I am so sorry you're suffering - your hurting to think and the body not wanting to move is something called leaden paralysis, it's the hallmark sign of depression in bipolars. Clinical depression doesn't have this lovely trait, special, huh? I've had it so bad couldn't even bathe every day, just stay in bed and think about it, just coudln't move, and I did say i felt like I was made of lead! It went on for two months.
You are cycling really fast, hon, and it happens every year about this time, fall and spring are horrible for our mood swings.
Are you taking Lamictal? If you aren't, you should ask your doc about it; it's a mood stablizer that actually helps keep you from going down, not up! It saved my life last year, I was on a three week vacation on the couch - again and was terrified, so she put me on that and i haven't had *knocking on wood* another depressed episode since last Nov.
I know the bad part of BP sucks big time, but there is a lot of good in it, too. Read the thread "If I had the choice to be bipolar....." and you may gain some very positive feelings about it. Not saying that "positive thinking" will help you at this point, we all know it doesn't and I'm not being some Pollyanna who is trying to cheer you up that way! I hate that!
There are some really good people here to talk to, and we all understand how you feel cos we have ALLL been there a time or two. I'm 40 and have dealt with this crap since early childhood, but didn't decide to medicate until 1.5 yrs ago.
I hope you will stick around, I hope we can all help you through this time.
Just wanted to "welcome you to the club" - pardon the pun :)
You have found one of the best places for support and I hope that you'll come to realize some of the comfort that I've been privildged to find here. Right now, you're probably going through one of the most difficult aspects of BP - being diagnosed and trying to come to grips with it all. I'm in the same boat as you - diagnosed BP II about two years ago. More often than not, I'm glad that I was able to find a conclusive diagnosis so that I could finally find some relief from the madness. Not to say that there aren't those days when you would rather be more average, but at least with a dianosis, there is a way through.
I wish you luck in your journey and to know that this is a place where you are among people who understand what it is to live with BP. You are brave to be facing this with such maturity and intelligence.
BP brings new meaning to Life's Little Ups and Downs
I'm so glad you feel some better just knowing lots of people suffer just like you, in exactly the same way. It does help. When I started meds, I crashed, becuase I lived in a perpetual state of mania (true mania, with delusions and psychosis) and they had to bring me down, fast. Never in all my years of it (almost 41 now) did I have a bout with serious depression until then, it lasted about 2 months, i had no support group, Paul at that time really didn't understand, he thought I was just unhappy about taking meds. He would do the ol' "thnk positive thougths" routine - aaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! But now he totally understands, well, as much as a non BP can, lol. I wish I would have had this place to go to, although I was way to weak to even get to the bathroom, so i wouldn't have really been able to type come to think of it. All I thought of all day every day was suicide and i had NEVER considered that before!
To help bring you out of depression, you should maybe ask your doc about starting Lamictal, it's an epilepsy med used for BP depression, it acts as a stabilizer and antidepressant that actually keeps you from going down, that and wellbutrin together seem to be the safest combo and IMO the most effective. They are the preferred antidepressant therapy for BP, SSRIs such as Effexor can easily cause mania, esp if not used with VERY adequate mood stabilizer, and Lamictal and Effexor won't stop it. Depakote might, but it's still a risk, then you would have to be brougth out of it and possibly crash again. Plus, it usually loses its effectiveness after a while, most SSRIs do, while Lamictal rarely does because it doens't work the same way. It saved my life and many others, too.
Hi, Rock! How are you feeling? I am in the same boat, not sleeping and feeling sooooooooo tired and blah. Getting around 5-6 hours a night and that is LOADED with Seroquel, Trileptal, Klonopin and Abilify at bedtime. That would knock a small pony in the dirt, for gods sake. I just don't understand it, but night before last i slept 8 hours and man i felt AWESOME yesterday. But, not last night, back to the grind.
I'm glad you called your pdoc, gotta get on top of things at the first sign before they get bad, and then it's hard to get back and takes much longer. You'll learn the signals, and if you're lucky you can "train" your SO or family member to learn the warnings and watch you, since we dont' always know what's happening.
You have those vivid dreams too? Wow, I just thought that i was insane. You described exactly what mine are. So vivid, real, and scary, you cant distringuish them from reality when you wake up, and most days tehy left me sour and terrified. I can tell you colors and images, things that I never would have imagined I would ever dream about, things sooo disturbing, not nightmares, just realisticly disturbing dreams that leave me completely drained. I wonder if it started with the Effexor. I really dont know. I started it about 8 months ago as I recall, but it seems likely that it could be related. Ill have to check into it. Luckily, they havent been as bad, but they are still there at times...Yeah, I have really liked Effexor, hasnt seemed to give me any side effects (unless this is linked) and it has dramatically helped me. The combo im on right now doesnt feel right for me, ive done much better at other times, but Im just confused on that front. I know it takes time.
Thanks for the compliment. A good job is worht an early morning.
See ya later! thanks for your help also. Getting rid of those dreams would be nice...
Good morning, rock -
I sooooooooooo understand about the dreams, and yes, Effexor can be making them worse and keeping you from sleeping. Depakote is a good mood stabilizer, but probably wont help you sleep. (Take it at night, tho, may work a tad better than if you take in in a.m.) Maybe you could ask him about a small dose of Seroquel, it's what most BPs get for sleep and it's not addicitng, plus works wayyyyy better than addicting sleeping pills, and never quits working. The dosages go from 25mg to I think 900mg, so you're bound to find the one that works for you. I am limited now on how much becuase it is an antipsychotic and I am now on another one (Abilify), so it's not good to take two of them; hence less sleep for me.
But most all us BPs have those dreams before stabilization anyway. Vivid, technicolor, detailed dreams that are like a movie in your head and real life, like you said. Nightmares, horrible images and at least for me, someone always coming after me trying to kill me. I have been shot, stabbed, drowned, fallen off cliffs, etc. and finally learned to kill my attacker after a long time of losing. I guess we can disprove the myth that if you die in your dreams you die for real, huh! It was constant, and terrifying, as I hit the ground I would wake up screaming and sweaty, do I need to mention freaking out whomever I was with that night?????? I just thought it was normal for me, just like the voices, singing, constantly hearing someone call my name when it was quiet, and nobody there. Not to mention thinking I was a powerful witch with supernatural powers that nobody else had. (Delusions of granduer). I didn't know these things were psychosis. Do you have them?
In case you're interested I'm on Trileptal (mood stabilizer), Lamictal (mood stabilizer/antidepressant), wellbutrin (antidepressant), Seroquel (antipsychotic), Abilify (anipsychotic), and Klonopin (antianxiety/sleep). Symptom by symptom, you add meds. Most BPs are on 4-5 meds, so don't freak out if you need to keep adding. If you are still having the dreams and cant sleep, you are really not stable yet, you probably need a tweak in dosage on Depakote or to try something else, or add something like Seroquel, which acts as a mood stabilizer, too and promotes sleep big time. Ask your doc when you see him, ok? Write it down. Only thing wrong with Depakote is the massive weight gain, so keep an eye on that. And if you can't tolerate it at a higher level, for goodness sake tell the doc, you will need to try something else, there are several to choose from. Trileptal, Abilify, Topomax, Lamictal (although should be added to another stablizer, mostly antidepressant action).
I hope this isn't too confusing, you might want to cut/paste it somewhere and learn it so you'll know when you talk to your doc. And if I didn't say before work WITH your doc, not just taking whatever, and it not working. You will get there and find peace, and balance, but you have to be an equal partner in your care like no other illness known to man because there isn't any 'ONE' treatment; one size does NOT fit all, lol.
I totally understand the kind of not nice comments you make; we all feel it and sometimes say it. I would say things like "oh, ok, I just forgot not to feel this way. I'll change that right away, thanks for reminding me!" - I was queen of razor tongue, that was mild! I hated people who would preach "the power of positive thinking" or "what do you have to be depressed about".
Yesterday I was so tired from bareluy 5 hours of sleep that my bones actually hurt, I couldn't stay awake, but couldn't sleep either, had errands ALL day. I did fall asleep about 8:30 and slept until my usual time, five oclock a.m. Feeling pretty good now! Hopefully all day, I am BP I rapid cycling, but sooooooo much better since adding Abilify, kind of the icing on the cake, no really bad moods in 3 whole week. A miracle for me!
Anyways, I hope you have a great day and are feeling a little better and i'm looking forward to hearing back from you!
Putter, Im sorry that i struck a vein there. I hope that it wasnt a horrible thing. I know how taht can go at times, and for me it tends to be not oh so pretty. Other times its an "ah-ha! moment". I hope it was more the latter than the former.
I can only hope to spare myself some grief. I tend to take out my suitcase of logic on many occasion, just to push away my irrationals. If that doesnt work, I get one of my rough friends to talk me out of whatever i am thinking. I do better with myself now, and jsut use some simple tools ive learned, but i can only hope it will help in the long run. I tend to feel EXTREME guilt over everything, and that guiilt isnt worth repeating on most occasions...so its helped me in a lot of ways, I dont want to do that again, so i find some other way to cope, and move on. It really has prevented me from ruining a ton. Sometimes i look back and im amazed I have done the things i have. I dont know how i got here, but something has been working in my favor. I have a lot to thank my parents and brothers for, tahts for sure, and my friends are right in that catagory too.
I am grateful to have a diagnoses. This opens a lot of doors for me, and a lot of insight, and a network of people i can actually catagorize myself in. Sometimes i wonder if its harder to be "just depressed" because everyone is, and everyone treats it as nothing. Then again, this is something that no one knows about. The grass isnt always greener on the other side, in fact ive found it very rarely is. We are handed cards, and we play with them, and thats that, right?
Anyway, enough of my late night ramblings. I hope you have had a good Saturday also. Mine turned out to be stressful, but fun and even slightly productive. YAY! Have a great sunday.
Till next time.
I think everybody has dreams about what they fear most. I used to also have TERRIBLE thoughts, disturbing thoughts abuot my family or Paul esp Paul, getting murdered or all bloody in some horrible car accident. I still do about Paul and the cops coming to my door to tell me he's dead. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about it, get it out of my head. I ahve had therapy, but it didn't make any diff. Now I just say "NO!" and make myself think of something good, and it works a little better, it's not an all day obsession. All those thoughts are soooooo much better with meds.
lol you're a lightweight with the Seroquel! My usual dose was 250, BUT I also take Klonopin 1 mg, Trileptal which is a stabilizer that will knock you in the dirt, and Abilify at bedtime. My pdoc made me go to 50 of Seroquel and that's when I started having the sleep problems. I also get one or two good night's sleep a week and i AM complaining! So tired, can't do full workouts every day or at all. I have NEVER been tired during the day before. This sucks.Today I was up at 3:45. Great. 5.5 hrs sleep.
As far as the psychosis, hearing voices, and singing and music I never heard before, hearing someone call my name with nobody there constantly, etc., I also thougth it was normal! It did go away with meds. Except yesterday I kept smelling something burning, and there was absoltely NOTHING! It wuld come and go. Weird, cause that's another psycotic thing. I'm not sleeping enough and am very prone to psychosis with lack of sleep. It' s actually dangerous to not sleep well and can bring on mania.
My dad is BP also, and has been the meanest SOB on the face of the earth, physically and mentally abused me till i was 12, then just mentally abused me till I left home at 19. Continue to until I cut him off at 39 finally. Now, he practically kisses my ***, which is weird; I never had a dad before. Problem is he has killed any love I ever had for him, i am trying, but we'll see what happens at xmas time, I haven't seen him in two years. 4 days at their house will be the ultimate test. I just don't trust him yet. BTW you're lucky your dad medicated, mine is too proud, even tho he admits he is BP and suffers the way we do, has hurt and lost most all his family, all three of his sibs, me for a while, my mom, and his dad has very little contact. His mom is dead, the only person he treated with respect. AND you're lucky you're taking care of your self at such a very young age, I pretty much destroyed my life in the 39 yrs I was unmedicated. I have suffered it since childhood, dxd at 25, and didn't medicate for real until I was 39. I'll be 41 in Nov., so you can avoid dong the horrible things I have done, so think about that!
How did you do yesterday? did you get through it ok? How did you sleep? How are you doing today?
Look forward to hearing from you, until then, take care of yourself!
Well, yesterday was a very stressful day, but we did have some fun, and i did get soem things done. I made it through, and had a blast once the stress was over. THings just kept piling up. I have no idea how i got everything done, and that has been a trend for three or four days now. Oh well. I made it.
Im going insane this morning, I dont understnad. I slept last ngiht, i did. I didnt dream, i slept. and i woke up mad, but i was fine, just mad the alarm went off. But i cant do this. im insane...i dont know why, i dont understnad whats in my head. i am so depressed, but i cant manifest it most the tim, i need to get things done, but i avoid it and it drives me over the edge.
i cried and hyperventilated for ten minutes in the shower today. for no reason. i dont know why. im going crazy. i dont know what to do or how ot deal with this. Its five in the morning here...i have to leave in 20 minutes. Im still crying. i want to thrwo up. I dont know how i will get through the day. i just want to curl up in my ball and die. Nothing helps. i dont know who im kidding when i tell myself a nother day will pass and i will get better. we all know we dont get better. not like other people think.
im so sick of htis. im sick of putting on a show. i dont know what to do or who to go to. a break wont help...i dont know what will. im insane.
what do i do? i hate being this way.
sorry for the depressed post. i jsut dont know what else to do. and the world is sleeping where i am...so i cant do anythin anyway.
Rock, honey do not go to work today, you can't. sounds like you're having a panic attack. Call your doc immediately, have him paged. Dont worry about pissing him off, just do it, get some help TODAY right now, tell him exactly what you told us and let us know what happeed, ok?