Mother-in-law with Bi-Polar

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LearningAsIGo
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2017
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/23/2017 1:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi,

I need some advice. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married over 3. His mother was diagnosed with Bi-polar manic depression about 6 years ago. She has episodes where she sees and hears things that are not real. She completely loses track of reality and becomes completely paranoid. We originally thought that was part of her bi-polar (still don't completely understand what is causing it), but we have figured out that she takes a barbiturate for her migraines that might be effecting her medicine schedule. She can be completely normal for months at a time, and then go completely off without a warning. The episodes last about 2 weeks to a month, depending on her medicine compliance. In May her husband/care taker passed away. My husband immediately moved in with her and began taking care of her. I tried to live there as well, but she would take everything out on me. She didn't want me there because she wanted all his attention, so I moved back home. He lived there for 7 months and finally moved back a month ago when I told him I could no longer live that way. My opinion is that you create a new family when you get married, and I would never ask him to completely abandon his mother, but your first priority is your wife. He feels responsible for her and like I am able to care for myself. I have asked him to either move her closer to us, so that we can care for her together or move her to assisted living if she truly cannot be alone. He moved home about a month ago and last night she had her first episode without him living there. He is now saying he has to move back and I can either go with him or we can divorce (not exact words, but the basic meaning). I don't think it's a good idea to live there with the way she treats me. We would not have our own space. We are a younger couple and have not had kids yet. I am worried that we wouldn't be able to have a family living there because it wouldn't be safe or healthy for them. I don't know how to explain to my husband that he is not responsible for his mother and her actions. We have a duty to make sure she is safe and cared for, but that is really it. She has to want to comply with her meds and be healthy. She manipulates him and plays on his emotions, so I feel like I cannot get through to him. Am I wrong to not want to live there? Any suggestions on how to move forward? How can I get through to him?

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4384
   Posted 1/24/2017 8:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi LearningAsIGo,

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry for what you are going through. Taking care of someone who is Bipolar can be a handful at times. Being as this is your hubby's mom, he may feel responsible knowing that it is his mother. I guess everyone is different, but I know some people who feel the need to take care of their parents while others don't. It is nice that he is there for her. However, he may need to balance things between you and his mom.

Is it possible for you to talk to your hubby when he is calm and let him know how you feel about everything? You mentioned that you stayed there for a while but your MIL was not nice to you... Let him know that you have tried staying there is the past but it did not work out.
If you think things are rocky, maybe you can seek some counselling for the both of you, especially since you are a young couple.

I hope things will get better for you. Please know that we are here for you. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19782
   Posted 1/29/2017 1:23 AM (GMT -6)   
mil has him well and truly by the nuts and is deliberately keeping him close, and she does not give a toss about you. there is helping, but seven months? even a daily district nurse could be arranged, easily. she wants him........, get him home or he's gone.
THE HAPPY TURTLE.

A QUOTE FROM THE HAPPY TURTLE THAT REFLECTS ME.

"COMPLEXITY IS MY WAY OF EXPRESSING MY NEEDS IN A MANNER THAT IS NEITHER DESTRUCTIVE, NOR NEGATIVE"
'

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 2/1/2017 5:58 PM (GMT -6)   
You say:

"In May her husband/care taker passed away. My husband immediately moved in with her and began taking care of her. I tried to live there as well, but she would take everything out on me. She didn't want me there because she wanted all his attention, so I moved back home."

Uh, my mother was like that with my wife. She was jealous of my wife, and tried to get us to move in with her. My mom was also a crackpot, certified, and also had no social life except for me and my wife, because she was a crackpot.

When that didn't work, she would just drive up in our driveway every weekend. When she was told she needed to call first, she would call and say she had something important to bring over to our house, and she would bring over a piece of garbage.

I can tell you, I didn't do a real good job with that. I felt like I was swimming up stream. It was a constant deluge of reasons why she had to come over, and you just knew she was dying because she had nothing to do.

Then when she got here, she would pester the heck out of everybody, and try to destroy everyone.

You don't mention children, so hip-hip horray! You're one of the lucky ones. He gets out of his matrimonial duties, you get to get the heck out of the house and the marriage. What could be better than that.

You say, " I don't think it's a good idea to live there with the way she treats me. We would not have our own space. We are a younger couple and have not had kids yet. I am worried that we wouldn't be able to have a family living there because it wouldn't be safe or healthy for them."

Your problem is you have to much common sense. It gets in the way of realizing what you should do.

I see where you say you have no children, but might be considering such. I think you are extremely lucky that this situation happened before you had children.

The worse thing in the whole world would be for this to have happened after you had a child or two. Gosh. What a nightmare that would have been. Many husbands or wives choose to abuse their spouses after their first child is born, it happened with me.

Then you may want to leave your spouse, but don't want to leave your child, or have the child in a one-parent home and have the visitation on weekends stuff, or something.

That's when you're stuck. You're not stuck. In a way you are, but not like I and a lot of other people are.

My advice, don't have any children. Don't even have sex. You might have a child. You can't risk it. I would keep him 10 feet away, because you might have a child, and there you are with mom, for the benefit of the child. I love it.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19782
   Posted 2/5/2017 4:39 AM (GMT -6)   
tim tam, seriously? i hope your post is edited.
THE HAPPY TURTLE.

A QUOTE FROM THE HAPPY TURTLE THAT REFLECTS ME.

"COMPLEXITY IS MY WAY OF EXPRESSING MY NEEDS IN A MANNER THAT IS NEITHER DESTRUCTIVE, NOR NEGATIVE"
'

clo2014
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2015
Total Posts : 678
   Posted 2/5/2017 5:03 PM (GMT -6)   
tim tam,

Wow.....

This is a support forum. Support Forum.... It's some place people go to get positive constructive ideas on how to deal with an issue.

Clo
06/12-07/14 symptoms start, no diagnosis.12/14 diagnosed UC & diverticulitis. 01/15 hosp- fistulas, DX changed to Crohns, 02/15 developed new skin rashes, eye problems and painful joints 06/15 Hosp.2x again.. new specialist.Said was worse case he's seen. 7/16 hosp 5mm Stricture stricturplasty to 15 mm.09/16 colostomy. Meds: Remicade, methtrexate, prednison,folic acid, vit D, calcium, pro biotic,

clo2014
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2015
Total Posts : 678
   Posted 2/5/2017 5:15 PM (GMT -6)   
LearninasIgo,

You have a large amount of time invested in your relationship. Depending on your MIL's insurance and financial situation she may be elgible for someone to come in and help with her meals and meds. Then perhaps your spouse could call her daily and visit her weekly or biweekly. Just some thoughts.

When I am dealing with my spouse I always make myself think "How would I want this resolved with my family member?" It helps me and occasionally I change my thought process.

Best of luck,

Clo
06/12-07/14 symptoms start, no diagnosis.12/14 diagnosed UC & diverticulitis. 01/15 hosp- fistulas, DX changed to Crohns, 02/15 developed new skin rashes, eye problems and painful joints 06/15 Hosp.2x again.. new specialist.Said was worse case he's seen. 7/16 hosp 5mm Stricture stricturplasty to 15 mm.09/16 colostomy. Meds: Remicade, methtrexate, prednison,folic acid, vit D, calcium, pro biotic,

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4384
   Posted 2/9/2017 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Tim Tam, I e-mailed you about this already. You may not see it, but your posts are harsh and not supportive. People come here for our support. If you read a post and you cannot be supportive, I would suggest that you do not respond.

Please read the 'about' section where you will find what type of forum HW is:
www.healingwell.com/aboutus.aspx

LearningAsIGo, I apologize for Tim's post. I hope you would still post and we have many other supportive members.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 2/9/2017 10:15 AM (GMT -6)   
UA:

I have not read the "about Us" part of HealingWell so I do appreciate your letting me know about that.

I've just now copied it below.

You say, "Tim Tam: I e-mailed you about this already. You may not see it, but your posts are harsh and not supportive. People come here for our support. If you read a post and you cannot be supportive, I would suggest that you do not respond."

OK, here below also is part of my reply to "LearningAsIGo"

------------------------

"You don't mention children, so hip-hip horray! You're one of the lucky ones. He gets out of his matrimonial duties, you get to get the heck out of the house and the marriage. What could be better than that."

In some ways, I realize that is very over the top. In other ways, that is simply the way I react. I over react. There is also a lot of anger in my self and in my responses. I find myself angry at the person who I feel is mistreating the person who wrote in.

Or, I find myself angry at the person who wrote in who I feel is not doing the right thing. Either way there is anger.

That is difficult to take out of me. In this case of "LearningAsIGo", she said her husband immediately abandoned her and ran to aid and live with his ill mother.

Well, who do you pull for here? The wife who was abandoned or the husband who left the wife to live with his sick mother? I've taken the side of the wife. Others can say, I think hubby is right to leave the wife and live with his sick mother. I've got no problem with someone taking his side.

So, if someone then says, you can't take the side of the wife, then I can't figure out what we're supposed to be doing here. I feel in some ways I'm simply standing up for the one who is being wronged.

Yeah, I do that with vigor. I take great joy in taking up for the person who I feel is being wronged. And while the "about Us" says we should support those who write in, I feel that is support.

If I'm being wronged, I want someone who encourages me to defend myself, to see about the possibility of getting out of situations that are offensive, which still leaves the door open for staying in situations which are offensive. It's up to them.

In a way, I am simply mirroring what, in this case, "LearningAsIGo", is saying. She said about living at her husband's mother's house:

"I don't think it's a good idea to live there with the way she treats me. We would not have our own space. We are a younger couple and have not had kids yet. I am worried that we wouldn't be able to have a family living there because it wouldn't be safe or healthy for them."

So, she's saying, it wouldn't be safe for any children they might decide to have to live at her husband's mother's.

Whoa! Looking after the kids, that's me. See, I'm thinking of any kids they may have one day. She says, it wouldn't be "safe or healthy."

So, I'm supporting these possible future kids. What's wrong with that? I'm agreeing with the woman who wrote in, and also agreeing with her about any future kids.

(See, the future health and safety of any future children is not a long term illness, as talked about in the "about Us at Healing Well" (below). Abuse is a separate category not mentioned in "about Us."

I don't know what more I can do. I don't know what more I would want to do. Stand up for adults who are not associated with this problem in any way? Is that what we're recommending here?

I do believe that. As I said in my email to UA, I don't see how I can change. Wishing them all a good day? Tell somebody who cares? What am I supposed to do?"

I do see the side of whomever. I'm just a loose cannon on the ship of state. I do understand that. My dad was like I am, and he got in a lot of trouble by not being a team player. I think is what they say.

I've gotten in a lot of trouble in the same way, it's just our different way of acting and thinking. It's not necessarily better, it just different.

It usually doesn't fit in, and aren't we glad?


--------------------

(Some of these people are not writing in about long term illnesses [below].They're writing in about being abused, or in dire need of help for depression, etc. --Tim Tam)

Healing Well: about Us

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--------------------

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41709
   Posted 2/9/2017 11:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Learning,

It sounds like your MIL has schizophrenia, I may have spelled that wrong. There are medications to help with that. I think the assisted living is a good thought. That way you and your husband can be together.

I don't blame you for not wanting to live with her. But if she saw a psychiatrist and got on the proper medication it might not be as bad. Either way a proper diagnosis is in order.

My mother was schizophrenic and she heard voices. It was very difficult living with her. So I know what you are going through.

Keep posting, it helps. There are a lot of people here that care about you.

I hope that things get better with your MIL.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19782
   Posted 2/11/2017 4:14 AM (GMT -6)   
does sound like a schizo type disorder. ie, schizophrenia, but sounds very similar to schizo-affective disorder. keep well and keep posting.
do not feed the humans!!!
'
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