Lost in Despair and Irritability

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Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 12/22/2005 3:10 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm just having a terrible week.  Trying to stay upbeat and failing.  My ex is in town.  A very nice guy since he stopped drinking but he drives me nuts and he's staying at the house.  My husband refused to help with christmas for the kids so my ex footed the bill (very nice indeed) I still have no health ins. and my medicaid won't go through for weeks.
I'm trying to manage this with just klonopin.  Sure isn't helping much.  It keeps the irritability down to a minimum but I think its depressing me greatly.  I'm functioning at a very reduced level and feeling awful.  Christmas is usually a magical time of year for me but all I want this year is my abilify back.
Thanks for listening to me vent
Ellie

Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 12/22/2005 3:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh Ellie - I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well and that things have lost their 'sparkle'. You have been through so much in such a short few months. You are so dedicated to trying to help others within this Forum and you deserve a rest. I think of you often and all the things that you've had to face - you are such a strong woman. I guess the saying holds - when it rains it pours. I just hope that when the sun shines again, it will do so soon.

Relationships can be stressful at the best of times, but throw all the holiday bustle in there and they can be just awful. I hope that you'll be able to find some peace soon.

Just wondering if you partake in any kind of religous-type activities over the holidays that might help bring some of the magic back. I was letting myself get sucked into the madness of it all over the last few weeks and then I remembered how much I love heading to church on Christmas Eve and taking in the whole scene and that helped put it all in perspective and bring back the fun. For me, the church part reminds me how insignificant all the other things become - I'm so easily wrapped up in all the stuff that I feel like I "have" to do that I forget the important stuff - friends and family and hopes for a new year.

Take care of yourself and I wish you so much peace and love for the days to come,

Putter

 


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 12/22/2005 3:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Can't even find the energy to do the church thing. I've always been a fairly religious person but I can't cope at all right now. I'm making it from day to day. I have no idea where this came from. I've been doing so well. Now I have to pretend everything is okay because my ex is here and if I don't he'll feel compelled to tell me how to fix it. ie=just get over it. It's like i'm bouncing between manic and depressed several times IN A DAY! I've never had this happen before. I feel awful and I'm in a grumpy mood one moment and singing carols the next. My whole family is confused.
Thanks for replying putter. I know I sound crazy today and I"m probably not making any sense at all.
Take care and have a happy holiday

Rianna
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 366
   Posted 12/22/2005 5:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ellie,

Is there any way you can talk to your Doctor or specialist to see if you can get on something else besides the Klonopin? Maybe do a combo? I know the holidays are a really hard time on a lot of people. I am single and alone..with no family here..it makes for a tough holiday..but I keep telling myself that the "Holidays" are only three days - Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years and that they will be over with soon..we are almost there. I try not to let myself get caught up in all the hype and the holidays have become so commercial now. I am glad that the days are going to start get longer..do you think that some of your symptoms come from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I am going to buy a full spectrum light, to see if that helps, I have heard that it helps a lot of people.

Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 12/22/2005 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Ellie - Please don't feel like you are crazy - it sounds like the BP is in full swing and really having a good go at you. Maybe if you feel up to it, a brisk walk in the daylight might help to shake some of the nasties. I know how impossible it is to think about that when you're low, but if you have an up moment, maybe some activity will help to relax the manic side and sweep away some of the depression. I know that doesn't help right now, but I've been trying to walk on my lunch hours and it has made a big difference for me.

Please don't be hard on yourself and we all know as well as you do, that its not something you can 'just get over'. You sound like you are a busy gal, so maybe just allowing yourself the luxury to relax for a few minutes will give your mind the peace it needs to get through the next few days.

And Rianna has a good point. Maybe when the medicaid kicks in, your dr could suggest something to help keep you level. I remember you said onetime that you are med resistant so that might be easier said than done.

Take care,

Putter


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 12/22/2005 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Just trying to hang on til then. THe anxiety is the worst and the klonopin doesn't seem to be doing much of anything. My dr. let me increase the dosage by half but won't do anything else until I come in. Can't do that without ins. and sure can't refill the abilify without the ins. either. That script is nearly $300 to my knowledge. Thats for a month. I'm living in a constant state of anxiety and verge of full panic and can't do anything about it. My ex has now actually said the words to just get over it. I almost threw my plate at him. It's nice when he reminds me why i divorced him in the first place. Good God, how am I going to make it two more weeks?

Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 12/22/2005 6:54 PM (GMT -7)   

Wow - you are really in the thick of it with the family - you are a saint for even being able to deal with the visit, let alone sit at the same table.

Have you ever asked your doctor about a mood stabilizer? I know that sounds lame and rather obvious, but I was feeling a lot like you about a month ago - anxious, paniky, up and down, felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. I ended up at the doctor and he suggested that I start back on the effexor I had been taking since it worked so well for my anxiety before - he was leary to try anything else since I'm pretty sensitive to medication. I am brutally opposed to that option since it was such a pain to get off. Anyway - long story short. I hadn't been very diligent about taking my mood stabilizer, depakote, and decided that maybe I should buckle down and get that straightened out first. I did, made sure that I took it religously and stuck with the right dose and it made a huge help. Whether it is by pacebo or not, I think that settling out on the mood stabilizer made a huge difference and I don't need anything extra right now (that might all change tomorrow). I did some reading and some theories suggest that mania might play into the whole anxiety thing and may make it more difficult to find the right medication combo.

The point of my ramble (i've been cooped up in my office all day) is that mood stabilizers are usually pretty cheap and quick to kick in and they might offer some relief until you can get the more expensive drugs sorted out. Everybody is so different though and its such an annoying game that we have to play to find the right mix.

You are in my thoughts and prayers Ellie - take care of yourself,
Putter

 


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 12/22/2005 7:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Putter,
Yeah, I'm certainly going to ask her about a stabizer. I went off everything when I was pregnant and haven't gone on anything else since the miscarriage. Well, except the Klonopin, which I already had. Didn't figure the hubby would go so far as to cancel the health ins when we split. Doc. won't prescribe anything else till I make another office visit though.
Thanks again, hope you're having a good evening. Actually mine is getting a little better. Took a nap and woke up feeling a little calmer.
Take care
Ellie

Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 12/22/2005 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Ellie - I'm glad to hear that the nap took the edge off.

That is really bold that he cancelled the health insurance - particularly in the midst of all the health issues. You are one tough cookie to have made it through all this so far.

My thoughts are with you,
Putter


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 12/23/2005 12:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Yeah, wait till the state gets hold of him. He can cancel ins. on me but when I applied for aid on the kids they made me sign a waiver giving them permission to persue him in court for an order to make him reimburse them for medicaid on the kids. And carry decent ins. thereafter. He keeps trying to stall me by telling me he's getting coverage on the kids next week (it's always next week) but I already applied so he can just deal with it. I hope it costs him a fortune. Maybe he'll have less to lose at internet poker.
Feeling a little bitter, but I think the anger makes me more stable than being sad and worried. I sooooo can't wait to get to the dr. This rollercoaster I'm riding is getting tiresome. I want to thank you for being there for me this evening. I was really falling apart. Still not great but better.
I think one of the reasons the Klonopin hasn't been working well is that I've been taking it with about a half a pot of coffee. May defy the purpose. Think I'll stick to water and sprite after that first cup or two tomorrow and see if that works out better. Just common sense I suppose but I'm a little short of that lately.
Good night and God Bless
Ellie
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