Bipolar wife, gone

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Onstandby
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/15/2006 10:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I just found this site and it has given me 'some' hope, or at least some comfort, while reading thru some of the forums.
 
After 25 years of marraige, during which we had many "ups & downs" but managed to have what I thought was a loving relationship, my wife shocked me and our 3 children a few months back, telling me that she wanted a divorce, and would not go to counseling. Her behaviour had become somewhat bazaar in the previous months leading up to her decision. Things like the way she started to dress (usually classy and conservative) to looking like a teenager, and very provocative. Her relationship with my 16 yr old daughter seemed to take a roll reversal, my daughter being the adult and having to ask my wife not to use foul language around her friends and getting into arguments like friends instead of mother / daughter. After her announcement, she got much worse and within 4 weeks or so, seemed to have a completely different personality. She expressed thoughts while staying around the home for awhile until she moved out, like she does not know 'who' she is, and she just needed her freedom. Over 3 months, she completly changed, leaving her kids and only calling them on the phone a few times a week until that stopped and she hasn't seen them since. She repeatedly stated she 'wants / needs a new life, which apparently does not include her kids. 
 
I have since found out that she began to 'see' someone 3 months prior to her braking the news, ended that relationship, told me she wanted out, then while still coming and going into our home seemingly trying to keep her relationship with he kids, went out to bar/restaurants in pursuit of other relationships, met someone and is now living with him. We (my children and I) don't know what hit us! We are devastated by what has happened and I am searching for reasons as to how's and why's. I do believe, based on alot of things to numerous to mention here, that she does have some type of 'personality disorder' coming from past childhood abuse...which certainly complicates things.
 
She was diagnosed 1 year ago as BP by a psychiatrist who saw her when we admitted her in the hospital for 4 days to straighten out the pain meds she had been on for 4 years due to chronic back pain along with deep depression and suicidal thoughts. After surgery to repair her back ,she then went thru a tramatic loss of a brother which seemed to 'trigger' something in her, gradually changing her personality and putting great stress on our relationship. Even in the first month of her telling me, she laid in bed when she was home saying things like she didn't think she could be healed and she 'didn't know who she was. 
 
At the time of her diagnosis, her Dr. began treating her with Zoloft (300mg last I knew) as well
as other meds. I never had the opportunity to speak with this Dr. after the hospital visit as she refused to return any of my calls (I believe she was telling the Dr. only what she wanted her to hear and began to 'trash' me). I am aware of HIPPA laws but I do not understand a Dr. ONLY getting input from a patient she determined to be BP? This Dr.has no way of knowing that what my wife has told her about herself is true or not. No counseling or therapy was ever recommended at the time the diagnosis. I believed it was just a matter of 'high and low' mood swings, which we both knew about for years in her.
 
There is so much more that I can't get into here that is so frustrating for me and my family. I believe that the majority of this whole problem is coming from a lack of understanding on the part of my wife about her BP condition, not to mention my just beginning to understand and put some pieces together to help make some sense of all this. She refuses to get help (besides seeing her psychiatrist for meds) because she "doesn't see why she needs help".
 
I still love my wife and am committed to her because I now this is not the person I've been married to for all these years and this is NOT the mother whom my kids know and love. But right now, she does not think there is anything wrong with what she is doing. She hangs up on my daughter when asked to tell the truth about what is going on or where she is living and looks for excuses NOT to call the kids.There has been a steady pattern of lies told not only to me but to my kids as well for the last year, along with the symptoms of spending, increased sex drive,etc. 
 
I ask for your help in trying to comprehend this all...sorry for the long explanations.
 
1) Will she come down from this 'mania' and understand what has happened and what she did?
2) Is there anyway to communicate to her that what she is doing may be a result of BP and medication?
3) Suggestions on how to get her to therapy? (she will no longer talk to me)
 
Thanks for any input!
 
 
 

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 4/15/2006 10:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Onstandby and welcome to Healingwell.
What you've described sounds like a classic manic episode. Many of us have subjected the people we love to outlandish behaviors while manic. Most of us have not been as lucky as your wife is to have someone trying so desperately to understand. Relationships tend to crumble in this situation. It's a terrible shame that your children have to endure this as well. Unfortunately, at the moment, she probably sees nothing wrong in what she's doing.
She should eventually come down, but what concerns me is that you say shes medicated? Is she taking her meds? Often once we feel better many will stop the meds. I would think that her pdoc would recognize a manic episode and adjust her medication.
It seems you're very limited in what you can do. If her pdoc will not return your calls you may just have to wait it out unless she becomes a danger to herself or others. Hopefully this passes quickly, but that isn't always the case.
Take Care
Ellie
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
 
Unknown
 
 

Onstandby
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/16/2006 5:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your response Ellie. There is no way to know if she is taking her meds, or following directions. Her pdoc may not have any idea what is going on with her. She IS a master manipulator (as I have read someplaces to also be a symptom. She does see her once a month.
I will hang in. At this point , it's all I can do right now I guess.
Thank you for your support!

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/16/2006 6:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Onstandby,  I just wanted to post to you and tell you that I think your just a wonderful man for sticking through all that.  Not to many would.  Hopefully her psychiatrist will be able to get her on the right combination of medication (if she is taking them) and reduce the mania episode.  It is just a shame that your children have to go through this, but with you being understanding you will be able to educate them on mental illness.  We are always here if you should have further questions or anything at all....take care.

 ~elisha~ 

ways to help support healing well:

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=437927


Onstandby
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/16/2006 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   
elisha...thank you for your words of encouragement!!
Onstandby


Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 4/17/2006 8:57 AM (GMT -7)   

Onstandby, welcome to HW although I wish it were under better circumstances. My heart goes out to you and your family thinking of the agony you must be feeling. I am at a loss of words to offer for comfort or condolence since the situation is so heartbreaking.

You are obviously a caring, compassionate and devoted husband and deserve some peace with your family. If you have not already done so, I would strongly suggest that you and children find some sort of counselling for yourselves. You have been subject to an extraordinary amount of hurt and pain and finding an outlet for that sadness might help you if/when your wife sees the light and asks for help. A counsellor might also be able to offer some guidance as far as getting your wife to seek treatment and get help for the sake of her family. It may sound bizarre, but when a person is facing such a personal struggle, it almost becomes an "intervention" type of scenario in the sense that the family is in such peril, they can't stand by and watch someone destroy what remains of their life and family. Your family doctor or employee assistance program might be places to start for referral.

Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and that you have lots of people hoping for a good outcome. Keep in touch and take care,
Putter


putter@healingwell.net


Onstandby
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/18/2006 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   
putter, thank you so much for your compassion. I am encouraged if only by the understanding of the people on this site like you who take their time and reach out to me and my family.
We have sought out counseling, in particular my daughter, who was always so close to her mother. She has been so strong in the midst of her deep hurt, God has his hand on us!
My daughter has reached out by way of reading a letter she wrote to her over the phone pouring her heart out which seemed to touch my wife...but that only lasted a few days before she 'drifted' away again.
Intervention may an option, but we don't even know exactly where she is. We are trying the approach that if my wife should call really wanting a relationship with the kids (as she has done many times now, but without any follow thru)that they all go to therapy/ cousel together, "for the kids sake" since she does not feel she needs any help.
Hopefully she will want them enough at some point to agree.
Thanks again for your concern and kind words.
I wish I had found this site sooner, I may have had more compassion and understanding for my wife!
Onstandby


Putter
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 4/18/2006 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   

Onstandy, I commend you for having worked so hard for your family. In the midst of tradgedy you have been able to look through the chaos and realize the important things. Facing the truth like you have done will be what makes the difference in your family's recovery. I'm a big fan of professional help and I think that it is a super move that you found some external outlet for your family to greive and come to terms with such anguish. I tend to be a "fixer" and I often tell friends that you don't send your car to a dentist when it quits, so why not seek help for the most important things in your life like relationships and family.
Without a doubt you are suffering through the darkest parts of the disease - the insidious way that it invades the most sacred thoughts and feelings and replaces them with doubt and uncertainty leaving loved ones in the ruins of the 'disordered' behaviour. If you could quanitfy the hurt and pain suffered by those affected by BP, I don't know there would ever be a clear distinction between those diagnosed and those who love them. At some point in time, your wife will begin to realize something closer to normality and will live with the pain of knowing the chaos she has created for her family. The memories, or realization of past behaviour can be the leaden anchor that drags a person deep into depression, only further tightening the grip of BP or the past can be the catalyst to seek and maintain treatment.
My apologies for the dark truths, but acknowledging such things will be what will eventually allow your family to find some peace with the situation and learn to somehow process the past and make a new future. In my life, I've learned that I have to be honest to myself and family and acknowledge that BP will be ever present in my life. I have been fortunate that it has faded to the background somewhat, but it is being truthful about my vulnerabilities that allows it to become a non-issue.
I believe that doing what it takes for your family to be honest with the situation, like you have done, will eventually help them to be released of it. There's nothing that can be done to turn back time, but being prepared to face the future, knowing the reality of the situation, will make the tomorrows brighter.

Please know that my thoughts are truly with you and your family.
Take care,
Putter


putter@healingwell.net


Onstandby
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/21/2006 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Putter / Ellie, anyone,
Question, as I am trying to understand the behavior of BP. Does my wife understand what she is doing? Meaning , the things she has done and plans to do (divorce being in process) I don't know how to react to this. She seems to have no conscience as to her actions, even when it comes to the kids. I want to be understanding, but she is pursuing 'us' with terms in the divorce that I cannot allow financially. Realizing this is way more complicated than can be communicated here and BP is not the 'only' factor of course. Should I hold her accountable for her actions?
Onstandby


Polar cap
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/23/2006 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Onstandby

Your story is almost exactly the same as mine. Only I am the bipolar who left and came back.
 
Send me an email if you wish to discuss as I would rather not say too much in open forum

jskinner06@btinternet.com

Post Edited (Polar cap) : 4/23/2006 9:18:42 AM (GMT-6)


Onstandby
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/24/2006 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
I will be in touch. Thanks

Onstandby

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, December 02, 2016 11:08 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,731,690 posts in 300,951 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151123 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Joyce Apuzzo.
342 Guest(s), 10 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
tennisplayer, Utah1981, Scaredy Cat, ArtAngel, Girlie, ChickenArise, Traveler, Bik31, straydog, Graytech


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer