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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 12/8/2005 9:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Ive always known that I was diffrent.  Ive always been super antisocial and yet when I felt like being social I would do crazy, impulsive, obsessive things to people I wanted to befreind and scare them away.  Ive been like that since child hood.  I abused my self and punished my self physially since I was 10 years old.  Teenage years were very harsh.  Things got better for months though at a peroid where my child was all most 1 but then I got pregnant again and things just went down hill from there.  When she was born every thing just fell apart inside for me.  Im feeling crazier than Ive ever felt, excpet when Im at work, there every things ok, I dont understand it.  Sex is a big hate issue in my life.  My husband is all most a sex addict.  Unlike a lot of bi-polar people, I dont have huge impulses to have sex.  I all most hate sex except some times I do feel like it would be fun.  Every time im with my husband I feel guilty for not being great in bed.  When its over I all most cant help but cry, I dont know why.  I just feel overwhelmed with guilt.  I feel like Im being used but my husband is my husband and he isnt a jerk, I cant understand why I feel this way. 
One momoent I can be flying through the house, chaceing my son, screaming with enjoyment and we are laughing and playing carrying on like the world will never end and something small, just a little bit stressfull will happen and I will completley turn and  I will scream at him like a banshee.  I can see the confusion on his face and it twists from laughter to pain and embaressment.  I cant stand how I made him feel.  I will appologise to him like a mad man and then I will feel so guilty. 
I want to talk to him but talking to people in person about deep things in my personality throughs me into a panic attacks and I parlize.  I do have an appointment with a social worker but how am I going to talk to her when I cant even talk to my own nice husband?  Its not untill the 20th so you guys are going to have to help me because I just dont know what to do untill then.

Post Edited By Moderator (Ellie 1) : 12/8/2005 8:54:46 PM (GMT-7)

Ellie 1
Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 12/8/2005 11:18 PM (GMT -6)   
I understand the irritability. I too, have moments where i just fly off the handle. The other day my teen daughter was looking for something and took it upon herself to empty out the entire bottom of my closet (you'd have to see this closet to understand the scope of the mess, organized I'm not) When I went into my room there was stuff wall to wall, my floor, rocker, bed and my daughters toddler bed were all covered with assorted junk. I just went nuts. I know the neighbors thought I had lost my mind for real. I think maybe for a minute there I did. But I caught myself. Pulled back and walked away.
I don't spank my kids, but I do yell sometimes and I feel guilty for not being June Cleaver. (old tv show, you may be too young to catch that) It's hard being a parent at the best of times but when your emotions are up and down with bp and you're trying to be a wife and parent it can be so overwhelming.
I've found it useful to stand in the shower when I feel like I'm drowning with the kids. It's one place I can be alone, usually, (my 2 year old cares nothing for boundries.) I've had some really squeaky clean days. Posting here helps too. Many of us here are parents. Sometimes I sit on my front porch with the baby gate closed at the top of the stairs but the front door open so I can still see my 2 year old. Breathing room is often the key.
Are you seeing a pdoc or gp for this? On any meds? If you're feeling really out of control and in a place in time where you are a danger to yourself or others DO NOT WAIT until the 20th. Get help immediately. You are important and your family needs you. You must take care of yourself to take care of them. It sounds as though you are walking a very fine line. Make sure you don't fall.
Take care and God Bless

Post Edited (Ellie 1) : 12/8/2005 10:40:56 PM (GMT-7)

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