Bad, bad girl I am.

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numbly_hypersensitive
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/19/2006 2:27 PM (GMT -7)   
nono    Bad, bad girl am I. I didn't see my T. on a regular basis and my Pdoc pulled my meds of mine b/c of it. Pdoc says "you have to see your T. to see me". Ok. I make appt. I go today and T. says "maybe this program isn't working for you. You can't seem to keep an appt." HELLO????????????? Why do you think I am receiving disability? If I can't keep a job, what on EARTH makes her think I can keep consistent appts? confused
 
DUH yeah
 
The reason I went is cuz all you guys kept saying "go,go,go". So I did. I asked her what the corrolation between meds and a T. was, b/c I really don't get it. I don't understand how a T can help with my chemically malfunctioning brain. She basically told me that I hadn't attended consistently enough for us to have a relationship that would allow me to see the benefits. (back on me- bad, bad girl nono ) so, maybe it would just be best for me to start getting my meds through a primary care dr. and not "worry" about having to keep appts with her. I've only missed about 4 in the last year. Hmmm. I don't think she likes me. I think she thinks I'm a pain in the arse.
 
So, I'm off my meds and have no T and no pdoc. Cuz I'm a bad, bad girl. nono
 
 
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Post Edited (numbly_hypersensitive) : 9/19/2006 3:46:16 PM (GMT-6)


CounterClockwise
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/19/2006 2:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Ok Numbly, your T and pdoc clearly weren't right for you. I know that there's a difficulty for you in finding replacement ones, but this you have to do. I don't think you're bad at all: anyone who suggests this doesn't really understand how bipolar works. I do, however, think that you need help and you need to get a support team (T and pdoc) working with you who will help. My ex's old pdoc used to tell him off and stuff and she did a whole lotta damage -- but now he's changed and things seem to be going much better.

Pdocs sometimes do the prescribing and the therapy, but in some cases they focus pretty much solely on the med treatment, and a therapist helps with the non-med treatment. The key with bipolar is to have both: meds are central, but without you being helped to address and find strategies for coping with things in life that can act as triggers (and these might be connected to deeply-seated issues), only half the work can ever be done.

I still think you need to go to a pdoc and a T if that pdoc is really only a med prescriber, just not the one(s) you've been seeing (who sound pretty loopy to me). -- I'd try to find a pdoc that does both prescribing and therapy to be honest -- they'll have a better picture of things and be more atuned to you.

You are not bad!!!

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


numbly_hypersensitive
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/19/2006 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Rosie. I'll consider that. I can afford to do that but I am just being stubborn. (trying to be honest here) You know what it is like though starting all over again. I'm not convinced I'll ever feel GOOD again. Feel OK - maybe. Good? hmmmmmmmm
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CounterClockwise
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/19/2006 3:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Yep, I certainly know the "starting over again" feeling -- not a nice place to be ... *but* I also know the phrases "starting with a clean slate" and "turning over a new leaf" and they're both positive ways of looking at this. -- Sometimes it's a case of rethinking how you look at a situation. To me, having heard a few of the nightmares you've been having with your pdoc and therapist, I am actually rather *glad* that things have come to a head: now it's totally clear that these people were damaging forces in your life rather than helpful ones and the sooner you "start over" the better.

And for now -- because I know you won't be able to see it no matter how many times you're told (not because you're bad, but because that's the way with bp) -- just know that there are people here who have faith that things will be good for you, and I am right there among them rooting my lil' heart out for you.

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


numbly_hypersensitive
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/19/2006 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks again. You got me thinking. I checked out that link about fatty people. I am also considering "turning over a new leaf". <maybe>
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wmnak
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/20/2006 9:18 AM (GMT -7)   
i just clicked on your image.  you are one georgious young lady!  celebrate your outer as well as inner beauty and consider the source of those who would say otherwise.  bad?  i don't think so.  having to deal with issues and an incidious illness?  yes.  having a pdoc and t who are jerks?  certainly.  you deserve better.  and you will find better.
 
now get off your arse and start finding a new pdoc and t!
 
rosie,  did i understand you right?  your ex has found someone he can get along with to help him?  if so, WONDERFUL!
 
warren
 

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/20/2006 1:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Ooh, I clicked your image too Numbly -- Warren's right, you're stunning! I know you probably won't be able to hear that right now -- hope you can, but, if not, save these words up for when you can!!!

Yes, Warren, it seems that the ex is happy (well, happy enough) with the pdoc he's been assigned. Though this may have something to do with the fact that ex has told me the pdoc is a PTSD specialist and ex is currently in an "I have PTSD" phase (whereas I tend to think the symptoms suggest bp, maybe with PTSD as well -- but I'm saying nowt!!!). I had a few strong words to say to him after he started moaning about the pdoc who did his recent assessment (who may or may not be the same pdoc he's seeing now -- only the odd email and text message in the last couple of weeks, which has been hard and at the same time good for my sanity...). Anyway, he's now claiming to be taking it very seriously, etc. I will wait and see -- strictly from a distance these days... . I shouldn't judge him really: his old pdoc did keep telling him off and was a bit useless all round (no diagnosis after 4 months, spending lots of time talking about sex -- did someone say Freud??!).

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


numbly_hypersensitive
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/20/2006 3:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the compliments! I can kinda accept them now. I am feeling FAN Tas TIC today! But there is a lot going on in my mind, so I have my handy notebook with me at all times so I can jot down all the things I feel I JUST MUST DO RIGHT NOW. Then I look them over and make myself take the time to put priorities on them and when I'm all done, 15 items, that seemed imperative to do at once, are whiddled (sp) down to 3. That makes for a MUCH more smooth day!

Talked to my SO last night about all this. I hadn't told him I had gone off meds completely yet. (i know....) But he is being VERY supportive and today I went on a Web search for a new Pdoc/T. There are a few possiblities, lots of them offer sliding scales for payments and I am signing up with the drug Co.'s to get my meds for free. I just HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH!!!!!! I seem to get side-wacked and have a really hard time finishing anything! I often forget to do everything I'm supposed to in the shower - and have to go back in!!!!

Thanks for your support and I am happy I am happy today!!!!!
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numbly_hypersensitive
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/20/2006 3:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, my measurements were better today. (going Down, Down, Down :-))
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wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/20/2006 4:26 PM (GMT -7)   

num,

i don't give complements.  i just tell it as i see it.

glad you're feeling better today and that you have begun the arduous (sp) search.  i wish you well.
 
 
i learned on this forum that inability to complete tasks is a symptom of bp.  it may be the illness and not you.
 
warren

judyinky
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 254
   Posted 9/23/2006 5:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Laura,
I have found when chosing a Pdoc or a therapist that I have the right to interview them while they are getting their evaulation of me. My brother, a therapist in CO. says that we should be very choosy and shop for a doctor and therapist. I was with a wonderful doctor for many years that I trusted completly, but finances changed all that a few years back. Now I am on disability, at a mental health clinic, and do not have as much choice.
But, I did ask my therapist what her experience was, how she was equipped to help me, and what kind of therapy she/he is intending to use. I tell them what I want out of the therapy and ask them if they are going to be intimidated by someone that is very outspoken and an advocate for herself.  I want to know everything that is going on  with every aspect of my health, not only physically, but mentally. I also make sure that my doctor really HEARS me and appreciates my insight into my illness and does not treat me like a number.
 
I would not stay with a doctor or therapist that I feel did not have my best interest in mind, and that I could not sit down and talk with and ask them questions about themselves and their training. I guess I'm just picky about who I want poking around in my mind or prescribing meds to me.
 
I have been keeping up with your posts. It would be good if you could get in to see someone soon. I missed an appointment with my therapist last week. I also have to keep up those to stay in this assistance program. But I was too sick to go. I have some medical problems that he is aware of (the therapist). I've just been really honest about that with him, and my doc knows so they may give me a break because of it.
I have to go for a lithium level on Monday. I will have to do it, but not alone. A good friend and I are going together. I find it is good to have someone that understands us to be with us at times when we are going through relapses, illnesses, confusing times,ect. which I have gone through all withiin the lasat year.
I have to be honest. I would be scared to be off my medicine right now. It does keep me from having the mood swings and rapid cycling I have with bp2. and the dreaded depression. At least it keeps it at bay.  I talke lamictal, lexapro, lithium and klonopin.
 
I didn't mean to write so much, but have been reading and was a bit concerned about the hypomaniic state you are in, but you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what to do.  Following through is sometimes hard though.  At least for me.
 
Be Well,
 
Judy
 
"Hope is seldom found in the things we can see;
it is the sweet fragrance of grace."



numbly_hypersensitive
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/23/2006 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your post. I do believe I am swinging into mania now myself, but it feels so good that I don't want some crappy medicine to steal all my joy. I appreciate you sharing your story with me (and everyone else!). It makes me feel good to know that other people have been where I'm at.
 
Last night I was overcome with the desire to smoke crack (used to be a sorta-addict) or use pills or something just to make me feel higher. The kicker was that I was already so freaking naturally high that my heart was palpatating and I couldn't get a "full" breath even when I deliberatly sucked in all the air I possibly could.
 
I drove to the projects (something I SWORE I wouldn't do again) to score, but it was raining and nobody was out. (thank GOD !?!)
When I got home, I was suddenly attacked by a case of the MAJOR giggles, a hysterical state really. I was a bit concerned because I felt out of control of my ability to stop laughing. Nothing funny happened, I just bust out laughing.
 
My SO was getting irritated with me and so was my son because we were trying to watch a movie. We couldn't until I got settled down. This morning I woke up and was irritable and now I feel like crying. I had a heart to heart w/my SO and didn't get to finish it cuz he had to go meet some guy to put RIMS ON HIS OLD AAAASS CAR. I'm so happy that he rates that above our relationship. That's not fair. The guy was coming from out of town and they had a set time to meet. (I didn't know this or I wouldn't have started a deep conversation with him).
 
WOW
 
Sorry so long. I could write VOLUMES more (more mania?) but I don't want to **** anybody off.
 
xoxoxox
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denipink05
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/23/2006 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
hi sensitive numbly, i have been a very bad girl, too, when it comes to keeping appts and sticking with my meds. heck, i would go so far as to say i have had problems sticking period. if i could not get something back from it like being high or drunk or having money in my pocket, it was not much worth my while.

see i was so depressed that i opted to pull those covers over my head and miss appts. i did not care about meds until i became so manic and then suicidal that i landed in the emerg. it was at that point my psych doc that had closed my file reopned it taking pity on me. he explained i cant properly treat or assess you unless i see you over the long run and and until i get to know you much better. well i ended up losing this doc too because of having pulled thos covers over my head in denial and extreme (pain) or what i thot was pain. today i see i was just uncomfortable. Denise did not like to be bothered with the inconvenience of leaving that warm comfort for something i got little back from from.

warp speed ahead to about 2 yrs later and i have a new psych doc that assures me i am like night and day since he first took me on with the warning miss one appt and you are gone. that was my wake up call. i need this doc for the meds that i had come to rely on for my moods and i need him too to fill out my disability forms. ah ha therein lies the truth. i needed this doc. i need him for my security. i spent the last 2 years or so telling my doc all about me and he has helped me big time. today i have a meds mix that actually works for me and no more pulling those covers up over my head and denying and disappearing. today i also hold down the job of my dreams. i have worked very hard over the past 10 years to earn my place in the writing industry and today i am a published writer.

what do you want to be and do with your life? perhpas hang onto those that might be able to help make it all happen for you. if not T's and psych docs then who?

bipolar equals mental illness = therapist and psych docs. for me a match made in heaven! take care and be good. i gave up being too bad a long time ago and today i opt for being responsible.

Denise in Canada
"The miracle is not to fly in the air,
or to walk on the water,
but to walk on the earth." <::><

-- Chinese Proverb

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