I am new to this site, but I find that it helps to talk with other people who share similar problems. What a relief it is to know that I am not alone.
I just turned 30 last month, and when I was 21 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I used to take lithium, and zoloft. I haven't been on meds since I was about 25. Most of my episodes in the past five years were manic episodes, which sick enough, I enjoy. I am hyper, funny, successful at work, get attention from men, you name it... However, all that crashed over the past year. I will go from manic to ultra depressed within hours. My boyfriend may say something that seems trivial to someone else, but something in the way he said it, or who or what he was talking about will make me extremely jealous and send me into a full blown depression.
Lately, I've had thoughts of suicide. I have thoughts about my body. I want to be perfect. I stand in the mirror and critique my body for hours, and no matter what I do, it won't be good enough.
When I'm really depressed, I lock myself in a closet, or if I decide to make my presence known, I will go shopping and spend money that I really don't have on clothes and materialistic items. That makes me feel better for a little bit.
I find that when I'm somewhat rational, like now, I see how selfish this condition makes me. I have terrible mood swings, I don't sleep, I pick myself apart, I question everything my boyfriend does, and I act paranoid.
I think I need medication, but I haven't found a doc here to prescribe anything since I move so often.
I don't know why I'm rambling so much. I can't seem to concentrate. Is it normal that I give my boyfriend an entire interrogation every single day?