dear Sassie and Sad
Oh boy, I hear you loud and clear. I used to hide when I was depressed, so no one would see me,I was embarassed. The only time people saw me was if I was hypomanic/manic. That big pit you talk about, that is how I felt most of the time. I could not understand it, but knew how it felt. And in fact,I used to write poetry just like you! Now when I read it i can't believe how bad I hurt, sad and no one knew, b/c I never let them in, even sadder. Do you? You're right, they can't comprehend the pain. The more I talk about this disorder though, the more people share their mental health (or lack of) with me, I had no idea so many people have suffered in silence.That said I quiz 'em before I spill my guts, risky.
How far into treatment are you? It has been 10 mos for me, and as I look back I can't believe how much I suffered. Please know this does get better-I know you probably hate hearing "give it time" but it is true. Let the medicine do its thing and in the meantime, keep one foot in front of the other, chugging along. And of course, keep in touch!!!
PS Thank you for sharing yourself /your feelings, it makes everyone feel not so alone!!
Your poem was very poignant, very beautiful. I'm not good at poetry except when I'm in that dark place, then it just flows, right? Your vision of it is really a wake up call, maybe to loved ones, but they will never know.
Being BP to me, is NOT for the faint of heart and I personally believe that any BP with serious problems who doesn't "do it" is an exceptionally strong person. I think we have to have that intestinal fortitude just to survive and others would have no idea where our minds go.
Shannon2, I am so with you on being seen only when manic. When I fall, I am a total hermit, even more than now, lol. I won't talk on the phone or see anybody but Paul. Not even my family/sister. Why would I? All they can do is feel sorry and helpless and I end up even more frustrated. Have you ever wished someone could experience just one day of each, mania and depression, like ours, not the garden variety clinical depression. I mean the bedridden, nonfucntional depression with the leaden paralysis. I would never wish this illness on anyone, just one day so they would know, not just feel sorry and helpless. Oh, well, there's nothing they can do about it anyway except hugs and listening, at least in my experience. But then, of course you worry about boring them and "overstaying your welcome" in that dept.
You sound good, much better than a couple of months ago, I'm glad to see you here, and I hope you really enjoy your holiday. When do you go back to school?
Sassie, take to heart everything everybody including me have told you about the drinking. If you cannot stop, go to rehab and get counseling or go to AA too. You HAVE TO! Or you will NEVER get better. The way I stay clean (2 yrs in March) is to remember exactly the depression that ALWAYS comes after drinking and stays for days/weeks. That couple of hours of good feeling just isn't worth it, no way. i dont even crave a drink anymore, but the first year was really really hard, I won't lie!
We are all here to suppport you, and WE do understand! We've all been where you are and other places, too.
Hey Shannon1 !
I go back to school tomorrow-never a break b/c of all of the assignments and ridiculous extras. 6 more months, ahhh!
As for feeling better, yes. Drinking is tempting b/c of all of the wine and goodies, but I remember that nasty feling of doom after, plus family reminds me, none for you Shannon! I love sangria, so my mom made a big batch, sans-alcohol, LOL. I am down to 1200 mg Lith and 300 of Seroquel, I am pleased. The lith troubles me but works so I will just keep reading and getting levels done and check my thyroid/kidneys too. I had read though that bloodwork shows trouble by the time your kidney function is already pooched. My thyroid was a bit low but he attributed that to the depression at that point in time (?). Anyhow, I haven't had a spell in awhile (minus PMS, that is always trouble!)
How have you been feeling??
I am so glad to hear you are able to reduce your meds - geez 700mg Seroquel! I'd sleep for a day and a half! But then, I take lots of other stuff, lol.
Ah, the holidays. I drink water. Same as every single day, bottled water, at least 3-5 litres. Doesn't lith make you thirsty?
I would get your thyroid checked again, Shannon, it doesn't show low becuase of depression, depression happens as a result of low thyroid! And yes, lith often causes low thyriod function, it did me after only a few months, but there were so many intolerable effects, I quit it anyway. I took Synthroid, but it resolved itself when I d/cd it. If you have any hypothyroidism you will have very little energy and be depressed, so you might check it just to be sure.
6 more months! Yay! I bet you can't wait. Writing papers sucks!
nope, Lith has never made me thirsty, which surprised me, I was waiting for it! I don't drink enough, bad me.
about the thyroid, I have to make an appt to discus my bloodwork with my GP (you know, check up results) so i'll check the level myself to be sure it is within normal limits...always makes me feel better when I have the actual number!
Ciao ladies, time for a nap!
Hi Iofiel! Glad you found us, too.
I'm also BP type I rapid cycler, 40 yrs old, and unmedicated (my decision of course!) until age 39. Now doing great, compared to the wreckage I left before.
I am on disability, too. The only requirement is that you have a pdoc with documented notes of your severity of BP, the more serious the better (for qualifying obviously!), documented job losses from your pdoc, current states and prognosis. Some of us are genuinely too ill to handle the responsibilities and stress associated with working. I tried for 3 years to keep it going even tho my pdoc recommended I get on disability, but I was too proud and needed the money, since i had us so in debt we could barely make bills every month. We have since filed bankruptcy due to my spending. I have been under her care for 9 years, after 7 years I did finally. It only took about 1 1/2 months to be approved, thanks to the years of notes and hospitalizations, etc.
You will almost always be turned down the first time, that doesn't mean you won't get approved the second time around. Get lawyers, much quicker.
I hope to hear from you more, we all understand where you've been and where you are! There are a lot of wonderful people here to share with.
Hi, Sassie, I'm glad you like your pdoc, that's a big help andthat he listens is KEY! Is he keeping you on Lexapro?
Lamictal is great for BP depression, I take it, but with 5 other meds. I'm very glad more and more docs are using it, it's great.
Well, feeling UNBELIEVEABLY tired today, so going to try to get a short nap.
Oh sassie, I'm so glad to hear your better today and that you realize the toxicity of alcohol. Things sound on the way up for you.
Ria, I have tears for you, I'm soooooo sorry about your husbands disgust, I lived with it for years coming from my mother and brother. It feels good to find a place of empathy. Today marks my second day since finding this wonderful forum. Today has been really difficult for me. I took a seroquel lastnight because my anxiety was very high, today I'm paying. My mood is very unstable and as I rapidly cycle between a high state of wonder to then plunge into a hole of death I cling to caring for my home and children. I have been on benzo's for over three years and my Dr. snuck in Valium last Christmas, which I'ce been trying to get off of since I found out. It works and I won't deny it but I have trouble with addiction. My body gained a tolerance toit and I could see myself craving more. As it stands right now, I've been three days without; shakes and irritability, a sense of explosion and doom at the same time. He didn't authorize me to refrain from taking Valium and has replaced them with Ativan but I can't seem to make it a day without one. I've been slowly weaning off the Valium but the larger addiction is still there. I want one soooo badly, it would take so much difficulty away. I'll stave it off til later. I went to the Clubhouse, which is a place to go supported by the Canadian Mental Health Society, for people in our community. It's okay if I go there and stare off into the emptiness and space out. It's a safe place and for awhile I forgot my troubles. I'm haning on by the skin of my teeth right now. Our teacher's are on strike and there is no school all week, my house is starting to get out of control and general kid bickering etc, is taking place. I was just starting to adjust to the new school year. Living in Chaos, something I'm sure yall know about.
Thanks for informing me, psychnurse, about leaden paralysis. I too lived a few months of my life on such a state. I had no medical care for most my life and I'm learning know about my conditions.
Love to you all and blessings too.
I understand what you mean completely!!! My family is who doesn't understand...they think I should just be able to "snap out of it" (my Depression) and I can't. They don't understand the side effects of the medications I am on nor do they try and research them.....it is hard sometimes...on the days you are too depressed to answer the phone.....on the days you decline invitations to come over because you just don't feel like it!
I just want you to know that someone out there DOES understand what you feel...and it is me.
Hi, Sassie -
I am soooo sorry you are feeling low, I know how you feel. Dont you hate when other people feel blue and say 'I know how you feel" Arrrrrrrgh They do not!!!!!
You may possibly be on your way down from getting reduced Effexor, I am telling you, it is a b**** to come off of. I think Lily makes it that way so you can't without misery and so you keep buying it. There is no need for that, the other ones aren't THAT bad. Did you doc give you any kind of mood stabilizer or just reduce your Effexor? I know he upped the Lexapro to 20, tho.
There is a doc in the house here sometimes, maybe he will see this and answer if raising the Lexapro is enough to counteract the Effexor, but I don't know; you were on a HUGE dose of it.
If you feel like sleeping all w/e do it. You have GOT to get rest, otherwise you will get worse. I soooo understand about the schedule thing, it's actually a very important part of therapy for us. Change isn't good at first, but when you get used to it, it will be ok. I think! I don't know what it is.
I do admire you for going to work, I missed so much due to those days, that's where every single bit of my vacation/sick/personal days went, always. I never got to take off a day to enjoy, except the usual 7 holidays. Work made me so sick mentally that i was chronically ill physcially too, IBS, chronic vomiting, migraines, back spasms to where i couldn't even get out of bed, much less be on my feet all day due to the tension. I've had so much tension in my neck my whole life i have hardly any range of motion it hurts so bad and it cannot be helped by massage or chiropractic care, i've tried everything. Not to mention hospitalized twice in a years time, ( the last year I worked) that's why I am on disability and you know what? I DON'T' MISS WORK! I loved doing what i did, but the stress wasn't worth it. I hope you never get to that point.
Ok, sob story over. Write me if you want, I hope you're at least functional, sounds like you are today.