can someone help me?

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rickd
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/15/2006 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   
first, I would like to introduce myself.
my name is Rick and I live in ohio, I have been married for over 19 years to someone I have reason to believe has bipolar.
 
first off, I want to say I have not always been the perfect husband.
back when we first got married I was a total ******. over the years I do feel I have changed alot.
 
my wife has always seem to suffer from depression at times, at one point about 13 years ago during one of her low times she yelled she thought she needed drugs to feel better (she is not one to do drugs or drink)
being the ****** I was at the time, I convenced her she just needed to watch what she ate and needed to spend time thinking good thoughts.
 
a few years later during one of her down times she did go see a doctor. who said she was suffering from a mild case of (cant remember if it was depression or manic depression) and he wanted to give her some drugs, But, we also found out she was  pregnant so he wouldnt give her the drugs at the time.
a few weeks later she lost the baby, and after a short while, I suggested she go back to him and get on the drugs he wanted to give her, she said she didnt need them, she was fine now.
 
over the next few years, she had (and we had) our ups and downs.
some of the down times we had was completely my fault.
but her personal down times seems to get worse and worse.
again, she is not one to drink or do drugs, nor does she think of harming herself or others.
instead when she reaches her down times, her only answer is to leave our marrage.
of course she is like this again right now or I wouldnt be writting here now.
 
 
we went through this about a year and a half ago (right around christmas time.)
her only presents to our  2 sons and me was she was leaving us.
needless to say, she didnt, (she did spend a day or 2 at a friends house out of state)
a few weeks later she broke down and started crying saying that she didnt know what she was thinking, she was so sorry to put me through that and the kids through that ect....
over the next few months things where "normal"
then, for a few months she seemed very happy, she wrote me sweet letters, she would call me from her work to mine just to tell me she missed me and wanted to hear my voice. and she was working her butt off (even during the down times, she never misses work) (I guess that was her high times)
 
over the past 2 months or so I have watched her again distence herself from me (and slightly away from our kids) to the point she doesnt talk to us, she ignores my calls to her when she is working as well as calls from our sons, today she told me she was leaving me and had to end the marrage again. and no matter what I say, thats her only issue in life.
I did call a hotline for mental heath, I spoke to a doctor and told him everything she has said, and told him what I have seen in her. he right away said it sounded like bipolar (he said he cant really make a judgement call for sure on the phone talking to me but suggested I take her for help, (she of course doesnt agree, and feels her only way to feel better to is end the marrage)
he also suggested I should find support groups for myself and our kids for people living with people with bipolar
 
no matter what happens to our marrage, I want her to at least seek help.
I have tried to find storys like mine on the web, but they all seem to have feelings of killing themselves, or turning towards drugs and drinking..... all issues she doesnt have.
 
sooooooo after this long story, has anyone here seen or been in a issue like this?
 
 

rickd
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/15/2006 9:01 PM (GMT -7)   
right now, I think she is giving the kids the "I need to leave your father" speech again,
she has also rationlized everything in her mind (making claims I am mean becouse I made a comment when a friend of hers called a few months ago during one of the shows we like to watch) all I said was I wish she would time her calls better

I dont know what to do, part of me just wants to say to get the hell out, another part of me wants to keep trying to get her help.

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 7/15/2006 9:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rickd
I have been the one to walk out of relationship after relationship. Not in my down times though. I run when I'm hypomanic. I've never left my children though. I can live without a man but not my kids.
I personally think the dr. gave you some wonderful advice. There isn't much you can do to help her if she is no danger to herself and others and she refuses to get help on her own.
On the other hand, you can help yourself and your children. A support group and/or some family counseling sounds like a fine idea. It may help you all though this dark time.
Welcome to Healingwell, if you have any more questions, or just need to vent, we're here to listen.
Take Care
Ellie
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
 
Unknown
 
 
 


rickd
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/16/2006 7:34 AM (GMT -7)   

i am the wife of rick d. I feel unconvinced i have bp. i admit i've been distraught. plain and simple it is just that my husband intimidates me..... he has a tone of voice that he uses on me that is most unpleasent....and outbursts at times.  i have no desire for him ...he gets angry and beligerent about it.(On this point he requests me to add that he hasn't said or done anything to me like that for at least 4 months) i feel molested when i have to do the wifely duty....i love him....just not that way. its a miserable situation.

i dont drink, or drug, or act promiscuous in any way. i don't speak without thinking and when i do i don't yell and never use profanity. i go to work and am reliable in every way. i certainly am not reliable sexually though. i just dont want it with him and feel violated when i have to perform or face his anger....which spills over into the rest of our life.

its for the kids i've tried to maintain harmony...do whats nessasary.... fake it....i have had hopes that if i fake it long enough it might become genuine.....it never has. i only just feel missery and despair after the sex. this is the truth of the matter..... i think give him what he wants at least three nights a week and it should be ok....i have no problum caring for him and having a friendship feeling for him ...in fact i am concerned about him....and feel terrible for his feelings as i am without desire for him.

i have been extreamly lonely through all this.....unfortunately it happened i became infatuated with a man 4 yeaars ago. of course i never acted apon it with the gentlman and would never be a disturbence to a person that way without getting myself clear... he came and went i never said a word or indicated anything...it was very painful. when i first met the fellow i did n fact try to break away from my husband. i had been living with in the marraige lonely and unhappy yet at the same time trying to make the best of it for a long long time....the infatuation woke me up. Sadly i was unable to get away... how could i while my husband hasn't had a job for years other than his **** site business which came to a crashing halt a year or so before when i refused to be a model for him any more because i came aware of how unsavory and damaging it actually is. I had no family closer than 550 miles away and no friends to help me. I was working 40 plus hours a week as a cleaning lady,my own business, to support our family.... and two boys i adore and felt i could not harm by a divorce...... that it appeared he would make as nasty as possible.

I push the feelings down...do what i can to make life as normal and serene as possible....mold myself to be whatever it is he wants me to be so i don't get harrased...

i tried again to get away two years later as my despair again became acute about the same time the fellow i was attracted to moved away and sadly though i never ever would approach this person or disturb him the feelings i had for him were a strange sort of comfort to me.... i used those feelings to help me through sex with my husband.... i used those feelings to help me know how human i am and to know i am actually capable of feeling beautiful feelings. again i was blocked from leaving him and rick accuses me of being mentaly ****ed up. i admit it....i felt alot of turmoil and despair knowing i can't get away....knowing that any time i try the kids are upset.....he still didn't have a job at this point he wouldn't leave the house the kids had their life in their school.... my sex drive plummetted and im pretending with nothing to help me pretend.... After making that attempt to leave again and failing i felt terrible for causing the rucous in our household.... i told him i didnt know what i was thinking and i was so sorry...it was very heartfelt....i have no desire to hurt anyone not even my husband....my only desire was to not be with him anymore.....

its my feeling that he is extreamly fragile a person despite his bullish ways....that he is bullish because he is so fragile and frightened within himself to be without me.... he needs to know where i am always.... it seems he feels tht since i'm his wife i have to tell him all my thoughts and expain my every move.... i don't have many friends because i'm embarressed the way he calls and calls me while im out and wants to know exactly when i'll be back and people think its somewhat possesive....maybe it is, maybe it isnt....its just the sort of comments i have gotten and it embarresses me because i want to maintain the appearence of a healthy life.

lastly i do need to address the fact that i have spiritual beliefs.... i pray constantly and for many years did not because it seemed irrational to believe things that is not plainly visable. It seemed a little wacko but in my sadness i have turned innward and spiritual...it gives me a lot of peace inside  and strenth to keep going....it gives me a stong sense of self worth.... through my practice, study and observation..... i have come to a very powerful faith that even to myself as i was years ago i would term a little nuts but i can't deny i feel a great nurturing presence in my life which i mostly keep to myself.... because i tend to believe that unless a person experiences it for themself they wouldn't understand. I'm not into pushing beliefs on people....yet i see things in life and daily living that support my spiritual beliefs... it wouldn't be so strong otherwise..... i don't have feelings of grandiosity....yet at times i feel a very graceful state of mind even amidst the harshest circumstances.....i tend to see signs everywhere.....i'd have a thought then very soon therafter....i would see it in the real world...profound co-incidenses....REAL events that make you want to say hmmm. I say to myself mybe im just crazy....maybe im not..

 my mother and brother are scitzofrenic..... i am extreamly sensitive....theres no doubt about it..... i could be touched.... but every aspect of my life is healthy and happy and i am productive and relate meaningfully with many people.....except this problem with my husband....he says im bi-polar...sick...projecting evil things on him....making him out to be a big bad mean person.... that once i leave him i may then have only myself to project bad things on and then be in danger of killing myself or whatever..... this all seems far fetched...i do not have a violent feeling inside of me..... i have completely forgiven him every hurt i've taken.... i feel sorry for him....i feel compassion for him... i actually love him ...it hurts me to hurt him by saying i can't do it anymore..... it hurts me to hurt my kids by breaking up with their father...he forces me to say what it is that causes me to feel uncomfortable with him......i think the reasons are valid.....he thinks i blow things out of proportion

we are now living in our hometown.. thers family all around .... he actually has a circle of friends that could be a support to him.... he has a job not full time but its something....and besides this since ive always been the main source of income he does most of the nurturing type things for our sons now 18 and 15. He does the grocery and taxi the kids and cooking. we own a home thats completely paid for... before none of those facters were there. I want to leave.... i'd take my sons with me but they want their own room their own bed they always slept in. they don't want to live at my sisters or my parents house....which is where id have to go... id let them have the house indefinately....the house that we own because i worked my ass off for it....down the road if it's sold then of course i'd want my half of what its worth.  not only that I'd even be willing to give financial support as its nessesary. Idealy i would appreciate as amicable seperation as posible so the stress on the boys are as little as possible.

also its true another infatuation has happenned in my life....of course again its not something for me to persue but admittedly its crazy.

 


rickd
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/16/2006 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   
well, there is it in a nutshell, (no pun intended)

thats how she feels right now, I dont deny any of her feelings.
and I dont deny times I over react, alot of the times she is talking about she is ignoring some facts.
(I dont ask to know where she is 24 hours a way, but I do tend to get upset when I think she will be home in time for dinner, and she doesnt show up, or if I have to work, and the kids need a ride to work and she is off she doesnt even take the time to drive them... I have to take off work to deal with it.)

yes, its true there was a time I didnt work at all, I was working 50 to 60 hours a week doing heavy lifting (did this for 10 years) I ended up getting hurt
so I was off for a while.
now, I have jobs and try to work as much as I can, but I also am the only one here who will deal with the kids (getting them to school and home, work ect...)
sometimes, she gets to the point she will ignore phone calls from our kids (happened yesterday when I was working and our oldest needed a ride to work) I had to leave work go pick him up and drive him to work
this happens alot, so it is hard for me to work full time. (during the school year, there is no bus service here) so yes, she does work, but even on days she was off, I still had to be the one to deal with it.
maybe our marrage is gone, maybe it isnt.
but the facts are she is times when her lows are so bad, she hated to thought of driving past a road less then 2 miles from our house other times she doesnt have a problem driving 600 miles away. (dont get me wrong, she would force herself to drive past that point of the road 2 miles away, but to her it was a very dreadful thing at that time)
other times, she used to be able to work 8 hours, go to the store and deal with everything, other times just the thought of going to the store was dreadful, going there would couse so much mental disharmony would make her sleep for hours when she got home from a 40 min shopping trip.

back a few months ago, she wrote me this loving letter in it she wrote "thank you for being the way you are, and I do feel good about our futer, and I am looking forward to better and better things with you and our family"
now, she feels the way she wrote above.
as I said before, maybe our marrage is over and I am just not willing to accept this, but i also feel it could just be like that road 2 miles away. in her world at that time, it was just to far and dreadful to go to... but in reality, it was less distance then the hikes she used to enjoy taking.

lazy
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 241
   Posted 7/16/2006 1:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I can certainly relate to your story.  I am bipolar but I didn't find out until about 6 months ago.  I can tell you that getting that diagnosis and treatment was the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Since getting the diagnosis I have read books and researched bipolar disorder on the web, in the library and have read many stories on this site.  I felt like my husband didn't understand me (and he didn't).  For some reason when men get scared they get angry and belligerant and act like a *******! At least my husband did...so I had many episodes of leaving him, running away to a friend's house for a night or a week or so.  I thought it was him and all the time it was me!  Once I received the diagnosis, I looked back over my life (I am 56 years old) and I can see that I was bipolar as a teenager - I just never understood my feelings of lonliness and highs and lows. I had periods when I felt I could do or accomplish anything and I would just jump into something, like trying to go back to school.  When that high went away and I crashed, I couldn't study, couldn't make sense of anything was put in front of me.  I lost a job because of it.  I took a job that was a middle management position when I was manic and felt I could do anything.  Then when I crashed, I could not function, could not read anything that made sense and totally went out of control with a difficult employee.  I ended up being baker acted because my family thought I was suicidal.  I really didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted all the bad things to go away. I spent money we didn't have and would get mad at my husband for questioning me.  We ended up close to bankrupcy. I would do things like decide to paint the house in one day.  I would work at it for about 2 hours then I would decide to wash the car.  I wouldn't finish that before I was on another project.  My whole life ran like that. My husband always said "Can't you do one thing at a time and finish it before you start something else?" I thought he was picking on me.  BUT, once I received the diagnosis and my husband began to understand that I was sick, his attitude changed. He felt better because he also had an answer as to why I acted like I did.  I asked him why he didn't leave me and he said that he loved me and he just figured the rest of our lives would be him trying to figure out what I was going to do next...would I spend money and lie about it? Would I leave for a few days for a perceived wrong he had done? Would he come home with half the house painted or half the car washed, he never knew.  He still gets afraid sometimes. He calls me several times a day to make sure I'm ok. BUT THE MAIN THING IS NOW THAT I AM ON MEDICATIION, I am a new person.  I don't feel the need to run away and my moods are stable, I don't go from one extreme to another.  I have a lot more energy than I have ever had in my life. When I start something I finish it before I start something else. My mind is uncluttered.  My house stays clean and uncluttered (totally new for me) I am on an even keel at work - I get my paperwork turned in on time (another new thing) and when I am at work, everything makes sense to me all the time instead of having periods of feeling so confused I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I did rant on but I want you to know that I UNDERSTAND!  The best thing you can do is get to a psychiatrist as quick as you can.  If anything I have said sounds ANYTHING like you, then be specific when you talk to the doctor.  The good thing about medications for bi polar is that they take effect more quickly then antidepressants do.  Sometimes its hard to find the right medication because of side effects, but it well worth the trial and error.  Good Luck!

rickd
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/16/2006 8:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello, thanks for the reply,
she has left, she keeps denying there is a problem, there is really nothing more I can do for her right now.

after she wrote that she started to pack up, I did tried to talk to her for a while and it started to lead to a fight, so I left, (the kids wanted to go to the mall and I need to go to the store)
so I left, dropped them off and started to get the food we needed for the week,
while I was at the store I was getting depressed myself, so I started to think of the stuff I needed to do. and that is
and then I relized, in the past few years I have been the only one there for our kids when they needed someone. (her lows was her spending time to herself only, her highs was her doing 1000 things but never really included me or the kids anyway)
nothing is really going to change much except I will be sleeping alone (that does suck) and I will no longer have to worry about where she is at when she gets home.
dealing with her emotional rollorcoster the past few years have been a nightmare.
yes there was a time I didnt have a job, as I posted, I got hurt (at the time I was to manly to go on workmans comp) and then started to work here and there and then got deathly ill with a perferated colon and that made me life my life with my intestines hanging out my side for a few months
that has been reversed, my heath has improved and I am able to work again, one of the things that has held me back from working more then I have been has been dealing with her, all other issues that come up in a family and so on.

yes, life is going to be a little harder for me in some parts, but alot easyier for me in others.
I still love her, and I know I will miss her dearly, but part of me is releived that she is gone.
I got numbers to call incase she is willing to go to a doctors, if she isnt, regardless I have addresses of places to take myself and our kids to support groups.

rickd
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/16/2006 8:08 PM (GMT -7)   
oh, and by the way, I have shown her storys of people just like her, and instead of seeing how it relates so much to her, she would nick-pick and see how the storys are different.
(such as the guy in the military, his story is so much like ours, but he said his wife cursed at him in front of the kids, and since she has never done that, she said she was different.)

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 7/16/2006 8:31 PM (GMT -7)   
It's good that you're seeing the futility in hanging on. There is nothing you can do to make her stay, but everything you can do to make a life for you and your sons. I'm glad you've found #'s for support groups and remember, we're always here for you as well.
Take Care Rick
Ellie
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
 
Unknown
 
 
 


lazy
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 241
   Posted 7/17/2006 1:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Rick: I, too, am glad that you are looking out for yourself and your kids. Ellie is correct in that no one can make your wife seek help. Its like being with an alcoholic or any other illness - only she can seek help for herself. Stay in touch.

rickd
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/17/2006 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you all for your support,
right now I think I am the one who needs some help
I keep feeling Anxiety attacks somewhat, I am trying to figure out how to deal with everything happening and Im getting at a lost
I went to work today, called home to check on the kids, spoke to our 18 year old. (who I think also may need some help)
he sounds very depressed, (besides his mother leaving us his girlfriend left to go out of town for a week this morning)
he claims he just isnt feeling well, but he also has a history of when depressed taking a razor to his arms. (he has some somewhat bad scars from this now)

I know from reading things mental illness runs in familys,
my wifes mother was in and out of mental hospitals for Schizophrenia and other issues
my wifes brother has also been in and out of mental hospitals (he is now a ward of the state)
there was a point about 8 or so years ago, I one of the fights we did have was I told her he wasnt allowed in our house any more to visit, I felt he could harm someone.
less then 2 years later he heard voices in his head to come home to god, so he dumbed a can of Kerosine over his head and lite himself on fire (he is still alive)
my wife sister is just treated for depression.

one of the times that I used that "tone" with my wife recently was when I found out our oldest son had been repeatly cutting his arms with a razor blade,
I wanted to take him somewhere to get him checked out, she defended him saying he was ok, "its just something teens do she read about"
I really dont know if she was right or not, maybe it is just a teen thing, or maybe it is a cry for help
(I allowed her to talk me out of taking him to a doctor)
(((some advice here!)))


I do know she is denial in alot of areas (like maybe about our son) and about her brother
(the same brother who lite himself on fire recently attacked me and her sister, and verbally attacked their other brother) my wife just pretends it didnt happen, her mother gave me the excuse it was her fault for not having his dinner on time and he was just in a bad mood

I know I am just going on and on, Im sorry for those who feel the need to read everything I write, this does kind of tempary make be feel better.

lazy
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 241
   Posted 7/17/2006 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Please feel free to say anything and as much as you need to.  It is no surprise that your children are having a difficult time, not to mention you.  I strongly suggest family counseling for you and your kids, as well as individual counseling.  I have been a nurse for almost 25 years and I have seen this type of situation quite frequently. Ask your family doctor for a referral to a counselor/psychologist or go to the yellow pages and pick one out. Stay in touch.

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 7/17/2006 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Lazy is absolutely right. Cutting in NOT a normal part of being a teen. While I believe the entire family would benefit from counseling, Your son is crying out for it in desperation. He needs help. This kind of issue rarely resolves itself on its own and is bound to escalate. This isn't just a minor thing, this is dangerous.
Please take care
Ellie
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
 
Unknown
 
 
 


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 7/19/2006 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
as i understand it, cutting is a sign or symptom of a much more serious mental disorder. the kid needs help yesterday,

rickd
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/19/2006 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
yea, I kind of relize that now, I cant believe I allowed her to talk me into not getting help before when i wanted to .

sorry I havent ranted for a day or 2, just dealing with everything myself,
I seem to be having alot of my own issues comming out now.

lazy
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 241
   Posted 7/20/2006 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Rick:  Don't blame yourself.  Guilt is not what you need right now and its certainly not you who should feel guilty.  We all make decisions based on our knowledge at that particular time. Please just get help for you and your kids ASAP.  AND, keep in touch.

Lazy


rickd
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/20/2006 10:22 PM (GMT -7)   
well, there is alot I want to write, but its late and I have a busy day tomorrow. I will stay in touch, and dont worry about me and the kids, I am making sure we all get the help we need.
I am starting to give up on her, I have spoken to her parents, and they are going to try to get her to go to the doctor, but I need to do what I need to do. she is getting very hateful towards me, and I am making things worse.

thanks again
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