I hate myself!

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Crissi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 3/1/2006 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I posted a few weeks ago.  I'm soppose to be getting a call for a pdoc because my gp thinks I have bipolar.  I agree and am waiting and waiting.  I know it'll probably be many months because I live in a remote area and they only fly in a pdoc once or twice a month.  I've been going through pure craziness since the beginning of Feb.  I don't know if I'm manic or depressed.  I can't even think anymore because I feel so mixed up.  i think maybe I'm rapid cycling or in a mixed state.  I don't know.  Anyways, I hate myself because I am ruining my family.  I am being a positively horrible mother and bad wife.  Quite honestly, I think I should just leave before I ruin my kids.  I love them so much but I am pushing them away (and they are only 5 and 6).  I don't want to be around them.  Their noise and fighting is driving me crazy but then I have moments when I just break down and cry (like right now) because I love them so much and just want to hold them and feel better.  I freaked on them today.  I really lost control and started screaming at them and even spanked them and screamed in their face.  Really I was horrible and abusive.  I didn't spank hard, and I don't usually do this, usually I just scream but I am losing control and I hate myself.  I just can't handle any stress right now and feel I am going to go over the edge.  I think I should leave before I ruin everything.  I need help so bad and it's just not there!  I better go cause I have to start supper now and try to get myself under control.  Thank you all for being there.
 
Crissi

Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 3/1/2006 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Crissi - please don't think that you're an awful person - you are obviously very caring, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered to search out support. I just read your other posts and its clear that there's something happing that a pdoc can help you with. Those things that you are feeling aren't your fault and you need help to set the balance right. Have you told you GP how awful things have been for you lately? Is he/she fully aware of the extent of the problems for you right now? Its really important that you get help for you and your family. Even though a pdoc is the best person to assist you, maybe your GP can help you get on the right track in the interim. I live in a really, remote community where the pdoc only comes every other month, so my GP consults with the pdoc over the phone when I have specific concerns between pdoc visits. Also, it sounds like you live in a smaller community, but counselling can help to take the edge off until you can get a more regular routine worked out with a pdoc. Even if there isn't much in the way of psycologists, most clergy are trained and willing to assist families in need even if they aren't congregation members.
I read what you wrote about not being thrilled about medication. I can understand that it is daunting when you've already had a negative experience. One thing that I would suggest is that you keep a journal (I know how annoying that sounds - I can't stand doing it so I save my daily emails to friends instead) - but some sort of a reminder of how awful you have been feeling and the impact it has on your family - it might help as incentive to find a treatment (medication, therapy, lifestyle, etc) that works for you and stick with it when you might otherwise stop. I think that far too often (myself included) we forget how awful the dark moments can be and convince ourselves that medicine isn't worth the hassle. I won't dispute that medication can be annoying and it can be tough to find the mix that works, but it can help us achieve a quailty of life we might not otherwise be able to maintain without - everyone is different and has to make the choices right for them.

Please take care and know that you'll be in my thoughts,
Putter

putter@healingwell.net


Crissi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 3/1/2006 5:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your caring words. They are very helpful. I am feeling a little better now but so guilty. My moods are so intense. I am keeping a journal and really I see no real definite pattern. I am all over the place. The only pattern I see is generally this is a bad time of year for me. I am so praying for an early spring as that usually helps. Right now, I am not sleeping well (staring at the clock every hour and really vivid dreams in between). I wake up in a good mood and get lots done. I eat around noon then crash. The anxiety starts and depressed thoughts so I try to nap. When I get up around 3, I have anxiety which the klonopin helps but I am so irritable. When the kids get home I just can't handle the loundness. I see my dr. next week for sons physical and I will let her know I haven't got an appt with pdoc yet and I feel really on edge and ready to snap. Hopefully she can help.

Thankyou again, your words were very reassuring.

Crissi

kmber72
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 42
   Posted 3/1/2006 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
hiya Crissi!  You sound just like me before I finally found the meds that worked for me. I have three children as well (ages 10 and 7 yr old twins) and I can recall just from reading your post occasions when I did the same thing.. even worse... to my kids. I have destroyed their rooms in a fit of rage... throwing their beds outside... saying bad things to them just because I was so angry at nothing really. 
Its not your fault. You shouldnt be so hard on yourself.... you are attempting in doing your very best to get help.. so give yourself a pat on the back for that one :) The moods are gonna come and go, sometimes faster than the other can manifest.  I am Bipolar I and suffer from Ultra Rapid Cycling... so I can relate to the way you are describing what you are going thru.
I dont think that your leaving your husband and kids is the answer. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. To leave would be giving in to this thing and letting it completely destroy your life. The whole part of hating yourself is the way this thing leaves us because we dont know any other way to feel when we catch glimpses of ourselves doing and saying things totally out of our character. There is really no other true emotion we can feel when this happens. I really feel for you and your family, as I can really say I know where you are coming from when you describe what has been going on lately.
Is there any way you can contact your pdoc or someone else in your area?? I know for me, it took my therapist and pdoc to calm me down after hours of cycling. Then a strong dose of Risperdal sent me on my way right out of the mania... and I havent been there since then.
I hope that you are able to get in touch with someone soon to get this sorted out. My thoughts are with you. Above all... hang in there! .. good luck to you! Keep us posted!
 
~kimmy


"I doubt sometimes whether a quiet and unagitated life would have suited me--- yet, I sometimes long for it."   ~Byron


Crissi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 3/1/2006 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Thankyou kimmy. I feel so bad because all I can think was I am being an abusive mother and that is so not me. I actually went to school (although dropped out) to be a child and youth worker. I don't want my kids to hate me and I don't want them to mimic me either. I worry so much they are going to go to their teachers and say mommy freaked at me. I doubled my dose of klonopin tonight because I always take the tiniest amount and I figured hopefully it will calm me down and maybe I'll sleep better tonight. In some ways I think maybe I'm manic or hypomanic but I don't have the decreased need for sleep. I do get some sleep at night but I keep waking and looking at the clock and having really vivid dreams. It's like a very light sleep. Also, I took a nap today but again it was very light between awake and asleep and vivid dreams. But I do have excess energy but not positive energy. The kind of energy that makes me want to pace. Like I want to do something but don't know what. I'll try to read but go back to the puter then do dishes then back to puter, etc. It's kind of jumpy. And my concentration is nil. My hubby could tell I was definitely off tonight. He asked if he figured maybe it was my birth control pills. I said maybe but that I have had problems 4 ever and I've been on this pill for 5 years. I told him it was a bad time of year and when spring gets here I'll probably perk up. I do suffer what my family calls spring fever. It usually starts in Feb and doesn't ease until Apr. Oh well, I just have to wait I guess until I see my dr. or pdoc. Thank you for the posts. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who gets so angry especially with their kids.
Crissi

TinaMO
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 3/1/2006 9:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi I decided to respond because I so feel your pain. I just found this site a few days ago. I to am searching for support. I was just recentaly diagnosed when I put myself into a mental hospital in november. I have two children 7 and 2. I feel the anxiety and pain that you do with your children. It takes everything I have all day long to keep calm with them. Though now with the meds and consistant appt. with counseling and psych. I somehow am managing better all the time. I was on klonipin before and lamictal, with lithium. Finally I started going to summit research program. They pay me to go see them. They put me on Lithium and seraqual. I feel so much better! I just want to tell you to hold on, the day will come when you can breath again, just remind yourself how lucky you are to have what you have. That seems to help me. Tina

Crissi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 3/2/2006 6:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for giving me some hope. I just need to get to that darned pdoc. Hopefully they will call soon. I will tell gp the difficulties I am having when I take son for physical next week, as maybe she can help.

Crissi

Rico6792
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 3/2/2006 3:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Crissi,

Please don't give up, I waited over 3 months to see my doctor. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Rico

kmber72
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 42
   Posted 3/2/2006 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
hey Crissi :) That is another thing that I dont have is the decreased need for sleep. Of course, when I get manic.... and when it would go into a full blown rage, I would stay in it for at least 6 hours at night, yelling and screaming at everyone... antagonizing my husband and treating him so wrong. After it was over, I was physically exhausted and would take Klonopin just to knock myself out so I could sleep.
I would not wish this Bipolar on my worst enemy. I have so much to be thankful for in my life... a supportive husband that loves me no matter what. He often reminds me of our vows.. 'In sickness and in health'. That usually sends me into a depressed state tho because then I start analyzing our relationship and coming up with reasons why I dont deserve him for being so supportive when I am out of my normal character.
My kids understand more than kids their age should... but unfortuantely they know my moods and they know why I act as I do sometimes. And that its not really me. I can truly say that if it werent for them, I would probably not be here today.
Anyway :) I wish the best for you!!
"I doubt sometimes whether a quiet and unagitated life would have suited me--- yet, I sometimes long for it."   ~Byron


Crissi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 3/2/2006 8:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you kimmy. That really is the only reason I think I may not have bipolar is because I do sleep. I have disrupted sleep but I do still sleep. I keep reading how people stay awake for days. Sometimes I have difficulty falling asleep so I take a klonopin, as well. Everything else for bipolar pretty much fits though. Today I kind of went the opposite and got the house cleaned, made a great dinner, was very cheerful. My husband was so relieved to have happy me back. I think I have figured out a trigger. Yelling. When my kids yell, or my husband yells at them, I feel myself snapping. Maybe that is because my parents fought a lot as a child and I tried to intervene but never had the control to change it. When you told me kimmy that you rage for hours in the evening it reminded me of my mom. I believe she is bipolar and have been trying to convince her to go back to pdoc. She would rage at my step dad for hours and hours. He would try to hide from her but it never worked. I'm scared of being the same way, although thankfully hubby and I rarely fight but as I've said I rage at my children sadly. I'm just praying the good mood lasts. I know the days are getting longer and I usually feel a lot better in the spring. Spring and fall are the best times for me. I hope all this snow melts quick! Thank you again for responding. It is so relieving to know I have support and I am not alone.
Crissi

Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 3/3/2006 8:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Crissi - it sounds like your heart is getting a little lighter realizing there is an army of us who feel very similar. I'm not a total expert on the symptom analysis of BP, but I wouldn't negate a BP diagnosis just because you sleep when manic. When you search for the list of symptoms or characteristic behaviour - the decreased need for sleep is usually listed but it is not necessary to suffer. I am the same way and that's why I always discounted anything being wrong in the midst of my strange behaviour since I would usually sleep enough hours, but they were never decent quality sleeps.
And the sound thing can be a big thing for people with BP. I don't have kids of my own yet, but I have a very low tolerance for yelling and loudness also. I think that its the sensory overload thing. Your mind is already racing and full of information and ideas and the loud noise just adds to the mental clutter to the point that we can't process. Maybe its something that you can work through with your family and a way you can all work toward the same goal.
 
Take care and I'm glad to see that you've found some kindred spirits in kimmy and Tina,
Putter
putter@healingwell.net


Crissi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 3/3/2006 5:21 PM (GMT -7)   
You are all so helpful. I've tried talking to my children about the fact that mommy can't handle their yelling fighting. I told them that I have been sick and I am going to the dr soon and hopefully will get better. I'm practically begging them to stop their fighting but they are kids and that doesn't really work, unfortunately. Maybe as they get older they will understand. I've told my husband I just can't handle yelling and he seems to be trying not to yell. I appreciate you all so much. My husband wants me to go icefishing with him tomorrow and I told him no because it's too far away and I feel a need to be close to home. I've been trying to track my moods and so far tentitively after about 2 weeks of tracking it seems I am having 2 good days then 2 bad days. Is this normal? I've had 2 good days and pray tomorrow will be good too. I'm learning that even if I don't sleep well, not to take a nap because I seem to get really nasty on those days. And oddly if I take a klonopin to help me sleep I seem to have a really depressed day the next. Although I can take a klonopin during the day and it just relieves my anxiety. It seems poor sleeping is helping me have better days. Odd! When I go through bad spurts too, I always think of leaving but when I'm feeling good it's like, thank goodness, I didn't! Oh well, I better go I soppose I've rambled enough trying to figure myself out. Thank you for all your posts, it's helping me to really look at myself and try to forgive myself. Thankyou.

kmber72
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 42
   Posted 3/4/2006 4:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Crissi.. Heya! You are right, kids will be kids, but I am confident that as they get a little older they will realize what is happening and try to hold it down a bit. My kids have learned to keep it down to at least a dull roar lol As with your hubby, mine sometimes yells at the kids without realizing that it drives me crazy! Now when he does it, I feel like I could scream myself! Then he holds it down a bit. There is nothing like having a supportive and understanding spouse to help us through the rough days. I respect my husband, and even moreso for what he has been through with me and my illness. He reminds me often how the bad days are worth it to him bc he knows how I really am, and he is willing to overlook and work through the moods just to even have one great day with me. Of course the meds I am on now have really took the edge off, and when I do cycle around its nothing compared to what it could be I guess.
You mentioned the bad spurts.. and when you go through them, you feel like you want to leave... Thats good that you actually dont act on those thoughts. I know it is tough, and when we are in those frames of mind, they carry us far from ourselves and how we really think. I sometimes think that my family would be better off without me, and without dealing with this stupid disorder. Yet, once the mood goes, so does the thoughts of feeling unworthy of them caring. Its all part of the awful cycle I suppose.
I have noticed with myself when you mentioned keeping track of your moods that apart from rapid cycling within the week......... I go one week manic (happy go lucky type of mania).. then I can go another full week angry and agitated... then a couple of days I will be normal. Then I hit depression for no reason, then go right back into the anger and irritability. The only thing that I find hard to accept is the fact that the meds are taking the edge off.. but the moods are still bouncing around week after week. They are gone before I even notice them sometimes. Crazy!!
As far as your asking if the moods changes are normal... I know with myself that my mood is totally unpredictable on any given day. All I can really do is once the day is over, recall my mood changes.. and wait for the next day in hopes that I am of good spirits! Above all, I would much rather be in a flat mood than in an irritable state any time of the day!
I hope that things go well with you! Remember that you owe yourself forgiveness, and it is at no fault of your own in where your moods land and what they cause you to say or do. This has been one of the hardest things for me to learn as well. But I have realized that its a good thing to feel guilty for what I have said and done... it lets me know that I dont really mean what I have said, and I am not insane as I sometimes feel lol It also allows me to realize that even tho I may say or do awful things, I am still taking responsibility for my actions whether I am in control or not. In the end, it helps me to accept my illness, and change anything in my power that needs to be changed in order to make it easier on myself and my family. AS long as they know, and they do, that I dont mean those things, and I dont like being in that state.. it gives me the strength to fight against it whenever it comes around.
I wish the best for you!!! I will stop rambling now lol
Take Care! ~kimmy
"I doubt sometimes whether a quiet and unagitated life would have suited me--- yet, I sometimes long for it."   ~Byron


TinaMO
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 3/4/2006 11:31 PM (GMT -7)   
This might sound totally stupid and I know that calmess or having the patience is nearly impossible but my kids, and niece's and nephews love to do crafts! I got this magazine in the mail called oriental trading company. It has all kinds of crafts for kids and I purchased some and my kids absolutely love it. Even my two year old has fun. or even doing collages if that is the correct spelling. It also helps me sometime to do crafts and calm myself. I don't know just a little suggestion. tina

Crissi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 3/5/2006 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there. Thanks for the posts. Yes Kimmy, moods are so unpredictable. I find myself going to bed and wondering what I will be like tomorrow. I've had a few good days thankfully but today is so-so. I felt anxiety upon wakening and then felt like crying for no reason. I have restless energy too. But I slept a little better last night. Tina, you are right, crafts are terrific for kids. I have a whole cart filled with crayons, colouring books, beads, glue, etc. My kids are very into it. March break is coming up next week and I pray I am in a good mood. My poor kids will be stuck with me day in and day out for a whole week. I pray I am not crazy, irritable mom. I hope the weather is nice for them too. I'm so glad spring is coming and it's been nice out because it helps to improve my mood. You all take care and thanks for the posts!
Crissi

TinaMO
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 3/5/2006 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   
My daughters break is coming also, I do not look forward to when they are out of school. Your right they get cooped up inside the house and they just start to irritate you even more. I tell myself every day that the nice weather is coming. There is something about the sun, blooming flowers, the colers on the trees, and the smells of the spring and summer days that makes the brain quit down. I always do things like tanning, and getting my nails done that helps with me self esteem. I will pray for you goind into this school break. Somehow it always works out. Hang in there. Tina

Crissi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 3/6/2006 4:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Thankyou for praying for me. It's so sad that I dread spending time with my kids. I love them so much but being around them is stressful. They fight so much and are very demanding. My little girl is getting quite the attitude too. How can I not want to be around the most important people in the world to me?
I have been going outside every day to try to take in the sunshine. The snow is starting to melt but there is so much of it. I love the smell of melting snow and like you I can't wait for things to start growing out of the ground and the tree's to get leaves. I want spring so bad. My moods are so ridiculous. I had 3 great days where I had tons of energy and started to get my house back in order and now I'm grouchy and depressed again. Screamed at the kids tonight because they were fighting at the dinner table. I feel like I have no support. My family lives five hours away and my hubby's grandmother is so critical of me. I love it where I live but at the same time I want to be with my family. In a few days I'll be bouncing of the walls again. I'm sick of this. Take care everyone and thanks for the understanding.

Crissi

in and out of it all
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 3/24/2006 4:08 PM (GMT -7)   
You think that is bad, my mother is just like this, you need to get help hunny! I am a new member by the way, but anyways my mother frecked out, and started punching my brother till he had troubles breathing. I had to stop her!
Don't leave your kids! But everyonce in a while, when you feel like doing it, get on the computer or go do somthing. You are right it will eventully tair apart you childeren!!!! But if you try to take controle of tour anger, then you might feel better
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