New here...I'm scared, but I'm marrying him in a week no matter what...

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BlueDragonfly71
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/21/2017 1:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, all.

I am marrying my fiancee in a week. He is diagnosed bipolar and is un-medicated. He also has a gambling problem, which we work very hard on a daily basis to keep under control. We have been through quite a bit in our time together, and it hasn't been easy. I know full well it isn't going to just be gone one day...it's going to be a part of our life together for the duration. But what we have together is so very worth it. What I see in him is so absolutely amazing that I can't even express it.

I myself suffer from depression and PTSD. I'm not convinced that I'm not undiagnosed bipolar, but without seeing a professional, I'll refrain from going down that rabbit trail.

I thought since I'm embarking on this with 100% of my heart and conscious of what he and I are facing, it might be good to seek out a support system that I can turn to when things get tough. And this seems like a great place to find that.

Our wedding is a week from tomorrow on April 29. I'm excited, I'm nervous, and I'm scared that bipolar will end up destroying us. But I'm saying I do regardless, because that's what my heart is telling me is the right decision.

So, hello, and hopefully I can offer support to everyone here as well. To the best of my ability.

Have a beautiful weekend, and thank you for taking the time to read what this rambling mess of anxiety has going through her mind.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1026
   Posted 4/21/2017 2:59 PM (GMT -6)   
It's good that you reached out for help.

I'm also bipolar who takes 700 mg. Lithium, which helps lift the depression, and helps reduce the mania. I also take 7.5 mg. of Mirtazapine for depression.

You say, "I am marrying my fiancee in a week. He is diagnosed bipolar and is un-medicated"

I went for many years without meds when I was younger, 25-35 range, and had a job most of that time.

As I got older, say around 40, the mental illness increased, and I found it more difficult to keep a job, and in between jobs, the illness would be worse.

You said were depressed and might be bipolar. mayoclinic.org says sings of mania are:

Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired; Increased activity, energy or agitation; Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria); Decreased need for sleep; Unusual talkativeness

Racing thoughts; Distractibility; Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments

If you go in for a diagnosis, and you go in depressed, you may be diagnosed as depressed, and you could be bipolar.

There are many examples, and some on this forum from just the last 5 or 6 days, where patients are diagnosed as depressed, with no questions asked about, "Do you ever have racing thoughts?"

Meaning, you might be, as you say, bipolar, but the psychiatrist might not ask about that. If you're miss-diagnosed, you'll also be miss medicated, and you won't be getting any help.

I've just recently learned from the net, that if you diagnosed as depressed, you'll be given an anti-depressant, which could throw you into mania, and panic attacks.

Without the Lithium, or equivalent, to calm down the mania, you could have problems. I'm just saying, if you go in depressed, and you have a list of examples of mania, which you think you might have, I would show those examples to the psychiatrist.

I wouldn't assume the doctor is going to ask about if you have mania.

Your situation sounds like the one my now deceased wife and I entered into many year ago.

She had a mental illness and I did, too. We started out OK, but our illnesses did come into play and things got pretty rough.

One of my advices would be, I would be for holding off having a child right off the bat. I would give it as much time as you're able to see how this works. Living together can be tough enough, and with mental illnesses involved, it can be tougher than that.

It's good that you are seeking a support system. I didn't seek out something like this for many years, I didn't know there were such places.

I would urge you to stay positive. One saying that has helped me is, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."

BlueDragonfly71
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/21/2017 3:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much for your reply! I've just recently gotten health insurance, so I'll be heading to get help soon. Once we're married, I'll add him on and keep trying to convince him to come with me.

I've lived with my depression successfully thus far, with only small bouts of mania that have come usually during times of high stress, based on what you've written.

As far as children; he has a medical issue that makes that highly unlikely, as well as my age (45). What I rely on is staying calm and focused and reassuring him during episodes that we're going to be ok, that I'm not going to run away and leave him like his family has, and that I truly do love him and choose to be with him.

I tend to be a positive person, but sometimes that's tougher than I'd like.

We've made it a year through some pretty rough situations, and every time, no matter how hard he pushes me away, I'm still here. Because that's where I want to be. I think I'm doing well so far, but I know that once we're married and we're not just living together as a couple, things will change. That's inevitable. I've spent hours researching bipolar and how I can help him cope with an episode, and I've been able to diffuse several of them. Others, when they're really intense, no so much.

Again, thank you for your response. I already feel welcome here. smile

Kiwibear
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 4/21/2017 5:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome Bluedragonfly71 & congratulations on your up coming wedding. Your obviously a very caring lady and your heart is invested in your fiance's well being. I have a few questions and I would like to share a very similar situation regarding my daughter. Would you mind sharing what specific type of bipolar he was diagnosed with? Also, what is or are his reasons for not taking medication? I was finally diagnosed at the age of 48 and have been constantly misdiagnosed and not properly medicated. It was hell since I was 16, failed marriage, crazy mother to my daughter. Moved 40 times and had just about as many jobs. Fast forward, properly medicated, attend my psychiatrists' appointments once a week and now live on assistance and get help from support workers etc. I also have psychosis features with my bipolar. Prior to treatment, it ravaged every realationship I had.

My daughter is getting married, like yourself. She is marrying an unmedicated diagnosed bipolar as well. He holds down a job and is a social fella. However she said and only briefly, when he has a hard time that it can be freaky and kinda scary. He does have depressive periods from what little she tells me about him. He also smokes pot which brings on psychosis, especially those with mental illness. I worry for her and wish he would take meds.

Your very caring and attentive. Keep up with your supportive network as they will be there for both of you. May your special day full of sunshine and laughter.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19782
   Posted 4/21/2017 8:48 PM (GMT -6)   
for better or for worse, and in sickness and in health i take thee. for once i am proud that someone is not ditchin' the other half!!!

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4384
   Posted 4/24/2017 5:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi BlueDragonfly71,

Welcome to the Bipolar Forum smile!

Congrats to you and your future hubby on your upcoming wedding!

Your future hubby is very lucky to have someone like you. It sounds that you have made up your mind, and your are prepared to stick around through the tough times. I am glad that you are researching it so you will be aware of how things can be. Please feel free to refer to our resources section here where you can get additional information as well. Please be sure to take care of yourself as well. Sometimes it can get tough for you dealing with this or having a partner with Bipolar.

Counseling can help. I would encourage you to pursue this once you get your health insurance.

Please know that we are here for you. I hope the wedding preparations are coming along nicely. I wish you and your future hubby a wonderful happy marriage.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

BlueDragonfly71
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/25/2017 5:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, Kiwibear, I have very little info on his diagnosis. His mother is not forthcoming with details at all, and he doesn't know. He spent time in a facility and that is where he was diagnosed. He tells me that meds never helped, and he simply deals with it himself on a daily basis. I admire his strength for that, because I've seen first hand how it tortures him. He's uninsured, and we really can't afford the care he needs. He was also raised by a woman who believes that modern medicine is bad and can't help. So I'm fighting that battle too. FH (future husband) holds down a job and actually enjoys it. He's social - with his circle of friends. New people...not so much. His anxiety kicks in and things get weird. FH also has a gambling problem which we have under control, but it's done some damage to us financially. He's starting to understand however that I won't turn tail and run every time he screws up or has an episode.

We obtained our marriage license yesterday, and I colored my hair. Tonight, I finish making my dress. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time, but I know without a doubt that I want this man by my side. Thank you for the warm welcome!

BlueDragonfly71
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/25/2017 5:27 AM (GMT -6)   
theHTreturns...

Absolutely I'll stick by him through whatever comes. We've already faced quite a bit together, and it's not going to get any easier. But he's worth it. I can't imagine my life with anyone else. Thank you for the encouragement!

BlueDragonfly71
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/25/2017 5:32 AM (GMT -6)   
UA -

Thank you for the congrats! I'm a tough girl, and I am not willing to give up the good parts of what he and I share just because the road gets a little rough sometimes. I have a few friends with bipolar who are always there for me when things get ramped up, and I'm sure this forum will help too. I do a fair job at taking care of myself; he makes sure of it. He is constantly focused on my well-being even at the expense of his own. We're working on that.

We obtained our marriage license yesterday, and tonight I finish making my dress and some of the final details. We're a very non-traditional couple, and the wedding will be no exception. We are going to be a surprise. The wedding will take place during the last set of a rock concert Saturday night. Our friends know, but the other people who just come for the concert won't. It will be something special, for sure. He's a musician and a promoter here in Indy, so a concert seemed the ideal setting for us. Plus, I wanted our wedding to be all about him - he's amazing, and I would love to help him realize it and see it some day.

Thank you for the welcome and the well-wishes!

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4384
   Posted 4/25/2017 6:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like preparations are coming along good.

The wedding arrangements sounds amazing. A wedding at the last set of a rock concert. Sweet!!! I am excited for you.
Rock on BlueDragonfly71 smile
Make sure to take plenty pictures. Capture those moments.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

BlueDragonfly71
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/25/2017 1:48 PM (GMT -6)   
UA - the photographer I've hired regularly shoots bands at this venue, so I know he's amazing, and tons of pics will be taken, I am positive. Plus, a local band that broke up three years ago and hasn't been playing is coming out of retirement for this one night just for us, because future hubby is a big part of the local music scene.

Now, today, a coworker gifted me with an all expense paid night at a 5-star hotel downtown for Saturday night. Things are really shaping up. He's pretending to be calm, but I'm betting he is just as nervous and worked up as I am. I can't focus on a thing, and the idea that it's only 4 more days is surreal!

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19782
   Posted 4/25/2017 11:30 PM (GMT -6)   

BlueDragonfly71
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/26/2017 5:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Short update; he blew the engine in his car last night, and it's 100% his fault for not taking care of his car. He's on the verge of an episode, and will most likely lose his job because of it. He blames me, and says he doesn't want to marry now. We will see how things are today, but last night he was in no mood to communicate. *sigh* I wish I could do more for him than just wait for him to work through his thoughts and come back to me, but I can't.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4384
   Posted 4/26/2017 9:27 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry BlueDragonfly.
*Hugs*

Sometimes our loved ones tend to take out their anger and blame us for things, as we as the closest to them. I know this may make you feel down.

This is just a hurdle that you will both get through.
How is he doing today?

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

BlueDragonfly71
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/26/2017 1:58 PM (GMT -6)   
UA...I am indeed fortunate. While he's still not himself, I worked a bit of magic this morning before he got out of bed, and his car was towed to a shop (better than being impounded), a new engine ordered and it will be installed. All courtesy of my dad. Future hubby's family is not very loving towards each other, and he doesn't quite know how to handle mine, because we help each other. I've explained to him that it's my dad's wedding gift to us, and he's just in awe. We'll make it. I know we will. But really - I am so very thankful to have the dad I have. It's turning out to be an ok day so far. I hope your day is going well too.

Kiwibear
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 4/26/2017 5:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello lovely bluedragonfly,

You my friend have an amazing supportive family. Your soon to be hubby will slowly embrace the kindness from your family. A very exhilatering life you have together. Some hiccups and being bipolar myself, irritability shows during a manic and or depressive eposide. Plus both of you have intense scales of emotion going on due to your wedding.
Your hair done, pretty dress and your sunny nature; his heart will be like a marshmallow on your day.

Your a lovely lady with a heart as big as a bucket.
Keep us posted and I wish you well on your day.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4384
   Posted 4/28/2017 6:42 AM (GMT -6)   
You have an amazing dad BlueDragonfly! It was very nice of him to help out. I am glad thing are turning out well. See. Told you it was just a hurdle that you would get through tongue
You having a kind and helping family and contribute positively towards your relationship with your hubby and seeing this may even influence your hubby to be positive.

I guess you must be busy with the wedding being this weekend. Enjoy the concert and have a wonderful rock star wedding! yeah

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4384
   Posted 4/30/2017 9:30 PM (GMT -6)   
BlueDragonfly, hope the wedding went well and you and your hubby are enjoying your honeymoon!

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.
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