This is the first time I have went to a place like this. I just have no idea what to do anymore. I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder this summer. I went to another doctor because I just had a hard time believeing that was what was wrong with me. I felt like I just needed to talk to someone and that could make it all better. My grandmother died in June and It all seems to have fallen apart from there. I always had some depression and anxiety bu that seems to be what brought it to the surface to the point I could no longer control it. It began to control me. The new doctor said it was depression mixed with anxiety and with OCD. 2 months later she is now looking ino the possibility of bi-polar. 2 doctors, I guess it is possible then. My docotr put me on Paxil CR and workd me up to 30mg. I take trazadone at night to help me sleep. I was so overcome with anxiety that I was not sleeping and was having hallusinations. This seemed to be doing some good. I thought I was finally feeling "normal", but over the past month things seem to be getting worse again even though I am still on the meds. I have times when I "freak out". The most recent time was 2 weeks ago. My husband and my bedroom was a little cluttered up. I began feeling like I was suffocating and could not breathe. I "had to clean it" my husband tried to talk to me and clam me down but I began screaming and crying. I could not stop. I felt as though I was "loosing it" and could not stop it. We cleaned the room and I began to feel better. My depression seems to be taking over my life at times. I find myself thinking of different ways that I could die. Whether it be suicide or accidents. I am doing this everyday. The only thing I think really keeps me from acting is that I have a 10 month old daughter. She is wonderful, but I find myself unable to find happiness even in her at times. There are times that I wake up and want to jump up and go somewhere, do something, I have so much energy. Most of the time I have none. Lately I have been questioning my marriage. My husband is wonderful to me, but I really can't stand to talk to him anymore. He gets on my nerves more than anything. I just have no desire to see friends, family, anyone really. I just don't "feel" anymore. It's as if the meds have subdued me. I don't feel like the person I have always been. I don't know if this is because I don't have the "highs" I used to or what. I really don't know what I want anyone to say to me, I just want someone to talk to that can understand what it's like to be like this. I can talk til I'm blue in the face, but people just don't understand it. That gets me even more frustrated. I just want to know that I'm not the only one.