I might be interested in it.

As for my therapy I am looking forward to finding the right cocktail but I ain't looking forward to spilling the beans. lol I hope this chat or fourm is confidential, but I went to this clinic when I first came home from jail in march 00. I told them how i feel about my wife cheating and wanting to kill her and the crack dealer. They tried to commit me. So how do I tell them that other than my kids the past three weeks I have wanted out. I even stopped my car at the top of a 150 drop bridge and looked over. I got scared and left. Maybe I won't tell them that. lol. (See Bad Humor)

I really am thankful someone responded to this thank you very much. I'll keep in touch.

Adam L.

corey-jon
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 10/9/2005 9:46 AM (GMT -7)   
hey bro. im corey. im on seroquel. well i go on and off depending. i have anthropophobia on top of being bipolar 1.  i hate people:( usualy anyway. i dont like being looked at and i dont give eye contact to many except my wife and my mom and best friend and even then its hit or miss.  im suicidal. tried 8 times and messed that up.  i go to work and back. go grocery shopping at 3 am with dark glasses and my trusty white sox cap.  so i understand.  not many guys around. mostly ladies. im 39.  i refused theraphy until m y last freakout in feb 2004. i lost a week. didnt know where i was or who i was.  i been on paxil i overdosed twice cuz i was self medicating. had a doc that just refilled me and i lived on beer and junk food.  then well btrin and depakote and klonopin and on and on.  seroquel is dynamite tho. really.  since i got off paxil i lost 34 pounds.  im 6 1 and was 234.  bloated all the time:(  now im 194 or something so thats good. hey email if ya want kk?? be nice to have a guy to yakk to. and for the record i cry alot too.  laters.
i dont make promises i dont keep


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/9/2005 10:02 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey, Adam,

Seroquel is an atypical antipsychotic like Zyprexa, but without the weight gain for most people.  That's another reason I love it, I gained too much on Zyprexa and Depakote.  It's very versatile in dosage so there is usually a dose that fits everybody.   It's also much less risk for glucose intolerance like Zyprexa has.   I personally don't care for Risperdal either for the same reasons. 

Most people sleep really well on Seroquel, and of course it stops the voices, hallucinations, bad dreams and all the psychotic stuff.   Usually used in combination with a mood stabilizer.   But I'm sure you know all this by now after looking it up, I just didn't want you to think I forgot about you.

I hope you're doing well today,

Shannon :-)


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


hockeyboy
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/9/2005 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I am at home watching the Ravens get beat up by the lions. SUnday is my day of the week, I watch tv clean a little make my daughter run up and down the stairs to bring me soda. I love being at home with nothing to do and no one to ring that darn phone I keep breaking. I know that right now I am out of it and very manic, but I have two girls, 13 & 11 that I have to be with. I love being a father. I never say no and I let them do what they want within reason. They love me just as much. If I had ten dollars to my name and they wanted candy I would give it to them. There is a lot of joy. I only see the oldest on Saturday and Sunday and the youngest I get whenever I feel like it. They don't know I am BP or anything. I watch them close to see if I see it in them and I don't think I do. My youngest has epilepsy and that has been very hard for me since my mother thought I had seizures when I was an infant. They thought I had fetal alcohol syndrome and by age three they wanted to put me on xanax which my mother said hell no. well time to watch football since the Ravens just scored and there only down by 7.

Adam
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Sunday, December 04, 2016 11:28 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,732,613 posts in 301,037 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151196 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, RAmiddleage55.
284 Guest(s), 12 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
PDL17, Gemlin, 142, bdbbauden, Faustmann, ASAdvocate, Denikeef, Tim Tam, RAmiddleage55, sharron19, Tall Allen, Kristvet86


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer