Bipolar wife wants a divorce

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palisade
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/28/2017 2:20 PM (GMT -6)   
My wife of 25 years has now become this different person and insists on getting a divorce. Every year since we have been married, my wife goes through this rage around August/September. I usually get caught off guard and sucked into her argument over something very petty and then she turns on the devil. The eyes Flash open wide and the demands that this will happen are only the warning that something wicked this way comes. Her logic makes no sense. She usually uses one of the 2 kids as a pawn in the argument. She becomes vicious and attacks until something stops her. Usually, and what has evolved is I lie with conviction that i will leave her and she will stop me and for the next 2 hours this game is played out. Finally, she will apologize with tears and I will spend the next week building her back up, telling her how great she is. 2 years ago this only took about 10 minutes because she lost our house (of course she has always had to be in control of the finances) She had raged out mentioned something and I brought up the house and magically it was over. However, this past year was our 2nd year living with her mom (76 yrs old needs help/mom owns the house) Things at my work had finally settled down. I was actually happy for a change. Then she drew me off guard into an argument (I'm an Idiot) and she raged out. Well, I went to do the normal except this time her suspected bipolar mom decided she was going to get involved. I started packing a suitcase which I rarely ever had to do. But her mom was giving her opinions, giving her strength and support. I actually had to go to my brother's rundown house hoping that would pull her out. No phone call. Came back the next day, she is just as viscous as the night before. then she goes back to attacking my son (verbally attacking arguing manipulating or as i call it bipolaring). Fast forward 6 months, My wife is still as viscous as the day we argued, but she and her mom have taken my key and told me not to return have taken my paycheck, she doesn't work (lost her job 11 times for 6 months or more in 25 years 5 more times she quit for legitimate reasons 6 months or more) she filed for divorce, has tried to have me thrown in jail, may have me thrown in jail next time because this judgement has me paying well more than I make. when I finally got her to talk to me after 4 months she said she was guarded and couldn't trust me. Unfortunately, I had to sacrifice any relationship with my 2 kids just to keep her target on me. I had to follow her conversations to figure that one out. 2 months now no incidents with the kids. Before that she was all over my son. This is uncharted territory for me. Added background - she always has some self-centered need in her actions, hasn't cheated on me yet, says she is working on her doesn't love me anymore, we argue all the time (we only argued once a year when she raged) said I checked out (was not emotionally involved) could be a tiny bit of truth to that one. For a year up to the argument I had to referee between her and the kids, deal with her mom (her mom hated me for 25 years) and keep from loosing my job. Naturally, I was worn out after all that and teaching 9th grade English. Also she complained of the depression for no reason, couldn't sleep, or tired after sleeping or felt just fine after staying up for 36 hours (freaky). Showed a lot of ambivalence in conversations (I want you to have a relationship with the kids but prevents that from happening) mood swings were more long term. 100s of unfinished projects.

My question
She is not diagnosed as anything. After 135 hours of research, I strongly feel she has Bipolar Affective Disorder in manic phase with delusions (psychosis). Does that sound right?
There have been inconsistencies, but I know people vary.
Also, since this is seasonal based, is it possible for her to come out of this anytime soon?
Will she be apologetic for what she has done?
Thanks to anyone who may spare their time.

cilly
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 2/28/2017 11:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the forum Palisade,

I can understand how you feel right now and you had enough of drama of it all.
You have kids in the picture ,try to get joint custody if you can.
Also you might know symptoms of partner but until she realizes you are wasting your time by reading about bipolar and psychosis.(sorry to be rude)

Fighting for no reason sounds lame but the drama attracts them.
You cannot cure her overnight ,she needs medication and counseling .
Sad part is they are relationship deranged meaning to cannot have emotional feelings stable for one person.
Its extremely hard for normal or regular ppl to be in relationship with them.
It will drive you insane.
As in my case.
My ex drove me to insanity as i loved and pitied him.but i realized sooner not later i was fighting for a lost cause.
To a point he got intensely brutal in summer.
Longer daytime has effect on mania but i have not done much research.
I was tired and wanted my well being so separated.

Anyways ,take out time for yourself and try to go for counseling if you can.
Please take care of yourself and kids.

In way i want to offend this platform but it has helped me immensely for my self care.

We are listening and good luck!!
Cilly

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4381
   Posted 3/1/2017 6:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi palisade,

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry for everything that you are going through. How old are your kids. Your main focus now should be on your kids and yourself. Ensure that your kids are safe.

Have you tried talking to her about visiting a psychiatrist? Only a psychiatrist will be able to diagnose someone with Bipolar after conducting an evaluation. However, she must be willing to accept help. If she is not willing to get and accept help, there is not much anyone can do.

I would suggest you focus on yourself and your kids. As Cilly suggested, counselling would be helpful for you as well.

I hope things will get better for you. Please know that we are here for you.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

palisade
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/1/2017 10:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the replies. Your support has been very welcome. I can't do anything with the kids because she has ruined our credit so bad that I can't even get an apartment. Her mom owns the house we were living in because she lost our house. To make matters worse she was able to get a court order to take my paycheck with a judgement that requires me to pay a 400 car note, 250 phone bill, 500 to her attorney, 1100 alimony, and 1119 child support every month. I only make 2700 a month and she hasn't worked since before her episode. She tried to have me thrown in jail last week for not being able to make payments. But as far as the kids I had to sacrifice that relationship to protect them. When I wasn't her target, she had my 16 year old son throw in jail and sent to the psych ward. He jumped out the car at 40mph just to get away from her. He may be bipolar too. My 11yr old daughter was okay at the time. She is like me, but she stresses a lot. My wife has laid into her too. Many times though my daughter has told my wife to go to the hottie place and walked off when my wife lays into her. But I didn't know how long that would last. Ultimately, I had to lie to my wife and kids and tell them I didn't want a relationship with the kids. That took a lot of reading what my wife was saying and paying attention to what was going on. I never can be sure. But for 2 months now I haven't gotten any calls from the kids about their mom, and she hasn't called me about them. Quite the opposite. They are doing good. It's a cross between a united front and my wife's focus on me as a target. Did I want this? Never!!! My children are my world but reading the situation and knowing what has worked in the past, I really had no choice.

As far as getting her to see a psychiatrist, I have begged her and she said she would, but as most of us know I'm more likely to run across a poker playing, cigar smoking unicorn with a foot fetish than a manic in psychosis that feels they need to go see a doctor.

The sad part about all of this is that we've been married for 25 years, 25 long years, and nothing like this has ever happened. Now I'm not saying all the warning signs weren't just sitting right there in front of me the whole time. But the being a totally different person thing (delusional) has blown my mind. It's like she wants to be married to her mom and I'm this terrible person who has been the worst husband. Her mom is probably bipolar. I can't quite figure out her mom. I know her dad didn't believe in ADHD, Bipolar disorder, or anything else. He was a great guy but a little closed minded. That's why her mom probably went 76 years without being diagnosed. Point is her mom is 50% of the problem. Her mom keeps giving her opinions about what my wife should do, she's paying for her divorce, constantly giving these false opinions about me to feed my wife's delusions. So basically, I'm fighting a unwinnable battle against a disease, 2 outside influences that keep rewriting the past, the courts, my children, and my finances. Yet I still think I can win. And I have the audacity to call my manic wife delusional.

Oh, every time I text or communicate in any way she just doesn't respond. I hate that. Then she will lie and say "Oh I don't sit around with my phone next to me all day."Knowing that she actually does do this but doesn't answer out of spite, I replied one time "why not, that's what I'm paying you for." I got no reply of course.

Above was to respond to your replies and also I liked the relationship deranged comment.
Also, I guess I could add a few more observations if it helps to further identify if I'm on the right track. Obviously, only a psychiatrist can diagnose this, but it helps me if I know what I'm dealing with.
My only concern is with mania, she doesn't seem to be hyper just very angry, like cyclone bag of hornets angry been that way for 6 months. The rapid speech I have heard but not a lot. And with Bipolar affective disorder my wife seems to go into manic in the fall and would that be depression in the spring? Is this correct?
Her delusions are minor and only involve me. I never saw anything in the research on that. Had to find it on forums and from coworkers. Additionally, her logic makes no sense at all. By the way she has the no working memory and hypothyroidism.

If anyone knows of any good sites that are research based or written by psychiatrists please let me know.I hope what I have listed has been helpful to others because I'm really good at researching and this has been one crappy topic to search.

Post Edited (palisade) : 3/1/2017 9:37:09 AM (GMT-7)


UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4381
   Posted 3/1/2017 11:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi palisade,

You have a lot on your plate right now. I would strongly suggest therapy for yourself. It will help you to cope with things. I know finances may be tough. If there any public hospitals or churches where you will get to talk to a counsellor free?
Not sure what area you are from, but in some places there are hotlines you can call and speak to someone free. It is very helpful.

I am sorry that you had to let go of the relationship with your kids. Try to focus on you and then mend the relationship with your kids so you can get back close to them.

Check out our resources area for more information on various illness and disorders:
www.healingwell.com/conditions/

Below are some useful link that are in our resources area:
/moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/pages/tip-99-coping-skills.aspx

I hope these will be helpful to you.

Thinking of you. Keep checking in and let us know how you are doing.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

palisade
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/2/2017 2:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the reply. I get free counseling through work. Fortunately, I have been really good at compartmentalizing. I just don't think about it. being on adderall also helps, well for us ADHD people it does. But when it wears off, the loneliness does set in because we haven't divorced yet. I am stuck in this limbo of what if she calls and apologizes for all the crap she has done to me and our family. As long as she hasn't cheated on me I would have to take her back. That's part of the package deal. But then on the other side of the coin, none of that even looks remotely feasible. It is 3/2/17 and although my faith has not been shaken, my reality has been shattered. I did everything a person can do to get back a normal wife. Even though I knew all a long she wasn't normal. People don't just change personalities with the blink of an eye. No joke a blink of an eye, 1 tenth of a second. 1 tenth of a second was how long it took for her to change from my wife to my mortal enemy. I also did what has kept her from going into manic for 25 years, but her mom has an enormous persuasion over her. And I'm the only one that realizes she has Bipolar affective in manic psychosis. After more than 6 months of this you think, it's seasonal, we have an early spring it has been more than 6 months, it's bipolar (what goes up must come down). But bam, I see her in court and she is madder than a nest of hornets. I want to move on but this is about the time that she should come out of it. So it's back on the fence. Don't want to move on if I can have my life back. But this limbo crap is the worst.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4381
   Posted 3/6/2017 1:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi palisade,

It sounds like you may have to choose with either moving on without her, or having her back and staying in the same boat.
Only you would be able to assess your current situation and decide what is best for you.

Sometimes we need to leave some relationships behind and move on for our own well-being. I have learned this the hard way after forgiving many times, and things just turn out worst.

I hope you would be able to move on, and things will get better for you.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

palisade
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/20/2017 2:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, for the reply. I used to check my phone all the time hoping she had come out of manic phase, but now I just don't care. I think after all of her attacks and false accusations, I've just gotten to where I want to move on. I had such high hopes with the early onset of spring and the changing of the clocks that she might pull out of it. (she has Bipolar Affective Disorder) But she called the other day to tell me that I was upsetting my daughter by asking my daughter if she wanted to do something over spring break. Then she made more false accusations.
If my wife did phase out and ask me back, I would probably say yes as long as she agreed to go to the doctor and set up legal documentation that made it next to impossible for her to do this to me again. Her mom would have to have strict boundaries too. But baring that, I just as well move on.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4381
   Posted 3/21/2017 6:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Sometimes moving on is the best option and it can be healthy for us. It can be hard, but in the long run, we sometimes realize that it was for a better.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4381
   Posted 3/29/2017 6:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Hope you are doing okay, and things are okay with your and your daughter palisade.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

Kiwibear
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 4/12/2017 1:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Paliaside,
I read your story and you and your family are going through alot of hurt. I empathize and I am sorry for your troubled times and heartache.
I was just recently diagnosed Bipolar 1. Finally a competent medical diagnoses but it was to late to save my marriage and undo the emotional damage that I caused to my x husband and daughter.
With that said, the decision is yours, however your wife's suspected mental illness is driving the family's chaos and perpetuating emotional destruction. Without a medical diagnosis and her acceptance for treatment and being medication compliant, this madness and sadness will continue and get worse. Untreated Bipolar and other mental illnesses get worse, and the individual's mental and physical health become more degenerative.

I really feel sad for you and your family. Document occurences, protect yourself and the kids. Here in Canada if a person exhibits abnormal/threatening etc..behaviours; the police are called. Then the police legally take the person to the hospital. From there, the person is legally FORMED and held for treatment and care. Don't be afraid to call the police on your wife, it would help everyone keep safe. Please take care.

Ljm2014
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2014
Total Posts : 2043
   Posted 4/23/2017 12:17 AM (GMT -6)   
I know a family going through the bi polar thing..there does not seems to be a way for them to be together..the woman will not take her meds and no one can deal with her when she does not..

As your kids get older , they will have more of a say in their own lives and will need you. Most kids will not deal with all that over the long term..

Keep yourself together for them in the long term. See if you can get those terms renegotiated...the judges are nuts...
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