Hi, my name is Jennifer. I am 25, married(seperated) with 3 kids, (4g,2b,1b) I have just recenty found out that i am bipolar. not sure exactly which type, where i am going now is just to give me meds and keep me alive until my appointment with mhmr. I am on 150mlg of Zoloft a day-which i really am not liking, after almost three onths it seems to still be making me overally tired during the day, and i just started on my last step in getting on lamactal, my eight pills a night stage. Well, i was until two nights ago when i ran out and out of money for more--so wish me luck.
Bip[olar isnt really too new to me, my friend of the past five years is bipolar and now my be getting diagnosed schyzoprnic also. but it wasnt until recently that i have been learning so much about what it is. I have alwyas had a serious problem with depression. i mean it gets so bad that i sleep most the day and night, or just lay there almost dead to the wolrd. my house shows that.i get so down that no matter how much i wish to harm myself im just too down to even put the effort into that.
But i never really relized that during the times that i take off, am fighting with loved ones, am feeling so self cofedent and so on, that that could be a problem too.
not till now, and i am soo scared that it is too late.
i literally of ruined my marriage, my family. and i cannot explain why i did some of the things i did, some i cannot fix, and i just do not know what to do anymore.
My husband is wonderful. hes stayed with me for 5-6 years now, while all this time my mistakes, my lies and so on just got worse and worse, and he just wondered more and more if i even loved him, and half the time who i was.
but now i got us in a terrible mess, i hate myself, i dont really take any comfort into knowing that i have a mental illness, that doesnt seem to be able to fix any of this. fortionaitly my husband loves me so much that he is still being sopportive and wants to work thru this and be with me still.
How do you get over the guilt of all the pain/hurt that you caused those that were so close to you?
How do you really talk to a doctor that is really just there to medicate you up.
I am sorry, i am really really down right now and am trying so hard to believe that there is hope. for me, my family, life.
maybe tomarrow i can go into detail about whats happended, or later tonight if i still cannot sleeep. ever since i ran out of lamictal i havent really been sleeping, tired but not real or long sleep.
anyways enough of me. that was hard enough, i am so messed up that i dont even know what to write or where to begin and so on.