I'm new to this board. I'm 17, female, in college doing art/drama/philosophy...and I have BP.
Today is a very mixed state day. No, week. I feel very anxious and my thoughts are *racing*, Im getting paranoid, and I have a desperate wish to die as everything seems very overwhelming right now. Im typing this from college..in 1 hour I'll be seeing my boyfriend which is good, but these days even the good stuff is starting to get drowned out by a sea of psychiatric symptoms, everything from Depression (yah, thats a real b**ch aint it) to Paranoia to mild hallucinations.
My background...Ive always been eccentric. At 16, I finally cracked from depression, and friends made me see a doctor, who made me see a psychiatrist, who diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. As my mother was so distraught at the thought of me being as down and all-out suicidal as I was, I figured that...well, I haev a few of Aspergers traits, I played up to it for the shrink a lot to get that diagnosis, which is better for my mom to deal with than having to hear her child is bipolar.
But BP is what I am...insane highs (with great creativity), and black, black lows, and the most bizarre in-betweens...Ive done all the classic BP things over the past 1-2 years- had 15+ relationships, drugs, spending recklessly, MUCH religious mania, moods that have to be seen to be believed..lots of things. My friends, funnily enough, found it almost novel/amusing, which makes me sort of angry I think. No, I know. But then again, it's a difficult illness.
When I move out - which cant be for another year, because whereas I would have left for Uni this year, my breakdown meant I did poorly (I got C C D, which isnt as good as I can do) in my AS levels, so Im re-taking them- I plan to get help that doesnt involve my parents, as my mtoher gets hysterical, and father buries head in the sand.
I also have an eating disorder, which gave me a full 999-emergency seizure when i was 15. My parents made me get over it by basically emotional blackmail and intimidation..nice, arn't they. Misinformed, i guess. Currently, I am 5ft 6.5ins and weigh 133lbs, and my goal is 110lbs. Yeh thats bad, but Im starting to think *so freaking what*.
It looks pretty pointless right now, to be frank.
Thank you for letting me rant on here.