i am the wife of rick d. I feel unconvinced i have bp. i admit i've been distraught. plain and simple it is just that my husband intimidates me..... he has a tone of voice that he uses on me that is most unpleasent....and outbursts at times. i have no desire for him ...he gets angry and beligerent about it.(On this point he requests me to add that he hasn't said or done anything to me like that for at least 4 months) i feel molested when i have to do the wifely duty....i love him....just not that way. its a miserable situation.
i dont drink, or drug, or act promiscuous in any way. i don't speak without thinking and when i do i don't yell and never use profanity. i go to work and am reliable in every way. i certainly am not reliable sexually though. i just dont want it with him and feel violated when i have to perform or face his anger....which spills over into the rest of our life.
its for the kids i've tried to maintain harmony...do whats nessasary.... fake it....i have had hopes that if i fake it long enough it might become genuine.....it never has. i only just feel missery and despair after the sex. this is the truth of the matter..... i think give him what he wants at least three nights a week and it should be ok....i have no problum caring for him and having a friendship feeling for him ...in fact i am concerned about him....and feel terrible for his feelings as i am without desire for him.
i have been extreamly lonely through all this.....unfortunately it happened i became infatuated with a man 4 yeaars ago. of course i never acted apon it with the gentlman and would never be a disturbence to a person that way without getting myself clear... he came and went i never said a word or indicated anything...it was very painful. when i first met the fellow i did n fact try to break away from my husband. i had been living with in the marraige lonely and unhappy yet at the same time trying to make the best of it for a long long time....the infatuation woke me up. Sadly i was unable to get away... how could i while my husband hasn't had a job for years other than his **** site business which came to a crashing halt a year or so before when i refused to be a model for him any more because i came aware of how unsavory and damaging it actually is. I had no family closer than 550 miles away and no friends to help me. I was working 40 plus hours a week as a cleaning lady,my own business, to support our family.... and two boys i adore and felt i could not harm by a divorce...... that it appeared he would make as nasty as possible.
I push the feelings down...do what i can to make life as normal and serene as possible....mold myself to be whatever it is he wants me to be so i don't get harrased...
i tried again to get away two years later as my despair again became acute about the same time the fellow i was attracted to moved away and sadly though i never ever would approach this person or disturb him the feelings i had for him were a strange sort of comfort to me.... i used those feelings to help me through sex with my husband.... i used those feelings to help me know how human i am and to know i am actually capable of feeling beautiful feelings. again i was blocked from leaving him and rick accuses me of being mentaly ****ed up. i admit it....i felt alot of turmoil and despair knowing i can't get away....knowing that any time i try the kids are upset.....he still didn't have a job at this point he wouldn't leave the house the kids had their life in their school.... my sex drive plummetted and im pretending with nothing to help me pretend.... After making that attempt to leave again and failing i felt terrible for causing the rucous in our household.... i told him i didnt know what i was thinking and i was so sorry...it was very heartfelt....i have no desire to hurt anyone not even my husband....my only desire was to not be with him anymore.....
its my feeling that he is extreamly fragile a person despite his bullish ways....that he is bullish because he is so fragile and frightened within himself to be without me.... he needs to know where i am always.... it seems he feels tht since i'm his wife i have to tell him all my thoughts and expain my every move.... i don't have many friends because i'm embarressed the way he calls and calls me while im out and wants to know exactly when i'll be back and people think its somewhat possesive....maybe it is, maybe it isnt....its just the sort of comments i have gotten and it embarresses me because i want to maintain the appearence of a healthy life.
lastly i do need to address the fact that i have spiritual beliefs.... i pray constantly and for many years did not because it seemed irrational to believe things that is not plainly visable. It seemed a little wacko but in my sadness i have turned innward and spiritual...it gives me a lot of peace inside and strenth to keep going....it gives me a stong sense of self worth.... through my practice, study and observation..... i have come to a very powerful faith that even to myself as i was years ago i would term a little nuts but i can't deny i feel a great nurturing presence in my life which i mostly keep to myself.... because i tend to believe that unless a person experiences it for themself they wouldn't understand. I'm not into pushing beliefs on people....yet i see things in life and daily living that support my spiritual beliefs... it wouldn't be so strong otherwise..... i don't have feelings of grandiosity....yet at times i feel a very graceful state of mind even amidst the harshest circumstances.....i tend to see signs everywhere.....i'd have a thought then very soon therafter....i would see it in the real world...profound co-incidenses....REAL events that make you want to say hmmm. I say to myself mybe im just crazy....maybe im not..
my mother and brother are scitzofrenic..... i am extreamly sensitive....theres no doubt about it..... i could be touched.... but every aspect of my life is healthy and happy and i am productive and relate meaningfully with many people.....except this problem with my husband....he says im bi-polar...sick...projecting evil things on him....making him out to be a big bad mean person.... that once i leave him i may then have only myself to project bad things on and then be in danger of killing myself or whatever..... this all seems far fetched...i do not have a violent feeling inside of me..... i have completely forgiven him every hurt i've taken.... i feel sorry for him....i feel compassion for him... i actually love him ...it hurts me to hurt him by saying i can't do it anymore..... it hurts me to hurt my kids by breaking up with their father...he forces me to say what it is that causes me to feel uncomfortable with him......i think the reasons are valid.....he thinks i blow things out of proportion
we are now living in our hometown.. thers family all around .... he actually has a circle of friends that could be a support to him.... he has a job not full time but its something....and besides this since ive always been the main source of income he does most of the nurturing type things for our sons now 18 and 15. He does the grocery and taxi the kids and cooking. we own a home thats completely paid for... before none of those facters were there. I want to leave.... i'd take my sons with me but they want their own room their own bed they always slept in. they don't want to live at my sisters or my parents house....which is where id have to go... id let them have the house indefinately....the house that we own because i worked my ass off for it....down the road if it's sold then of course i'd want my half of what its worth. not only that I'd even be willing to give financial support as its nessesary. Idealy i would appreciate as amicable seperation as posible so the stress on the boys are as little as possible.
also its true another infatuation has happenned in my life....of course again its not something for me to persue but admittedly its crazy.
Rick: Don't blame yourself. Guilt is not what you need right now and its certainly not you who should feel guilty. We all make decisions based on our knowledge at that particular time. Please just get help for you and your kids ASAP. AND, keep in touch.