No One HEARS Me---anyone feel like that?

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Sassie and Sad
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 10/9/2005 5:50 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sitting writing in my journal and decide to try and express what I feel---so many times I feel like people just listen to me to appease me--they don't hear me, they don't feel the depth of the big black hole I feel like I am being swallowed by.  They don't understand that starting some days are like trying to climb out the a big black hole and just survive minute by minute...even though tons of people are around and everyone sees my smile--it is all a big distraction---my life goes smoothly as long as I have some type of big distraction---work, spa parties which I host,,,,anything to keep me from being alone with myself, my head, my thoughts.............and when I can't get away from it and fight it all week,,,I do whatever I have to to escape--to just get some relief!!!   Maybe I am an alcoholic,,,,,maybe I am, but if these people knew how my head was going constantly and the moods swinging,,,you know what I am talking about---if they had to fight all this crap,,,they'd drink too...That is when I am someone else--someone who doesn't care and has no inhibitions..
 
 
Anyway, I am rambling
 
Here is what I wrote--if you can relate, if you really hear me and understand, if you have time, please let me know some of your related struggles--I feel so alone and stupid right now--I just wan this to STOP
 
 
No one hears me, no one understands
they sit and listen, give advice, and try to make a plan
 
A plan to fix it, to make it stop, to make it go away
But did they really hear me--NO--they have no idea what I say
 
The emptiness, the loneliness, the irrational despair, there are no words or pictures,
that truly voice despair
 
Just do it, perserve some say, others offer prayer , some offer encouragement-their own life experiences shared
 
All have great intentions. I know this in my heart.
So could someone PLEASE tell me why I doubt and feel so far?
 
Far away from loved ones, locked in this small black cage.
Begging to be free,,,to escape this lonely hell,
 
But wanting more than anything to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD well.....
 
 
Sassie and Sad

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 10/9/2005 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Sassie
I can very much relate to what you've written. So many times I've tried to explain whats going on in my head just to watch the one I'm talking to stare back with a blank dumb expression on their face. Or better yet to tell me that I if I want to be better badly enough then I will be.
It really isn't their fault. Noone that hasn't experienced this can truly understand. Not that that is any consolation. Thats why these forums are so important. You know that people here CAN truly relate to what you feel when the rest of the world can't. I don't know where I'd be without HealingWell.
As for the alcohol, many,many of us have gone that route to self-medication. Trying to numb it all out. I spent the better part of a year and a half back in the late eighties immersed in a bottle of vodka. I still feel that pull sometimes.
I've found that when I feel the most alone, posting really helps. Theres almost always someone on. Rest assured, we all both hear and understand.
Take care
Ellie

kittycat27
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 10/10/2005 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Well I can relate to all most you say. However as you get closer to "feeling better", I won't say stable because i am not. I re-adjust my meds as needed. I even recently went back to an old med. My doc agreed however. Anywyas, alcohol can be readily avaiable and easy to grab, but it is a downer(depressant). So when trying to feel better and you pick up that drink, in reality you are just causing yourself worse pain. I don't say this to be like drinking is bad .... I say this because I have experienced this years. Recently just falling back on a one night episode of "drunken stupor" to "ease" my pain, when in actuality, I suffered worse. For so long I let a bottle control me, then I stopped then I fell back. It was so nice when Iw as sober with issues, not a drunk and with issues. I hope you understand what I mean. Alcohol causes so many things, mood changes for up to days, coming down ....then drinking it right back up... it doesn't help, it hinders any progress you will try and make. I suffer from this as well. I used to hide my drinking. Now I make it known I slipped and am very disappointed in myself. Battling every day problems isn't easy especially adding Bipolar in the mix. Try anything besides picking up the bottle. I do homework, smoke alot of cigarettes, write in my journal, kickbox( it works for avoiding alcohol), just try anything that gets your mind off that drink. It is a rough road , if you are an alcoholic. I am. Didn't realize it till ... well let's just say I realize it now. I speak strongly on this subject matter for lots of personal reasons, not to preach to anyone. Because for yrs. I didn't practice what I preached. I hope this makes sense to you, and I just want you to know your not alone in this and it's very powerful. Thanks for reading, Nickie

Jan Marie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 1663
   Posted 10/10/2005 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Sassie and sad: Your poem moved me to tears. I can soooo identify with you. I'm usually in the anxiety forum but it's the same feelings, ya know. I just wish my friends, family, doctors, health workers could have my illness for a day and then they'd know. Then they'd understand. They all mean so well and it's not their fault they don't get it - how could they? I know your feeling of loneliness - I sob in desperation every day. I used to have a faith but now cannot believe in a God who could put me through this. HW is such a support and help. It's my lifeline.

Sending you hugs
Janice

clic
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 10/10/2005 12:34 PM (GMT -7)   

dear Sassie and Sad

Oh boy, I hear you loud and clear. I used to hide when I was depressed, so no one would see me,I was embarassed. The only time people saw me was if I was hypomanic/manic. That big pit you talk about, that is how I felt most of the time. I could not understand it, but knew how it felt. And in fact,I used to write poetry just like you! Now when I read it i can't believe how bad I hurt, sad and no one knew, b/c I never let them in, even sadder. Do you? You're right, they can't comprehend the pain. The more I talk about this disorder though, the more people share their mental health (or lack of) with me, I had no idea so many people have suffered in silence.That said I quiz 'em before I spill my guts, risky.

How far into treatment are you? It has been 10 mos for me, and as I look back I can't believe how much I suffered. Please know this does get better-I know you probably hate hearing "give it time" but it is true. Let the medicine do its thing and in the meantime, keep one foot in front of the other, chugging along. And of course, keep in touch!!!

PS Thank you for sharing yourself /your feelings, it makes everyone feel not so alone!!

Hugs,

Shannon2


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/10/2005 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Sassie,

Your poem was very poignant, very beautiful.   I'm not good at poetry except when I'm in that dark place, then it just flows, right?   Your vision of it is really a wake up call, maybe to loved ones, but they will never know.

Being BP to me, is NOT for the faint of heart and I personally believe that any BP with serious problems who doesn't "do it" is an exceptionally strong person.   I think we have to have that intestinal fortitude just to survive and others would have no idea where our minds go.  

Shannon2, I am so with you on being seen only when manic.  When I fall, I am a total hermit, even more than now, lol.   I won't talk on the phone or see anybody but Paul.  Not even my family/sister.  Why would I?  All they can do is feel sorry and helpless and I end up even more frustrated.   Have you ever wished someone could experience just one day of each, mania and depression, like ours, not the garden variety clinical depression.  I mean the bedridden, nonfucntional depression with the leaden paralysis.  I would never wish this illness on anyone, just one day so they would know, not just feel sorry and helpless.   Oh, well, there's nothing they can do about it anyway except hugs and listening, at least in my experience.  But then, of course you worry about boring them and "overstaying your welcome" in that dept. 

You sound good, much better than a couple of months ago, I'm glad to see you here, and I hope you really enjoy your holiday.   When do you go back to school?

Sassie, take to heart everything everybody including me have told you about the drinking.   If you cannot stop, go to rehab and get counseling or go to AA too.  You HAVE TO!  Or you will NEVER get better.    The way I stay clean (2 yrs in March) is to remember exactly the depression that ALWAYS comes after drinking and stays for days/weeks.  That couple of hours of good feeling just isn't worth it, no way.   i dont even crave a drink anymore, but the first year was really really hard, I won't lie!

We are all here to suppport you, and WE do understand!  We've all been where you are and other places, too.

Take care,

Shannon :-)


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


clic
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 10/10/2005 2:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Shannon1 !

I go back to school tomorrow-never a break b/c of all of the assignments and ridiculous extras. 6 more months, ahhh!

As for feeling better, yes. Drinking is tempting b/c of all of the wine and goodies, but I remember that nasty feling of doom after, plus family reminds me, none for you Shannon! I love sangria, so my mom made a big batch, sans-alcohol, LOL. I am down to 1200 mg Lith and 300 of Seroquel, I am pleased. The lith troubles me but works so I will just keep reading and getting levels done and check my thyroid/kidneys too. I had read though that bloodwork shows trouble by the time your kidney function is already pooched. My thyroid was a bit low but he attributed that to the depression at that point in time (?). Anyhow, I haven't had a spell in awhile (minus PMS, that is always trouble!)

How have you been feeling?? 

Shannon2


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/10/2005 2:11 PM (GMT -7)   

I am so glad to hear you are able to reduce your meds - geez 700mg Seroquel!   I'd sleep for a day and a half!  But then, I take lots of other stuff, lol.

Ah, the holidays.  I drink water.   Same as every single day, bottled water, at least 3-5 litres.  Doesn't lith make you thirsty?

I would get your thyroid checked again, Shannon, it doesn't show low becuase of depression, depression happens as a result of low thyroid!   And yes, lith often causes low thyriod function, it did me after only a few months, but there were so many intolerable effects, I quit it anyway.  I took Synthroid, but it resolved itself when I d/cd it.   If you have any hypothyroidism you will have very little energy and be depressed, so you might check it just to be sure. :-)

6 more months!  Yay!  I bet you can't wait.  Writing papers sucks! mad

Take care!

Shannon1


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


clic
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 10/10/2005 2:25 PM (GMT -7)   

nope, Lith has never made me thirsty, which surprised me, I was waiting for it! I don't drink enough, bad me.

about the thyroid, I have to make an appt to discus my bloodwork with my GP (you know, check up results) so i'll check the level myself to be sure it is within normal limits...always makes me feel better when I have the actual number!

Ciao ladies, time for a nap!

Shannon2


psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/10/2005 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Sleep well, lazy! tongue
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


dream_flies
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/10/2005 4:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sassie, I am new here and I know just how you feel. I went through this a life time and it was just this week that my consolor put a name to what I was dealing with. PTSD. It all made sense to me after she explained what PTSD stood for. No when would listen to me. Went around life all so happy for the count of others and yes that black hole is aweful. I understand you and your feelings.
Chris
Take care of yourself no one else can!
Chris


Iofiel
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/11/2005 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
sad  I'm so glad I found you, all of you.
Tears well in my eyes to find others who will trully understand.
Yes, Sassie, I speak and I get blank eyes looking at me.  Someone even said I might as well be speaking Chinese. I stopped speaking and sharing years ago.  I have been alone and isolated for the last half of my life.  I just did not want anyone to see me, I've always associated relating with people as pain.
 
Just reading these posts in the last few minutes has given rise to a new hope for me.  I have somewhere to turn.  I'm a rapid cycler who at times levels out to about four swings a year.
 
As a child of fourteen I decided I would write a book to tell the whole world how we were one spirit and how love, peace and understanding were all we needed to make the world a better place.  This was my first hypomanic moment.
 
Instead, what I've currently got is hundreds of pages of my story, peotry, thoughts both political and religious, inspirations and yes, my voice from the big blackhole.  The blackhole is real and fighting is all I seem ever able to do. Keep at it.  There are also hundreds of pages that I'ce burned, buried and simply tossed to the wind in hopes of ridding myself of such emotional burden. smurf It didn't work.
 
I realized I was an alcoholic eleven years ago and quit cold turkey.  I still self medicate, despite the many meds I've been on and continue to shift through as I battle my way.  I use caffeine to keep going, sometimes going over ten cups a day, the limit my Dr. set is ten but it just kills my stomache.
 
Right now I'm borderline, one minute I'm flying feeling free, the next I'm crying.  Lastnight my boyfriend of a year left here with his daughter and we were not on good terms.  I can't see going on with him, despite the love, there are just too many issues, and with four kids of my own the risks seem high.
 
I always play it safe; I have children I need to stay stable for.  They are my inspiration to continue.  I won't deny the blackhole's existence though.  I'm on disability so I'm not left to flap in the wind. tongue

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/11/2005 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Iofiel!  Glad you found us, too.

I'm also BP type I rapid cycler, 40 yrs old, and unmedicated (my decision of course!) until age 39.  Now doing great, compared to the wreckage I left before.

I am on disability, too.  The only requirement is that you have a pdoc with documented notes of your severity of BP, the more serious the better (for qualifying obviously!), documented job losses from your pdoc, current states and prognosis.   Some of us are genuinely too ill to handle the responsibilities and stress associated with working.   I tried for 3 years to keep it going even tho my pdoc recommended I get on disability, but I was too proud and needed the money, since i had us so in debt we could barely make bills every month.  We have since filed bankruptcy due to my spending.   I have been under her care for 9 years, after 7 years I did finally.  It only took about 1 1/2 months to be approved, thanks to the years of notes and hospitalizations, etc.

You will almost always be turned down the first time, that doesn't mean you won't get approved the second time around.  Get lawyers, much quicker.

I hope to hear from you more, we all understand where you've been and where you are!  There are a lot of wonderful people here to share with.

Shannon1 :-)


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


Sassie and Sad
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 10/11/2005 12:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks to everyone for their responses.  Finding people who are where I am or have been where I am is truly comforting--I don't feel as alone or crazy...
 
Good news--I am feeling better today and I am learning to just live in the moments when I feel good.....and just hope they last.  I KNOW the alcohol was a big part of my weekend "hopelessness" so to speak.  This is the first time though that I realized that the alcohol is changing my moods.  I just thought it was normal to feel the way I did after a night of binge drinking.....I just thought being a hermit, tired, lifeless,,,,,hopeless was just what everyone did.....But since I began researching all of this, I have realized my alcohol consumption makes a huge difference. 
 
Anyway, finally met with a pdoc here in Alabama and he was WONDERFUL.  Was in there for over an hour...he was extremely thorough and very to the point--that is what I need....I have been made to feel incompetent and wrong for asking questions.  I am coming off of the Effexor and am adding Lamictal.......  got to run for now,,,my students are coming back from PE--thanks everyone...I am very thankful to have this place to come to!
 
Sassie

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/11/2005 2:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Sassie, I'm glad you like your pdoc, that's a big help andthat he listens is KEY!  Is he keeping you on Lexapro?

Lamictal is great for BP depression, I take it, but with 5 other meds. eyes   I'm very glad more and more docs are using it, it's great. 

Well, feeling UNBELIEVEABLY tired today, so going to try to get a short nap.

Shannon :-)


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


Ria
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 10/12/2005 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everyone,
 
With each post I read I felt myself in them all.  I was recently dx with BP II.  I am still not sure about my PDOC my therapist is great.  I am playing the meds game right now trying to find the right cocktail. My husband is frustrated becuase his mother has convinced him that I am not BP that its menopause and I need to get over this sh** suck it up and pray because women dont have time for crap like this.  When I can get out of my bed to go to work I can see the disgust in his face like its by my choice.  I was just recently on short term disability from my job for 2 months because i sunk so low I couldnt leave the house at least not by myself.  This is the best place I have found where you can come and talk and not feel judged or ridiculed.  BP is just as real as cancer or any other disease.  Not having any support at home and hiding it at work makes it twice as hard.  Trying to act happy go lucky when all you want to do is run and hide back in your bed.  I was told many years ago that I would never have children but after 2 semi difficult pregancies I have 2 beautiful children they have saved my life many days, if it werent for them I would have been checked out of this misery.
 
Ria

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/12/2005 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ria,
 
I am sooooo sorry to hear abuot the lack of support from your husband.   That's the very worst situation. sometimes family members are in way more denial than we are. 
 
If you are entering menopause or perimenopause it will definitley make your mood swings ten times worse.   It happened to me early (38), and I chose to take just a small dose HRT; taking the progesterone AND the estrogen daily prevents periods and stops the "PMS" cycle.  I do NOT recommend the depo shot or the pill; it is the worst for moods and usually cuases depression/swings in BP women.  HRT made all the difference, if I didn't I would be a mess, probably regardless of what meds I take.    If you don't smoke or have a history/family history of stroke, heart disease, or breast cancer, it may be a godsend to you.
 
That said, how exactly did you get diagnosed?  What symtpoms were you having besides depression?   What about your pdoc are you not sure of?
 
We can all relate to that horrible depression, when I had it I was literally bedridden for almost 2 monhts, couldn't hardly get a shower, too hard, got short of breath, couldn't really move.  It's called leaden paralysis and happens only to BP depression; basically being a prisoner in your body.  Nice, huh mad
 
What meds did your pdoc start you on?
 
 
 
 
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key


Iofiel
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/12/2005 3:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh sassie, I'm so glad to hear your better today and that you realize the toxicity of alcohol.  Things sound on the way up for you.

Ria, I have tears for you, I'm soooooo sorry about your husbands disgust, I lived with it for years coming from my mother and brother.  It feels good to find a place of empathy.  Today marks my second day since finding this wonderful forum. Today has been really difficult for me.  I took a seroquel lastnight because my anxiety was very high, today I'm paying.   My mood is very unstable and as I rapidly cycle between a high state of wonder to then plunge into a hole of death skull I cling to caring for my home and children.  I have been on benzo's for over three years and my Dr. snuck in Valium last Christmas, which I'ce been trying to get off of since I found out.  It works and I won't deny it but I have trouble with addiction.  My body gained a tolerance toit and I could see myself craving more.  As it stands right now, I've been three days without; shakes and irritability, a sense of explosion and doom at the same time.  He didn't authorize me to refrain from taking Valium and has replaced them with Ativan but I can't seem to make it a day without one.  I've been slowly weaning off the Valium but the larger addiction is still there.  I want one soooo badly, it would take so much difficulty away.  I'll stave it off til later.  I went to the Clubhouse, which is a place to go supported by the Canadian Mental Health Society, for people in our community.  It's okay if I go there and stare off into the emptiness and space out.  It's a safe place and for awhile I forgot my troubles.   I'm haning on by the skin of my teeth right now.  Our teacher's are on strike and there is no school all week, my house is starting to get out of control and general kid bickering etc, is taking place.  I was just starting to adjust to the new school year.  Living in Chaos, something I'm sure yall know about.

Thanks for informing me, psychnurse, about leaden paralysis.  I too lived a few months of my life on such a state.  I had no medical care for most my life and I'm learning know about my conditions.

Love to you all and blessings too.


The cycle of life goes on.


Sassie and Sad
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 10/12/2005 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all!  Second day on Lamictal--so far no rash...  tongue Keeping my fingers crossed--just hoping it will work out for me--have heard so many positive results....Yes, I am still on Lexapro.  He actually moved it to 20mg.  He said he didn't have a problem w/ trying Welbutrin--to help with smoking too-- BUT he is just wanting to take it one step at a time.........I am trying to come off the Effexor and come on to the Lamictal--both a slow process.
 
My husband went with me to see my psychologist today.  It went really well.  This was the first time he has met him.  He really liked the psychologist and is going to try to go to all the sessions he can (when he is not working)  HOWEVER, my husband and I are traveling that LONG road also. We are both taking it one day at a time and both are trying to communicate better.  One thing my pyschologist recommended today was for us to write each other when we have a big issue come up--email or write a letter, whatever work s best.  He said that will help with the overreaction and cut down on some of the conflict b/c I will have to organize my thoughts enough to write it down........hope that makes sense??  Anyway, we are going to try it.....that way I will be able to try to control my emotions a little better and have time to think before I speak....which is hard when I am already in a fit of rage or irrational. mad
So far things are ok--I am a little nervous b/c you never know when the irritability and craziness will start...but so far is ok--just living in the moment for now....
 
Ria-Hang in there................know that this is a place you can find people who will support and never judge, but TRULY understand...It has been a life saver for me the past month....Everything does happen for a reason and just at the right time...........  Glad you are here..
 
 

purpletiger
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 10/20/2005 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   

I understand what you mean completely!!!   My family is who doesn't understand...they think I should just be able to "snap out of it" (my Depression) and I can't.  They don't understand the side effects of the medications I am on nor do they try and research them.....it is hard sometimes...on the days you are too depressed to answer the phone.....on the days you decline invitations to come over because you just don't feel like it!

 

I just want you to know that someone out there DOES understand what you feel...and it is me.


deb


Sassie and Sad
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 10/20/2005 6:03 PM (GMT -7)   
It's so funny that you are just now responding and just said EXACTLY what I am feeling.  I have been having good days for the past week, but today has just been like a slow downward spiral....maybe it has been happening a little yesterday too. 
 

I have been turning off my phone just so I don't have to hear it ring..............Even it ringing, just makes me furious, b/c people won't leave me alone...  I have some things to do this weekend and know I should push through and get out instead of sleeping BUT I just don't know if I can make myself do it.
 
I am just in the mode where I just want to be alone...I have nothing to be upset about.  I just feel so stressed out and feel so overwhelmed with work that I am just shutting down...hard to do though when you have 17 2nd graders looking at you every morning.  Our schedule is changing a lot at school and when I get off my routine I HATE it!   I need the structure so I can feel like I am being productive............I just want to stay home and sleep................
 
 
 
 

psychnurse
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 10/21/2005 9:28 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Sassie -

I am soooo sorry you are feeling low, I know how you feel.  Dont you hate when other people feel blue and say 'I know how you feel" Arrrrrrrgh mad    They do not!!!!!

You may possibly be on your way down from getting reduced Effexor, I am telling you, it is a b**** to come off of.   I think Lily makes it that way so you can't without misery and so you keep buying it.   There is no need for that, the other ones aren't THAT bad.   Did you doc give you any kind of mood stabilizer or just reduce your Effexor?  I know he upped the Lexapro to 20, tho. 

There is a doc in the house here sometimes, maybe he will see this and answer if raising the Lexapro is enough to counteract the Effexor, but I don't know; you were on a HUGE dose of it.

If you feel like sleeping all w/e do it.  You have GOT to get rest, otherwise you will get worse.  I soooo understand about the schedule thing, it's actually a very important part of therapy for us.  Change isn't good at first, but when you get used to it, it will be ok.   I think!   I don't know what it is.

I do admire you for going to work, I missed so much due to those days, that's where every single bit of my vacation/sick/personal days went, always.  I never got to take off a day to enjoy, except the usual 7 holidays.  Work made me so sick mentally that i was chronically ill physcially too, IBS, chronic vomiting, migraines, back spasms to where i couldn't even get out of bed, much less be on my feet all day due to the tension.  I've had so much tension in my neck my whole life i have hardly any range of motion it hurts so bad and it cannot be helped by massage or chiropractic care, i've tried everything.  Not to mention hospitalized twice in a years time, ( the last year I worked)  that's why I am on disability and you know what?    I DON'T' MISS WORK!  I loved doing what i did, but the stress wasn't worth it.  I hope you never get to that point.  

Ok, sob story over.   Write me if you want, I hope you're at least functional, sounds like you are today.

Shannon


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key

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