hey to anyone who reads this thread. & Thank you
Learning yourself is a strange process. I grew up thinking i was depressed and got over emotional at times that felt unlike me, like when i had suffered an injustice i would go beserk to show the world the lie. I was very determined and was a ball of emotional chaos, but if i needed to appear like i was not in chaos for meetings, i could channel all my energy to be a highly perceptive, mythodically thinking, calm individual, then minutes after it i'd be either suicidal in worry or bouncing offthe walls i did well, and then crash later. I make a lot of assumptions which i make fact in my head. And i cannot sleep, or eat,neglect myself, and will go between great worry and overthinking, to just lying on my bed shaking in fear for hours. I have to do things, i can hold back, talk to a load of people on why its a bad choice, then do it. I still follow law, and at my core i'm still decent and honest, but i f i need to know the answer of a question only the head of a crime syndicate knew, i WOULD find a way to get there to ask my question.
I have been through a lot, from seeing my girlfriend run down, abused by a friend, a virus that took all my skin at the end after a lengthy quarantine, had 2 abusive relationships. But what saddens me are the friends i have lost in either depression from these things, or when i cannot cope and go all over the place. And i could be down for a year. but being anxious,like when i used to walk early to work as i'd know i'd have to pace to build the cofidence to walk in. but once in i cpould be the life and soul if i'm not in a bad place. Highly charismatic and wit. But over the traumas and how i looked into the evil of mankind as it interested me my humour has become something to help me, but knows no line for right or wrong. It was like when i used to not be able to take my problems to work or my work fears home. I could not seperate from my emotional state, but i did know how to test water with my humour, now its just part of my everyday thinking and speaking.
Anyway i should hurry on.... LAst year i had a breakdown, a massive one, i'd shattered my wrist, lost a girl who expected the impossible when i couldn't do it (i am best out of it but she did deep damage when i was vulnerable) i was sent to a volunteer place to cheer up and help my arm learn to do things through the pain. but that place i loved and all the broken people loved me, and i came out my shell to my usual self. which is so loud, offensive, but i'm always there laughing. The place made out i was an alcoholic inconsiderate therpay undoing monster. And i pride myself on being a kind person, and felt this was a place i was welcome after a fragile history of loss & rejection.
At the time i went mad, and during it i was pulled in and told i was manic. i din't quite follow, but they asked lots of questions, and they made me see, i get far too happy and too sad over small things and life is hard for me, and i break a lot. That was a year ago, last november. They gave me anti-psychotics - sondate Xl 400mg and therapy
The therapy has been going over the traumas, and i really forgot all about this mania thing, it happened as they attacked me and although i was everywhere i felt it had to happen. But about 6 weeks ago i met a girl, and we hit it off, then after 2 great dates and sex, she starts blowing hot and cold, there are starange boundaries on how we touch (turns out she was a germophobe against kissing and found hugging constrictive) but wasn't very forward at the time about it, and whe i was with her i was callm, witty, but at home i was going mad, felt like i was trapped in my own swirling skin, and my being was alive, every atom hyper frenzied. Then she took a break for space, which i knew was coming, when it happened i said cool, then i went insane. i had started taking meds down with alcohol just to get rest, and thought the girl i liked hated me and her/my friend was sabotaging it. amongst other crazy things. I was determined to have a convo with her, it was all i could think about and every so often, after endlessly talking this over again and again with anyone who would listen and chat on facebook/text/depression forums and chats, that said dion't, i did. & i take information on well when not in these episodes. and i had a need to send her questions, and i would resist or talk to others why not to, but over the day word perfect it and still sent it. i had to. it was like self cutting. this final outburst building over time to do something. to not do it just sent me far more manic
This essentially was the first time i did one of these (and i've had these a lot i just didnt know what they were) but after it was on my radar, for a year i'd forgotten they wrote that. i have been working with the ptsd. But i just stopped after a few weeks. i realised i'd lost the girl and just came back to earth. Since then i can only replay things and where i was just... not there thinking clearly, and how badly i messed up something. I am trying to see this girl was bad for me. but my real worry is, i did this over a girl with aspergers last year, is that i'm just gonna drop this, and when i play it over in my head i was beside myself and i hadnt even begun to address something was wrong, it wasn't until AFTER downing meds with alcohol in hope of coping that i realised.. something isn't right
I'm basically terrified, and knowing i destroyed something in a place where i really wasn't myself.
I'm just wondering if anyone has any knowledge, understanding, tips or anything for me.
its just freaked me to know, i was so not myself, unable to grab the reins even when i at times could see how bad i all was.. & that I just that i couldn't take control
any advice would be loved
- Chris x