Hi tired and lonely, Welcome to healing well forum. We are happy to have you.
It is interesting that you posted this as it is such a taboo subject and one that I dont think most people want to admit to doing. I know that I certainly dont. I have depression and PTSD not bipolar but I felt the need to respond to your post. When I was married (divorced now) and my husband and I would have an argument I know the first thought through my mind would be to harm myself. I am like this with my mother also if we have an argument. I have not ever followed through on this but the thought is there. I dont think for me it is so much to get attention from them or to hurt me but to punish them in some way. Kind of like saying "now see what you've made me do". I dont know it is kinda strange to feel like that.
Actually I think it is more like internalizing your emotions. I am not so sure I would say that these people dont have coping abilities. Some of us have been through really rough childhoods, marriages or traumatic events and to get through things like that and not be zombies on 50 different prescriptions or off in 4 point restraints in the state mental hospital. I just mean that we each have different coping skills, some are better than other. Everyone of us of course is different and would have these thoughts for different reasons but in the end it comes down to the same thing. If you could just say "hey, ya know what? I am really mad at you." or "why are you angry with me?" then maybe when we perceive there is a threat or danger to our comfort level and or inner turmoil then we wont and wouldn't have these types of feelings. Wouldn't that be great!!
You mention it being hereditary...which is interesting. My mother was raised a certain way by my g-ma strict catholic upbringing. You dont talk about personal business and g-ma is still like this today. My mom has trouble communicating actually sitting down and talking to me like a person (I'm 32 now by the way) she is the type that will talk at you. I know she loves me but when this has been so engraved into her how do you change it? We were following the same pattern that she had with her mom. Through counseling (a lot of it) I realized that I have to take the initiative if I want to feel better. If I want to have a better relationship not just with my mom but with anyone who enters my life as I never learned how to communicate. Okay, I am done rambling on about this now...sorry I took up so much space and wondering if I should just hit delete (but wont as I do believe in what I have said).
Welcome to Healing Well SoulsBreath, we are glad to have you....