Oh Ellie - I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well and that things have lost their 'sparkle'. You have been through so much in such a short few months. You are so dedicated to trying to help others within this Forum and you deserve a rest. I think of you often and all the things that you've had to face - you are such a strong woman. I guess the saying holds - when it rains it pours. I just hope that when the sun shines again, it will do so soon.
Relationships can be stressful at the best of times, but throw all the holiday bustle in there and they can be just awful. I hope that you'll be able to find some peace soon.
Just wondering if you partake in any kind of religous-type activities over the holidays that might help bring some of the magic back. I was letting myself get sucked into the madness of it all over the last few weeks and then I remembered how much I love heading to church on Christmas Eve and taking in the whole scene and that helped put it all in perspective and bring back the fun. For me, the church part reminds me how insignificant all the other things become - I'm so easily wrapped up in all the stuff that I feel like I "have" to do that I forget the important stuff - friends and family and hopes for a new year.
Take care of yourself and I wish you so much peace and love for the days to come,
Ellie - Please don't feel like you are crazy - it sounds like the BP is in full swing and really having a good go at you. Maybe if you feel up to it, a brisk walk in the daylight might help to shake some of the nasties. I know how impossible it is to think about that when you're low, but if you have an up moment, maybe some activity will help to relax the manic side and sweep away some of the depression. I know that doesn't help right now, but I've been trying to walk on my lunch hours and it has made a big difference for me.
Please don't be hard on yourself and we all know as well as you do, that its not something you can 'just get over'. You sound like you are a busy gal, so maybe just allowing yourself the luxury to relax for a few minutes will give your mind the peace it needs to get through the next few days.
And Rianna has a good point. Maybe when the medicaid kicks in, your dr could suggest something to help keep you level. I remember you said onetime that you are med resistant so that might be easier said than done.
Wow - you are really in the thick of it with the family - you are a saint for even being able to deal with the visit, let alone sit at the same table.
Have you ever asked your doctor about a mood stabilizer? I know that sounds lame and rather obvious, but I was feeling a lot like you about a month ago - anxious, paniky, up and down, felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. I ended up at the doctor and he suggested that I start back on the effexor I had been taking since it worked so well for my anxiety before - he was leary to try anything else since I'm pretty sensitive to medication. I am brutally opposed to that option since it was such a pain to get off. Anyway - long story short. I hadn't been very diligent about taking my mood stabilizer, depakote, and decided that maybe I should buckle down and get that straightened out first. I did, made sure that I took it religously and stuck with the right dose and it made a huge help. Whether it is by pacebo or not, I think that settling out on the mood stabilizer made a huge difference and I don't need anything extra right now (that might all change tomorrow). I did some reading and some theories suggest that mania might play into the whole anxiety thing and may make it more difficult to find the right medication combo.
The point of my ramble (i've been cooped up in my office all day) is that mood stabilizers are usually pretty cheap and quick to kick in and they might offer some relief until you can get the more expensive drugs sorted out. Everybody is so different though and its such an annoying game that we have to play to find the right mix.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Ellie - take care of yourself,Putter
Ellie - I'm glad to hear that the nap took the edge off.
That is really bold that he cancelled the health insurance - particularly in the midst of all the health issues. You are one tough cookie to have made it through all this so far.
My thoughts are with you,Putter